Albert’s Infallible Guide to Class
Working class, middle class, upper class – makes no damn difference. Class is imbued in only certain people - you can tell by the way they carry themselves, their manners and their style. Those that are possessed with true class are rare, very rare.

People harp on about a ‘classless society’ as if it is something to strive for. I cannot think of anything worse. There is very little by way of class on display in this country. Only a tiny fraction of the population can claim to have the slightest idea of how to conduct themselves in a manner befitting their age or station in life.

As someone who simply exudes class, I will try and assist the rest of you with a simple guide. Now, I understand that in times past – and I myself am guilty of a great many indiscretions – one may have indulged in truly classless behaviour, but a decent person understands, that for example, when you lived in student hovel, smoked roll-ups and made meals from tinned food, that this was simply class tourism - an exercise, if you will, in how not to live. If however, you find yourself out of your early 20’s and still doing any of the above, then you my friend, are a classless embarrassment. As are the rest of you, if you:

Eat in Subway
Commute by bus
Still have a bad credit rating
Play fruit machines in pubs
Smoke outside huddled by the office doorway
Wear any kind of sports clothing when not participating in sport
Still smoke weed
Buy anything from non-British supermarkets whilst in the UK
Purchase lottery tickets
Smoke roll up cigarettes
Go to nightclubs when over 35yrs old
Do not own a car
Still keep jewellery in your piercings (other than ears)
Visit KFC
Still high-five people
Believe that 1% of people have all the money
‘Like’ brands on Facebook
Don’t yet own a property
Have never been upgraded without asking
Need to know what the above point means
Go camping
Vote anything other than Tory
Have a visible tattoo
Read the Guardian
Like new music
Buy anything from Greggs
Think that the state will provide
Watch Coronation Street
Buy wine under £10 a bottle
Drink ‘energy’ beverages
Think your choice of coffee defines you
Don’t have an Amex Card
Holiday in Centre Parcs
Never read the small-print
Call people ‘dude’
Voted Livingstone
Pay retail
Eat Pringles
Haven’t got private healthcare
Give public displays of affection
Don’t visit the hygienist at least twice a year
Carry a rucksack on your commute
Especially if it has a bottle of water in an outside pocket
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 22:58, 166 replies)

"I will try and assist the rest of you"

try and assist?

Pure classlessness. In the same league as "would of" and "could of".
(Wilton Mitrowserz, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 23:26, closed)

^eats at KFC

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 23:33, closed)

Alright, spimf?
You've missed the last line off of your post.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 23:36, closed)

^can't get a mortgage

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 23:38, closed)

Seriously, you've got an "if", loads of conditions, but no "then"
Very annoying.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 8:47, closed)

just spotted this
its uncanny


b3ta.com/questions/common/post277810
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 15:24, closed)

^watches Eastenders

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 12:12, closed)

It used to be so simple
www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2k1iRD2f-c

What went wrong? eh? eh? eh?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 23:49, closed)

^pays retail

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 23:54, closed)

^dull prick^

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 23:58, closed)

^can't afford health insurance

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:22, closed)

So your story is "I have never had fun in my life"?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 0:01, closed)

I can't tell whether this is him doing the 'lol I was just trolin' schtick
or if his life and ambitions are genuinely this bleak.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 0:03, closed)

What you actually read the stuff he posted?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 0:11, closed)

It used to be funny.
He'd tell an obvious lie and then get hilariously indignant when people pointed it out. This new Liebert is no fun at all.

Sad times.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 8:04, closed)

^^what twat hole said^^
Bring back yet to be released coffee machine bragging I say
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 8:50, closed)

He's now doing the internet equivalent of mugging for the camera, and it's just sad.
Poor Liemallow, tried too hard to force it and just prolapsed.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:16, closed)

^drinks Blossom Hill

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:17, closed)

I don't like wine.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:32, closed)

^point proven

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:33, closed)

Basically, AM is now b3ta's equivalent of Miranda Hart.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:08, closed)

I like the one where he trips up in front of an attractive person and his mum says something posh.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:10, closed)

Rather that than Dad's Army
Over 40yrs old, never funny and endlessly, endlessly repeated.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 19:12, closed)

I can understand why you'd feel uncomfortable being compared to something that was incredibly popular and commercially successful.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 20:30, closed)

I think you confuse reality with fantasy, Asperger's Albert.
This man is actually a model who earns 25K pa OK?


