Erm ... sorry ... we can't go there.
My friend and I were out on the town. I spotted a pub we hadn't been in before so sugested we go in for a swift half to break up the walk to our final destination (plus I was busting for the loo).

Rather nervously he says "er ... we can't". Fine, so it was a bit of a rough area on the edge of the red light district, but we were stocky lads and could handle ourselves. "Why not, we'll be fine. It's early."

Cue sheepish foot shuffling from mate. "I'm barred."

Curiosity piqued I had to find out why. Turns out (this is HIS version of events, anyways, and he's sticking to it) that he had been walking past one evening and one of the working girls had been given a bit of a fright by a punter and, being the good samaritan, he had stepped in. He then offered to get her a drink while she calmed down.

He took her into the pub and the Landlord greeted them with "we don't serve YOUR sort in here. Fuck off, I've told you you're barred. And you ... yes YOU, The TOM ... YOU'RE BARRED TOO! Sick fucker".

One polaroid later and he's on the wall of shame.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 9:53, Reply)

Not barred from Rebar
When I was in university, there was a bar I used to go to on Thursday nights for cheap hi-balls. I hung out with my best friend Greg and a large group of girls who all loved him. There were Marie and Devon, the feminists who later lezzed out together, and Amanda, the ginger. Everyone usually would leave me at the table alone so they could go off dancing/smoking herb/buying drinks. I was annoyed at being left alone.

One night, Amanda was also annoyed; about what, I don't really remember. While we were all at the table, she sparked a joint and passed it around. I was drunk on vodka and now high, and everything was funny. It really didn't take long for the staff to notice what we were doing. They came over, confiscated the joint, and told us to leave. Everyone left, and I had a good laugh.

I was so out of it I forgot to go along with them. They were led downstairs and photographed, so their pictures could be put up on the board of people banned from the place. If I was more sober, I would have been with them, but I ended up all alone in the place for a while longer before I figured out what had happened.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 9:23, Reply)

A few years ago in NYC...
A few years ago I went on a class trip up to NYC. We toured galleries and museums during the day and went out and partied at night. Well we had one day "off" to go do whatever we wanted. So my professor, his girlfriend and I decided to check out a few more galleries and drop off portfolio packets. Along the way we happened upon a fetish shop. So my prof. and I were prowling about the store trying to snap dumb pictures with our cameras of all the latex suits and dildos.. etc. The guy behind the counter eventually caught on and ran us out of the store. The prof's girlfriend was rather ticked at us, as she had found a bargin/sale bin of all sorts of rubber and leather things...haha
(TribeDoktor, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 8:26, Reply)

Opportunistic
When I was much younger, we lived pretty close to a supermarket. They began running these scavenger hunts for crappy kids' chocs called 'Yowies' (I think). Realising that I was on to a good thing, my siblings and I would routinely raid the supermarket for these freebies before any other kids got to them.
Since the shop clerk who ran this was beginning to look askance at us, we became a bit more circumspect and tried to limit our takings and allowing other kids a chance. But really, we owned the whole thing. After maybe two weeks the shop clerk blew his top and ordered us off the promises and out of the running.

The OTHER barring we got was at the same supermarket, this time in the loading bay area. It was like a skating rink in that it had a gentle bowl-shaped incline and was surrounded by three walls, as well as some awesome rounded mounds which you could jump on your bike. So we began to use it quite often.
The guy who ordered us off was some super trolley collector who went around the car park in his restricted-to-15km/hour (so he said) ute and collected all the trolleys. Apparently he was worried that we would get run over by him as he and his super-fast juggernaut would invariably make mince-meat of us. We thought he was joking, but when he offered to call the police if we didn't get lost we got the idea and went. Idiot... we still used it, just after dark when there wasn't anybody around.
(satellite blows, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 7:06, Reply)

Bonjour Monsieur
Banned for 1 year from the Eurostar when me and some mates decided it would be a "bit of a giggle" to wet our hair and shirts and run down the corridor shouting "It's Leaking!!!"
Teenage girls, wet and running in a bouncy way, you'd have thought we'd have been given free passes for life after all of the executive stress relief we gave that day. No justice.

