McDonalds etc
When I were a wee cheeky monkey of 16, a few of us went on a jaunt around High Wycombe. For those who've never been, it's a dump of a place made slighly famous recently only by some of the residents being potential terrorists.

Anyroad, it's such a hole that the McDonalds has to have bouncers on the door. We rocked up, tried to steal some cleaning cones that were inside, and when it was made apparent we couldn't, i tried to nonchalantly walk out with one on my head. Not the most subtle manouvre considering it made me look like a giant nipple.

I really stuck it to the man that night though.

Other places i am barred from:
-YMCA (High Wycombe)- for 'talking too loudly'
-A bar in Soho (forget which one)- for telling the overly pretentious dj he stunk and that he could 'kiss my winking monkey button'
-Various friends houses- for being a bad influence. Ironic seeing as a lot of them are still bumming around, and i now work a for a large swanky London firm. in your face home cunties snobs!
(chimpo2k, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:53, Reply)

The Orange Grove - Fallowfield
A friend of mine was barred from there for haveing a poo in a one of the sinks.

I don't speak to him any more.
(A bit Manchester, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:51, Reply)

I hate clubs
I really really hate clubs, so it's no surprise that when I'm dragged along to one by my "friends" I get drunk and belligerent.

It was the 21st birthday of a friend of mine, so I was up for a big one. A bunch of us went to a nice quiet bar and drank for 5 hours, before 90% realised they had to work the next day and promptly fucked off. The few who were left then suggested that we go to a club. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect, but I had nothing better to do so I went along. The place was filled with cigarette smoke, screeching 18 year old girls and bleached fashion-mullet sporting jock arsejackets, so a good time was not had. I tried to dull the pain with alcohol, but I'd spent all my money on beer by this point, so to pass the time I scrounged dropped change from off the ground by the bar, and found enough for another couple of drinks. By now totally twatted, I decided to stand on a small ledge so I could look for my friends over the crowd. A bouncer came up and asked me (quite nicely, in retrospect) to step down. My alcohol-pickled brain interpreted this as a rude order, so to "show him" I recruited five or so friends to all stand up there with me. The bouncer came back and moved along the line. "Can you please step down? Excuse me, could you please step down? Could you.. hey, didn't I already tell you to move?"

My witty reply: "Yep! And you can get fucked!"

For some reason he took exception to this and proceeded to escort me out, with me displaying an incisive wit by screaming "Look at this fucking Nazi! I bet he's a fucking small-cocked faggot!" to my admirers in the crowd. I was ejected from the premises, and the bouncer on the door informed "the fat bloke in the black jacket is banned for life."

A kindly friend (who had been pissing himself with laughter during my unceremonious exit) took me back to his place to sleep it off, where I passed out on his couch watching Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Oh, and as a child growing up in 1950s New York, my dad got banned from Sunday School for asking too many questions.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:48, Reply)

Barred
Right Barred v1. (alright - this is long - apologies I suck at telling short stores. Oh look - its longer now. Now no-one will ready my humourous writings...).

Having just finished for the 'day' at norwich city college (about 2pm) me and my friend 'Nathan' went to the bar.

... ...

Some time later we are sat in the lovely Sonic bar, somewhere near the back. They ahve an extra bar that they use when its busy or someone is putting on a 'night'. There wasn't so it was closed. However not very closed.

One slightly drunken tax later and a couple of free bottles of Bud. Bam. check me and my skillz innit bruv.

Next thing I know 'Nath' is stood behind the bar pulling us a couple of pints.

The bar had been raised. The only problem was I wasn't going to attempt to beat it. So good ol 'N' nips back behind the bar and begins racking up several pints each when some bloke arrives and asks for a run and coke.

'Nath' complies - and then takes the guys tenner and tries to work the til. Obviously failing at this I nip round to try to get him to stop. He does eventually.

I sit down 'Nathan' heads for the bogs. Next thing I know a burly chap in a poorly fitting suit is stood by me saying 'your taking the piss mate' at wehich point he stuffs my arm up my back and physically lobs me out the front door.

Nathan arrives mere seconds after me, unaccosted, with all our bags and coats.

We are asked never to return.

