RE: RE: Shit Question
In reply to the kind and generous b3tans (chikenlady etc) who replied to my last post may I extend my appreciation for replying. But that is where my appreciation ends I’m afraid. I have read plenty of stories regarding this qotw but so few of them have any real back story to them. It is becoming like of those "top 100" shit countdown programs on channel four on a Saturday night.

I will not apologise for length but I will apologise for the china/rubble comment.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 17 May 2008, 16:14, 4 replies)

My Biography
was written during my greatest accomplishments and my biographer had to bin his first draft and start afresh. So I could say that this life changed my book.

_{Is it too early for this?}
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 17 May 2008, 16:01, Reply)

Bah. Now my reading list is another ten miles long.
In other news, inspired by many other b3tans and possibly by the idea that aside from job hunting I will have endless free time for the next month after Wednesday, I am wondering whether I should actually try and get the book that's supposedly inside me to come out. If nothing else, if I can't get a job it might support me...
( Maladicta, Sat 17 May 2008, 15:46, 1 reply)

Some (of many)
Life, a User's Manual
Georges Perec's masterpiece. How anyone can tie together such a bizarre amount of stories, wrap them up, and come up with a genius novel (with humour) is beyond me. Read the original (La vie, Mode d'Emploi) or the translation by David Bellos (one of my professors at university, and a self-effacing source of many gems of alternative literature) and enjoy, for once the translation is every bit as good as the original. Utter brilliance. Also leads on to a deep appreciation of Paul Auster.

Down and Out in Paris and London
Again, you can read this one again and again and again, and get something new from it. 1984 was great, but this is writing on a human scale at its best.

The Master and Margarita.
Impossible to read this and believe it was written before the Second World War- like an acid trip that never seems to end. And, yes, the Stones based Sympathy For The Devil on this, but the song (with no disrespect) never scales the heights of the book.

As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning.
Laurie Lee walks across Spain just before the civil war. The pages bleed sunlight (and poverty). One of the reasons that the country holds such a spell on anyone (to get deeper, read "South from Granada" by Gerald Brennan. Amazingly as good as Laurie Lee, if not better...) And if you've read this, read the Northern European version, A Time For Gifts by Patrick Leigh Fermour. As good, if not better.

Foucault's Pendulum.
Makes the Da Vinci Code look like a sad comic. Which it may be, but at least people read it. Go here for the real deal- Umberto Eco knew what he was doing (a good 15 years before Dan Brown).

Add to this some others that come to mind now..
On the Road, Kerouac
Cancer Ward, Solzenitsyn
The Sea, John Banville
The Risk Pool, Richard Russo
One Hundred Years of Solitude, Garcia Marquez
... and you have a good few month's reading ahead of you.

(A nod to everyone here who has recommended things I haven't heard of-I'll be busy for a while thanks to you...)
(groover j lazerus, Sat 17 May 2008, 15:32, 2 replies)

These books may well use your life up
These are, supposedly, the top ten longest books, from this blog:

www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/15020

1. The Blah Story by Nigel Tomm. 3,277,227 words, which ends up being 7312 pages. And I thought The Stand was long (it’s only 1168 pages).
2. Marienbad My Love by Mark Leach. It is supposedly the world’s longest published novel in English at 2.5 million words. If you have some extra time, you can read it at marienbadmylove.com.
3. Artamène by Madeleine de Scudéry. It was published in ten volumes but considered a single work and contains 2.1 million words. If you’re fluent in French, you can read it at artemene.org.
4. A la recherche du temps perdu by Marcel Proust. No doubt Frank, the number one Proust scholar in America from Little Miss Sunshine would have read this even though it’s 1.5 million words long. The English translation is Remembrance of Things Past or In Search of Lost Time.
5. Mission Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. I’m sure Tom Cruise has this one memorized since it’s only 1.2 million words.
6. Gordana by Marija Juric Zagorka. Maria Juric, AKA Zagorka, was one of the first popular female writers in Croatia. No word count, but based on its 5200 page count, Gordana makes the list at number six.
7. Sironia, Texas by Madison Cooper. It’s roughly 1.1 million words; 1731 pages. A “little” story about small-town Texas.
8. Clarissa by Samuel Richardson. Clarissa explains it all in about 969,000 words. I’m sorry; I know that was a terrible joke. I just couldn’t help myself.
9. A Dance to the Music of Time by Anthony Powell This one is a little iffy, because it’s sometimes regarded as a novel sequence and not one novel. Like Clarissa, it’s just shy of one million words.
10. Poor Fellow My Country by Xavier Herbert This is the longest Australian novel ever written at 850,000 words.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Sat 17 May 2008, 15:17, Reply)

