Paperboy
In my teens I was a paperboy and did a morning round that returned some good Christmas tips. One street on it had Michael Parkinson, Rolf Harris, Gerald Ratner (of the crap jewellery fame, no tips from him), a couple of Arab princes, and no doubt many others. On this street, £20 tips were not uncommon - and 15 years ago this was big money to a spotty oik like me, especially when I had 30 houses on a round.

Another street had Gerry Anderson who did the Thunderbirds series and one of the singers from Three Degrees.

The celebrity chefs Michel Roux and Heston Blumenthal were also customers, although this was before Heston hit the big time.

The best (or worst) tip always came from an old non-famous woman in a house who delighted in running outside in her dressing gown and having it 'not quite done up enough', wearing nothing underneath. She was about 65, and I'm sure it was intentional. The tip wasn't a gawp at her wrinkly flange, it was that she'd give me a £25 M&S voucher every Christmas in return. That was more than a week's wages, and made up for all the droopy tit I had to endure for the other 364 days.
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:37, Reply)

My daughter plays in the same sports team as Nick Cave's boys.
We do the sideline dad thing.

He's quite friendly, and despite what you might think from his public image, does actually smile and laugh.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:34, 1 reply)

Dr Bunhead from Braniac
I once did a stage show as part of a science festival with Bunhead. I also once worked for Roger Daltry (from The Who) for about a year.
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:33, 1 reply)

When I worked at Jessops I sold a camera to Kate Buffery
Who I'd quite fancied since my dad let me stay up to watch 'Wish Me Luck' on the telly.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:28, Reply)

They filmed a Walkers advert at my school
This one.

Michael Owen was friendly enough, Gary Lineker was a twat.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:24, 1 reply)

Cillian Murphy was in the pub we were drinking in a few months ago.
He was tried to eye up Mrs Vagabond, and failed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:24, Reply)

I went to a pub with some friends
and some friends of friends and the friends of friends are friends with Daisy Haggard from Man Stroke Woman and other quite funny stuff and she was there.

I didn't talk to her though, as she was with a sub-group of friends of friends who turned out to be a bit cliquey and seemed to be hogging her all to themselves even though it was obvious she was desperate to talk to me and my friends.

The cunts.



Daisy Haggard is the girl in this sketch from Man Stroke Woman: www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e2tyA8zf6Q
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:22, Reply)

OMD? OMG! The ‘Um Bongo’ Incident...

Too many short answers! Please allow me to balance it out with some longwinded wank.

I used to work for a newspaper and once got the late, great Frankie Howerd to say something like ‘Titter ye not’ or ‘Ooooh what a blunder’ (I can’t remember which catchphrase exactly, I was pisstarded at the time). He was very nice though.

I was once forcibly thrown out of a hospital by Princess Michael of Kent’s security guard because I didn’t know the press etiquette, wandered into a restricted ward and started snapping photos of her over some patient’s bed. Damn Paparazzi...I am thee!

However, my very favourite claim to fame had nothing to do with my job. It was 24th August 1991. I went to see Simple Minds play at the Milton Keynes Bowl (don’t judge me fuckers!). On the day they were supported by the Stranglers and OMD. We had queued early and got to the very front. Being responsible kids, we also had our packed lunches with us as it was going to be a long day. Everything was going tickety, however, when OMD came on, they seemed to have a bit of a problem. The crowd weren’t very appreciative and there was some booing. They also suffered technical problems and they started a bit of a diva act, shrugging their shoulders and blaming the poor techies etc. The booing increased, they were getting considerably narked and decided to turn on the audience and insult us somewhat. 'Unwise' I thought. Finally they got their act together and started running through their ‘hits’ (typolol, I meant ‘shit’). But by then the crowd were against them, and they didn’t exactly love the crowd back.

To be fair to him, lead singer Andy McClusky didn’t take this lightly and he started fucking about, enraging everybody ever further. Inevitably the objects started flying at him. He just stuck his two fingers up and wound everyone up even more. In the end he climbed down off the stage (which was no mean feat – there was quite a gap and then a load of scaffolding to negotiate) and ran past the haters at the front, holding out his arm and ‘slapping’everyone as he ran past. By this time, people were veins-popping-out-of-the-head angry. I could see people grabbing out at him with clenched fists and punches being thrown by increasingly lairy folk. He just danced out of the way and smirked.