I went back the week after and have done reasonably regularly. Most recently one of my friends got a whole regular 'night' barred from the same establishment when found enjoying some of columbias finest on the top of the cistern.

Oh - just remembered.

I am also barred from the Norwich's Games Worshop for being unruly. I was actually not being a bellend - it was my 'mates' who were all 'high' on 'weed' (read basil/oregano/bayleaf mix)

Beat that!

'Length' and 'Girth' are fucking boring these days.
(Shifty weeeee, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:46, Reply)

"The Toad" - Milton Keynes
I'm still more than a little naffed off about this one so apologies if I rant a little.

Twas back in 2000/2001 that "The Toad" was a hip chain pub/club in the Ski dome, Milton Keynes.
I was out with my Mrs and some friends but she was rather tired. Being a modern bar they had admitted about 50 times the number of people as there are seats, so when Mrs golddust was tired she needed to sit down.
The only feasible place was a small step out of the way near the back of the bar. No problem, not in anyones way. Only the bouncer comes along "can't sit there" etc. She moves to another step about 2m away. "Can't sit there" etc etc. After asking where she could sit it was obvious we had broken the unwritten law of pointing out a bouncer is being unreasonable. So we were led out of the fire exit.

Since I was driving I'd only had 1 drink and protested they were being unreasonably heavy handed (3 bouncers at this point) and asked for the manager. He turned up and said "get these fucking wankers out of my club". We were then shoved out of the fire door to the street outside where another 2 rentacops from the entertainment complex were waiting to follow us about.
Now really pissed off I went back to the entrance and asked to speak with the manager, was told he was busy etc etc.
The point where I said loudly "He's not busy he's on the other side of that sheet of glass trying to chat up girls half his age" was when the rentacops grabbed me, dragged me across the car park and in trying to drop me landed on me breaking 2 of my ribs. Nice.
Police turned up and they ran over to give their side of the story and I was told to go home "and write a letter to the manager!".
Next time I attempted to go there with mates the bouncer conversation went like this:
"Not you."
"Why?"
"You're barred"
"Really? For how long?"
"Life"
"Oh well, in fact good. There's a much better place round the corner and this place will be closed within a year anyway".
With that I marched off, had a wicked night out for half the price elsewhere!

Also, "the Toad" did indeed get quieter until it attempted a revamp/restyle failed and closed a few months later. Ha.

I got barred and was grateful for it, probably the best thing that happened to me in there too!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:41, Reply)

smoking
a few years back i got thrown out of weatherspoons for smoking in the no-smoking bit... this in itself wasn't the whole reason behind being thrown out - it was more to do with the fact that i was repeatedly told by bar staff to put out my cigarette - which i dutifully did - only to light it back up again once they'd buggered off. clever eh? after several cycles of this, the bar staff appeared to run out of patience and a generously proportioned bouncer was summoned to dispense with me.

i was literally picked up, carried down the stairs and hurled onto the street - but not before shouting out at the top of my voice "MY LAWYER WILL HAVE A FIELD DAY!!" as i flew through the front door :-)
(rcgeorge23, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:28, Reply)

The opposite happens to me
A pub in Cambridge called The Haymakers offered me a tab on my second ever visit, and its not like I'm mates with the landlord or anything!

By the way, on the subject of pub names, some folk might find this London Underground style map of Cambridge amusing. If nothing else, you have to admire their commitment!

www.cambridge-pubs.co.uk/
(pitarou, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:27, Reply)

Indiscriminate Barring
About ten of us, all barred from a pub in South Manchester (which shall remain nameless) one fateful evening.

The reason - one of the group (not me) decided to take a shit in the middle of the bowling green at the back.


Guess I can't complain really.
(Buster Gonad needs to borrow your wheelbarrow on, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:16, Reply)

one or two...
Barred from:

Teesside Student Union bar after hugging a coke machine then (apparently) taking on three bouncers. I was fitted up, apart from the Coke machine bit.

Maddisons nightclub, again in 'boro, after getting pissed up and suggesting the door staff were a bunch of cunts. In hindsight they were all very nice about it.

Light Bar in Cambridge after being caught in a compromising position with a bird in the toilets (classy!) then ending up in a street brawl outside the front door.

