So anyway...
One night, as I do EVERY NIGHT, I got OFF MY HEAD on MASSIVE OSTRICHES(they're like Doves, only for REAL men). I dind't do anything that due to me spending all night beating up ninja robot squaddies and then inserting my bacon hypodermic into them to giving infusions of organic mayonnaise to their DRIPPING supermodel girlfriends.

However.

Next morning.

I felt horrid.

So I jumped in the Accord and drove down the shop, donutting the car all the way and flicking V's at traffic coppers. They let me do this as I chainsawed a pimp to death for them once. They even kept the story out of the papers.

At the supermarket, in the booze-and-pot-noodle aisle(they have one at my supermarket because I'm THAT important in my town) some woman was there with a child, despite the fact that under-18's are banned by law from shops selling booze. So what was to happen next was clearly ALL HER OWN FAULT.

They were singing 'Old MacDonald'.

I gave them a menacing glower. That normally makes SAS men shit themselves, but they apparently didn't see it.

So, I waited until her back was turned and BROKE THE CHILDS ARM OVER MY KNEE. He totally deserved it. He was singing 'with a moo-moo here' too loud and a bit flat.

But the SELFISH QUEEN OF THE HARPIES had noticed and said that I wasn't allowed to do that. Needless to say, I had the last laugh though.

I injected her with a syringe full of MASSIVE DRUGS an waited for her to pass out.
THEN I KICKED HER IN THE RIBS and left.

It was only when I got home that I remembered that I'd forgotten to buy bread. Fuck's sake.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 24 Mar 2013, 23:47, 19 replies)

A nice drive to Portsmouth
I chose a quiet time to go, when traffic was minimal and I'd have a clear run.
So I climbed into my Honda (CRX Del Sol not an Accord) and, after topping the up the tank set off on my merry way.
On arrival I noticed my little GoCart hadn't been as fuel efficient as usual, I normally get down to Pompey, from Essex on a couple of gallons but I'd managed to double my consumption.
I put this down to my driving and, more to the point, what speed I could get out of it (115 for those who are interested).

On my return and parking said GoCart on my drive I noticed that not only was my petrol flap thingy waving in the wind,I'd forgotten to replace the fuel cap.
tl;dr, topped up, broke the law and left most of the M27 covered in petrol.
(Docofair, Sun 24 Mar 2013, 23:27, 8 replies)

Gambling
Many moons ago, I was gambling a lot. If there was an event on, I had to have a bet.

Came home from a night out, logged into Bet365 (other worse betting sites are use-able, but now I realise this is the worst) and thought I would have my usual treble.

£20, Arsenal to win, Newcastle win and West Brom to draw. Been doing this bet as a "standard" one over the last 4 seasons. Been doing well. Up about £300.

Trouble was, they had just updated their website and it was no longer in price order. So I'd backed.

Arsenal to lose to Hull at Home
Newcastle to lose to Blackburn at home
West Brom to win away at Middlesburgh.

I tried to cancel the bet. Rang Bet365 and they (correctly) said I'd been sober enough to get through security so the bet stands.

Won just under 2 grand.
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Sun 24 Mar 2013, 23:10, 1 reply)

Turning the computer on to Google something
but forgetting what it was, is the modern version of going upstairs and forgetting what you went up there for.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 24 Mar 2013, 18:08, Reply)

After filling up with petrol..
..I returned to my car, got in, put my seat belt on, put it in gear, released the handbrake, gently raised the clutch and... nothing happened. I hadn't bothered to start it.
(Haywood Manley, Sun 24 Mar 2013, 15:45, 7 replies)

Free bar
The last Thursday before payday was always free bar night at the media agency I used to work at. Arriving home from one, I tried to use my Tesco club card to open the security doors to my block of flats, and then my oyster card to open my front door.
(ricky_darkholer is blonde on the inside, Sun 24 Mar 2013, 13:25, 1 reply)

Think of the cat...
If I let the cat out of the back door of the house I normally lock the back door afterwards, simply for security. The missus will always say "You can't lock the door, the cat's not going to be able to come in now!" even though he can't use the door handle because he's a cat, not a human. I've tried explaining this to her numerous times but I may as well be talking to the cat. PS we know when the cat's back as he knocks the door, the cheeky meowing mong, although he does actually say thanks when you let him in (he does this grumbly purr as he sucks my cock with gratitude).
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 24 Mar 2013, 8:42, 10 replies)

Pearoasted from
The B3ta Detective Agency.