(SlantedScience, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 1:26, closed)

^Australian

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:59, closed)

Ha!
Genuine laugh.
( Ken Oath, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 11:52, closed)

you forgot 'have an interest only mortgage'

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 8:29, closed)

^buys Pringles

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:26, closed)

^buys interest only mortgages^ with no hope of repayment if the BofE raises IR.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:38, closed)

^perpetual tenant

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:45, closed)

With your property portfolio I would have thought you would welcome perpetual tenants who choose to
invest in portfolios that return 17-25% PA rather than thinking 3% on rental income was a good thing.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:52, closed)

^funding my retirement

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:54, closed)

Yes!
Are we going to reignite your hilarious bollocks about a property portfolio? That was my favourite.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 15:47, closed)

can someone say 'alright' to monster munch for me?
I'm still on 2.0
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 8:50, closed)

Done

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:02, closed)

Not sure what you're trying to say here, apart from that you're a prick, obviously.

( Zuowan, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 8:55, closed)

^still high-fives people

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:18, closed)

this is just highlights the fact that you are a grade A cunt

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:01, closed)

^turned down by Amex

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:21, closed)

credit cards are for poor cunts


I get my butler to pay for everything with crisp freshly minted £50's

I've just bought a PS5 with some of my vast wealth (only I am able to get one because I'm so well connected).
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 11:43, closed)

^can only afford generic antidepressants

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 11:47, closed)

^on high strength proprietary antipsychotics

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 13:19, closed)

What would be the point in an invisible tattoo? That's just acupuncture.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:03, closed)

^shops at Lidl

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:28, closed)

Much as I'd like to refute this, I did once buy one of their SDS hammer drills (and it's really quite good). Fuck buying the food, though.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:31, closed)

what if the tatoo is invisible in normal light but appears in infra red or black light.
fair point though. well made.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:32, closed)

^has credit rating under 850

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:34, closed)

I bank with a bank which does not go down the glib route of credit ratings. I doubt you will have heard
of them.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:36, closed)

^no grasp of basic economics

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:56, closed)

What kind of prole is bothered about, or even knows, their credit rating?
If you can't afford to pay cash, you're scum.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:39, closed)

What sort of pleb still carries cash?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:49, closed)

What kind of degenerate buys things themselves?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:55, closed)

Shoplifting FTW!

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:58, closed)

^has to use Capital One

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:52, closed)

^Can't afford premium TV and still watches channels with adverts.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:56, closed)

It has to be said that making lists about class is very unbecoming, smacks of a person
comfortable in cerise coloured pantaloons which just aren't from the correct tailor.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:34, closed)

^still smokes weed

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 9:55, closed)

Looks like this will be the thread that tops 100 replies.
Damning indictment of this week's question, if you ask me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 10:06, closed)

^votes Lib Dem

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 10:11, closed)

You go too far, Albert.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 10:19, closed)

For fuck's sake, go steady.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 1:28, closed)

Only because Liemallow is replying to every single post.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 10:16, closed)

That dreadful cunt.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 10:20, closed)

Why did you append your weekly itinerary,
you monumentally daft and clumsy buffoon?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 10:34, closed)

^bought 10 tickets for tonight's draw

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 11:53, closed)

i had super noodles for dinner last night

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 11:42, closed)

^chose mobile bill over food this month

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 11:49, closed)

You have a credit card and a concern over your credit rating?
Fucking pauper.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 13:00, closed)

^has at least 3 CCJs

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 14:32, closed)

^has to use credit to buy anything

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 15:46, closed)

only mentaly deranged idiots reply to this post

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 13:22, closed)

^definitely commutes wearing rucksack with water bottle on show
*mentally*
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 13:25, closed)

^Attention seeking, bullshitting fantasist fuck-knuckle with too much time on his hands

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 14:51, closed)

^unemployable

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 15:21, closed)

^lonely and upset

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 15:29, closed)

and wealthy.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 16:29, closed)