Fort St. George is a decent pub, but the pissers are a pit of death in the warmer weather.
(Mr. Partyhat, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:04, Reply)

i have been barred from Australia
because i went and lived and worked there, and realized that Australians are the loneliest people in the world.

So of course i had to tell them that, to set them straight.

And i got barred as a result, but nothing much to miss really.
(Man in Japan, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:03, Reply)

there's something about wetherspoons...
I was barred for simulating a lesbian threesome in the beer garden of a wetherspoons (the "Fox on the Hill" in Camberwell).

In fairness, we were very drunk. And it was sunday lunchtime. And there were a LOT of kids about.

Got unbarred by seducing the manager the following day though.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:02, Reply)

Legless
You are indeed a legend. That Zen Shopping thing is just superb.
(buddha_fingers, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Banned from local pub
Pub in a nice quiet village, where everyone knows everyone, these things that we did probably werent such a good idea-

Got the dog drunk.
Watered the plants with alcohol.
One night the we were sat near the ladies toilet, for some reason the door had a bolt lock on the outside, so when the lady with us went it we locked it (we did tell her, we were going to do it). She broke the lock off getting out.
Singing loudly at midnight all the way home (about 1/2 a mile), several times a week.

None of the above actually got us barred, that happened when a friend of one of the other guys tested the aerodynamics of a pint glass outside the pub, and the bastard didnt even live in the village.

Luckily there was another pub in the village, so we just went there instead
(loquis, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 14:45, Reply)

Barred from a beach club
one drunken inbetween christmas and new year staff do on newcastle quayside in the snow. got thrown out and barred from ba ha beach club for putting empty bottles of wkd/smirnoff vice down the barmaids top. This was a really good idea at the time. still barred now, so drink real ale instead.

Fort St George - quality pub - v nice koftas too and lovely beer
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Amish information systems
reminds me of the time I was done by the police for not underage drinking.

there are about 10 of us, two were over 18 and had the 3 or 4 cans of beer that were present....

now on topic:
can't remember if I was included in the bar, but got kicked out of the imperial in exeter cos one of my mates' stashes had leaked into his baccy pouch, inadvertantly turning every one into a herbal cigarette. despite excellent acting and swift hiding skills on everyone's part, we still got booted out and a couple barred.

We were back a week later. Losers
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 14:26, Reply)

Barred... for not drinking meths
One of my mates at the time was a bit scruffy, and had just been to the hardware shop to get some meths to clean something or other. Since it was a proper hardware shop, he was given a brown bag to keep it in.

Cut to the pub at lunchtime, bottle set carefully upright on the bench seat next to him. Landlord comes along, sees bottle, removes from bag, and we are both barred for drinking meths, or, more accurately, for not drinking meths.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 14:18, Reply)

Pirate Pub
I am really trying hard to think of some sort of story involviing pirates and having one go Yarrr at me. Then I could say I had been Yarred. But I can't.
(ivebeenhigh i've climbed so high, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 14:12, Reply)

A Freezer Shop in Halifax
I was sixteen and skiving off school. We were keen on the fast show at the time.

The shop was packed with pensioners all buying frozen shit.

I took a deep breath and shouted "ARSE!!!!"

One old lady shat herself so much that she needed a chair to take a little rest. And she stank of poo so i guess she literally did shit herself.

Although the ban hasnt officially been lifted, the shop has changed owners so I can buy frozen shit from there. (except its pikey crap so I wont)

Fuck you with your pub/club stories. Pussys.

Try getting banned from a freezer shop!!!
( Inigo Montoya Would wear you like a hat. A HAT!!!, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 14:08, Reply)

Weatherspoons in louga borouga.
Dear mr Wynne,

I believe I was informed of that event.

Still not beated by the tabasco incident, or wrapping my car in bog roll.

Ill get you.

Bones.
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:59, Reply)

Weatherspoons in Loughborough
A couple of summers ago, I was on a week long residential course at Loughborough Uni. It had something to do with leadership and teambuilding and all that bollocks. One night we all went down into the centre of Loughborough and managed to find a Weatherspoons (I think it was called the moon and bell, or something like that, but I could be horribly wrong).

