We were looking for a new flat
and four of us had a viewing one afternoon. We couldn't really ask for anything better; £250pppm, new carpets and paint, just off the city centre, nice big rooms. We decided to take it after a bit of discussion, but unfortunately they had just shown another group of people around and so we had to act fast. I gathered the money off of everyone and legged it to the nearest taxi rank. Nothing. I ran as fast as I could through town with not one goddamn taxi anywhere, and made it to the letting agent out of breath and sweating, but victorious! The flat was ours!

Anyway, as I was walking out of the office, one of the people from the other group came round the corner, spotted me and groaned. "Ah, you got it, didn't you?" he asked dejectedly. I thought I should lighten the mood, and so - and don't ask me why I thought this was a good idea, because I just don't know why - I started laughing. Like a pirate. One eye scrunched, plenty of thigh-slapping and "AAAAAAArrr har-har har har!"-ing, and laughed louder and louder for a good thirty seconds while he stood there in silence. When I finally stopped, the idiocy suddenly hit me and I mumbled "well, I hope you find somewhere" and left.

Why, why did I do it?
( Doctor Fruitbat wishes fruitbats could really be doctors, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 19:09, 9 replies)

Does 18 count as an adult here?
Earlier today, me and a friend managed to turn up about 15 minutes early for a lesson in video editing. On the door to the editing suite was a nicly sized blob of blu-tack, so naturally i fassioned a beutiffull cock and balls, complete with pubes made from real beard hair, and a little bit of pre-cum made from part of my time table. This delightfull blue penis was still on the door when we left at 5 o'clock.

The most childish part was how we laughed like little girls when our tutor opened the door without noticing the hairy cock and balls stairing him in the eye.

Not that amazing i know, but i've only been an adult for a month!
(The_Crund, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 19:08, Reply)

Pffft so many, so often
But my latest was last week when I looked after a class of nursery school children, aged 3 - 6.
They were given a task of cutting out pictures from a supermarket's pull-out ad and to stick them to a board.
The group I was looking after had to cut out pictures of toiletries.
When they'd finished I asked them what each item was. They hesitated on the ladies santary owls with wings and look to me for guidance.
"Jam Rags" I said. They all nodded and carried on.
Naively I didn't realise they would actually remember that but didn't think it mattered as English wasn't their first language and we weren't speaking English anyway.

To my horror the teacher then asked each team of children to give her their boards and tell the whole class what each item was.

They all remembered, blurted out "JAM RAGS". I was told off and had to say "Sorry, Miss. Won't do it again, Miss".

I heard my aunt mutter under her breath "I knew asking Flowerpot to help was a bad idea". After she stopped giggling of course.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:54, Reply)

Open Flaps
Some years ago there was a prestigious ladies golf tournament being held at the Woburn golf course, which was only about a mile away from where I lived at the time.

About a week before it all started, the yellow AA roadsigns appeared all round the area, directing traffic to the "British Womens Open". Me and a mate went round one evening with a large black marker pen and added the word "flaps" to the end of all the signs.

They remained there for the duration of the tournament.
(Lionel Tiger, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:40, 1 reply)

Yorkshire Terrier Vs. Electrical tape
I live two doors down from a family that are not the family from hell, but just plain annoying. The main thing that used to irritsate the fuck out of me was their Yorkshire Terrier which they used to leave outside to bark at every waking moment, be it 1pm or 1am; it was horrible.

I decided to take matters into my own hands one late evening when it was left in thier back garden..... Opening their gate, i coaxed it to me with biscuits, picked it up and ran to an empty garage where me and a helping hand taped its mouth shut with electrical tape and painted "Shut the fuck up" on it's white fur with red garage door paint. I then politely placed it back into their garden. The dog has never appeared since.
(Colostomy Bag Explosion Lubing the gears of commercialism, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:35, 11 replies)

Accounting is fun...
I'm a grown up (nearly 30) and training to be an accountant. I am unable to hear the accounting phrases 'double entry' or 'penetration' without giggling. And people saving their analysis files as 'anal.' isn't much better.....