Here's a doozy.
I went up to the bottle-shop to get some beers after work 1 night many years ago in my Ford Escort Ghia (auto - & that's important later). Completely straight, sane & sober. Come out of the bottle-o (where I know the guys quite well), jump in the car.
Won't start.
Now to be fair this beauty did have some dicky electrics so within about half-an-hour I end up cleaning the battery terminals, checking the alternator, starter-motor & the plugs and points (steadily gathering a crowd of blokes all offering little bits of advice).
Eventually Clayton (who worked @ the bottle-o but was a drinking buddy at the local pub) suggested that I might want to put the car in "park" or "neutral" rather than "drive" in future in order to start my car with automatic transmission...

Car in park, starts 1st time & off I go home rather sheepishly to enjoy my beers. The missus just about wet herself laughing
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 24 Mar 2013, 5:55, 6 replies)

As most of you who have had some vague interaction with me before will know, I live in Australia.
And Australia is known for all sorts of things that try to kill you. Spiders, sharks, deserts, jellyfish, murderous psychopaths in the outback...but the thing that really gets me, year in, year out, every single time, is the heat.
Oh god. The heat. It's the middle of March, so it SHOULD, be cooling down now as we move into Autumn. But it hasn't been cooling down at all.

From about the first weekend of March, there were 9 straight days of weather over 35 degrees here. The first day I was alright. I had my fan on, drank lots of water, tried to keep indoors or where there was air conditioning. I did this for the first three days successfully. Then the heat started getting to me, and the lack of sleep, compounded with that constant, hot, sweaty, uncomfortable feeling prompted me to go a bit auto-pilot-y, and do a few stupid things.

The first being that after putting a load of clothes into the machine, I took my laundry powder home and put it in my refrigerator. I don't know why I did it, or what my logic was, but I didn't even notice until I went looking for my bottle of water and found it sitting next to the Dynamo!

The second was trying to cook dinner. I had everything ready to go, went to boil the eggs in the saucepan on the stove, and realised I'd forgotten to put the water in the pot on to boil after 15 minutes of the water steadfastly refusing to bubble.

I don't like the heat.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 24 Mar 2013, 1:31, 14 replies)

I work in an early 50s industrial unit which gets very, very cold in winter.
In the lab we have an electric heater which is normally run at three bars during the day. The last person out is meant to switch it back down to one bar before they leave - enough to keep it from being fucking freezing the next day, but low enough not to waste huge amounts of electricity.

Being the last person in yesterday, before I left I cleaned up all the worktops and diligently switched off everything else that needed to be switched off, and then remembered about the heater about two hours after I got home.

I tried to get in earlier today, but I have no key for any of the outer doors and it turns out that they lock them over the weekend. Whoops.

(I might have expected at least one of them to be open as the mixing supervisor often gets in a bit of overtime on Saturday mornings. Not this Saturday though.)

On the plus side, even though the heater will have been running at full power for nearly 65 hours by Monday morning and pissed a load of electricity right up the wall, at least it'll be nice and warm when we come in.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 23:45, 1 reply)

Shift work doesn`t bloody help!
After 2nd of 3 night shifts, I hadn`t slept a lot as it was summer and noisy at the weekend, did some low brain function chores then it was shit shave and shower and off to work. ( or so I thought) WTF my keys? )

I`d double locked the front door on autopilot so they are in the house.

WHERE?

Not visible or in any of the usual suspect locations.

Panic is starting, clipped to the keybunch is the open any door to any security level oh-my-fucking-god master and a master electronic pass for out of hours quick response to the systems stuff. Security don`t have one, access is call the vacuums in suits on a Sunday for permissions, codes to keycabs and areas.....and not a good idea.

I rang the operations supervisor (who was a great old boy) gave him the lot, said I was going to be a bit late and got uncle`d : "chill out, I`ve been doing nights 20 years more than you, this is familiar territory, take your time, sit down with a cup of tea and disconnect, it will come back what you did before trying to sleep"

Kettle on, bag in and out,went to get milk, and my bloody keybunch was in the fridge

6am that day ( sunday) I had driven home on a redbull, bought a pint of milk at the BP garage, put it in the fridge with everything else I was carrying and lay in the arms of Morpheus, then I awoke with zero recall.

