Sale of Goods Hell
This is a reproduction of a letter (Minus a name or two here & there to protect the innocent) which was sent to the Chief Constable of Durham Police. I used to have a photocopy of the original letter in my possession. I have no reason to doubt its authenticity.

Its reasonably long, but it just gets better & better!!



Dear Sir,

30th April 2001

On the 30th March 2001, I paid the male proprietor of Eastbourne Electrics, Skinnergate, Darlington, £10-00 as a deposit for 2 (two) lantern batteries. The proprietor issued me with receipt no. 14424 and stated that the 2 batteries would be ready within 14 days.
To-day, Monday 30th April 2001, I visited Eastbourne Electrics, Skinnergate , Darlington between noon and 12.30 pm and asked for the batteries.
The male proprietor at first said “The batteries have not come in yet”.
I said “I would like my £10-00 back”
The proprietor immediately said “the batteries may come in on Tuesday or Thursday this week”
I again demanded my money back. At this point the proprietor then said “the batteries may be in my store-room at the back of the shop”
I again demanded my money back. The proprietor then said “Your not getting it!!”
At this point I said “I am a retired Magistrates Clerks assistant and I am going to tell the police about this”
The proprietor screamed in reply “ON YOUR BIKE!”
I left the shop.

Sir, I would like one of your police officers, or, Darlington Borough Council Trading standards to attempt to obtain the return of my £10-00 please.

My name may be familiar to recipients of this missive, as for many years I was a Senior clerk, according to the “written establishment list” at Darlington County Petty Sessional Division and Darlington Borough Magistrates Court.

By the way, as is known to Durham Constabulary, in early 1983, I made a very serious attempt to kill myself, in fact, I was unconscious for one week. The reason for this suicide attempt, and this was the sole reason, was an application sent to the Magistrates Courts Committee for the County of Durham, by a typist employed at Darlington Magistrates Court by the name of Miss [name removed], who had once worked under me at the Court.

The nature of the written demand sent to Durham County Magistrates Committee by [Name removed] , supported by her trade union, was that, she was entitled to
i) My grade on the Establishment at my Court
ii) My salary

I do not know any of the grounds for [name removed] demands to the Clerk of Durham Magistrates Committee.

[name Removed] cost me:-

i) My career
ii) My Health
iii) And was responsible for my descent into alcoholism.


By the way , it is well known in Circles in the metropolis, including Fleet Street / Wapping, that I met, and spoke to the Devil, in the flesh, several times after June 1983, and because of this fact I have sent a copy of this letter to a Priest in my parish as I
i) have no family to speak of
ii) have six serious illnesses
iii) wish to be buried AND NOT [underlined] cremated, perhaps at the expense of the Roman catholic church.


By the way SIR, if you send a police officer to [address removed] with the £10-00 which I am owed, please ensure it is NOT [underlined 3 times]

Detective Police Constable “Tony” Kennedy of “CID Intelligence”

As “Tony” is NOT [underlined twice] the aforesaid Police Officer’s Christian name, and of course , it is, of course, an offence for a Police Officer to consistently, and continually, use a false name for over 20 (TWENTY) years.

I remain your obedient servant.

Yours faithfully etc
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:46, 2 replies)

H&S
Reminded by the post below..

We used to get audited by a proper cunt of an H&S rep who was bereft of any social skills, and would always complain about everything - even if you were under the hammer to get the job in.

She turned up one day to audit us (again) and part of her remit was to inspect the roof - only the fat biffer couldn't actually fit out the access hatch.

So we complained she was medically unfit to be auditing works. That went down well.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:39, Reply)

On finding out a friend of mine worked for an independant television broadcaster.....
......I asked her why the following shows were cancelled:-

Fun House
Bad Influence
Mike & Angelo
Finders Keepers
Mouse Trap
Knightmare
& (Original) Krypton Factor

Same answer for all of them - "Elf & fuckin Safety" :(

Fair point though, would you trust an 8 year old with a go kart?
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:34, 7 replies)

I never has to complain about anything
because mummy sorts everything out for me anyway
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:31, 4 replies)

Tell me:
Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:00, 8 replies)

From my perspective
Working in a call center, I get people complain to me from time to time. Usualy, it's justified, I agree that charging £25 for a CD that costs pennys when the customer already has a softwear licence is unfair. But then you get the venters. A venter is some one who is clearly angry over somthing else, will not listen, will not not think and most importantly, will not stop.

