Several Things....
I suppose I was an adult when I did the Cunthorse Trick.

I always set all of the talking toys off in Toys r Us at the Same Time. (been launched from Early Learning Centre for that too)

Fart in my hand and cup it over my Boxer Pups Nose.

Glued a Drawing Pin to the Doorbell, pointy side sticking up. (didnt put shit on it so they get shit in their mouth too when putting said finger in mouth)

Leave Cold Callers listening to my Daughters Nursery Rhymes CD, (whilst i am getting 'paperwork'

Wrote "I LOVE TEH COCK IN MY ASS" in the dirt on the back of my mates car, then followed him home from a distance watching everyone laugh.

Once pinned a bag head to a wall with my Honda, but thats another story...

And several other things. I will never ever grow up.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Many years ago, the announcers at our local railway station
used to sit in an office overlooking a big staircase, down which I used to run to catch my train for work.

Mate of mine started waving to them, which was nice, especially when they waved back, but then I decided to pull a silly face instead, to make one laugh. This put him off so that he stammered the announcement - great fun!

Mate then upped the ante by making rude gestures, waving whatever random stuff he had in his pockets and finally pretending to get his cock out. This caused total confusion and bollocksing-up of the next announcement.

After a week or two of this, a thick net curtain suddenly appeared in the announcers' window, and it's there to this day.
I imagine the announcers are still there, bored stiff, wishing my mate'd get his knob out to relieve the tedium.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Granny?
2 years ago I printed out this picture, put it in a frame and placed it on a wall where a picture of my late grandmother used to be.

It took my family 2 weeks to notice it.
(snordfjord Cranky...like a crank!, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:44, 3 replies)

University piss-rocket shit munchers
At university in my last year I regressed to the mental age of an eight year old. For bonfire night we bought a couple of baguettes, hollowed them out and hand-launched rockets from our third story livingroom out to the street below.

Skip forwards another couple of hours and me and my housemates (six equally childish lads) decided to ban mobile phones from the room and lock ourselves in with copious amounts of alcohol - we had thought ahead and put a dustbin in the corner to piss into.

All well oiled, with a bin three quarters full of mixed man-wee, there comes a knock at the door and a couple of us go downstairs to see who it is. When we go back to the room, my best mate from Uni was attempting to nonchalantly read a book to disguise the fact that he'd dropped his guts directly into the fetid piss-barrel.

Ah...... fun times.
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:41, 2 replies)

I have a proper job
Today I was discussing the merits of work colleague’s new spectacles. I then told him that I was going to the opticians on Sunday followed by na na na naaa.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Ok, here's whats had me giggling like a loon all day...


Step 1.Choose your favourite love song, or any song about lurve for that matter.

Step 2. Look up the lyrics on t'interweb. Copy and paste into Word.

Step 3. Run a find&replace on the word 'love' and replace with the word 'knob'.

Step 4. Die laughing like a 9-yr old.

Optional step 5. Post the results here so we can all appreciate your artistry!

Try it. You will like it.

My fave so far is 'Is this love' by Whitesnake.....

I should have known better
Than to let you go alone
It's times like these
I can't make it on my own
Wasted days, and sleepless nights
An' I can't wait to see you again

I find I spend my rime
Waiting on your call
How can I tell you, babe
My back's against the wall
I need you by my side
To tell me it's alright
Cos I don't think I can take anymore

Is this knob that I'm feeling
Is this the knob that I've been searching for
Is this knob or am I dreaming
This must be knob
Cos it's really go a hold on me
A hold on me

I can't stop the feeling
I've been this way before
But, with you I've found the key
To open any door
I can feel my knob for you
Growing stronger day by day
An' I can't wait too see you again
So I can hold you in my arms


Is this knob that I'm feeling
Is this the knob that I've been searching for
Is this knob or am I dreaming
This must be knob
Cos it's really got a hold on me
A hold on me

Is this knob that I'm feeling
Is this the knob that I've been searching for

Is this knob or am I dreaming
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:26, 33 replies)

Lying in the long grass
... in the park with my then married love interest, admiring the birds and bees and groping each other like teenagers, we were hidden behind a hedge next to a well trodden path.
Every time dog walkers and their hounds or families with children or couples having a romantic stroll would pass by on the other side of the hedge, we would stop our Carry On style giggling and goosing and wait until they passed by, as neither of us really wanted to be heard in the throes of passion, as it were. And the walkers often stopped to listen and express disgust at our obvious noises - though surely if they were that disgusted you would think they wouldn't stop to take notice.

