socialising...what a bunch of bollocks.
Nights out. I don't want to hang round with a bunch of drunken wankers who I have nothing in common with.

The strange thing is that due to my extensive social and professional network people seem to think I am very social, which pisses me off just as much
(GIbbonsrwild, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:00, 1 reply)

Al Murray
IF I SHOUT REALLY FUCKING LOUD PEOPLE WILL LAUGH!

To be fair though, I've never really watched an entire set of his, nor have I really listened to many of his jokes, probably because my eardrums had ruptured before he got to the punchline.
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:00, 2 replies)

Absolutely Fabulous is not funny.
Jennifer Saunders is funny, but dressing like Vivienne Westwood and flailing about going "ooh darling" isn't.

and that Sawalha girl isn't that attractive either.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:00, 3 replies)

The Mighty Boosh
Now, I actually do enjoy the TV Series and it makes me laugh a lot (and more so the Radio Series) but the more successful it became, the more often I would see Noel Fielding's ugly peanutty grinning face pointing at my TV screen as talkshow guest, panel game contestant, etc.

I don't give a shit about you personally, Noel, what you have spent your money on, etc - I want to see your TV show and for you to make me laugh through the medium of surreal plotlines and fantastical characters. So fuck off appearing on every show under the sun and get back into your TV Show box, you poncy, shaved scarecrow.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:57, 8 replies)

PETER FUCKING KAY & MICHAEL FUCKING MACKINTYRE
Observational comedy that consists of them point out the fucking obvious and asking "what's that about"?

CUNTS.
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:54, 11 replies)

Rugby vs Cartoons
Rugby. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching the occasional game now I am a grown up, but when I was little I bloody hated it. Whenever my dad was at home it seemed like the rugby was on. I’d tear home from school, lunchbox swinging in the breeze, eager to watch Daffy Duck call someone ‘despicable’ but when I got to the living room the result would usually be the same - my dad levitating above the sofa screaming ‘GO ON MY SON’ at the telly while a man ran on some mud with the weirdest-shaped ball I’d ever seen. I just didn’t get the fascination so would do the usual kid thing and hang around whining ‘daaaaaad, can I watch cartooooooooons pleaseeee’… ‘how long does this go on for’… ‘can I have chips for tea tonight, daaaaaad’. That poor man, I feel quite bad about it now but I was a kid and it was my job to complain – surely!?

Anyhoo, one particular day I started up my moaning and my dad did something different. Instead of turning up the tv or clamping his hands to his ears to block out my howls, he put the tv on mute and asked me to come and sit with him on the sofa. He gave me a hug, took the tv off mute and proceeded to point out players on the screen. He sat with me and explained the entirety of the sport; who each player was, their position, what their job was etc. I sat with him for the whole game, to me it seemed like it went on for hours, but for the first time they were enjoyable hours. My dads always been a man of few words so to hear him talk at length about anything was pretty gosh darn impressive to me so I sat and listened intently.

After the game he told me that he would be playing rugby in a week or so and asked if I wanted to come and see him. I was actually excited at the concept of watching my dad be the man with the ball so I agreed and my mother took me, my older sister and my younger brother to watch my dad play rugby for the RAF vs NAVY match. I don’t remember much of what happened that day, other than it being bloody cold on the sidelines in the rain but every time my dad ran past me I cheered with all the might I could muster so he knew that I cared.

It’s a shame I didn’t retain all the information he taught me on that day, but I like to think a little bit of it hung around as now I can happily watch a game without feeling like I’m missing out on cartoons!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:52, 10 replies)

Wasps
WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT?
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:51, 18 replies)

Me
I don't get what women see in me. I look like the bastard love child of Chris Evans and Chris Moyles (for those of you who read the Guardian's Media section thing a younger version of Steve Hewlett). Yet I still seem to get more than my fair share of naughtiness and I have no idea why.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:50, 3 replies)

Some types of porn
particularly professionally created 'amateur' porn. Real women do not look like porn stars, they do not wear high heels in bed, and any bloke filming his missus tug him off does not use a £6k broadcast quality camera with good lighting and a post-production process. And as far I remember, I have never been tugged off by woman who goes "ooooohw" followed by sucking her teeth, sounding like a mechanic prior to saying "it'll cost yer"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:43, 3 replies)

Why waste your life...
...getting all angry and upset about something you don't like, rather than directing your precious time and energy towards something you actually do enjoy? I just don't see the point...
(Horns, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:42, 4 replies)

Celebrity gossip
More specifically the morons who are infatuated with this sort of thing. I don't know any celebrities or have anything to say or think about them, It's none of my business. I can't understand why anyone cares about this shit, yet there are literally hundreds of magazines and newspapers being published weekly to inform on which footballer's wife has broken a fingernail falling out of a nightclub. Get a life of your own you fucking spastics!
(davidcompression, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:40, 4 replies)

*Inspired by mrgibbles*
I can't go anywhere these days, much less to a party or social gathering of some description, without a bunch of pricks standing around taking group photos just so they can post them to facebook the following day.