To give you a bit of background, my main role is to activate softwear by giving customers a code. Before this code goes in, the softwear is in what's called trial mode. This can confuse people as they think they need an aditional charge to activate. I then explain this isn't the case and that it's to prevent piracy and make sure they recive relevant information on upgrades etc. This is usualy fine, but there was one woman who was to important to listen.

Straight away as soon as I answer the phone she is shouting. I get her details, listen to the problem and happily offer to fix the problem. She keeps shouting. I tell her "This will only take a few seconds if you'l just follow my instructions." she keeps shouting, her softwear is broken. BROKEN! She demands I fix it, I say "I'd be happy to fix that, if you can just click...." only for her to cut me off with more shouting, how she's going to sue the company, sue me, sue every one involved. "Ok, I can see you are clearly unhappy with us," (pause for screaming) "I can pass you to the customer experience department, but first, I'll get your softwear working again." she assures me she will talk to them, that it's a disgrace, we are crooks etc etc etc. I cannot get a word in edgeways, people sat near me can hear her shouting. I do the only thing I can, I get my book out and read, making the right sympathetic sounds.

The woman has the lungs of a whale, dosen't pause for breath for like 5 minuets. As soon as she pauses, I launch into the usual protocal, give her quick instruction, softwear is active in 30 seconds. She sheepishly thanks me and hangs up before I can pass her through to complain.

That's the thing about call centers, if people can't see you, they feel they can treat you like crap.
(Mong goose, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 9:39, 16 replies)

I was in a fish & chip shop last week
"excuse me", I asked the bloke behind the counter "is this fish cooked?"

"of course" said he. "why?"

"it's eaten all the fucking chips"
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 9:33, 5 replies)

My hovercraft is full of eels.

(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 9:18, 3 replies)

Opposite of topic - not everything in the world is carked.
I had for a long time resisted the g/f's kids' entreaties to go to a certain waterpark type place in a certain Towering seaside resort in northern England, reasoning the place would inevitably be stuffed with, and staffed by, chavs, and that I'd be bound to spend the whole time seething and moaning at how shit the service and facilities were.

I was mentally composing my letter of complaint before I even walked through the door.

Sorry to report that I did eventually write a letter to the manager, but it was about how bloody marvellous all the staff had been. Really. I was genuinely baffled and amazed at how cheerful, helpful and competent every single member of their staff was that I wrote an actual letter, on paper and everything. Of course, this does now allow me to get angry that everywhere else isn't as good, because it's now provably possible to get stuff right.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 9:11, 1 reply)

We didn't have any of your fancy "internet" during the war.
But we didn't complain.
Oh no.
We just got on with it.
Well, you had to, back then.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 8:58, 6 replies)

Prader Willi Blues
My mum was sympathetic to my clumsy manner,
She’d ignore the tripping over and my rambling stammer.
My Father was helpful and would often say,
‘It’s not your fault you have a speech…….delay’.

I’d trip over steps and always drop my toys,
I knew I was different from the other boys.
My excessive weight gain that went not just to my hips,
Not complimented by my almond shaped eyes and thin, down-turned lips.

As I got older and other boys grew taller,
Delayed puberty meant that I remained shorter.
Depressingly obese and with sparse pubic hair,
And a high narrow forehead, life was not fair.

I had a sleeping disorder and excess fat,
A lack of complete sexual development which meant that,
I was often angry, irritable and vexed
As I couldn’t romance the opposite sex.

I have learning disabilities and borderline intellectual functioning,
Diabetes Mellitus, small hands and I’m always skin picking,
I love stuffing my face, to argue and to moan,
All caused solely by my Prader Willi Syndrome.

My stubby little fingers are full of hatred
I hate my Prader Willi Syndrome,and what it’s created
Members of the public treat me with disdain,
Please excuse this poem, I just needed to complain.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 8:57, 2 replies)

Sticking it to the man
I became a first class complainer after an experience last year.
A month out of its 12 month warranty, my Xbox began mangling discs, cracking them about an inch from centre hole. This happened to three discs (including CoD4, at the time, about the only game I was playing).
MS wanted paying to repair it, but I was not best pleased (particularly as we bought the damn thing a week or two before the huge price drop).
Mrs S mentioned she'd seen something on Watchdog about a bloke returning a faulty Xbox, so I looked it up on t'interwebs and was introduced to a fantastic bit of info...

THE SALE OF GOODS ACT

In short, it says that the burden of responsibility for a faulty item rests with THE RETAILER for a certain amount of time. It's vague, but it's at least a year, and anything up to 7 years, depending on what it is. It's based on the idea that if something breaks down 'early' there's clearly an inherrent fault, and it's the retailer's responsibility to repair, replace or refund.