Feckin Eejert!
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 23:09, Reply)

Car keys.
I sometimes panic when I don't know where my car keys are. Then remember I'm driving.
( Ambegris likes his tea stirred anti-clockwise, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 21:49, 1 reply)

One of my customers, a few years ago.
The interwebs were a fairly new experience, and people were suddenly getting email addresses. One of our regulars - let's call him Frank Lawrence from Honeywell - phoned me for a quote, and proudly told me I could email him the quote.

"What's your email address?" I asked.
"Ooh, hang on a minute, I can't remember!" replied Frank. "I know it, I've been telling people all morning. D'oh, what is it? Oh, hang on a minute, I'll ask Dave. Dave, what's my email address?"

A moment later he came back with "Oh yeah. It's [email protected]"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 14:39, 38 replies)

All watched over by machines of loving grace
A few years back I used to DJ and help out at my favourite pub. It was a nice pub, never any trouble, so they didn't have door-staff or bouncers. If anything did start it was generally diffused by myself or some of the other more burly regulars.

One particular night the splendid bonhomie of said pub was rudely interrupted by one rather loud gentleman banging rather fiercely on the side of the jukebox and swearing a lot.

A few of us looked at each other with mild perturbance. Glances were exchanged. I got up to have a quiet word.

"What's up mate?"

"This fucking thing!"

"Have you put the right money in?"

"YES! Fucking thing!"

"Well what do you want?"

"I couldn't give a shit mate. Anything!"

"Uh... well what would you like? There's plenty of choice."

"Any fucking thing!"

"Well what's your favourite band?"

"WHAT!? The fuck's that got to do with you?"

"I'm just trying to help you get what you want! What did you want when you put your money in?"

"Marlboro lights."

I don't think he came in again.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 14:18, 8 replies)

DOUBLE brain fade!!
My mate came home from work one night and put his car key into his front door.

His house started! So he drove around for a while, until he was pulled over by the police.

"Where do you live?" asked the police officer
"Here!" replied my mate.

D'oh!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 14:00, 4 replies)

Pretty sure I've mentioned this before...
Years ago I worked for a little company, based in an old sawmill. We decided to build a partition wall to turn our large and pointless reception area into a small reception and an office. We bought a door from B&Q, measured it up and built a studwork partition, onto which we would put boards, and paint.
To check the door fitted into the gap we'd left, we (rather predictably) put it where it was going to go. Stepping through a gap in the studwork, I checked that everything looked okay.

"Yep, that's all fine" I confirmed to my colleague, then went to rejoin him on the other side of the wall.

By going through the door.

My feet both got as far as the bottom of the door; my hand was still holding the door handle and I fell forwards with the door, unable to do anything to break my fall.

Approximately eight days later I managed to stop giggling.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 13:57, 1 reply)

Newspaper masthead
I got annoyed with the (dead tree) newspaper I was reading at lunch and I realised it was because I kept glancing at the masthead to see what time it was (and getting annoyed that the *&^$ designer had seen fit to only put the date in, but not the time).
(xixax, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 12:30, 1 reply)

All of these stories are the reason why you always check if a firearm is safe each time you pick it up.
Doesn't matter if you only put it down five seconds ago, CHEK IT AGAIN.

That way you don't accidentally annihilate your neighbours favorite goose.




Sorry Kirsty, it won't happen again.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 11:59, 2 replies)

Redemption's post reminded me.
Going from a Ford Escort Ghia to Toyota Camry "Fastback".

& forever turning the windscreen wipers on when I wanted to indicate.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 23 Mar 2013, 10:55, 2 replies)

The first time I watched a DVD
I tried to rewind it at the end.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 10:37, Reply)

Feast mode
This looks on the surface a little more like a "when I was shit faced beyond belief" story which I'm sure have been done in other QOTWs, but it's also an example of being *completely* on autopilot.

I have diabetes and in 15 years there's been a couple times my blood sugar has gone low enough to make me black out a bit, and each time I've discovered some evidence afterwards that I go into a kind of unconscious routine of 'Eat anything you can see or feel around you, in any order, in any manner. Eat it all." The first time was after spending a long, extremely hot day at work, skipping lunch, and then exercising outside for three hours.