The book that changed my life
is the Bible. Sorry guys, I'm just sick of the typical anti-Bible slant that's out there. Want a free B3ta? How about both sides of the coin?

Thanks to the Bible I live in a wealthy society full of artists, poets, scientists, engineers, and technological advances. Thanks to the Bible I have hope, joy, love, and self-control. Who can say that any other book can do that for them?

Let the flaming begin! I think I would look best on a spit, put an apple in my mouth, and be careful with the spices - ginger just doesn't look good with flambe skin...
(satellite blows, Sat 17 May 2008, 15:01, 19 replies)

The Book that changed my life?
That'd be the bible.


Why?


I drove my scooter into a bookcase when I was 3. A large ornate bible fell from the top shelf and crushed my spine.

Fuck you Jesus, that's why.
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Sat 17 May 2008, 14:52, Reply)

I know some schemes are already in place
but we should set up some secret b3ta "drop zones" around the country, where anyone can drop off books they've already read, and find a new one. Any takers?

Then we can read more books that will change our lives....still on topic see?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sat 17 May 2008, 14:50, 4 replies)

Some key ones
'The Adventure Series' books by Willard Price. These books were my first serious move away from Asterix, Tintin and other comics. There were other books around the house that I read of course, but I discovered Willard Price all by myself and that made the books extra special. Plus, with 3 sisters and no brothers it mattered to me that these were, in my mind at least, definite boys books. I loved reading the awesome adventures and learning about animals and faraway countries. I can remember running up the stairs to the public library and charging in to see if there were any available that I had not already read 10 times.

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Cant recall how old I was when I read this, but I guess around 11 or 12. It was my first real exposure to the concept of drugs and the evils associated with them. Of course, after reading it I couldn’t wait to try them myself despite the grim story, but that didn’t happen for a few years. I was very curious after reading that book though and very proud I knew some of the lingo associated with this taboo area of society. Mind you, about this time Lisa N showed me the word ‘motherfucker’ in a book she was reading. I was absolutely shocked, never having heard such a word before. I was all ready to have a go at this LSD stuff though.

I've read a lot of war books, especially those based on Vietnam but Dispatches by Michael Herr is a standout for me. It was probably the book that moved me away from fiction and into non-fiction given the realisation that truth is definitely stranger than fiction. It also messed with my head as I was in my late teens when I read it and I spent a lot of years quietly shitting myself that some nasty war would require me to enter into the sort of madness Herr describes.

Writings on an Ethical Life by Peter Singer made me stop and review how I viewed the world and how I should live my life. I would be lying to say it caused sweeping changes, but I do more for charity as a direct result of his work (well, I used to do nothing) and that’s got to be a good thing. I'd done quite a bit of philosophy at uni, but Singer touched a chord with his work.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 17 May 2008, 14:12, 2 replies)

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
now fuck off you nosey bunch of obnoxious useless, slacking, cliquey cunts.
;-)
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Sat 17 May 2008, 12:49, 1 reply)

Douglas Adams'
books genuinely shaped the way my life turned out.

I always loved to read and Mum took us to the library every week once we were old enough to join. The first book I got out on the exciting day that I was allowed an adult library ticket was The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. After reading that I inhaled everything Douglas Adams ever wrote.

The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul was the first book I ever yearned to own. I asked for it for Christmas and spent the day curled up on the sofa reading it in sheer delight. The joy of ownership was a revelation to me and probably accounts for the insane number of books that are now piled up around the house in precarious heaps - all well read and well loved.