My fella got fed up with the interruptions eventually, and decided to shame the walkers into moving on.

The next couple of voices we heard from the other side of the hedge - a couple of well to do ladies by the sound of it - heard us giggling and paused to listen, so my beau grabbed my rucksack and loudly and deliberately unzipped it - "Ziiiiiiiiiiipp !"
Then he uttered the cliched and immortal words in his best Kenneth Williams voice, "Oooooh, Matron !"

It sounded exactly like a trouser fly zip, and there was an audible gasp of and an outraged tut of "Really !" from the other side of the hedge.

I laughed so hard a little bit of wee wee came out.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Not me, but my dad ....
.. my mum had joined a company and very quickly got a couple of (deserved) promotions.

Her boss and his wife were coming to dinner .... they arrived early, and my dad was still in the bath ... our house had a through lounge/dining room with the stairs off one side with an upper landing with rooms off the other 3 walls. Upshot being the bathroom was near enough directly above a part of the lounge.

Mum's handing out the g&ts, doing the full Hyacinth Bucket bit.

Then there was a (very) loud noise of an underwater bath-fart, followed by my dad shouting 'TORPEDO LOS!'

That was probably 30 years ago, and it still reduces my brother and me to tears every time we remember it ...
(Captain Dispensible, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 14:41, 1 reply)

Drunken trampolining at 21
Not me really, but everyone else present at my 21st birthday party, there was about 6 or 7 of us. We were at my then student digs in canterbury, which as it happened had a very large trampoline in the back garden left behind by a previous owner before the landlord bought the house. Anway, as time progressed, with us all getting increasingly drunk, suddenly spotted this marvel out the back and suddenly everyone's inner child took over and decided we were all olympic trampoliners (except for me unfortunately as i was paralytic at that point, and had also done my back in falling all the way down the stairs in a painful manner on my arse) but i managed to haul ass out there and watched the whole thing, and was surpised everyone (eventually) got out of there with all their bones and limbs intact.
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 14:39, Reply)

The most childish thing you've done as an adult
I'm sure they were Definitely children.

Paul Gadd
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 14:33, 1 reply)

Teddy
My two-year old grand-daughter somehow slipped her teddy into my suitcase before my business trip.

I've been sleeping with him all week. I forgot to hide him back in my suitcase yesterday, and the maid propped him up in the center of the bed.

God knows what they think of me now.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 14:29, 2 replies)

Whenever two or three are gathered...
Not me. Jon was training to be a local preacher. (Methodist church unordained person who takes services) He was doing the sermon. He went up to the front during the last verse of a hymn and as the congregation sat down Mike said "Flop it out on the lectern."
Length? About 20 minutes.
(jvz, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 14:06, Reply)

Supermarket fun.
Simple and as old as the hills, but tucking big packs of condoms/lubricant/haemorrhoid cream under stranger's shopping in the supermarket.

Bonus points if you get to see their reaction at the checkout, never fails to fill my stupid little face with a grin.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 13:42, 2 replies)

Run Luke Run!
Still, to this day, to pass the time while at work or sitting on the bog, I practice using The Force. I try move stuff - anything, pens, bog roll, choke my boss. I'm 35.

one day.... one day...

I've just realised, the majority of this board who are employed are IT twats like me and i'm guessing this had probably been posted before. lots. and with more hummous. balls.
(TheManofScience, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 13:38, 1 reply)

One boyfriend had sex with twins who looked like a presenter of The One Show on his 18th birthday.
I suppose you could say he those were two Childish things he'd done as an adult.

