I, like many others evidently, am not a big fan of these compulsory birthday rituals in offices.
Many years ago, I was working as a temp in some office somewhere doing a non-job. I was only there for a couple of months, and so when a birthday card came round, for someone in the office I had never met, I politely declined to sign it. The woman organising this gesture looked at me like I'd just suggested liquidising a newborn baby, and so I caved in and signed it with an empty platitude. She then left me with the card and instructions to pass it round the office. Of course I then wandered round the corner and gave it to the birthday boy to sign, ranting about how the whole thing is fucking stupid and I don't even know the guy.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 16:47, 71 replies)

At my previous place of work, the deal was that you bring in cakes etc. on your own Birthday.
Most people would just get a bunch mini doughnuts from Tesco, or whatever is quick and zero hassle. A few people would have home baked something the night before.

I brought in table cloths, a number of colossal pots of Cornish clotted cream, a couple of punnets of strawberries, 5 jars of Bonne Maman strawberry jam, a variety of freshly baked scones, and 6 bottles of some cheap fizz.

And thus shutdown the office for whole afternoon. They made some rules after that.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:05, closed)

Let me guess, you're an air traffic controller?

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:08, closed)

I'm still wondering why we need those guys.
A computer could probably do that job more cheaply with fewer mistakes.
(I'm the guy who would engineer that)
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:29, closed)

see also: GPs and solicitors

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:08, closed)

Yeah! Let's not have any detailed contracts for major transactions and let's not have any certainty on interpretation or what binds people to what they agreed to
Yeah!

You cheeky little spastic, you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 9:42, closed)

Anyone got any facepalm pics they want to post here?

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 27 Sep 2014, 9:49, closed)

You can keep the blinkers on if you like, but your profession is relatively mechanical and low skill even with today's level of automation.
www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/jun/15/robot-doctors-online-lawyers-automated-architects-future-professions-jobs-technology
(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 9:50, closed)

alright, Colonel Stuart?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 22:20, closed)

(I'm the guy who would engineer that)
That is precisely why we keep those guys.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 1:10, closed)

yeah ... but which of your zany Homer Simpson ties were you wearing with your short sleeved shirt

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:09, closed)

This one.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:28, closed)

YES!

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:36, closed)

were the rules about whether the jam or the cream went on first?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:10, closed)

Yes.
Clearly the cream goes first.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:11, closed)

*family fortunes noise* the cream goes in the bin
closely followed by the jam.

scones need butter. nothing else. just butter.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:32, closed)

But that wouldn't be a delicious Devonshire cream tea.
It would be the sort of thing commoners from up north might eat.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:37, closed)

they can't afford butter up north. they eat margarine.
(Wilton Mitrowserz, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:22, closed)

FUCK DEVON
a propur cream tea is jam then cream you heathen cunt.
'ansome
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 4:37, closed)

That's the fucking Cornish way method.
And those daft bastards don't even have any motorways.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:45, closed)

jesus love ... how much do you hate yourself?

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:37, closed)

hot scone with melted butter?
come on, who wouldn't eat the shit out of that??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:45, closed)

The issue isn't eating that.
The issue is preferring butter to clotted cream and jam.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:47, closed)

Butter AND jam AND cream. In that order. Followed by a defibrillator.
(Wilton Mitrowserz, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:25, closed)

A cheese scone with butter is the best. Stuff with fruit then a nice piece of Lancashire Tasty.
Cream and jam, they are for POOFS!
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:48, closed)

Well lube me up, I must be a poof.
Wait til I tell the Mrs. Mind=blown.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:51, closed)

Nice how you put yourself straight (pun intended) away into the role of submissive bottom.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:25, closed)

Yew shure do say the pwettiest things to a gal.
I'm sure I've seen '1st submissive bottom' as a technical credit after a film.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:39, closed)

Gay donkeys now is it?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 26 Sep 2014, 23:48, closed)

people who can afford jam

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 17:59, closed)

It's probably not even butter she's eating, but axle grease scraped from goods trucks stopped at the sidings
I imagine it's a bit Hunger Games over there.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:04, closed)

it'll be worse than that
it'll be low fat spread
(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:06, closed)