Girth adequate, Length Enjoyable.
( Ethel Le Crisp, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 1:33, Reply)

Penny Blacks
I am the only person i know to be thrown out of the infamous penny blacks in edinburgh (at 9am)


I'm not proud (well maybe a little bit)
(seamonkey, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 1:30, Reply)

The Barge, Grimsby
I was temporarily barred from the Barge in Grimsby for starting a fight club outside after hours. It was all in good fun and if anything, brought people together. Closing time would come and the cheap boxing gloves would come out and whoever fancied a go would step inside the ring - which was really only a raised piece of circular pavement. It never got out of hand, and everyone loved it. People trying to get a bus home or a takeout at kicking out time would see what was happening and insist on having a go with their mates. Some crazy guy was intent on getting a bit more serious and wanted to raise an army of youths who knew how to handle themselves. Still I can't have a go, the manager found out and barred me and my friend but the crazy old guy had his persuasive ways and got us back in and even got some of the bar staff involved. It never lasted long, but I will never forget it. It's just sad that I had to break the first 2 rules of fight club to tell you all.
(Fortunate Fool, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 0:44, Reply)

I was the barman at this pub...
...in a rather not too nice neighborhood of northampton. A normal evening involved getting drunk and serving beer, then winding down with a few games of pool with a few regulars after closing. A new 'regular' was allowed to stay, and took offence to being beat at pool by a half pissed bartender, and got a bit rough. Needless to say, I settled the argument by breaking a pool cue or two over his head.

I got sacked ...

... then barred.....

It was self defence, m'lud
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 0:32, Reply)

The dump
I got asked to leave the dump for taking pictures of rubbish (dont ask).
I then got banned when I called the guy a filthy cunt and that he could shove his dump up his arse.

Ive been back though, the dirty bastard can't stop me!

(I know its a rubbish story(sorry!))
(Cockfosters!, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 0:31, Reply)

not me, but a classic composer gets barred.
Barman says, get out you're barred...and never come bach.

(sorry, i just made that up, as I saw the collection of crappy baa'd Brad jokes :P)
(mrtinybrain, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 0:01, Reply)

Bling
I was Once Barred from the Nihilistic Existentialist Society for holding on to a giraffe while filling a bathtub with too many multi coloured machine tools.
(Nihlistic_Alchemist Brand the Herd with Fashion, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 23:41, Reply)

I'm barred from the Contact Theatre Bar...
...in Manchester. Why? I don't know, never actually been in there. Walked up to the door, the doorman says

"Sorry lad, you're barred, and if I were you I wouldn't cause a scene."

It's full of poofs anyway.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 23:34, Reply)

Barred for minutes...
My brother and uncle were barred from the White Horse in Boughton, the landlord running the place then had taken 2 weeks off on holiday, came back for a day and had another 2 weeks off because he did his back in and my brother and uncle kept ripping the piss out of him (calling him sick-note and such), this went on for several weeks and he got really annoyed and barred them. So my brother and uncle said "Yeah, whatever.", continued drinking and landlord didn't bother trying to bar them again.
(OzEden is probably clinically insane, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 23:23, Reply)

Oh the hilarity
It was during my university days I got banned from my local for the following offences.

Asking the barmaid if I could put her titty milk in my beer.

Asking the barman if I could put his titty milk in my beer

Getting my willy out putting on an (attempted) Irish accent and saying "Hello der barman im a penis, I was wondering if I could have a slice of lemon and a jacket potato." (It was funny at the time.)

Licking my hairy (male) friends belly button in front of all the other customers.

Going outside only to return with a discarded umbrella which i maintaned was Bernard the angry kitten.

It was when I asked the Barman if he and his blouse bunnies were up for a good time that finally got me thrown out.
The last laughs on him though, because I pooed in the sink shortly before leaving.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Thu 31 Aug 2006, 23:16, Reply)

Not banned but....
...I was chucked out of a student union bar for being drunk - WTF ?
Never been banned, too much of a goody two-shoes.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 23:07, Reply)

Tried to get Barred...
...From the "local" at uni by throwing beer mats at the barmaid until we broke one of the opicals at behind her.

Failed to get Barred but some 3 years later, met the barmaid in Sydney appologised and enjoyed a great night.
(travellingsteve, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 22:57, Reply)

Slow but satisfying
I managed to get myself barred from my primary school tuckshop at the advanced age of 9.

You may recoil in horror at my heinous crime. I blush to recall it even after almost 30 years, and have spent countless hours on my knees in search of absolution. Read on only if not of a nervous disposition:

The Head himself told the teacher in charge of the tuckshop not to serve me again because... I TOOK TOO LONG TO DRINK A DINKY BOTTLE OF GINGER POP AT BREAKTIME.

Despite my strenuous defence that I'd be in even bigger doo-doo had I burped through my next lesson, the punishment stood and I was never again allowed to drink from the well of ginger fizz.