So, I phone the Head Office of the game station from whence I bought the Xbox. (I figured dragging it down the high street and talking to sataurday staffer on minimum wage was not a good option).
Initially the nice lady I spoke to was having none of it.

"I'm afraid if it's more than 12 months old, there's nothing we can do."
"OK", says I. "I didn't want to go down this route, but are you aware of the Sale of Goods Act?"

Pause

"Can you hold the line a second?"

A further pause.

"OK, what we'll do, we'll contact your nearest store, let them know you're coming in, and they'll exchange it for you for a new one, and we'll then send it off to MS and claim it back from them."

BINGO!

One sentence totally changed her attitude, and what she could do for me. The next day I was the owner of a brand new Xbox with a brand new warranty.

I'd say if you try it, you have to be a bit confident, but not aggressive. People in shops and that tend to react better to people who don't shout and rant and rave. Know what you're talking about as well. Chances are the staff in stores (including managers) won't know what you're on about, so ask them to contact their head office for confirmation.
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 8:35, 4 replies)

A repost, but I was quite proud of it.
Dear Prime Minister Rudd,

I am a very happy 32 year-old resident of Australia, who never fails to extol her virtues to all whose ear he is able to bend in the regard.

It therefore came as some distress to me and my 63 year-old mother (visiting Sydney to say goodbye to her dying sister) to be accosted by police sniffer dogs as we exited Town Hall Station.

I am a man who is loth to exaggerate, Minister Rudd, and so I feel a certain anticipation in using the word "accosted" but my mother is quite literally bruised (bruised, sir!) from the encounter with the good pup. So enthusiastic was he to alert his kind masters to the particulars of my personal scent that he broke the vessels under her skin brushing her aside to press his nose between my buttocks.

But I tell you, Mister Rudd (may I call you Kevin?) it was a great comfort to me to see that the young uniformed masters of the aforementioned pooch were really quite eager to see that I was unharmed. They kindly gave me a thorough physical examination and removed all the contents of my bag and pockets in the centre of the station for all to see, and left them on the ground in a very expressively arranged heap for me to pick up.

In my haste to leave these fine officers of the law to their clearly pressing duties, I hope that I did not soil the premises of the station with any forgotten examples of my randomly strewn belongings. If you find any souvenirs of the Blue Mountains obstructing pedestrian traffic, you should be able to track down my address through the Sydney Police, who were almost worryingly keen to know it. I believe they entered me into some kind of lottery, as I saw the word "POT" written next to my captured details.

My mother, being a denizen of a far inferior foreign country whose uncouth ways are comparatively lax in matters of statutory enforcement, was so thoroughly impressed by witnessing her son held spreadeagled against a grating by armed men in boots that I dare say she will not even sleep tonight. Adult men humiliated, middle-aged women wide awake. Every day we just get better, don't we?

I accept, Kevin, that I as a grown man cannot always be trusted to maintain my own moral standards in the face of all the temptations in the world, but can we not apply some more courtesy, dare I say a little gentlemanliness to the procedure of instructively violating my person? Some smiles, maybe a handshake? Certainly after the sort of intimacy the custodians of Sydney's peace enjoyed at my expense, I am entitled to at least a beer.

Yours faithfully,

Ladyfingers
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 7:48, 3 replies)

I told Marco Fiorito
that "I'd rather eat shit than watch your stupid films."

Sorry about that everyone.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 7:27, Reply)

My Dad
bought a {PC for my sister from Radio Rental back in the early 90s. (It was a 386 SX25, which shows you how long ago it was.) It was supposed to be new, but when she fired it up, there were spreadsheets etc on it from a former owner.

Dad wrote a very irate letter in which he blew all credibility by threatening them with exposure on the famous BBC TV consumer rights programme, DogWatch.
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 7:19, 1 reply)

Terrible Woman
I very much enjoyed dressing in drag for "La Cage aux Folles". After one performance, an elderly woman shuffled up to me with her walker. She looked at me with rheumy eyes and said, "you make a terrible woman!". That's now my standard complaint about actresses with limited range (like Madonna). And there's nothing anyone can do about us either.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 6:39, Reply)

I complained about shitty two-party politics
by voting for an independent MP instead of either of the two major parties. Ended up getting $340 million to revamp the local hospital.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 4:41, 4 replies)

I will not buy this record.
It is scratched.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 3 Sep 2010, 4:17, 4 replies)

