Poo etiquette
My fishing team had a question/answer session earlier on in the year that was run by a member of the lake management.
Everyone was asking questions about fishing conditions, water conditions etc.
I asked what the etiquette was when it came to doing a poo in the porta potties they have scattered around the lake. Do you use lashings of toilet paper on the seat, or hover delicately and hope you don't curl one out on the seat. I still giggle when I remember the look on everyones faces before they cracked up laughing.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:22, 2 replies)

I can't help myself...
Everytime I stop at Fleet services and walk over the footbridge gantry I always have to stop halfway across and flash my norks to everyone on the M3...

After 5 years I thought it would get a bit dull but it appears not.
(Senora Veranos cannot and will not so ner..., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:21, 8 replies)

I proposed on a big bunny rabbit
Ok, there's more to it than that. My now-fiancee had seen a picture of this on the internet. It's here, in a tiny village in Italy. And I thought, we're never going to take an entire day to visit a giant pink bunny rabbit hundreds of miles from our home ever again, and it's precisely this kind of crazy that I've been looking for all my life. I'm going to keep this one, and I'm going to ask her when we see the rabbit.

We were staying in a chalet in France, about an hour from Geneva. We drove to the rabbit. This took about 5 hours, and about Eu50 in tolls, and would take the same on the way back. Then we saw what Google Maps (at the time) couldn't show you. The pleasant field that the rabbit appeared to be situated in was less flat than we imagined. In fact, it was at the top of a ski slope.

By this time it was about 5pm, and the sun was dipping below the mountain peaks around us. So we set out to climb the mountain to look at the big bunny rabbit. It took us an hour and a half to get to the top, which made me wonder how anyone learned to ski before the ski-lift. And, as we were arriving about three years after it had been made, we saw this (edit - link changed, this is the blog I stole the image from).

We'd spent the best part of £150 on fuel and tolls, 2-3 hours up and down a mountain, 10 hours in the car and a day out of our holiday, to see a big lumpy grey thing.

Still, we're getting married in March, and so it wasn't all in vain. And it's the only time I've ever been to Italy. And maybe in the future we'll take another road trip across three countries to a giant decaying cuddly toy. On an anniversary perhaps?
(sabre-tooth monkey, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:20, 4 replies)

One of the many reasons that Mrs Olembe is ace...
...is that even though she's nearly 40 she does tyre screeching noises with her mouth when she's driving.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:19, 2 replies)

Stephen Hawkins style abuse
I used to hang out a lot with my friend who owned a video shop.

In said shop he had linked of his fuck off sound system to his video player, music system and computer. One day I remembered all the fun that used to be got when I was a young adult making the speech programme on the PC shout out abusive messages.

We spent a good hour with the message "Stop looking at the porn! You pervert" on speed dial, waiting for couples to come in. The man would always gravitate towards the bongo vids, as they always do, venturing just to the side of the display so they could have a sneaky peek. When our target was in position, with the speakers turned up, we would press play and much childish sniggering would ensue. Man would look shifty, wife would look cross, couple would leave followed by the strains of our laughter.

This may not seem a good business model (my friend has gone bust now) but in the end we had about 10 fully grown adults (well, 30 year old boys) waiting in the shop, shaking with silent laughter as we all waited for the next victims.

We also refused to speak to customers, using only the Sam voice.

Now I see why his business did not work out.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:19, Reply)

Dirty bath grafitti
I used to live in a rather skanky house. Chief among the skank was the bath, all the enammel had gone on it, resulting in a nice porus surface good for grinding the crusty bits off your feet but bad for picking up grime. It was grey, verging on black in places. At some point it became too much to bare so I purchaced some uber toilet cleaner to try and shift the stuff. The instructions informed me to "test on a discreet area first" which I took to mean "Draw a giant cock and balls, replete with gushes of seamen on your dirty bath". I left it slightly longer than reccomended and was happy to see my crudly drawn phallus etched in pure white onto the grey bath.

I took some photos, but they didn't really come out well :(
(Amos Moses, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:17, 1 reply)

Neigh!
no trip to the seaside is complete without squishing an icecream cone to your forehead and pretending to be a Unicorn.

