According to some
I am going to burn in Hell because I don't believe in it. Awkward or what?
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:34, 2 replies)

Hell booked
I have:

1. Pissed on an altar

2. Called a nun a cunt

3. Stolen from the Vatican

4. become an atheist

1. I pissed on an altar when I was 6 and it was accidentally I didn't flop my knob out and slash up a statue of the virgin mary. I was an alter server and catholic masses go on for a very long time I thought i could hold it, I couldn't and a little yellow waterfall cascaded down the altar steps.

2. I went to a catholic school (hence the alter serving) and some of our teachers were nuns. The head mistress was a formidable nun called Sister Margaret-Mary. Face like a hatchet, fucking horrible bitch. My friend John-Paul told me to call her a cunt. I didn't know what it meant. I knew it was rude but didn't know the power of the C-bomb. The look on her face was fantastic & terrifying and I received a hell of a beating and letter home where I received a hell of a beating. I reflection it was worth it for that look on her face and the sight of my mate John Paul struggling the breath from laughing so much

3. I stole postcards & a tea towel of the Sistine Chapel when I visited the Vatican. Amazing place even if you don't believe in god. I figured they didn't need the money.

4. Being brought up a catholic made me really question the existence of god from an early age because to put it simply they believe in some fucked up shit.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:32, Reply)

I used to troll the religious section on Yahoo answers.
I don't anymore as it was gradually overun by smug atheists and the fun went out of it. What's the point of trolling if all you get is general agreement and there's no one left to be indignant? Anyway, in the unlikely event the sky pilots turn out to be right, I'm on the first pendolino to Hull for this body of work alone. I tried to be a bit more creative with my trolling than the usual "God's not real" or Salman Rushdie's follow-up novel "The Buddha's a big fat cunt". I'll leave you with one example:

I can conclusively prove that God is real. what do you think?
Firstly, imagine that you are floating in space looking down at the world. Now imagine in your space ship next to you in the cabin there is a beaver. If you are having difficulty imagining a beaver, then imagine another furry woodland creature of approximately similar dimensions. Now, a beaver, if it is a beaver that you're imagining, needs a diet of green leafy vegetables and fish meal protein mix if you're to keep it as a pet. One of the most important things to do is to look around your home and identify areas that the beaver could chew with his well developed incisors, and either paint them with a heavy pine lacquer that the beaver won't feel inclined to bite, or to simply remove those objects from within the beavers reach. Have him checked by a vet regularly, and remember: beavers love water. I wish you many years of enjoyable beaver ownership.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:24, 5 replies)

Attacking a priest
Age 4. My brother and I were getting dedicated into God's family... kinda like a christening, but when you're older. I don't remember much about it. We had to stand at the front of the church and be STILL and QUIET and DON'T TALK TO YOUR BROTHER!

Now, this didn't seem too fair, as the man in the church outfit kept talking. He kept saying my name as well, but didn't look at me once! How rude! So, to get him to look at me, I trod on his foot.

No reaction. NOTHING. Wow.

So I tried again. A bit harder this time. Again, no reaction. I leaned all my weight onto his foot, and he didn't even look down.

So I decided to take a flying leap! I jumped onto his foot as hard as I could, which action made my mum finally notice I was doing something. She dragged me to the back of the room and told me off, and from that vantage point I could see the priest finish his prayer, smile at the congregation, introduce the next song, and then slowly limp his way to the pew to sit down.

Victory, I feel.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:15, Reply)

I'm going to hell in a hand basket..
Who uses hand baskets these days anyway?
Maybe I'm going to hell in a lidl carrier bag.. That sounds nice. (smiley face)
(bangthedrum, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:12, 1 reply)

If heaven is full of Christians
I rather spend an eternity burning thank you very much.

There isn't either though so that's ok
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:11, 5 replies)

Sin and hell
are some of the more useless Christian concepts.
I've sinned and it wasn't what the advertising promised and I've been through hell, it's not that bad, you just have to grit your teeth and be grim.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 15:58, Reply)

Sean Connery is basically God isn't he
Once I deliberately wound him up by repatedly pretending I hadn't heard him.

