One of my mates got kicked out of a beer festival
for telling Chaz n Dave they were "shit".
(BadKittyDirtyKitty, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:27, Reply)

Anyone sad enough to
be watching channel 4's new series of 'Brat camp' may have noticed a girl called -redacted-. This particular individulal is a nasty peice of work, and going to school with her for two years is one of my few modest claims to fame. And now all the shit that the channel 4 forums won't let me show:

*Her real name is -redacted-, according to her passport, a copy of which one of my mates nicked from her bag when she pissed us all of. Yet the name on the school's register was ;

*She used to stuff her bra, prooved when her ex-boyfriend showed the entire 1st XI rugby team nude photos of her before the game against -redacted- college. We drew the match;

*She honestly thought for a long while she was black, her idiom changed accordingly up to the point where she would spurt such profanities as 'im gonna kick yo ass biatch' in a defined middle-england boarding school accent;

*No-one liked her, ever, not even her parents;

*She used to charge £20 for blowjobs down the woods, and a conspiracy even formed that teachers were taking advantage of this offer. later prooved to be bollocks, but the blowjob bit is true;

*Her nick-names have included frog-face, platypus, terry's chocolate orange, prick tease;

*In year 11 she had really bad facial hair and she was presented with a gillete sensor excell quatro (the best a man can get), which was hilarious, as the stubble on her face was visible at close range;

*She once inserted a tampon with 4 other people in the room. Sick bitch;

*She used to set off fire alarms at 2am in the morning (this is a boarding school remember), entirely on the motive of being able to run down, half naked to the fire assembly point, in front of every male member of the school;

*The schools she has been expelled from include -redacted-, where I knew her, and her name will forever live in infamy.

Yea, as I said, that was just the stuff I couldn't put on the C4 website, possibly because there are laws against it or something. This has mainly been for the amusement of the author.

Oh yeah, and I ordered steak at Rick Stein's resturant once when I was 8 and told the great man himself it was 'shit'.
(Mr. Beef studio gash stylist, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:18, Reply)

I'm the 10th cousin
of William Howard Taft, the USA's fattest president - he once got stuck in the White House bathtub and needed forcible extrication.

Anticipating any follow-up queries, I am quite trim, thank you much.
(ZugZwang refuses to update his profile., Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:18, Reply)

A few years back
I and several of my chums hijacked an aeroplane and crashed it into a prominent New York landmark.

Twice.
(Gone Native, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:10, Reply)

My uncle
is a drum and bass DJ (his band is called London Elektricity, and he also owns Hospital Records, a D&B label). I still hate Drum and Bass though.
(Ninja Squirrel what is this new-fangled technology?!, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:09, Reply)

Other people
I served a drink to the lead singer of The Foundations - of Build me up buttercup fame - I couldnt believe it. My mums cousin is married to Stuart "Psycho" Pearce. And I once met Jon Snow at some event that he came to talk at - he wore a crazy tie and did you know he cycles everywhere around london - nice chap. I also had a friend who almost got run over by Vinny Jones - he did stop afterwards to tell him not to be in the road (we're guessing he was late for a film or a court appearance)
(multipac, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:07, Reply)

Spending
an evening sitting back to back with Mel Gibson, listening to him discuss the minutiae of his varicose vein removal operation whilst I was trying to eat. Yummy :op
( dragonesque, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:03, Reply)

I'm a minor celebrity in a limited field
I've been in the international news off and on for about 6 years for some research I did as part of my doctoral dissertation. I've been on an Australian morning radio show, been on the BBC, and was interviewed by CNN. The CNN segment was supposed to air on September 12, 2001, but they had other news to report that day.

What boggles my mind is that many other people have been doing similar research better and for longer, but I just happened to catch the press' imagination for some strange morphic-resonance reason.

Just proves to me how fickle the press is and not to believe every "new great thing" they seem to pick up on. It's all random chance what catches on and what doesn't.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:56, Reply)

Time to reflect....
I have toured with the Wildhearts and Therapy? as photographer, and have had my shots used on a couple of Wildhearts CDs as well as Ginger solo stuff, Electric Eel shock and a few others bands. I've photographed Alice Cooper, Janes Addiction and several other famous bands, and all officially. And I am fortunate that I can call several fairly famous people in Rock mates.