Walking to my car, I started to notice that I was getting wobbly and took a detour to my office where I could get some sugary food or drink. This is about where my memory of the situation tapers off. I didn't actually pass out, but I must have been gone enough to climb the three flights of stairs to my office on total autopilot and get to the department refrigerator only to find that I actually didn't have any of my own food in there.

My memory starts up again about ten minutes later, when some friends found their way up to the department to check on me. I was crouching in the corner by the refrigerator with the door open, assorted items on the floor, calmly drinking someone else's lemon soda out of a makeshift cup. The cup was a half empty peanut butter jar belonging to another someone else (apparently half emptied by me, using my hand as a spoon).
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 6:06, 1 reply)

I was going to post something
But I can't remember what.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 4:39, 1 reply)

More Brainfart and Inadvertent Intolerance
than Brain Fade, but you get what you pay for.

Staff meeting yesterday. The theme was Harmony Day - as this week was Harmony Week. The boss made us all take a number then we had to go and sit in the corresponding seat. We then had to share some information with the person next to us about ourselves that they didn't already know. We then had to share that information with the group. You can see where this is going right?

First pair - Krystal and Demi. Krystal tells us that Demi is an only child, adopted and Nepalese.
"Which is the same as Indian - as you can see." Krystal says, gesturing at Demi. Demi's skin colour is a few tints off stained mahogany.
Next up is Carla and Janice. Janice tells us how Carla was born and raised in South Africa. "As you can see." Janice gestures towards Carla who is a large middle-aged white woman.
Then it's mine and my partner Chloe's turn. Chloe tells everyone how I was born in Zambia in Africa. "As you can see." Chloe motions towards me. I am a fat, 40 yo. white guy.

Fucking Harmony Day - who thinks this shit up? Someone, somewhere actually earnt some money for coming up with that concept. But I haven't even got to the kicker yet!

Andy has asked his partner Doreen to tell us all that he is living as a gay man and is in a long term committed relationship with a bloke he met last month. Doreen was quite reticent to do so and had to check with Andy repeatedly if this was ok. Andy was adamant that he wanted everyone to know. His aunt Krystal nearly falls off her seat and cannot stop herself from uttering the phrase - "Oh shit!".

And then we had our staff meeting!

Length - longest 40 odd min. meeting I've ever had to sit thru. Something tells me we won't be having Harmony Day next year.
EDIT: When I get hold of the minutes I am more than happy to post them.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 23 Mar 2013, 4:30, 2 replies)

I thought...
...I left an obnoxious post around here somewhere
( Ken Oath, Sat 23 Mar 2013, 2:07, 1 reply)

Yuletide down under
My first paying job was working at a BP garage in Germany, valeting cars and generally fulfilling the role of dogsbody for 3 DM an hour. One of my co-workers was a rather gregarious Australian called Andy.

One day I was in the middle of cleaning up the carwash and the menial task broke my brain. My thought process went thusly:

'So Andy's Australian...

...Australians celebrate Christmas in the summer...

...I wonder what day they celebrate it on.'

I was halfway across the forecourt to ask him before I realised I was an idiot. Lucky too because he would've never let me hear the end of it.

For some reason my guess was going to be June 12th.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Fri 22 Mar 2013, 22:51, 3 replies)

About 15 years ago...
...my old man was driving down the A10 whilst enjoying a ciggie, when suddenly his brand new mobile phone started ringing. (Remember those Nokia's that you could get different colour fascias for and swap them around? It was one of them).

So, he takes the call and then struggles to navigate the triple-whammy of multi-tasking he has bestowed upon himself. Driving, smoking and chatting on the phone at the same time - tricky stuff.

Anyway, the call ends at the same time as the ciggie. He goes to lob the fag out of the window and dump the phone on the passenger seat...








...If anyone's driving around in a second hand, 1995 plate, Peugeot 406 in Burgundy, check your passenger seat for a nasty little burn will you? Cheers!
(Clonk, Fri 22 Mar 2013, 20:57, 3 replies)

Dialling "9" for an outside line...
... when I'm at home.
(Bob the Builder killed Captain Alex, Fri 22 Mar 2013, 20:57, 2 replies)

Not so much brain fade as brain reluctance
Am I the only one who learned how to pronounce "Eyjafjallajökull" far too late for it to be relevant?
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 22 Mar 2013, 20:47, 3 replies)