Eventually, he decided enough was enough, and satisfied with his pisstaking of the audience, he went to clamber back on to the stage. He climbed aboard the scaffolding easily enough as the fuming audience continued to roar their disapproval. However, as he was trying to get up the final section on to the stage, he struggled a bit. As I watched him flap, I don’t know what came over me. I just looked down at my lunchbox, took out my carton of Um Bongo, and hurled it at him as hard as I could.

This was from quite a way away, and I’m a shit shot at the best of times. My only explanation is 'I just got lucky’. At the exact moment he finally climbed aboard the stage and stood up, the carton hit him squarely on the back of the head. He was still unbalanced and this assault via Um Bongo missile was just enough to send him sprawling, star-shaped over the floor of the stage.

60,000 people erupted into a huge cheer. As Mr McClusky rolled around the stage, people began patting me on the back and congratulating me on my accuracy with a fruit based drink. It’s the closest I’ve ever got to actually being famous myself. Nowadays doing that sort of shite would at least get you a slot on a reality show or something.


TL;DR – Twat tries twatting about in front of 60,000 people. Another twat twats him
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:21, 8 replies)

Phill Jupitus refused one of my cigarettes
He smoked Marlboro Lights, I smoked Marlboro Reds, and he found them too strong. Which I thought was a tad cheeky, given that he'd come on stage in the pub function room and asked if he could ponce a fag off someone.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:19, Reply)

I cycled past
where Brian Cox (the actor, not the D-ream keyboard player-cum-scientist) is currently filming a TV series. I can confirm that he is much shorter than I had expected.

I wanted to say hi, but i didn't because it was cold and wet.

I worked with his neice for a few years too. She was lovely.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:12, 1 reply)

A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend
knows absolutely any person in the world you can fucking well think of. have that.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:02, 2 replies)

Not me but my partner
My partner is in retail and she has moved around a fair bit. When she lived in Basingstoke one of her regular customers at the shop she worked in was Dr Hilary Jones - he was an arrogant fucker apparently.
Another customer (this was when she lived in York) was Ellen de Generes. Apparently she is very nice, better than Dr Hilary at any rate.
My dubious claim is that I met Jeremy Paxman. Woo.
(lilyputian, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:01, Reply)

My ex slept with Ed Byrne a few months afterward she and I split.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:00, 4 replies)

When I was about 10 we moved into a house. We new it was used in this movie

www.imdb.com/title/tt0093952/


It was till much later in life I realised the rape scene was filmed in childhood bedroom
(figgyramone, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:56, Reply)

A good mate of mine
was at school with Simon Bird. They even did detention together, but I'm told it wasn't in a gay way.
( Yo 'Ho of Charlie mass-market saucetrepreneur, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:55, 2 replies)

I've accidentally assaulted Simon Amstell, twice.
I live in Edinburgh, and I work just off one of the most touristy streets in the place. If you've ever been to Edinburgh, you'll know that the High Street (or the Royal Mile as it's often called) gets more clogged up with visitors than jizz on a hairy comb. It's all pedestrianised so celebs, shock horror, have to walk everywhere and mix with the proles. Not something they are used to.

Anyway, I'm one of those people who is always late, always dashing to things, and I'm a fairly big chap, ex-rugby player, etc. I think you can see where this is going.

I've had a hard day at work, I'm leaving late, I've got a date on the other side of town, so I'm haring it along the High Street to get to where my bus goes from at the other end. I'm suddenly aware of a small impact, no harder than a pigeon bumping against my elbow, so I look round, and there's Simon Amstell sprawling on the cobbles and he's dropped his little suitcase. It really was a little suitcase, more like a handbag, actually. Anyway, I helped the frizzy little moppet up, apologised - stopped short of dusting him down in case I broke sometihing off, and then went off again on my way. Made me miss my bus, the fucker. I didn't get my hole that night.