I need a new career....
(kubes, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:33, 8 replies)

I still do this
Have a jobby when working on site, then tell my co-worker, with the stoniest face I can muster, that he has to come and give me a second opinion on something, then revealing the monster.

In a similar vein - taking a quick snapshot of any huge poos, then asking my colleagues if they want to see a dirty picture. Works every time.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:32, 1 reply)

tenpin trolleys
for reasons i wont bore you with i have gone from having a rather nice car to being the proud owner of a clapped out ex GPO van. it is a truly spiteful conveyance. the child seat is proabably worth more than the van itself so i dont tend to worry about the paintwork that much.

there is a huge retail site near me with an enormous car park. so huge it is generally less than half full. the car park is always littered with abandonded trolleys...

those fuckers fair bounce off my van i'll tell ya! i've taken to awarding myself 60 points for shunting one into that little perspex hut the Trolleymong™ herds them into.

the pleasure of heading straight for a group of 4 or 5 trolleys and smashing through them is often the highpoint of my week.

mrs spimf shouts at me but my 3 year old thinks i'm a pirate.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:32, 7 replies)

Walking up to automatic doors
and waving my hand in front of me Jedi-like just before they open never fails to amuse*.



*Myself, mostly.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:32, 9 replies)

Definitely
This
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:23, 7 replies)

As others are roasting peas, I shall do the same.
I think my sons were about eight and nine at the time. I'm not sure why I didn't have my daughter with me, but for some reason it was just the boys and I that day. We had season passes, so we went up to Paramount's Kings Dominion for the day. (This place.)

We got there and rode a few roller coasters and such and were generally having fun, when I spotted what appeared to be Lieutenant Warf standing to one side in full uniform. I stared for a moment and he smiled and boomed "Would you like a picture with me?" in a basso profundo voice.

I approached, goggle-eyed boys in tow. "Well, normally yes, but I don't have a camera with me." I inspected him closely and lowered my voice. "Damn but they did an incredible job on the costume! Your makeup is fantastic!"

He grinned, and at that moment a pair of Romulans, one male and one female, approached from behind my sons. The male put a hand on each boy's shoulder, causing them to turn and squeak in shock. I grinned and said, "Come now, boys, show the Romulan captain some respect."

The Romulan smiled faintly. "It's Commander, but thank you... I have to ask, why doesn't your government want to talk to me? Don't they realize that I have five quantum torpedoes pointed at this planet at every moment? At any time I could put in an order and render the surface uninhabitable-"

I interrupted his speech. "Whoa, Commander. Hang on. You want to know what the problem is here? You're not happy enough."

Silence.

"Come, I'll teach you to be happy!" And I began singing the "Happy Happy Joy Joy" song from Ren & Stimpy and dancing.

The twenty year old kid in his costume looked like he was having a bad acid flashback, the girl kinda backed up like she thought I was going to get violent, and the Klingon was trying very hard to choke back the giggles. The boys utterly cracked up as their father danced around a circle, pretending to butt-bump an invisible partner.

After a thorough blue-screening, the Romulan spluttered, "Stop! Now! Go away! You're evil!" and stalked off, leaving the Klingon with tears running down his face as he struggled to regain composure.

We had a great time on the roller coasters, but it was kind of anticlimactic after that.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:22, 2 replies)

At a family do not long back
The Proclaimers I'm Gonna Be (500 miles) came on. During the 'baddamba' call and respond that the crazy scottish duo do, just after the chorus, my brother and I decided to shout 'BELLENDER!' much to the delight of my extended family, who simply thought we were loving the choice of song. They still comment on how much we love the song now the daft fools.
(ProfessorNoShoes wishes he was better at Photoshop, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:17, Reply)

Also,
I know it's been done a bazillion times, and I know it stopped being funny to most people years ago, but me and a friend are actively planning to stencil "Hammer Time" on some local stop signs one saturday.

In this part of rural scotland, it'll amount to the largest terror attack in a generation.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:13, 8 replies)

I am physically incapable
of singing along with the Limp Bizkit Song "Rollin'"

I am actually psychologically compelled to sing "Holy Moly" instead, while attempting and failing not to collapse in tears of laughter.