Anyway, after drinking a certain amount of pints (I don't remember how many), I decide I need to relieve myself but being outside in the beergarden at the back, the toilet was much too far away, being upstairs inside.

Clever little me spies the fire escape steps which climb up the back of the building and are clearly visible from pretty much everywhere, being 2 stories high. I climb diligently to the top and proceed to let fly from the top, into the road which ran along the side of the pub.

When done, I rejoined the party to a few shocked looks but nothing else. When we all came to leave I was approaced by the manager who promptly told me he'd seen what I'd done and that he'd had complaints. I didn't believe him, but apparently 5 or 6 families were all disgusted with my behaviour. He told me that if I did it again, I'd be barred. "Fair enough", I think.

I'd love to say I went back the next day and did it again, but as soon as I walked in the manager chucked me out again. Apparently he'd changed his mind and I WAS already barred. THe lying cunt. Been back since though AND used the toilet.
(PenrhynGwyndaf, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:55, Reply)

Barred
Was out in a pub in Aberystwyth with My mate Stan.

we decided that what we should Toast her Maj,so Stan get's up and raising his glass says in an almost Brian Blessed voice "Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, God bless her" to which we all saluted our glasses and drank.

I then stood up and toasted the queen Mum in similar fasion.

Stan then goes for King george the sixth

I go for "Edward the seventh and that harlot Wallace Simpson"

we were ejected by the landlord and a couple of Regulars whilst halfway through toasting Queen Victoria a couple of drinks later.

Oh and I'm also Barred from WH smiths in Northampton for refusing a paper bag for the book I'd brought.
(ceebs, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Early Learning Centre, Buchanan St, Glasgow
Apparently the ball pool was for toddlers only. :(
(Chanticleer, kept, awkwardly, pausing, on, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Switzerland
A bar in Wengen threw us out as my friend was yelling 'your trainers are whiter than the KKK' at the live entertainment. Or it might have been the rousing chorus of 'wanking men are we' that followed.

Hooters in Lauterbrunnen also banned us as apparently wearing only boxers, eating cake with no hands and breaking chairs is not appropriate behaviour for a 'family restaurant'.

Good holiday.
(hottwist, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:49, Reply)

Yey for graduation!
After graduation last year i was thrown out of a couple of pubs. Friends, Family and even Mum.

The Hourglass threw us out as we were very drunk and kept knocking over the spare pints on the table. We had spares as everytime my flatmat exclaimed 'More Booze!' dad gave the person nearest the bar a tenner and told them to go buy a pint. When one of our company started falling asleep they asked her to leave and eventually they stoped serving me or my dad and asked us to leave. Not even Mum was allowed to stay.

We then moved on to the Holland Club, a postgrad bar on campus. Usually reserved for staff, postgrads and quite pints, we made a right tits of ourselves, crammed crisps into each others faces (most of which ended up on the floor) and were then shouted at by the scary bar manager (Sorry Mr. Manager) who told us to leave.

Fun night.
(Squash, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:47, Reply)

Barred
I was once barred from every single bar and club in Lincoln in one night.

Basically, after some taxing Uni exams, at 11 oclock in the morning, we decided to engage in that age old student pastime that is known as the 'all-dayer'

We set off into town and discovered a bar that sold £1.60 pints of Carling all day, every day. So in there we sat, eventually playing drinking games with pitchers of cocktails (never a good idea)

I eventually around 6 oclock I had to return to my flat to fetch my passport (I don't drive, so it's my only form of ID) and I walked back with my mate, who ran into his missus (who promptly put him to bed as he was fucking ruined by this time). I decided to visit my then girlfriend, who instead of sobering me up, made me a nice, strong vodka and coke..

We journeyed back to town, and met up with the rest of the lads who'd continued drinking. The evening went downhill in terms of conduct from there, with pints being spilled etc.

I then spied two rather fetching looking small trees in the window of the bar in which we were sitting... and decided to rip all the branches and leaves off them and stick them in my front and back pockets. We then decided to go to a club, being as we were heroically drunk..