I understand that they may be documenting a potentially enjoyable event, but when you look through photos such as those on any given FB profile they all look the bloody same! You can't even really tell the difference between venues half the time.

FFS just stop it and let me get back to drinking...
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:38, 5 replies)

Practically everything
Ikea - what the fuck? I went to Ikea once as I was contractually obliged to do so. While I was queueing up for the third or fourth time in the process of buying just one fucking chair, there was a screen showing the adventures of Mr. Bean. That was the least irritating part of the whole experience. I know they sell cheap furniture, but shopping there is the most dehumanising experience I've ever encountered and yet some people do it for pleasure. My ex was always like, "Come to Ikea with me this weekend, it'll be fun! You can get a beer and a hotdog there!" Or, I could go to the pub instead and not raise my blood pressure above boiling point.

iPhones, iPods or anything made by Apple generally. They may look nice, but cost twice as much and last half as long. 90% of the apps on there are pointless fucking marketing anyway, and the rest you have to buy from Apple directly? Fuck that. Oh, and the single mouse button thing is fucking retarded. I had to do a bit of CSS tweaking on a client's website the other day on a Mac and it was the most cruel and unusual punishment imaginable; a five-minute job took twenty minutes and at least ten times as much swearing - "Now where's that fucking window gone? How do I get that stupid shitting bouncy taskbar to come back? Where the fuck is the cunting file system? Where's the goddamn fucking taskbar gone now?" Don't get me started on the shitocalyptic bastard piece of wormy virus shit Quicktime that periodically tries to infect my laptop, and you can poke iTunes up your arse too.

Cycling - I cycle occasionally around London if I'm skint and I need to get from point A to point B. It doesn't make me a better person and no-one else needs to hear about it. If I get stuck next to one more person at a party who tries to talk to me about cycling in that smug, superior way again, I'll shove their front forks into their back passage. Cyclists in London are fucking idiots who can't be arsed to kill themselves properly and are just waiting for a white van to do it for them. While being smug and superior about it, and acting as if pedestrian crossings don't apply to them, the inconsiderate stupid fucking cunts. Cyclists on the pavement - all of the above plus I will try and push you off into the road if you come near me.

There will be more of this, mark my words...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:36, 3 replies)

I suppose someone has to
I've found that everytime I wear a suit of armour I suddenly get lifted off my feet because someone has activated an invisible magnet.

I just can't see the attraction
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:36, 1 reply)

'STUDENT!!!!!!' nights
Yawn, snore. Just because I want to educate myself a bit more does not mean I want to ram into some overheated, overcrowded room with several hundred pissed-up, pilled-up mindless twunts to 'dance' to the kind of music that nobody would listen to outside a club, pay £7 for drinks and be dribbled over by men who think 'nice tits' is a suave and sophisticated chat up line.
Give me a nice quiet pub any day, where I can sit down, have a quiet drink and actually be able to conduct a conversation without having to lean over and scream in someone's ear.

While I'm on the subject of pubs...BEER.
Seriously? It tastes of freshly fingered 2p pieces.

And the Mighty Boosh. Just fuck off.
(and now for someone completely different, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:33, 7 replies)

Cricket
Lets throw a very fucking hard ball at someone's shin once a minute. If they protect their shin with a lump of wood they might run back and forth. While others sit around getting pissed watching them.

Utterly pointless.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:33, 5 replies)

Social networking sites
I mean, it’s like a social life for people that don’t ACTUALLY have a social life, right…?

I’m really not interested in reading about which of my couple friends are currently not talking to each other because one of them burned the toast. I’m less inclined to get ecstatic about knowing what the weather is like at the other end of the country. Chances are, it’s going to be better than where I live, and that’s liable to make me a bit grumpy. And I really have no interest in knowing that someone’s offspring has just done their first shit on the toilet. Whoop-de-doo; that’s really quite an achievement. That’s likely to fill my head with images of puce-coloured turds floating in a toilet bowl whilst a demonic sprog bends over waiting to have its arse wiped because it hasn’t quite mastered that bit itself yet. Not so fucking clever now, eh?