Been complaining, will continue complaining... not sure how it will work out.
The situation is this.
I was riding my motorbike home in the pouring rain, started braking at an intersection with an amber light, but just as I was about to stop I heard a car skidding and a horn blaring behind me. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a car sliding (in the adjacent lane) toward where I was, so I dropped it into first and took off through the intersection to the other side... where I pulled over and waited until my heart rate went back down.
Then a few days later I got a redlight camera fine for $338.
According to legal advice (I've seen a lawyer already) there is nothing in the road traffic act or any related law that says I have any right to go through a red light to save my arse.
Basically I should have sat there and hoped the car didn't hit me rather than move off to save myself.
So far I've complained to the RTA, the Office Of State Debt Recovery and am plan on taking it to court.
I'll probably get nowhere, but fuck me this is one of the most idiotic situations ever.
( difficultchild, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 3:07, 6 replies)

Not my complaint but...
I work at a print company, we do quite a lot of work for a rather well-known car dealership who always seem to think that they're our most important customer, that their jobs take priority and who often get quite arsey.

We once sent out a mailshot for them reminding people that their MOT's were nearly due; one bloke returned his letter to sender but not before scrawling on it in rather angry biro-strokes:

"I'D RATHER EAT MY OWN TURDS THAN TAKE MY CAR TO YOUR SHITTY FUCKING GARAGE"


We framed it.
(SpongeGavShitPants, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 2:55, 3 replies)

i seem to recall...
Captain Placid had some awesome stories on this topic. Where is he?
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 2:41, 2 replies)

"As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike"
I used to be very British and would bitch and moan about shitty service but never do anything about it and then I had an epiphany and started writing letters of complaint about anything that pissed me off.

Apart from the pleasure of putting pen to paper, you often get a good response, especially if you approach the complaint with humour. I guess the complaints team normally gets to deal with total wankers for not much better than minimum wage. I used the above phrase when complaing about some "premier league muppetry" perpetrated by BT which resulted in a lovely phone call from customer services who gave me a heap of cash and a proper girly giggle.

profit!


Edit: I was most pissed when posting this originally and after sobering up realised that I meant motorbike, not helicopter.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 1:30, 1 reply)

Oh dear God...
...I mentioned that I have a lot of trouble with firms - I can only think it's my name being a somewhat common name that causes it.
A few years ago, I received a gas bill. Pretty normal, I'm sure you'll agree.
I open it up and see that from the 23rd of May to the 25th of May I apparently have used 890 quids worth of gas. Two days! If I'd cut the gas pipes and simply set light to them I doubt I would have used that much, despite their over-inflated prices.
Clearly, it's a mistake. I phoned them up, all joking like: "Ha - I think you've made an error here."
"I assure you Mr.Dchurch, we have not made an error."
"...but I couldn't possibly have used that much gas in two days..."
...this carries on for a while. What started as a polite, even jolly conversation is slowly turning into a slagging match. I give up and put the phone down. It's best to deal with these big firms by letter in any case.
So I set about writing a letter - the tone is jovial and polite.
I recieve a letter back a couple of weeks later informing me that there is no error and that I have used [insert number] units of gas in the period mentioned. I look up their tarrif, and I clearly have not used 890 quids worth of gas - it was more like 67 pence. I write back and tell them this.
They write back saying that if I don't pay, then it will be passed to their "Collections Team" - Ooooooh, don't!
I then received an electric bill - both were with the same firm. This wasn't anywhere near as high, but I figured that if they could get the gas wrong, I'd better check the leccy. Sure enough, it was about 25% out - in their favour. I wrote back with readings (despite a man taking the readings not long ago) and their tarrif, and the workings showing the *real* price.
Yep, they wrote back "There is no mistake, your calculations are wrong".
Nine letters went back and forth.
They eventually wrote me a letter saying that I was correct (I was actually 25p out - I don't know how) and that on this occasion, as a gesture of goodwill they would accept £xx.xx (the amount - I forget now how much this one was).
So, as a gesture of goodwill, and only on that occasion, they would accept what I owed them, based on a price for goods rendered?
I wrote back saying that at the £9.75 allowed by the County Courts Act for my time, that had they taken me to court over the matter as they threatened in no less than 6 of the letters, then in fact they would have owed me £87.85 - about twice what the bill was. I said that I don't accept cheques, although I would accept postal orders. I never heard another thing.
Still though, to this day (some 4 years later) they are still chasing me for the 890 quid for the gas I supposedly used over two spring days.
I really wish they would come good on their threats of court action; for the love of chips and all things greasy, I have tried my level best to resolve the issue amicably. I'd like to see the dressing down a county court judge would give them.
The firm in question, of course, rhymes with Gittish Bass.
(dchurch bah, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:57, 7 replies)

Dear Church of England
My now ex-wife turned out to be an evil harpy.
Can I have refund on the cost of the church for the wedding?