"I said..."
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 15:31, 3 replies)

(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 15:10, 2 replies)

unfortunately my theological leanings, or lack thereof, make this QOTW impossible to answer
as the concept of 'hell' or indeed an afterlife is not one i choose to embrace.

i did once get SUNburned near hell's mouth in cornwall though.
also for the buddhists out there, i'm intending to get cremated and scattered on gwithian beach in cornwall when i cark it, so in a very tangible way, most of my mortal remains will, through the natural order of the food chain, result in me being 'reincarnated' if you will as some form of algal bloom, then some form of plankton, then some other slightly larger form of sea life, and eventuall,y probably into a bit of cod, which will be cooked, hopefully for slightly longer than is advisable, and then eaten, by a northern man in a flatcap outside a chip shop in the east riding of yorkshire.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 15:09, 6 replies)

Sheds burn well in hell.
Because they are made of wood. And rape shame.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 15:08, 2 replies)

I'm going to burn in hell for the amount of times I've got shedded.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 15:08, Reply)

My shed is a hand me down shed.
It was given to me by my father in law. The roof is fully felted but some of it was stolen from my daughters play house. There are two doors but I had to move the bolt three inches higher on one door in order to meet the receiver on the other and even then I have to lean on the shed in order to lock and unlock it. I put it up on breeze blocks but obviously not enough of them as the floor has gone through in the places where I step most. It is only 6'x8' but in there I have a wall mounted lcd panel and PC, a 72 bottle wine rack, all my wine making equipment, a chest freezer, Three bikes, a desk, tonnes of paint, all my tools, all the summer garden furniture that has still not been taken out, a rowing machine, weights, camping stuff and loads of crap that just gets shoved in there when we have no idea where to put it. In order to maximize space I have screwed bamboo canes across the roof so I can shove stuff up there and hang bags from the end of the canes. All that's left is a small square of floor just enough to stand in or set up the collapsible bar stool I have in there. Its my favourite room by far.
( Peej, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:55, 3 replies)

Seven deadly sins
Let's see:
Lust
Fidelity is not a friend of mine. Basically, if it's got a backbone, I'll do it.
Glutony
All the damn time. I used to be one of those annoying people who could eat all he liked and never got fat. When I hit 30, I got fat and I don't care.
Greed
In silly little ways, like when I serving dinner for me and the missus, I always make sure I get a larger serving.
Sloth
Well, I should be working right now.
Wrath
I've mostly calmed down now, but can be provoked into rediculous displays of rage - like that time I beat the shit out of a student I caught kicking the wingmirror off my car. I kicked him so hard, the missus thought I'd killed him.
Envy
I hate it that other people are doing better than me. Hate it. But worst of all is lottery winners, I can't read or hear about them without being so jealous I could spit.
Pride
Did I tell you I once project managed a number one selling mobile phone game? No? Well I've told every other fucker on the planet!
(ScousersPet, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:47, 3 replies)

I once went sunbathing on an unseasonably hot day in the East Riding of Yorkshire and rather overdid it.
Smashing view of the Humber bridge though.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:47, Reply)

I've got a shed in the garden.
It's a pretty nice shed, I keep gardening things in there.
Once there was a dead bird in it, that was kinda LOL!
I'd like a shed that was a transformer and turned into a supersonic bad guy blaster and we went on adventures together.
I think it'd be called shedulus.
I might start writing some shedformers fanfics.

MMPS and the case of the evil Allotment

"Come on shedulus!" exclaimed young mmps, "there's trouble! Those damn greenhouseicons are up to no good!" He watched as his B&Q shed transformed, with an alien grinding sound, into a giant robot.

"Okay chum, let's roll out!" Exclaimed his alien shed robot hybrid, holding out his hand for mmps to climb up. The young man couldn't help a little bit of jizz from coming out, shedulus always knew how to make him feel sexy.

"I love being in you," mmps whispered quietly.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:42, Reply)

I saw the two true faces of humanity.
As per the stereotype of a student I was, all academic work was left right to the last minute, and then only the minimum required for a pass done.

It was the day before submission, and I had treated the whole term with the contempt I thought it deserved. I went to the library, by now approaching a serious state of panic, and went to the bookshelves I needed. I found the book I needed, and flipped to the relevant pages, walking between the shelves back to my desk, reading the passage I'd found.