Another one I owe my cousin.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:08, 3 replies)

Too many to list but the most recent...
A work colleague recently got promoted, and with his shiny new job came the perk of a shiny new office all to himself. Now said colleague is not the neatest person you'll ever meet. In fact it would be fair to say his desk resembles your average 14 year old boys' bedroom...minus the dirty clothes, and pornography...that said, I'm sure if you looked under one of the stacks of paperwork you'd probably find examples of both.

Anyway, I digress. He spent an entire day moving the 'stuff' from his old desk into his new office. Neatly placing files on shelves, paperwork in trays, pens in pots. He even dusted his computer keyboard. Then, hometime comes around, and looking mighty pleased with his days work moving home says " 'Night all. I won't see you tomorrow, as I've got a long weekend. See you Monday!"

Excellent! I think to myself...The next day we spent the morning moving EVERYTHING out of his new office and back into piles on his old desk. To the untrained eye, you wouldn't know the difference.

I know that revenge for this is coming one day, but it was worth it for the look on his face first thing on a Monday morning.
(Ceasar Flunk can see your house from here, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:07, Reply)

Shopping trolley bowling.
When returning a shopping trolley to the ...erm, shopping trolley queue thing... I could be an adult about it and carefully make sure the trolley is neatly slotted into its predecessor.

Or I could take a run up from across the carpark and launch it from about twenty feet away. Guess which I prefer?

(THEN I make sure its neatly slotted away... I'm not a yob after all)
(Big D, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:05, 2 replies)

too many...
- drawing cock and balls on my friends dirty cars, in places that they don't notice when first getting into the car.
- my brother and I do 'mystery farter' in various posh shops
- I have a blonde afro wig that used to be in the car (obviously from a fancy dress party) that I used to put on in slow moving traffic, and then remove quickly, as if nothing had happened.
- throw banana skins at random objects from a moving car, and see if they are there on the return journey. Best one so far was a speed camera, and it stayed there for 3 weeks.
- I once put a lawnmower in my car and drove a 60 mile round-trip to mow a 40 foot cock and balls in a friends front lawn whilst he was on holiday.
- I do work in some very posh houses, including some celebrities. I have left a floater (even when I didn't need to go) in most of them.
I am 37 and three quarters, my brother is 43 and a quarter.
(tomatoit, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:02, Reply)

Also
I was chastised by the barmaid at my local a fortnight ago for absent mindedly scrawling a cock-and-balls into the spillage on the bar. I suspect my cover as the phantom saturday night cock-drawer has been blown.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:58, Reply)

difficult to describe this, so bear with me.
Clapper boards are used by film crews to identify each shot filmed (scene one take one, *clap* etc) they are usually made of translucent acrylic and have the cameraman and directors names printed on them.
for example

if you write 'is gay' in mirror writing on the back, after the directors name, and the clapperloader shines a torch through the board at the start of filming, you can get him into a LOT of trouble.

:)
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:57, 1 reply)

You want me to pick one?
The latest one I remember was saturday. Upon returning to my table at the party I was at with a round of refreshing beverages, I found my friend challenging everyone to snort their drinks through a straw.

I quickly accepted, pushed the straw up my nose, inserted the other end into his drink and blew the contents of my lungs down into the glass.

How we all laughed as he moped off to the bar for a replacement......
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:56, Reply)

and another pea
Fri 25 Nov 2005,

Floodlit Shit

Before anyone complains it was mrs spimf who suggested i post this

A few years back when mrs spimf and i were courting, as old people like to call it, we had a nice wee drive up the coast from Dundee where i was at art school - marvellous course - utter arsehole of a town, i wont bother apologising to readers from Dundee because there is no such thing.

Anyway, we ended up at broughty ferry where we had a lovely day and decided to park on the seafront and watch the sunset. We found a gravel car park that basically meandered onto the sandy shore with no discernable boundary NB this is not a tide / car sinking tale.

I had a wee joint and got into that warm cosy, cant be arsed mode just as mrs spimf decided to wreak the moment with her now familiar plaintiff mumble - 'I need to go for a wee'.