Hmmmm ...
Almost as lush as shapers cottage cheese on a snack-a-jack
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:10, closed)

Might as well eat polystyrene and reduce landfill while you're at it.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:36, closed)

With just a touch of hydrogenation catalyst to give it that buttery yellow.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:08, closed)

The colour is added (usually beta carotene)
Pure hydrogenated vegetable fat is white.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:27, closed)

^margarine expert

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:33, closed)

margarine expert went to school
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:37, closed)

and some people say secondary education has become a complete fucking joke

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:42, closed)

Shit, really?
I was hinting that leaving the Ni/SiO2 catalyst in place would have contributed to such metal decline as to subscribe to heretical beliefs w.r.t. scones.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:37, closed)

What metal decline?
Doesn't make any sense.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:51, closed)

Fuck, are you one of those butter-only freaks as well then?

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:58, closed)

Jam is gross
Fuck your glistening period fruits
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 20:57, closed)

Was the glistening period just after the golden age or something?

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:03, closed)

Jam is just fruit and sugar.
Fruit.
And sugar.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 10:06, closed)

Just for the avoidance of doubt
You are a massive fucking foodwrong. How you can be so picky when YHHPCCIYM is quite beyond me.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:58, closed)

To be fair, that is the penis equivalent of a dry scone with all the joy of jam and cream taken away

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 20:01, closed)

'Going Cornish' is where a mod lubes up a dog with clotted cream.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:08, closed)

And then
fucks his own sister through his mother's mouth.
(SlantedScience, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 23:30, closed)

As I discovered both at the time, and on this thread,
correct consumption of scones is serious business, and tempers will flare all round.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:02, closed)

cunt probably pronounces it "scone"

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:06, closed)

I think you'll find that's pronounced "scone".
( CharlesDexterWard no rush eh, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:55, closed)

scotch prick

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:58, closed)

Tha's Scone yer sassenach.
( CharlesDexterWard no rush eh, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:00, closed)

"scunt"?

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 18:58, closed)

Leaving
this here.
(spl00sh!, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:55, closed)

alright, Rob Fairholme, you drooping sack of snivels
when are you going to throw a big psycho wobble for us, you flabby cunt?
(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:58, closed)

ignore him hun u no he is just looking 4 a reaction

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 20:00, closed)

fnx babez

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 20:01, closed)

NaHCO₃ + HCl ---> NaCl + CO₂ + H₂O
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 20:03, closed)

^This made me lol.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:22, closed)

It's a laugh-a-minute in my lab.
By which I mean the crushing drudgery of inorganic synthesis.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:40, closed)

me wish done better at mixing stuff

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:42, closed)

I wish I'd gone for organic chemistry.
At least then I'd know how to make a meth lab.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 21:44, closed)

CuSO4*5H2O = CuSO4 + H2O

( PooPants, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 22:25, closed)

pubs.rsc.org/en/content/articlelanding/2014/dt/c4dt02205j#!divAbstract
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 22:41, closed)

google
( PooPants, Fri 26 Sep 2014, 23:38, closed)

lol 2 star mediocrity

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 28 Sep 2014, 11:33, closed)

That reaction is not balanced.
Should it be? I thought it should, but then inorganic chemistry is to organic as Bev-the-owld-boot-who-gets-leathered-every-weekend-in-the-nastiest-pub-in-Middlesborough-then-gets-off-with-a-sixteen-year-old-boy-who-is-drowning-in-testosterone-and-ends-up-getting-sharted-on-by-Bev-on-her-shagging-seat-next-to-the-fruit-machine is to a theoretical alien whose mega alien brain contains every bit of knowledge which has been known, is known, and will be known.
(SlantedScience, Sat 27 Sep 2014, 23:32, closed)

Alright Skagra

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sun 28 Sep 2014, 9:08, closed)

maybe you should have tried a bit harder at school then

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 28 Sep 2014, 11:39, closed)

Sounds about fucking right for Qld. No class.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 26 Sep 2014, 19:59, closed)