You know ... if you dedicated as much time to work as to telling weak porkies on here
you'd probably be earning ... well ... apprentice minimum wage.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 16:43, closed)

And if you stopped working and concentrated more on your online trolling, you'd have hit 120,000 posts by now.
Oh, hold on...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:03, closed)

It's almost as if I don't have to work hard.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:05, closed)

oh dear god
you're rory
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 17:23, closed)

^drunk already

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:00, closed)

People of true class don't need to comment on other people
they have people to do that for them.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 13:47, closed)

oh dear Albert, deletion and reposting so your classless approach to apostrophe usage will go unnoticed.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 17:32, closed)

He's the gift that keeps on giving.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 17:54, closed)

ONE HUNDRED REPLIES.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:28, closed)

he doesn't understand the impact of basic affordability calculations in mortgage applications, nor appreciate that underwriting requirements fatally undermine his property empire tales.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:35, closed)

He can't count to two.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 18:46, closed)

he enjoys telling ridiculous lies which don't stand up to any scrutiny at all

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 19:02, closed)

He gets some attention at least. Which is nice. He can't get much in the real world.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 19:09, closed)

except for that time his employer was emailed by cr3
You know, about the email hackwanks.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 19:18, closed)

wait a minute
Why would you hold this much geared investment when the yields are correlated with a low risk strategy?

Any investor with any nous would be investing in a balanced aggressive portfolio of mainly UK smaller companies, Euro property funds and investment grade corporate bonds and be looking at annual investment growth of about 15 to 20%, with reinvestment of income only magnifying the growth. It's far more in line with your attitude to risk, apparent capacity for loss and is infinitely more tax efficient than direct investment in residential property.

Aside from the clear bullshit around getting the credit in breach of established underwriting limits, your property investment story is totally unsuitable. If you were truly of a higher class then your financial adviser would have been through all of this with you.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 19:28, closed)

yeah it was from this point here that he deleted.
Quite a lot of people saw the deleted section.

It doesn't make him look any more believable.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 19:00, closed)

So, you're basically Hyacinth Bucket?

(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 22:58, closed)

Without the charm.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 1:07, closed)

What's any of that got to do with class?

( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 23:44, closed)

HP's Guide to Inflatable Ass

( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 9:58, closed)

"Give public displays of affection"
ANY display of affection. Damned proles.
( Ken Oath, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 12:21, closed)

oh liebert ... why the weepy deletions?
It's not like people will suddenly start believing your twaddle.

You daft prick.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 18:43, closed)

^gets all upset if people delete things on the internet

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 19:39, closed)

^ so upset at having yet another lie exposed that he deletes ^

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 19:55, closed)

yer ... just sitting here in one of my houses being all upset that you deleted your fantasy life from the internet
I'm in weepy bits.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 20:00, closed)

he has the balls to tell lies but not to convincingly defend those lies

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 20:07, closed)

what a hopeless dickend

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 20:15, closed)

he's avoiding addressing the subject as well

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 20:19, closed)

he's a bit sensitive about addresses

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 20:42, closed)

he didn't know about basic investment principles, capital gains tax or that mortgages are underwritten

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 21:09, closed)

first time around he couldn't even do the arithmetic for compound interest
another three or four attempts and he might be able to convince a slightly dim twelve year old
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 21:12, closed)

yeah in the last five years lenders have been extremely keen to engage in risky interest only mortgage lending
Where the affordability basis is artificially low interest rates. They've all been going out of their way to do that.

Yeah.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 26 Mar 2014, 21:18, closed)

^both showing an inordinate amount of interest in debunking 'obvious lies'.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 27 Mar 2014, 11:21, closed)

poking fun at idiots is the primary purpose of this messageboard

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 27 Mar 2014, 11:38, closed)

I know, and I'm enjoying it immensely.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 27 Mar 2014, 11:44, closed)

classic TTTing!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Mar 2014, 12:17, closed)

Fucks' sake!
How many replies would this have got if he hadn't deleted a load of them?

Of course, when I say 'replies' I mean 'piles of relentless (and justified) abuse of a bullshitting dullard'
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Thu 27 Mar 2014, 12:58, closed)

^eerily obsessed with things that matter not one bit.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 27 Mar 2014, 13:19, closed)