I had a quick glance around and saw there were 5 or 6 cars dotted around the car park behind us probably filled with likeminded couples, by now it was also proper dark so I suggested to mrs spimf she go 'al fresco'. mrs spimf reluctantly whispered that it was 'not just a wee she needed'. I saw no real issue with this and said so - after she calmed down and smoothed her feathers she eventually agreed, but only on the basis i watch out for her - in case 'something happened' so we agreed she would go in front of the car in the dark and i would watch out for her 'safety' but not 'look' at her. i still dont understand that.

So there she is squatting down in front of the car carefully out of view of the other people parked further back.

It took a few seconds for me to rouse from my cannabis-induced stupor and realise the potential of the situation. I didnt drive at that time, it was mrs spimf's car. but I quickly jumped into the drivers seat reversed back a few yards, while turning left, then flooded the crouching, shouting and gesticulating mrs spimf with the full beam for all to see.

She wasn’t happy.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:56, 1 reply)

i do lots of childish things
but the most childish thng i've done that got me into trouble,
was scratching out the 's' on my stapler at work,
that i keep on my desk in an open-plan office full of women.

it's made by rapesco
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:49, 2 replies)

Last summer
Me and my friends made a trebuchet in my garden (we have a nice big field that doubles rather well as a target range). That's not really childish, just geeky.

What was childish was sending Dave to clear up the water balloons we'd been throwing while it was armed. To reassure him we stood well away so that there was no way we could set it off.

Well, there would have been no way if we hadn't:
Extended the firing cord
Tied it around someones leg.

A quick jerk of the leg later, and a water balloon arcs its way over to Dave, who was now standing in the dead centre of where the balloons had been falling all day.

Got him right on the arse. He never quite trusted us again after that
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:48, Reply)

I still love blowing bubbles
in my fizzy drinks through a straw
(xerophytic has no idea, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:44, Reply)

Vomit Electricals
I once worked for an electrical retail company who I shall refer to as Vomit. It was an ok job and I got on with most of the people there but there was one person that I found utterly annoying, the main problem being that he reminded me of myself. We liked the same films, music and we both played the guitar. We should have become best friends but instead I found the way he would always try and talk to me about bands he knew I liked really annoying.

I started off by doing things like throwing his lunch away which he’d always leave in the fridge in the staffroom but as he annoyed me more my immature acts became bigger. One time he bought a new and rather expensive pair of trainers and after changing into his work shoes and leaving them in the changing rooms I super glued them to the ceiling. He was unable to tear them off and two years later the soles were still firmly stuck. Another time he rode his new bike in to work so I glued the lock, he had to walk home and leave it and by the next day both wheels and the saddle had been stolen.

This went on for the two years I worked there and just before I left for another job I removed his sandwich from the fridge and fucked it, I still remember watching him eat it that lunch time. Now I am hugely embarrassed by my actions and have run into the person in question a couple of times and have gone out of my way to stop and chat to him.... although he’s still fucking annoying and if I still worked with him I’m not sure I wouldn’t do the same again.

I have never had any trouble with any of my work colleagues since and have never once left my lunch in the fridge at work as I for one am very aware what might happen to it.
(Sub-Lingual Hates You, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:37, 9 replies)

My housemates prank each other every so often
The usual cling-film toilets and that kind of thing.

I have a plan to *really* prank one of them.

I've signed him up to Scientology.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:36, 1 reply)

Oh god where to start...
Being part of a convoy of cars delivering a building sites worth of traffic cones to a mates garden in the middle of the night spelling a rude message on the lawn with them and holding a shopping trolley out of the side of a Suzuki Super Carry at 40 mph then on command releasing the road borne missile down a driveway.

Breaking into a mate's garage one midnight whilst a gale force wind blew and managing to place his sailing boat on top of his car... with the mast up.

Turning a bench across the flow of Christmas shoppers one late night shopping and sitting on it with a newspaper held up in front of our faces with two little circles cut out for eyes staring at kids so that they ask their parents who we are...