I signed up for a MySpace account a few years back, purely because I got a message from a mate who’d signed up and I had to join to read his blog. Which, when I did sign up, I found consisted of absolutely no reading material whatsoever so it turned out to be a complete waste of time. Still, the hawt girlz seem to be falling over themselves to get to know me better. They keep inviting me to view pictures of them.

Which is nice, but I kindly decline their kind offers on account of being a happily married man and all that.

And yes, I know B3ta has a whiff of the social networking site about it, but at least it’s mostly creative, and therefore entertaining.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:32, 2 replies)

Shameless.
It's not comedy or drama, it's a fucking documentary. And boring.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:31, Reply)

I don’t see the attraction in men. Saying that, I am a man and I like to fuck women. Saying that again, I do acknowledge that some men are more hansom than others, although I like to fuck women.

All things considered, I’m not attracted to men, except when, like now, I’m single and therefore for me to have any social life and company on the weekend, I have to spend time with people I’m not attracted to. Men.

Also, women who are attracted to men aren’t blanket in their attraction. For example, most women I know like to fuck men, but on their terms. They say ‘I’m attracted to men’ but what they really mean is that they are attracted to attractive men. Not loseoids like me. Who are attracted to women but spend more time with men.

Am I a lesbian trapped in a mans body? I do like lesbo smut.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:31, 6 replies)

Naming the QOTW wrong
when it should "things you dont like".

Going to be a long week.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:30, 3 replies)

CGI
Or more specifically crap cheap CGI.

Why spend a megre amount of cash on cheap CGI that looks so fake and distracts from the film/TV show just because it can be paid for. Jurassic Park/Terminator 2 may be old but have much better CGI than a lot of new stuff. If it looks shit I won't like it, I understand the attraction of wanting big effects but a smaller more realistic actual prop will be better (The Thing is a good example).

And on the subject of fake looking crap I want to see stunts done for real not in a computer/green screen, I know you want it to look impressive but it doesn't. Whatever can be said about Jason Statham films you have to admit that the stunt work is impressive.
(langers, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:30, Reply)

sex: i just don't get it

( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:30, Reply)

Lesbian Porn
OK - I know this was in the question but I have always wondered about this one.

As a gay man, I have never worked out why my straight male friends get turned on by the idea of two women having sex. Of course, I am at the other end of the spectrum and can't relate to either of the participants (I am not a woman and I don't fancy women) but I don't see what straight men get out of it.

At least with straight porn there is something for everyone.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:29, 19 replies)

Golf
The game as such is fine. It requires a lot of skill and practice, and that's great if you're into it.

But it's the whole arseyness and snobbery thing that gets me. Arbitrary dress codes. Pringle shirts. Playing just because the boss plays. Doing business on the golf course. Not allowing women into the clubhouse.

WTF?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:29, Reply)

Peter BLOODY Kay, Phoenix Bloody nights, the Royle Bloody Family.
To me it appears to be more a case of the audience pouting about being "working class" themselves rather than them actually being funny.

CF Students with drug jokes "Yeah I really get that joke because, y'know ... I've done loads of acid ... "
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:29, 2 replies)

Justin Lee Collins
Don't get me wrong, he comes across as a nice guy... but he's not funny!!!

He'd probably be... amusing, I guess is the best word for it - but he tries far too hard, and fails as a result.

Why do I seem to be the only person who thinks this?
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:27, 7 replies)

I could,
just undo my belt and let my trousers fall down. I don't, because they're there to fulfill a perfectly tidy job of keeping my undercrackers out of your face.

So why oh why does it seem to be a fashion choice?
Don't get me wrong, although fashion never happened to me, I can see style and am extremely good at picking out clothes for the wife for example. Standing in a queue behind some behind is just beyond me.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:26, 2 replies)

Patriotism
I just don't get it. Just because you were born somewhere doesn't make it the best country in the world. Every country has its greatnesses, every country has its flaws. Deal with it. This message should go to every person, but especially every person in the USA.
(unimaginative_username, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:26, 5 replies)

Girls
Specifically, girls who take photos of themselves on nights out, pouting.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:24, 2 replies)

Watching sports in general
I think people who like watching sports are able to kid themselves into thinking the outcome of the game actually matters. It's not like a book or a film where it's designed to resemble realistic events. You're required to suspend your own disbelief. It's like watching a game of chess and thinking the king has actually died.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 16:23, 5 replies)