It was crap pop anyway.
(cisco, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 22:24, Reply)

The Dog and Truck - Aldgate
Constant drinking and then someone taking the piss - i threw a pint glass at the guy - barred for life \o/
--
Hastings Amusuments - 2p falls
Throwing my friend at the penny falls machine to knock loads of coins over - grabbing as many as possible before the bouncers kicked us out - barred \o/
I belive years later someone actually THREW another person into the then '10p falls' to get the money out.
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 22:23, Reply)

Bognor Regis
Also - me and my mate once got banned from the ENTIRE TOWN of Bognor Regis but never found out why.

Kafka - why did you die? There's got to be a novel in that.

Also also - got banned from The Flying Saucer, Memphis, for winning the pop quiz on three consecutive nights.

Do I qualify for a persecution complex here or am I just a git in the wrong place at the wrong time?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 22:14, Reply)

The Blue Anchor, Lancaster
Say it fast - it sums the pub up.

Well, it was a cold night, and they had an open fire that nobody had put any coal on for a while so how do we get warm?

Easy. Bung a bar stool into the fire. The legs went up like good 'uns. Trouble was that the cushion was made of that stuff that gives off very impressive clouds of toxic fumes.

Oddly, we never managed to get banned from The Merchants (see first page) despite my mate and his then GF putting on an unscheduled live sex show at 2 one afternoon.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 22:07, Reply)

I'm banned from being within 50 metres of McCauley Caulkin
These people seem to have no sense of humour. Sheesh, it was only a bit of vaseline and a cucumber. Christ.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 21:44, Reply)

Barred
Barred from a pub in Berkhamsted for having a piss in the gents. I'm a guy so all good and well.
What I failed to notice (very drunk) was the toilets were being refurbished and I'd had a piss in a disconnected toiled standing on a pile of rubble with no plumbing. IMpressive how far a pool of urine can flow (like... under the door and out into the bar?).
Nice pub and a bit of a shame but hey c'est la vie.
Old joke time:
I walked in to a pub and asked where the toilets were.... the barman said they were being repaired and told me to use the ladies. I tried... but they just wouldn't keep still....
(DustyD, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 21:16, Reply)

I've be
en bard for life from the cinema in town. 4 times. The third was about an hour after the second when I went back in wearing tall shoes and a wig. The guy realised it was me a small while into the film.
(thatboy, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 20:50, Reply)

My local
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE came in and the landlord shouted at him "You are bard"
( MaxineBasset Betty Basset Bombs are Better, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 20:47, Reply)

sort of..
it was my cousins christening and the whole family were going so
me being in a slight goth phase thought it would be funny to go
extreme goth.

so on the day i turned up looking like satan's daughter or something and
as we were walking into the church there was a door that was just open
nothing was keeping it open.

everyone walked through the door and guess who got smacked in the head with the
door??

yep my great grandma.

but it didn't happen once. it happend twice.the second time
was on the way out again after everyone had walked through the door.

and if that isn't a sign that she is banned
from church then i don't
know what is.
(i eat crayons, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 20:46, Reply)

Religion..
Not me but my parents got banned from all Jehovnah's Witness places of worship for trying to convert them from creationisim to evolutionary theroies.

The again thinking of this I think that was a pretty good banning stops them coming to our door :D
(RobbJ, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 20:45, Reply)

Shitting in the sink


BEST KEBAB HOUSE, CHERTSEY ROAD, WOKING
there we were, complaining about the cheap, undercooked tasteless cancer-causing roadkill we had been fed, when i had an idea. i calmly walked to the bog unoticed, (it was one of these tiny little bogs where you had to squeeze round the sink to close the door) and unleashed a torrent of dihorrea from hell, in and on this sink. i calmly wipled my arse and left the paper stuck to the mirror. as i left the bog i walked the length of the shop toward the door smirking, my mates knew i had done something. done something bad. we all left, only to be chased by the bastards. that resulted in a scuffle, but it were worth it.

2 years later, (last week) i stinkbombed my local nightclub's dancefloor in an elaborate prank and got barred for life, shame......
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 19:56, Reply)

HSBC
I'm also barred from going within 20 yards of the HSBC that is situated at the back of my local Morrisons supermarket.

Which is rather difficult as I work in Morrisons.

Basically the Guardian had this as their front page story. So I stuck a copy up on their front door.
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 19:35, Reply)

well...
here's two:

local bathroom show room: me and my friends
decided to go into the
bathroom show room and play hide and seek.
i nearly won but the security
guard gave my hiding place away.i was hidden in a bath/shower combo
with a shower curtain pulled round it

a car park: me and my friends bought lots of plastic guns and swords and
decided to have a battle. we went onto an empty car park and started
our fake fight when security came over and told us to leave and never
come back. security didn't find it funny when i pretended to shoot him with a
plastic gun. i even had a sheriff badge.

there are more that i might write about later.
(i eat crayons, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 19:33, Reply)