I am 33.
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:13, 7 replies)

Occasionally
Just occasionally, if Grouchette is having a sneaky snack attack, I take the biscuity/crispy/chocolately treat out of her hand and put it on top of a very high cupboard.

I'm not sure this is childish or just plain cruel.
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:11, Reply)

When leaving the pub late at night and it's been snowing...
I figure it's vital to build mini snowmen on car bonnets
( snee held his breath since, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:04, Reply)

Now and again, whilst my wife is quietly reading
I just like to SLAP the book out of her hands and walk off without saying a word.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:03, 2 replies)

Is it just me?
Or is everyone else giggling like a twat and making notes?

This is gonna be a fun week it seems...
( snee held his breath since, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:55, 4 replies)

I don't know if its childish but
whenever the Garnier advert comes on I have to sing "ooh Danone" at the end.
It goes "Garnier..." and I go "ooh Danone". I've become obsessed with it.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:51, 2 replies)

There's an American woman who works in my office whose name is Fanny Blowers....

( SpankyHanky, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:47, Reply)

I forget where I saw this first, but it amuses the feck outta me...

( snee held his breath since, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:33, 8 replies)

The yellow car game
When out with an ex and her brood, the dullness of a car journey was broken up by playing the yellow car game - basically, every time you see a yellow car, you slap someone and and say "Yellow car - no return".

And so, there I was, outside the pub having a smoke one day, chatting to a mate, and a yellow car came along. Without really thinking, I punched my mate in the arm and said "Yellow car - no return."

Within a couple of days, everyone in the bar was covered in bruises where 20 or so 'adults' delightedly played the game with just a little too much gusto...
( snee held his breath since, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:30, 2 replies)

My ex despaired of me...
In Tesco one time with her eldest (15), I spied some foam kid swords - both Molly and I grabbed one each and set about the aisle in a very realistic sword fight while her mum ran away...

On a bright note - she did buy us 1 each :)

Personally, I think getting a sulky 15 year old to do this sort of thing is an achievement :)
( snee held his breath since, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:27, Reply)

Silicone Guns


Am I the only person who, if left alone in a room with one of these, will immediately pick it up and start pretending it's a machine gun?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:19, 14 replies)

Fishsticks
I used to work in a team for a boss who had a separate office, but would come into our communal area when he wanted to fart. After he did this a few times I said that if he did it again I would take revenge. He did it again. So... I bought a pack of frozen fish fingers and while he was out of his office I opened his PC and placed the packet inside, unopened, and shut the PC again. The next day, Friday, the thawing fish fingers with the help of the fan inside the PC maintained a "just farted" smell in his office from 9-5. He had become immune to the smell but everyone who visited him that day emerged with an offended and quizzical look on their face.

The joke backfired a bit because I had to come in at the weekend and remove the packet which smelled VERY BAD indeed, especially since the air conditioning had been switched off, but apart from that the revenge was perfect. And he never farted in front of us again.
(moistness, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:19, 1 reply)

Cinemarvellous
I wish I could claim credit but i can't. The local cinema used to suffer from some creative types who'd climb onto the roof to adjust the film names to read something crude. In large foot high letters it used to read 'anal fist wank' or 'cum wars'. Never lasted long, I did get a photo of the anal fist wank one but I can't find it. Management are now wise and it only ever says 'for now showing call this number' boo cinema management.
( spingers, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:17, 1 reply)

From my reply to a spanky post, requested by theophilous...
I was sat on the sofa, nekkid, one day at home when I cocked my leg and farted... And followed through on the fucking GLOVE I'd somehow sat on without realising. A three inch long brown smelly slug was evidence of my faux pas, and a bust nut from laughing at my girlfriends horrified reaction will give me trouble on cold days for years to come.