Being involved in detonating home made TNT substitute (many moons ago to any CIA monitoring this)

Using fireworks as shoulder mounted rockets

And so on so forth......
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:34, Reply)

complete accident
honest
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:25, 2 replies)

Bemused at Blackpool Pleasure Beach
A couple of years ago me and my sister, brother in law and nephew went for the annual trip to blackpool. Having been on the handful of "better" rides, it was a case of just bumbling around before the time came to get food and go home.
As my sister went on a ride that we couldn't be bothered going on, we stood on the walkway's overlooking the water with the little round motor dingy's. Then on the concrete slope coming out from the water, we spotted it. A lone frog (or possibly a toad, but we didn't give a shit which) was RIGHT UNDERNEATH where we stood about 10 meter's below.

SPITTING CONTEST !!!

I swear, 20 minutes at least must have past as we all golly'ed away, not a care in the world to the families who were walking past behind us.
It was the best thing we did all day, and we still had a laugh about it to this day, I was about 29, my bro in law and nephew were probably about 40 and 14.

ah yeah, I got a good mouthful of greb right on the frogs back, thought I might have cut the fucker in half, it made such a loud thud.
(Stro, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:20, Reply)

Anti-Poppins
For some strange reason I'm popular with the children of my friends. For some even stranger reason, my friends are cool with this. They ask me to babysit, they invite me to sleepovers, they don't complain when I teach their children swear-words or fall asleep on the floor with my head on the dog while I'm supposed to be supervising.
This is not without benefits, such as access to Sky and free takeaway when I babysit, an excuse to go and see Coraline or Bolt 3-D without looking like a prat, and so on.

Anyway, one day, we'd all been to a pantomime, and I decided to descend the stairs by sliding down the banister ('Vicar in a Tutu' playing in my head as I did so). Not a big deal, not particularly adventurous, I just felt like it. The kids, however, were hysterical. They thought it was hilarious. One of them, Lily, has a particular fear of authority and of rule-breaking, so she was amused, but also a bit nervous. I said, "Oh Lil, it's fine. What are they gonna do? Shout at me? Look, I'll do it again. I don't care." (I was a nerd in school, so it is with these 8-11 year olds that I am finally able to appear cool and rebellious, for once in my life.)

So off I went again, sliding down the bannister and shouting "Wheeee!" as I went. The kids were off, "Again Roota, again!" "This is simple", I thought, "Simple and a lot of fun..." so I kept on doing it. So fast at one point that I scorched my Mackintosh. Oh yes. (The mark is still there on my cheap polyester primark mack.) Eventually I grew tired of this and told them that was enough.

Suddenly, Lily, (the one who is always good, and has such a fear of getting into trouble that she even checks for double-yellows when her mother has parked the car) thought it would be funny to PRETEND that she too was about to slide down the bannisters. She clearly had no intentions of actually letting go and descending the stairs in such a break with convention and flagrant disrespect for general order. No. She merely sat on the bannister, took ONE foot off the floor and said "Wheeeee!" She then promptly put her foot back down and began to walk away.

At this very moment, a theatre employee came along. A very officious woman with an A-line skirt and cankles that demanded our deference.She sees little Lily, just leaving her 'slide-down-the-bannisters' pose. "What do you think you're doing, young lady? I hope you're not going to slide down that. You might injure yourself or somebody else on the stairs!" Lily is crest-fallen. How could somebody accuse her of such a thing? She'd never do anything like that. In fact the only person who'd do something like that is her deranged Aunty Roota, who is surely going to bail her out, and maybe even confess, in order to divert this negative attention from this uber-usherette. Surely?

Nope. I gave a calm smile, patted Lily's head, looked at Cankles and said (not very convincingly) "I'm sure she wouldn't reeeeallly have done that..."
Lily did not grass me up, and got a telling off in the bargain. I felt terrible. "What if she burst out crying?? What if she cries all the way to her mum and tells her what a complete piglet I've been? What if I get my arse kicked by all of the parents??" It was my turn to panic.

Until I looked down at Lily, who gave me a big, beaming grin and proudly declared "She thinks I'm naughty!" I returned the grin and said "Yeah, and she thinks I'M a responsible adult!"
Lily's 11 now, and she's brilliant. I hope we stay mates and that one day when she's a grown-up we can go out, get drunk and slide down bannisters together.


Length? Long, and made of polished brass.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:19, Reply)