As a teenager it was Adams that partly inspired my list of fictional men that I judged potential boyfriends by. The list of characters I would run away with still stands as Ford Prefect, David Lister, The Doctor and Mr Darcy.

When we got the internet one of the first idle searches I did in Google was for Ford Prefect and that was how I ended up on H2G2 (before it got all weird and BBC owned). I loved that site and went along to the first birthday meet-up they held in Hyde Park. It was there that I met Mr Innogen and eight years later we are still very happy indeed.

So I can honestly say that it was Mr Adams' books which literally changed my life.

Not funny but true and making me feel quite nostalgic.
(Innogen, Sat 17 May 2008, 12:03, 2 replies)

where to begin?
I have two main collections of books: James Bond novels and POW escapes accounts.

I've got almost all the Bond novels (including a number of first editions) with the exception of John Gardner's Never Send Flowers, so some 40-odd books. Even though I've read them all to the point I've had to replace some of them, I still keep reading them. Sure, I like films, but see them being about the same character (with the exception of On Her Majesty's Secret Service and the recent Casino Royale). Even within the books, I don't much like the John Gardner novels, but it doesn't stop me reading them.

The POW thing comes from a couple of tatty old books my dad gave me when I was a kid: Airey Neave's Little Cyclone and Pat Reid's The Latter Days At Colditz. There's something immensely compelling about the planning, the ingenuity and the courage shown, often by many men barely into their twenties. Many of them escaped, not with the intention of getting home, but just to tie up German manpower to help the war effort. It's also the way they're written - almost no mention of the real hardships, the lack of food, the cold, the threadbare uniforms, being cooped up with a dozen other men in a wooden hut for anything up to six years - yet they're almost always presented as a jolly adventure. Many complain about this, but I think it just shows the spirit of those involved.
Of course, there are also the things that make you angry to read - the execution of 50 'Great Escapers' by the Gestapo, the hundred killed by the Canadian airforce, hundreds dying of cold and starvation on the forced marches and almost worse, the fact that 2,000 never came home at all, but were transported to Siberia by the Russians who were supposed to be freeing them.
Compelling stuff.

But my favourite book of the moment is Ice Cold In Alex. I don't normally have much time for war fiction as there's enough true tales that are usually much more interesting, but this book is an absolute classic. If you've not read it, then do so - it'll save me boring you all by banging on about it...
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 17 May 2008, 11:45, Reply)

sven hassel
if you're interested in war stories, i would definitely recommend sven hassel's books, especially legion of the damned, wheels of terror and comrades of war. the gritty realism focuses more on the futility of war, the camaraderie of the soldiers and all the time spent waiting to fight.
as part of a penal battalion, hassel's character is surrounded by criminals and deserters, who quickly become his closest friends. between the drinking, whoring and in-fighting, it's surprising they had time to wage war on anyone.

these are not books about glorious victories or skilful tactical manoeuvres, but the tales of ordinary men who really didn't want to be there.
give them a try, you may be surprised.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 May 2008, 11:35, Reply)

The pocketsize copy of Kahlil Gibran's
"The Prophet" given to me by my fiancee.
(Slyph, Sat 17 May 2008, 11:27, Reply)

RE:Shit Question
I realise I may have upset a few characters yesterday with my 'tongue in cheek' comment regarding the whimsical nature of this question. I was only pointing out that this question is not as funny as previous questions. So calm the fuck down and count to ten. Other people have wrote worse things on here before so before you all condemn me to hell and compare me to Hitler, Attila the Hun and other sorts of wrong doers I suggest you all take a long look at other responses to other questions. And pointing out spelling mistakes.... we all know that only fucking twats do that. You are the sort of people who through the guardian with a red pen a write to the editor the next day informing them of there errors. So fuck off, I’m off to read Jordans autobiography.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 17 May 2008, 11:13, 7 replies)

One of my favourite books
Is the Larousse English-French dictionary I got when I studied A-Level French.

Is this because it's a comprehensive guide and mentor to a beautiful language?