Hey, I'm no Pooflake or Spanky. I can't pull out the long puns. Now eat yer tatties and be grateful for half a room over ye head.
(stimpy, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 13:38, 3 replies)

Bad timing (I hope)
Was getting it on with a fiesty young lady once when she turned to me and said: "God, you're immature!"

Can't remember what I was doing at the time. But I do remember she said this at the EXACT SAME MOMENT I removed my pants and showed her my little throbbing soldier, standing to attention and eger for some porky pot holing action.

I recall looking down at my cock and wondering if I'm packing the sort of equipment that wouldn't look out of place on a twelve year old boy.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 13:36, 2 replies)

Orkney Signage
For those of you who have ever been to Orkney (I used to live there) you will no doubt have heard of a town called Twatt. For obvious reasons the town has become quite popular among tourists and the like, and many insist on getting their pictures taken next to it.

What has become increasingly popular however, is to take the sign home as a souvenier. Or in other words, steal it. According to this article (about halfway down the page) each sign costs about £600 to replace which has apparently been quite irritating for the local council.

www.orcadian.co.uk/archive/2006/archive50.htm

So if you ever go to Orkney, do your part and steal a sign!

Here is a random picture I found on Google. It still makes me chuckle every time I see it...


( Fat Fred too weird to live, too rare to die, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 13:04, 6 replies)

This one's been done over the last few days
At work, we have a portable air conditioner as the company is too sodding stingy to install the proper stuff. It's got a long exhaust hose at the back that can be squeezed down to make it smaller when in storage, making it look like a flaccid elephants cock.

I've taken to standing behind a well known giggler in the office when they're on the phone, holding it at groin level where my cock would be if I actually had one. She's started shielding her eyes so she can't see me holding it there. When I judge a suitable point in the conversation has been reached.... "BLOOOOOP" I shake the tube and it flops down to the floor, causing instantaeous laughter, slamming of phones and several minutes of abuse.
(stimpy, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:47, Reply)

The Present War
Me and my friend Alex (who has made other occasional appearences here) are currently engaged in an escalating present war. It began a few years ago when I gave him a birthday present wrapped in a bit too much sticky tape. He responded by wrapping my next present in yards of duct tape and Aldi catalogues until it looked like a brick of Cocaine.

I, of course, wasn't about to take this lying down. I constructed a wooden box held together with screws, the heads of which I filled with solder to make it extra hard to open.

(It was around this time, by the way, that we devised the 'standard tools' - the only objects you are allowed to use to open your present. They consist of a small hammer, a swiss army knife and a pair of scissors).

Due to him being very ill the next year, he didn't get me a present. I kept up the tradition, though, in a particularly devious way. I acquired a very large scale map of the village where I live (about six miles from his house) and marked off fifty points on it. Eight of the points corresponded to trees with numbers carved into them. He had to start at number one to find the next number, and so on. From memory the sequence was 1,7,23,28,34,35,38,42. He was led to believe his present was buried at the final tree. (This route, of course, involved a certain amount of doubling back. He walked past tree 38 four times without seeing the number I had put on the other side) Tree 42 was in a cemetary and was engraved with the word "MUGGED". When he turned up at my house some four hours after he started, I simply handed over his present.

He decided to go for simple but effective last year. He got a friend of his to weld my present inside a steel cube. Have you ever tried to open a mild steel cube with a hammer? It's bloody impossible. Still, I tried for three weeks before giving in and getting out the cutting discs. Inside I found some stones and a block of wood.

This year I intend to encase his present (a CD entitled "Non-stop Ceildh dance party" in concrete re-inforced with layers of wire mesh. Let's see him get into that in a hurry...
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:42, 2 replies)

Cockthirsty!
Inspired by this, I like to slip the word "cockthirsty" into important presentations, lectures and speeches. For instance: "Users are often batted around sites like a shuttlecock. Thirsty for information, they etc, etc, etc."
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Myself and a colleague
are involving ourselves in projects way above our normal level of duties. For me, because I'm bored with work; for him it's because he's desperate to make a name for himself and get noticed by higher management.