.. as we were leaving the bouncers stopped me for obvious reasons, and I decided it'd be a great idea to go "I'm terribly sorry..." and throw all the branches/leaves at the pair of bouncers.. and run off down the road, swifty followed by the rest of my group

We later tried to get into a club but the bouncer there kindly told us "You won't get in anywhere for a while, you got caught on CCTV causing descruction of property, all the bouncers in this town have orders not to let you in"


I got in the week after, fuck knows how..

And yes, I know I'm a twat for doing it.. seemed like a great idea at the time.
(comrade^, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:45, Reply)

Multiple barrings - Seaforth Ullapool
Got barred as a teenager from the same pub for: 3 months - pretending to be a dog and biting the straight headed manager. Allowed back in and did lobster impression (on bar) and pinched him - 3 months again... After another chance in, I spotted him watching me sitting with my shopping so sat a carrot on a stool next to me and started buying it drinks, which everyone picked up on and joined in. The carrot ended up with 18 vodka and cokes and I ended up barred for life. Took 2 years of begging to get allowed back in. Lasted 2 months before we set a firework off in the chip shop next door so got barred for life again. This time he stuck to his word for 5 years before my brother bought the pub and he left. And we all drink happily ever after!
(klondyker, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:32, Reply)

I work in a betting shop
And I found a note on the wall. Apparently the old area manager is barred, after he started trying to poach staff for BetFred.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:27, Reply)

Out! Get out!
Nearly 5 years ago I was with a youth group touring round Israel, seeing sights, being taken to see monumental buildings, hiking through the desert and other fun stuff. One of the highlights was getting to go to the supreme court, see the building, how the law worked and see courts in session.

We were the 'infamous' group - group 2.

We were ushered into the building by our group leaders, ad then a tour guide came and greeted us. She was French - she asked us where we were all from, and we all shouted out various English locations, Leeds, Manchester, London...I can't remember exactly how it happened, but she made an anti-English joke. We responded with an anti-French joke, and it carried on from there. Already boisterous 16 years olds were whipped into patriotic madness.

We eventually got to the courtrooms.By this time we were somewhat calmer, and we were told in the strictest terms that we must keep absolutely silent during the proceedings. We did...but then one of our leaders mobile phones rang! We were quickly ejected from the room, and bundled ino an empty courtroom. Frenchy then left us alone in the room. This was, in hindsight, not the best idea.

Spurred on by our leaders, we took to the judges chairs, played with the microphones, and held a mock trial, where the accused was being charged with gross indecency and stealing of milkybars and last rolos. Two kids started to climb up the witness stand and get on top of it, and everyone was shouting and laughing. Frenchy came back.

She stared for a moment in dumb horror at what we were doing to the courtroom, and then screamed "Out! All of you, get out!". She turned into a small whirlwind and booted us out, leading throught he corridors the hysterics crying that shed be sacked for sure and she couldn't believe what we'd done.

We were hencforth banned from the Supreme Court. So were all the other groups in our organisation. We were ashamed, and yet stragely impressed. In any case, she'd started it.

This year, I went back to the Supreme Court with a far smaller group, girls only from the US, Canada, France and the UK. The tourguide greeted us - she was originally from North London and had a heavy accent. "So" she said, "Have any of you been to the Supreme Court before?"

I tentatively raised my hand

"I have, but, um, I didn't really get to see all that much of it, you see we got kicked out..."
"Oh yes! Group 2, right?"

They remembered us!
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:26, Reply)

Years ago..
I was banned from a children's weekend playgroup thing for making a plasticine willy.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Hotels
I was barred from all Holiday Inns in the UK once.

This was following a small court case I was planning to bring against them for not giving me a prize for being "Employee of the Year".

Cunts.

Got the prize in the end though. I kept on going near the hotel where I worked for about a month, smiling at the CCTV cameras, and waving at them. Then, I asked for the video footage under the Data Protection Act! And they would have had to black out everybody elses face that wastn't mine. Would have cost them thousands to give me the videos.

No court case, but my parents got a free weekend in a 5* hotel in Paris, all expenses paid.

P.S. The Fort St. George is a great pub. They used to do a pub quiz on a Tuesday night, where one of the prizes was meat! I won many a sausage in there (oo-er missus!)
(deane1980 - I wasn't working at:, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 13:24, Reply)