Is this because it helped me expand my French vocabulary to a size of which even Mr Lawrence would be proud?

No.

It's because its pages are made out of that lovely, thin-yet-durable stuff that usually frequents dictionaries and sometimes bibles. I loved to turn its pages and listen to the gentle rustling.

I got an E.

EDIT: And I've just realised that the Larousse is a cookbook. Or is it? I can't remember. Damn.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 17 May 2008, 10:28, 4 replies)

One of the best QOTWs for ages.
Taking up some of the suggestions, and heartened to see Terry Pratchett mentioned so many times. My favourite of his at the moment? Night Watch, sets up an early Vimes, and fills in the gaps in the books- like how Reg Shoe became a zombie.

May I highly recommend for the best war book, Chickenhawk by Robert Mason (ISBN-10: 0143035711 ), a harrowing tale of a helicopter pilot during the Vietnam conflict. Superbly written, I have returned MANY times to this book, just for its sense of swapping back between the cameraderie between the men, and then the sheer bloody futility that they are trying to "make a difference".And yes, it did make a difference in me- I decided when I first read it whilst in 2 Para that I could not shoot a man in the name of the Queen, or some politician, so got out sharpish- 2 months before the Falklands were invaded by Argentina.

Molesworth- I've not seen any mentions so far of this superb piece of writing by Geoffrey Willans, with drawings by the masterful Ronald Searle, an artist who I fervently copied throughout my formative years, as well as Hunt Emerson, who used to draw for NME (when it was good), and then Fiesta (ahem- which was always good, if you catch my drift.) Back to Molesworth- spent my formative years at school going round saying "Chiz", and writing in essays "as any fule no", amongst other sayings, and the only "beak" that got the joke was the best teacher in the school, so used to snort and giggle at the front of the class whilst marking essays if a Molesworth saying popped up, but I used to catch him off guard by letting people copy my work.

Last but not least, Nancy Friday and My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies. Given it by a girlfriend when I was just started going out with her, and was very unadventurous, shall we say. It changed my life as it showed that womens minds were just as dirty, if not more so, than a males mind, and it was ok to try different things, as you could bet your bottom dollar that she had fantasised about it at some time. Bit worrying some of them, mind- especially the one with the gorilla.
No length related jokes toda. Sorry.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sat 17 May 2008, 10:01, 7 replies)

This QOTW is made for me
I bloody love books.

Mild warning - this answer contains no jokes, no witty word plays and doesn’t strictly stick to the question as no single book actually changed my life (although several probably saved it whilst being used as spider defence shields).

Anybody who doesnt like books is just thicky scum. This is perhaps slightly on the harsh side but who cares? Books open up whole new worlds; with a bit of imagination and a good book you can explore deserts, hunt down pablo escobar, learn that the orangey bit in jaffa cakes is actually made from apricots and personally win the battle of Britain. But no, you cannot be a speccy baby wizard at boarding school unless you're under the age of 15. – ITS FOR KIDS.

Again in contradiction of the instructions, here is my list:

Horror books
Stephen King is overrated. The true master is Dean Koontz. I challenge anyone to read Watchers, at home, alone, at night and not want their mum.

Travel books
A great genre. The most popular authors - Bryson et al. are good but for the best reads go for the one off authors who have done something special: spent a year digging for gold, completed the south korean riot police 1 year martial arts course, become a professional poker player etc. The point is that these books are largely written by one-book authors with something amazing to talk about. Some are poor (Jupiters travels), many are great. Go find 'em

War
Huh, what is it good for? Books.
A couple of my favourites are Steven Pressfield, Tides of War (the book 300 is based on), Mark Bowden, Black Hawk Down (masterful). War books about real incidents, or based on real facts with the story added on top tend to be the best.

Politic thrillers
Tom Clancy. He wrote about a suicide pilot flying a 747 into the white house MANY years before 2001. Realistic, very well researched and deeply immersing.

'Scientific' books
Jared Diamond - 'Collapse' and 'Guns, germs and steel' should be in everyone’s library. Other valuable reads include: In bear country, Dont run whatever you do, call of the wild (not about the dog) and the undercover economist, but there are many others.