I have got pissed with Dennis from Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Mark Owen from Take That once gave me his glass of wine as he had to rush off, Been namechecked by Antiproduct to a packed crowd at the Melkweg in Amsterdam (and had my manhood exposed at another gig on stage by Alex), I've had beer with Quentin Tarantino, been backstage with the Darkness, shared a train journey with Wim Kok (Dutch PM), chatted up Share Pedersen from Vixen (a personal favourite), helped out the guys from Wolfsbane, called Jarvis Cocker a "Metal God",Shared flights with Feeder and Dutch pixie sensation Sita, had a piss next to the drummer of the Black Crowes, Drank a lot of beer with Thunder, Been offered a Rim Job from the love child of Hazel O'Connor and molesth Cornwell of the stranglers, been out on the Raz with Reg Holdsworth from Corrie (He is one of my dearest friend's uncle),called Nicky Campbell a pretentious twat, made Phill Jupitus sing in Dutch, told Gene Wilder how much I loved him in blazing saddles, Accidentally shoved my arse into Suzi Quattro's face and been told by Vic McGlynn that I have an annoying voice (though I did win a DAB off of her).

And probably the top of all is that one of my bestest mates has chalked up over 100 FP's on B3ta - Darryn.R - gawd bless ya!
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:54, Reply)

I was the drummer in 'Eskimos & Egypt'.
Exactly.

I was on Tiswas too.
( routine has perfected burgers, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:45, Reply)

I had an entry published in Log's Law of the Playground book-
(it's under T for Trannies if you're interested),I have my name in the acknowledgements of lots of dull academic books from work but the Playground Law thing means so much more.
My mum was in a 1960s film version of The Canterbury Tales, wearing a pair of trainers under her Chaucerian robes for added authenticity.
Crap really. Oh and I'm Trevor McDonald.
(BadKittyDirtyKitty, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:36, Reply)

Rolf.
Some years back, just as that blasted Vet show with Rolf had become popular, my parents decided to go on holiday, leaving me to fend for myself. Those two things aren't necessarily connected, but bare with me on this...

I also had to look after Bertie, the family mutt, who was rapidly approaching middle age. So much so in fact, that during my 'rents jaunt he ruptured his prostate gland and I came home to find a trail of blood across the house, and a whimpering dog in the corner of the living room.

Cue trip to vet by friendly neighbour (I was still a youngun and couldn't drive at this time).

Next thing I know, pompous TV producer type comes round the corner and informs me that "I want to be on TV" and that I need to sign a form.

I sign it, and promptly in walks a guy with a tripod, followed by another chap with camera. I'm half expecting Rolf to follow, but thankfully he doesn't.

Cue following rectal examining of pooch in which producer looks rather worried, and cameraman can't help but stifle his giggles. All captured to DV.

Somewhat surprisingly, I wasn't icluded in the final series, despite a followup interview with both me and the parents where they said how proud they were of me for not letting him die in the corner.

Not really a claim to fame I guess. Nevermind.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:34, Reply)

My grandad
had the record for the largest tumour ever attached to a human kidney.

I think it's been beaten since.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:33, Reply)

My dad is a doctor
and he told Kenny Everett that he had AIDS. We still laugh about it to this day.
(bellends, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:23, Reply)

Lyons & Tigers!
My alter-ego, Randy Tiger, used to play bass guitar for the up-and-coming band, Lyons & Tigers.

We supported The Zutons on for a few dates around the UK last year. With my more handsome successor, Curtis Tigers on board, these hot cats are bound to be coming YOUR way soon - check them out if you get the chance as you will NOT regret it!

Why did Randy Tiger hang up his bass? He hasn't...

thezutons.net/lyons/
(Green-Alsatian, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:22, Reply)

I'm related to someone who did something to do with lights
on Tomorrow Never Dies and Die Another Day. Look up Alec East on the IMDB

And one of my ladyfriends is related to Margeret Godden, the author.
( ArthurTheRat, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:21, Reply)

...
I once crept into George Harrisons house and stabbed him.



I also think i am responsible for advising the man in charge of Jedimaster.net to Start a petition to get Ghyslain (star wars kid) in the Revenge of the Sith. I emailed him saying this and i checked next day and there it was. Could be coincidence, could be i was the last of about 25,000 to do so (most probably). But it makes me feel good inside.


My dad also met Oliver Reed on Barbados in the Mid 70's and spent the entire weekend getting heavily inibriated with him. (100% true, and i am severely envious of him. He was without doubt the greatest ever Englishman.
( Radagarst, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 20:02, Reply)

Ehh.....
I told Roy Walker he was twat when he turned on the Christmas lights in my town.