Someone had left the step in the middle of the floor, at the end of the shelves, and it was against this I stacked it fully, exploding into the main area in full cartoon-style, just as two pretty (of course) girls were approaching.

"OH!" gasped one in horror, at my fate.

"HAH!" laughed the other as I landed on my face.



No doubt the whole thing was my fault, for which I'll be going to hell, or something.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:41, Reply)

Faking injury
I went to join the Army, and was invited along for the test up at Sutton Coldfield. I sailed through the written stuff and looked set to join up.The only problem was the epiphany I had there - I was quartered with the biggest bunch of tossers I have ever met. People have since told me that I was unlucky, and they do not represent the majority of armed forces, but our selection group was all arseholes, wankers, shitcakes and scrotes, one of whom walked off with my Walkman, never to be seen again.

During the final part of the selection - the basic fitness test - I was doing OK on account of the marathons I was running at the time. Then, for reasons of spack-handed crapness, I took a tumble off the beams and twisted my back. Just a bit, but something in my head told me to stay down and stay injured. The Medical Officer saw me, he told me to take a few months out, get better and come back. I never did.

Sorry for wasting your time and money, British Army and lying about being badly injured. At least the US Air Force were nice enough to have me as a captain (another story, involves MILF porn for which I will also burn in Hell) instead. You may now send your white feathers.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:36, Reply)

Stealing Money & alcohol
I was 13 I stole money from my mum's purse and she caught me, bit of a low point. Although if i hadn't been caught I don't think i would have felt guilty at all.

Another one was stealing a bottle of whiskey from my Grandad's cupboard, jumping out the window and getting shit faced in town.

I must have been a right royal shit in those days.
(Shamelesspendant Better dead then smeg., Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:34, 1 reply)

My flat looks onto a graveyard...
I recently moved into a new flat, four storeys up and with a lovely view right over the local cemetary. Not the most picturesque panormama, but the rent's low.

Every other week the council workers start digging a new hole and a couple of days later, the ladyfriend and I are treated to a free funeral, sometimes with the musical accompanyment of a lone bagpiper.

We try not to grab the popcorn and rubberneck. However, this one time, long after the grave had been filled in, I leant out the window for a cheeky cigarette.

Off in the distance, I could see two tall bald men standing by a freshly lain wreath shaped into the word "Dad" and they seemed to be hugging a third person, either a young teenager or a very short woman, I couldn't tell. I wasn't sure whether they were comforting her, or restraining them... but it turned out to be the latter as the short one broke free and dived head first into the bunch of flowers.

The two bald guys grabbed her by the legs and started dragging her away, while she ripped up chunks of grass. She escaped their grasp again and fell to her knees, this time hammering at the ground with her fists. The men came to pick her up but she shook them off then began to try to dig up her recently buried loved one with her bare hands.

It was at that point I finished my smoke and returned to my work.

But I have to admit, I was giggling the whole time.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:29, 1 reply)

I'm currently insulating my shed.
I knocked out the walls, and it now has props holding the roof up.
The walls will be replaced by 10cm thick insulation board, which will also line the ceiling and floor.
When complete, it should keep toasty warm on body heat alone.
(speedevil, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:28, Reply)

I raped the shed Rory was raped in. Then raped his raper.

(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:17, Reply)

FFS, is this it? Is this what the once fabulous QOTW has become?
I'm off to my shed to methodically sort all my nuts, bolts and screws into the little plastic drawers I bought the other day. I then may sharpen the lawnmower blade with an oilstone.

See you all next Thursday
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:10, Reply)

https://twitter.com/50shedsofgrey
Alas not me.
(speedevil, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:07, 1 reply)

I raped Rory Lyon in a shed.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:04, 1 reply)

i will shed light on the reasons for my damnation later

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:04, Reply)

First post - sheds - I've got that over and done with?
The thing that makes me feel like I'll burn in hell and I still feel guilty about is a project I was part of years ago.

I saw it failing. And I saw it failing badly. I made a couple of noises to management and got a "don't worry about it" message back.

So I booked 5 weeks holiday in one go and hid abroad. By the time I got back to the UK the rest of the people on the project were fired for not doing their job properly and I kept mine.

Still makes me feel a bit sick and nervous to this day.
( rob, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 14:03, 4 replies)