Other great authors everyone should try include: Terry Pratchett for his observations on life, Douglas Adams - the biscuit sketch in the hitchhikers guide is genuinely laugh out loud funny, Bernard Cornwell's Sharpe kicks some French derriere in true swashbuckling style and Romeo Dallaire's account of when he was in charge of the UN forces in Rwanda will move most people close to tears.

Favourites:
1) Hitchhikers guide
2) Doug Standon, In Harms way. The US cruiser that delivered the bomb, as told in Jaws.
3) One of many by Wilbur Smith

Go read people.

Oh, and avoid anything described as a classic. Dappled autumnal leaves glowing golden in the early morning sun…. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Books are not about poncy literature. And please, just because 10 trillion pounds has been spent on the marketing of a book it does not make that book good. You arguing that it is, actually, good tends just to highlight your media whoreishness: Dan Brown, Rowling, the bible etc
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Sat 17 May 2008, 9:28, 7 replies)

thirteenth tale - diane setterfield
nearly got me sacked. i read constantly, i have hundreds of bookshelves dripping with books, i am always reading several books concurrently and if there is one i really like, sometimes even whilst walking to the tube, much to the annoyance of everyone else.

so my room mate at work and i discussed how much we love reading and decided to start a mini book club, basically an excuse to get together once a month with some friends, minglise, lots of food, lots of wine.

we invited about 20 friends and sent a group email. as you can imagine, this created literally hundreds of emails re: which book, which pub, which wine, which date... also, as my room mate had been trying to play cupid for a gay colleague who is in love with her gay mate, there was a lot of increasingly risque banter.

all fine, until i got an email from a client:

"dear rswipe. i have just got back from holiday to discover 300 emails about the thirteenth tale in my inbox and 200 emails about alcohol tolerance......"

OH SHITFUCK!!!! FUCK! SHIT! stupid auto-complete on the email, must have added the wrong michael at some point....... argh!

fortunately he saw the funny side. and it is a very readable book. and the two gay guys have their first real date next week. so happy ending all round!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 17 May 2008, 9:21, 2 replies)

A Boy and His Dog
'A Boy and His Dog' is a short story that appeared in Harlan Ellison's sci-fi collection 'The Beast that Shouted Love at the Heart of the World'. I checked the book out from my school library at age 11. The timing was perfect - I was just short of beginning puberty, and the story is utterly filthy: arson, rape, murder, cannabilism (sort of), and general post-apocalyptic anarchy.

I couldn't believe the book was in my school library; if there's one story you don't want a young boy reading, A Boy and His Dog would be the story. But there it was, and I read it -- several times. I recall reading the story the first time, and being absolutely boggled at the sexuality, and the way the characters lived and reacted to each other.

I can safely say that book made a huge impact on my life, opening my eyes to a range of human behavior that most young people aren't exposed to without direct, horrendous involvement. I think the end result is that I'm more even-tempered, and certainly not easily shocked!

There were other adult-themed books or stories I read during my teen years, but that one stuck with me. The 1974 film was pretty good, but not nearly as violent or depraved as the story. If you've only seen the movie, and thought it was pretty skeevy, then you owe it to yourself to hunt down the story.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Sat 17 May 2008, 7:47, Reply)

The one thing we learnt in high-school
To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee

Great book. We studied this as a class back in year 8, just as we were losing our own innocence. Coming from a pretty rough school, I was surprised that in a book that says "nigger" 48 times, no-one laughed at it like they usually did. Such a well-written novel that I stole a copy from the class-set & still have it to this day.
(DrDjBeatboxBennyBStarMcClicks, Sat 17 May 2008, 3:34, 2 replies)

Chronological order
8: Redwall - Brian Jacques. I became obsessed and started a religion with the characters as deities. I was obviously high priestess.

12: Witches of Eileanan - Kate Forsyth. Given to me by a teacher on whom I had a huge crush at the time, it was the first grown-up book I read - with SEX in it. It was all downhill from there.