Not scrictly on topic, but laughing at trumps and poos is pretty childish, isn't it?
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 8:31, 2 replies)

Phone
I have a mobile with a speech program on it that sounds like a drunken old perv. Found you can change the dictionary and put in your own swearwords.
Had it on the table next to me in a packed cafe and it suddenly said out loud "The fucking keypad is locked." Strangely the old ladies were the ones who laughed.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 7:44, 2 replies)

My wife had a baby
And while she was in hospital I had to look after our older son.
Now to keep him amused I got his rattle with huge suction cup and yes you've guessed it,stuck it on my forehead to play Daleks.
I didn't know about the cup sized red mark until I went to the hosp and my wife asked what I'd been doing.
Took about 5 days to disappear.

I was 20.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 7:31, 4 replies)

Children!
Do you want to grow up and join b3ta?

Well, you'll have to choose - you can't do both.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 5:22, 1 reply)

A Repost - B&Q Tannoy System Antics
I spent a while working in B&Q in Sutton whilst in the 6th form. After a particularly boring Saturday morning, me and one of the section managers started trying customer experiments with the tannoy system. The first announcement was:

"Will the man with the beard come to reception please"

Classic. Eight blokes with various styles of beard turn up. We tell them none of them are the right one. Next announcement:

"Will the man with the beard who looks like The Master from Doctor Who come to reception please"

Very hard to keep a straight face at this stage. Two more customers turn up at reception (one of whom had come up on the previous announcement - but thought he might look a bit like The Master). Both told despite having a passing resemblance to The Master (and beards), they are not the droids we are looking for.

Carried on this game for some time, including some crackers like:

"Will the customer who has left an mechanised automaton in the car park please come to reception"

Three people turned up "in case" ????

"Will the lady in the short skirt and high heels please come to reception"

"Will the owner of the mobility scooter currently on fire in the car park come to reception"

One petrified granny turns up on a zimmer. (felt guilty about this one)

Anyway, we got away with it for several hours till the store manager got wind of it. He went mental.
(Mandrill, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 4:09, 4 replies)

You know those magical vacuum-seal corks you can get for wine bottles?
They're little one-way valves that you pop into the neck of an open bottle, and you tug away with the supplied hand pump and suck the air out to create a vacuum and keep the wine fresh.
Whatever you do, don't hold them against your forehead and suck them to your skin before quoting Shrek. Yes, it amuses children, shouting "DONKEH!" at the top of your lungs with knobbly protrusions jutting forth from your bonce, but when you pull them off and discover red marks where the blood has pooled it's far less amusing.
Hence my sig of the last week.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 4:07, 2 replies)

Just before I left my previous job as a Contractor to a High Voltage Engineering company, to become a stripper.
that's a story for another time though.

I was driving my new apprentice to a job, the little bugger fell asleep about 10 minutes into the journey. I waited about another 10, then slammed the brakes (enough to jolt him but not stop the car) and screamed at the top of my lungs.
He woke up screaming in blind panic, I haven't laughed so hard for ages.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:55, 5 replies)

Boogie
Every time I walk from the bathroom to the bedroom after a shower in my towel.
I do a silly dance in front of whoever* is there.

* Nude if its my girlfriend.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:42, 1 reply)

Car rides...
Every time my mother and I ride in my brother's car (with leather seats) we have to sit together in the back. Every time he takes a turn, we slide across the seats yelling "WHEEEEEEE!!" and slam into eachother, even if it's just a slight curve in the road. We also have to slide forward and back every time the speed changes. My mother made up this game the very first time we rode with him. (She's 54 and I'm 25)
(lizbianajones, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:36, 2 replies)

At work..
We were in the bosses office chatting when the phone rang. It was the front desk saying his visitor had arrived. He excused himself and left the room. Now my bosses office isn't exactly large and my mate decided to let the mother of all farts go. The pungent smell brought tears to my eyes and would have killed a small child. On that note we left the office and retreated to the safety of our office next door. Cue our boss arriving not 60 seconds later with his visitor and much ensuing embarrassment. The words "fucking cunt" were reasonably audible from next door as I'm sure the reciprocated hysterical laughter from our office would have been for him. Ah, good times...
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:12, Reply)

I went down the stairs,
using my hands.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 2:07, 1 reply)