Anyway, not much of a story, really, but let me say this. Almost exactly the same thing happened the next festival, a year later. only this time I had just got off the bus and was running along South Bridge to get to a meeting. It can be summarised thusly: Crowded street, great speed, tiny wallop, look round - Amstell again. This time with a cup of Mocha that fortunately hadn't gone over him. This time he looked really fearful although it really was just an accident. Helped him up, blabbety blah. Was late for my meeting, got chewed out.

Anyway, Amstell's not been back to Edinburgh since, I think.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should say that I've actually told this anecdote on here before, but I thought it bore repeating.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:53, 2 replies)

A guy I know
had his name on the front page of several sunday papers last year, because a load of lazy journalists decided to publish a tweet he made about amy winehouse.
(cs1ca, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:51, Reply)

I once did an internship/placement type thingy with BBC Look East
while I was a poor and impoverished student. I shadowed "normal for Norfolk" local correspondent, Mike Liggins, and this involved driving to a forgotten town in the darkest corner of East Anglia to make a report. When we arrived, he tried to make me pay for the parking. Tight bastard.
( Yo 'Ho of Charlie mass-market saucetrepreneur, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Pro celebrity knobbing...
...I used to date Olly Murs' sister's best mate.

That was before he was famous, obviously.

I also once appeared on a Swedish television documentary that was inexplicably filmed at a primary school in rural East Anglia.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:45, Reply)

I stalked John Peel a week before he died.
Stood looking at the river that runs through Tewkesbury a tall fellow moves up beside me for a few moments. "He looks familiar." I said to the wife,"Hold up... isn't that John Peel?"

She shrugged indifference but I had to know!

A double-time walk toward the direction he'd headed and we'd soon caught up with this chap... he certainly looked like John Peel but I had to know for sure!

Then he opened his gob and there was no doubt it was he. I was happy. He died a week later, I'm almost sure it was nothing to do with me.

Something similar happened with Noddy holder who was 'enjoying' a meal with his kids on the Silk Road McDonalds in Macclesfield... Once he opened his gob there was no doubt who it was. In this case Noddy Holder didn't die a week after though.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:44, Reply)

My mum grew up just down the road from
A BBC news presenter. I can't remember his name. That's how memorable and famous he is.
( Yo 'Ho of Charlie mass-market saucetrepreneur, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:43, Reply)

TV sports journalist
Damian Johnson once got me to steal some biscuits from an adjacent table at a school event at which he was delivering the keynote speech.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:42, Reply)

A friend of a friend of a friend
Once had his foot run over by Stephen Hawking.
( Yo 'Ho of Charlie mass-market saucetrepreneur, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:40, 1 reply)

Do you know what he'd love?

What?

He'd love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.

Ohhh yeah Ted, he'd love that! You should definitely do that!

Should I?

Awww Yeah, I'd say no one ever does that to him, he'd think you're hilarious. Y'know, this is one of these times that I'm absolutely 100 million per cent sure that you'd be doing the right thing. I can safely say you definitely definitely won't regret doing that.

Y'know what? I'm going to do it!

Brilliant Ted!

Will I?

Yeahhhh go on!

Hold the camera.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:37, Reply)

I was in a film
With Sean Maguire. I'd just got back from a weekend in Amsterdam. He told me he liked the place. For the culture, I enquired? That and the ready access to pills and weed, he replied.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:37, Reply)

You might know me from such films as...
Doug McClure (inspiration for Troy McClure on The Simpsons) didn't come to my eighth birthday party. I'd seen him in The Land That Time Forgot or something and thought he was so cool. A friend of the family knew him somehow, got in touch and he promised to come. He didn't. Cunt.

Also, I used to deliver newspapers to John Craven. I never got to meet him.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:36, 3 replies)

I nearly ran over Bob Holness
Many years ago had'nt been driving long, was driving a ford granada 2.8i mk2 (dads)and he ran across the road in front of me. Slammed on the brakes just missed him.
(Headsbollockskuntz, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:35, 1 reply)

I sang...
'There There' by Radiohead on karaoke in Manchester's TriBeCa bar. The girl who played Zara in Hollyoaks was there. She applauded politely and gave me a thumbs up.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:34, Reply)

I saw Trigger from Only Fools And Horses
in The Southampton Arms in Kentish Town once. He was enjoying an ale and though the tempation to go up to him and say something about broom handles did cross my mind I decided not to bother him.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:31, Reply)