I'm also mistaken for some cunt called DJ Rankin by loads of stupid people who try to talk to me on MSN.
(King In Crimson, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:53, Reply)

I can Diggit.....
My mate met Fearne Cotton on holiday when she was just beginning out and was on the Diggit morning show.
We went down to London for the Millenium and met up with Fearne and her mates in Watford for a night out. So my claim to fame is that i went out on the piss with Fearne from Top of the Pops. Her mates were really fit as well!
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:51, Reply)

Last Saturday
Gareth Gates ran through our store.

He said hi (or "H-h-h-hi") as he ran thru to a girl who works there, and was chased off by a group of screaming groupie-wannabes.

He was in town for a ss-s-s-s-sss-*breathe*-s-st-ss-sst-s-ssssst-stam-sst-stammer convention.

People wandering up and asking when we c-cc-c-*breathe*-c-c-*breathe*-ccclose every 5min... :( Boring and yet challenging in the smirking department.

(No disrespect to st-stammerers)
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:50, Reply)

mr whippy!
a long-lost uncle who now lives in Jamaica started ice cream giant Mr. Whippy, and I am so proud.

my second cousin who is a lovely old lady married the guy who owns Bartholomew's Maps if anyone remembers them.
(cairo, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:49, Reply)

I was once on Cybercafe dressed as a prat...
Ok.. I was dressed as a Samurai... but whilst on there I met Nell McAndrew (who managed to make yer average bimbo appear smart) and I met the legendary Rick Wakeman... He even belted me with Nell's handbag when I attacked another samurai...

Afterwards, the organisers paid for us to have a cheap meal at one of the local restaurants... Rick turned up with an 18 year old girl on each arm. Apparantly he had aquired them in the 100 yards between the studio and the restaraunt... The man is a god!

(*Cybercafe - crap late night chat show)
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:47, Reply)

This isnt actually me, but i think its worth mentioning...
My great great uncle Bob was in the Fred Karno Repertoire Company with none other than Charlie Chaplin, and was set to go America with the company. Unfortunately, shortly before they were due to leave, he shot himself in the eye with a stage pistol and couldnt go. Fool.
Oh yeah, and my older sister went out with this guy off The Bill. he plays Jim Carver. LALALA.
(PAMPAMPAM, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:31, Reply)

Len Ganley the snooker referee
was my grannies second husbands brother.

I once told Damon Hill to fuck off.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:30, Reply)

I am quite closely related by marriage to Silvio Berlusconi.
Which I think is quite funny.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:29, Reply)

I "killed" Noel Edmunds!
Years ago (more than 20) Radio One did a short series of shows called "Three men in a boat". Paul Gambaccini, Mike Read and Noel Edmunds made their way down the Thames in a boat, stopping on the way and doing broadcasts.
My friend and I decided to go an see them when they were in Henley (my excuse for this is that we were bored students). My friend had his guitar with him and Mike Read spotted it and asked him aboard the boat to play some tunes together.
Due to this, after the show, Mike Read invited us to go to the pub with them all.
So there we were, in a pub, with 3 Radio One celebs and two very young, blonde, busty, bimbos that had mysteriously appeared from the depths of the boat.
Someone suggested playing darts so we all played "killer". Noel Edmunds, up to this point, had made it very obvious that he'd prefer it if we weren't there, (he really is an ignorant and arogant man). When to my delight I had the opportunity to "Kill" him. He then became creepily nice, I smiled and threw the dart - YES! - with an accuracy unusual for me, I "Killed" Noel Edmunds.
( C-Bean on, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:29, Reply)

magnets!
my great-great-great-great uncle was (/is?) michael faraday.

my brother was on the radio screaming when muse played earl's court :)

my grandma's best friend was on coronation street, in a jury. and he makes wine.

my cousin was born via IVF and has her picture up in Robert Winston's office :D

i... can't think of any more.
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:25, Reply)

Rolling Stones
My mum told me she went to a Stones gig in Wales, (when they were'nt that big) and she and her mates hung around the back entrance and managed to get in. The Mick Jagger, and another one of them apparently invited them up to their hotel at the top of a mountain. My mum said no thanks, (she's not a slapper) but her friends went with them and after the famous men plugged them they left the girls to walk down the mountain by themselves. GuHAH!
That's my claim.
(Master of Toss has piles, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:20, Reply)

My Granny...
..went to school with Maggie Thatcher.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 19:13, Reply)