We knocked out a little proposal for some changes to be made - it was quite professional looking actually. But through all the revisions and the collaboration we'd littered it with jokes, mainly 'your mum' jokes. Example: "This revised process is likely to be much more accessible to less experienced members of staff. Your mum is accessible". Simple, yet funny and it kept morale high at 3am when the wine had run out.

He was the guy we'd decided was going to do all the final checks, strip the jokes out and all the notes to ourselves and then email it off to head honcho, the man that matters. I knew full well this would be done at 9am.

At 9.30am, I logged into my gmail account, and set it up to post mail from my hotmail account. I then made the following simple change: "Display name" became [email protected]. Finally, I sent perhaps the shortest email I have ever sented, to my very-chuffed-at-handing-it-in colleague:

"Ross - Why on earth did you insult my family? I think we need to have a chat"

Looking over his shoulder, there was an unexpected bonus - it had picked the company name up (even though the email address was mine!) and thrust it straight into his Work Email folder, where it was bound to be hurriedly opened.

I have never seen the colour drain from someone's face so quickly. I laughed so hard a little bit of wee escaped.
(pillockmcfly only signed up to do one QOTW, and then forgot., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:14, Reply)

You Lot Don't Deserve This
'Cos you're mainly a nice bunch. So those with wisdom stop reading now or this can fuck your life up....


OK. You were warned.

Me and few of my mates play Old People all of the time. We can't help it. Once you start you really can't stop. The way it works is, when you're having a conversation - or even listening to someone else's conversation - you repeat the last word or couple of words they say and add on...

"Yessssssssss......"

Example.

"The political situation between Somalia and Ethiopia in the Ogaden is just intolerable"

"Intolerable.... yesssss"

It helps if you nod sagely.

Again, it drives people bonkers after a few minutes.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:13, 4 replies)

The next train to arrive...
Part of my job used to involve making a few station announcements that weren't on the automated system. Press the button, wait a few seconds for the bongs and then start announcing the train. One day I got to the office early. My colleague pressed the button. I said one word. "Fart" as the bongs were transmitted and then sat there giggling as she spluttered her way through stations to Nottingham. Some most unladylike language was aimed in my direction followed by a slap.
(jvz, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:09, Reply)

Anyone spotted this on BBC yet?
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_east/8270460.stm

Council tries to rename spotted dic after immature comment.
( schizophrenic_sheep, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:09, 3 replies)

Post 600
I've just run down the garden and back with a tea-towel cape in order to be story #600.

Edit: The homepage did say "Read all 599 stories" and then I posted this, but it seems not to update automatically, thus making me look a tool.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:05, Reply)

You know those people in pubs clubs bars etc that sit down and spread their shit all over the table?
By shit I mean all the stuff in their pockets; wallet, change, fags, car keys and mobile.

Well, when they arn't looking I'll set calandar entrys and clock alarms for stupid times in the morning.

Not because I'm a big child but becuase i'm a cunt.
(Tibble off the crack since, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:01, Reply)

well.....
I rubbed my sweaty nutsack on the mouthpiece of a assistant production managers phone once.

Myself and my work pal became almost epileptic laughing when she strolled into work and answered the phone.

For anyone morally concerned by my actions, the manager in question was a proper jobsworth that had a habit of dropping people in the shite on a regular basis
(Cov Boy, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:00, Reply)

Inspired by this weeks tales
I woke my son with a fart to the head.
It sounded a bit wet so I legged it sharpish.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:00, Reply)

toilet humour
In polite company, I like to excuse myself by saying: "I'm just going to powder my nose," and then adding, after a second or two: "I'll probably take a dump as well."
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 11:44, 1 reply)

By Bike was nicked from the train station...
... last wednesday. It was my third Raleigh Grifter. I had to go to Southampton by train to get it and it cost the better part of £100 before the inflated fare. I loved that bike, I used to take it to the woods and run it down the steepest hills and do ALL the jumps and the kids at the rugby club thought it was well cool and... and... sniff :0(

I'm buying a new one and this time I'm fitting a modded Taser Lock (Soldering Iron + Evil Revenge filled Brain = Ha Ha Fucking Ha!!!)
(hengushrh is found at the Dole office every second thursday, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 11:33, 10 replies)