15: The Liar - Stephen Fry. Wit, drug references, espionage - and gay sex. In my youth I've always had a yen to be more dashing and to live in a boarding school, and therefore fell madly in love with the Oscar Wilde-impersonating hero of the novel.

16: Story of O - Pauline Reage. Kinky sex. Need I say more?

And therein we have the tale of my adolescent descent into the flames of hell. Or something.
(echomikeromeo, Sat 17 May 2008, 1:35, Reply)

How I learned to be invisible
I bought a book years ago, called "Ninja Secrets Of Invisibility." It lived in my toilet for years, as it was the kind of book you could open on any page and learn something amazing. For instance, if you want to sneak past an armed guard, you wait until he's looking the other way, then tiptoe past him! Or to be really tricky, you can tap him on the shoulder, then when he turns that way, you go the other. With these kinds of subtle tricks, Im amazed that Ninjas didn't take over the whole world!
(hixy, Sat 17 May 2008, 0:50, 2 replies)

Roger Hargreaves' (Mr Men author) lesser known book..
Are You A Roundy or a Squary.

It taught me that Roundies like flowers and that Squaries pick flowers.
(The Fretful Porpentine, Fri 16 May 2008, 23:19, Reply)

I don't think I've Wikkied so much for ages.
Ta for the suggestions, a lot sounds like pretentious right on crap, but I'll bear it in mind.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 16 May 2008, 23:10, Reply)

How to read for dummies...

took me a while mind...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 16 May 2008, 22:47, 2 replies)

Books that changed my life
I have my father to thank for introducing me to the series of books that... Well ok they didn't change my life but they changed my views on war and what i thought of as comedy (which until then had pretty much involved people hitting each other with household implements). Spike Milligans War Memoirs!
As you would expect from Milligan they are both extremely well written and very funny. They cover the time between his being conscripted into the Royal Artillery to his early forays into radio and give a real insight into the mind of a young man going off to fight for his country.
They are at times extremely poignant as well and it really brings it home that Spike is talking about real people when the inevitable happened and people he knew and had talked about were killed. Milligan also suffered with depression and at times this comes across quite clearly in his writing.
The moments of the absurd are there when recounting such events as the great lie in contest, clubbing, the gun barrel full of urine and the exploding dog.

I have read this series of books too many times to count and never get tired of them. I would also like to say i am now on my third copy of the first book in the series because i lend it out and never get the bugger back ( You know who you are Steve)

I would like to finish with my favourite Milligan quote from Adolf Hitler My Part In His Downfall
"The die was cast. It was a proud day for the Milligan family as I was taken from the house. ‘I’m too young to go,’ I screamed as Military Policemen dragged me from my pram, clutching a dummy. At Victoria Station the RTO gave me a travel warrant, a white feather and a picture of Hitler marked ‘This is your enemy’. I searched every compartment, but he wasn’t on the train. At 4.30, June 2nd, 1940, on a summer’s day all mare’s tails and blue sky we arrived at Bexhill-on-Sea, where I got off. It wasn’t easy. The train didn’t stop there."

BUY IT AND READ IT NOW. Just don't ask to borrow my copies :)
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 16 May 2008, 22:38, 3 replies)

Time Management Tip
Once, idling my way through a bookstore, I picked up a book entitled 'Seven Habits Of Highly-Effective People', or something like that. The author urged his readers to ruthlessly purge all unnecessary and time-wasting reading material from their lives - gossip magazines, crossword puzzles, comic books, sports columns, B3ta, etc. "If you don't need it, don't read it!" I thought to myself: "Well, I don't really need to read THIS book," and put it back on the shelf.

Changed my life, the book did....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 16 May 2008, 22:38, 2 replies)

Jonathan Livingston Seagull
a book by Richard Bach
for more info just look it up on wikipedia (the ever accurate font of useless and often inaccurate knowledge)

those of you who have read it know why i have mentioned it here, those that dont know. GO AND READ IT
(Wankle-Rotary-Engine -pronounced 'Throat Wobbler Mangrove', Fri 16 May 2008, 22:29, 1 reply)