Thanks and regards,

Vigilante Man™

Length? Two and a half years of my life I'm not getting back.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:54, 4 replies)

Satan's own lodgings (long)
I'll let my letter speak for itself.

April 12, 2002

Dear Mr. Sternlicht,

I am writing this letter to express my shock at the appalling conditions in the Ritz Plaza hotel, a Starwood property in South Beach, Miami. At the Ritz Plaza, my wife and I found conditions that would have been unacceptable in a slum flophouse. In a deluxe ocean-view room at a hotel owned by a reputable chain such as Starwood, they were incomprehensible. I am sure that as the CEO of Starwood, you would want to know just how wretched the Ritz Plaza is. I look forward to hearing from you.

My wife and I recently had the misfortune of staying at the Ritz Plaza for five nights. Why did we stay that long? By the time we arrived in Miami and realized how awful the Ritz Plaza was, most other places were booked up, as it was still high season (we checked out March 31). The lowlights of our visit were the urine-soaked elevator and the flea-bites we woke up with after sleeping in the Ritz Plaza’s beds.

We booked our room at the Ritz Plaza online. It was more than $200 U.S. per night. Although we hadn’t visited the hotel before booking, we were reassured by the Ritz name, and by the fact it was a Starwood hotel. Both my wife and I have stayed at Starwood hotels for business and personal travel. Never before have we had a problem.

Upon checking into our ``deluxe’’ ocean-view room (#903), we were a little alarmed by the chipped paint in the hallway and by the fact only one of the two elevators was in service (something which was to continue throughout our stay). A funky aroma of stale cigarettes and god only knows what else lingered in the air.

Inside the room, we had a TV with a broken remote control and only 6 (mainly local) channels, despite the promise of satellite TV. When the TV was turned on, it made loud popping and buzzing noises every 10 seconds or so. The TV wasn’t the only piece of equipment in the room which was on the fritz. When I opened up the ironing board to get clothes for that evening’s dinner in shape, it wobbled back and forth like a see-saw before finally collapsing in a clatter on the floor. I called housekeeping for another one, and they brought one that was covered in brownish, reddish stains that could have been rust, chocolate or blood. Given that we had dinner reservations, I bit the bullet and used the filthy ironing board.

When we came back to our room after dinner, we discovered that the toilet didn’t flush properly. This was a problem which was also to continue throughout our stay. It wasn’t the only problem in the bathroom. Everywhere in the bathroom, paint was chipping off the walls, and many of the metal surfaces in the room were rusty.

As we drifted off to a fitful sleep, we were awoken several times by something which sounded like the helicopter beach scene in Apocalypse Now. ``What in god’s name could be causing that noise?’’ we asked ourselves. We looked out the window to discover that we were a few stories above about 15 large machines that appeared to be industrial-sized air-conditioning units. Despite the fact we were both wearing earplugs and the windows were closed, these things still made enough noise to keep us awake.

There were several other problems we faced during our stay:

--On the way to the beach, in the Ritz Plaza parking lot behind the hotel, there were gigantic shards of what looked like plexiglass, the remnants of some old sign. They were all over the ground for our entire stay.

--The pool bar was almost never open past 5 p.m.

--The lobby bar was open, but never staffed.

--The solarium was being used as a storage facility for cleaning and maintenance equipment.

--The one working elevator would frequently go right past requested floors.

--The walls were so thin that we could hear people in the next room when they were using the toilet -- not a pleasant experience at all.

On our last night at the Ritz Plaza, we smelled cigarette smoke -- a major problem as I suffer from asthma. When my wife called down to the front desk (where she spoke with a person named ``Leo,’’ she was treated with utter indifference. Leo’s first response was that ``some of the rooms on your floor are smoking, some are non-smoking.’’ When my wife pointed out that a sign reading ``This is a non-smoking floor’’ was on the hallway wall outside our room, Leo laughed, then said ``that’s not my problem.’’ Leo finally offered to move us to a room on the third floor. As this would have put us even closer to the loud, industrial air conditioners, not to mention largely eliminating our view of the beach, we took a pass. My wife, because of Leo’s indifference, had to walk down the hall and ask the guest who was smoking to put a wet towel under his door to keep the smoke from filling the hallway. This cut the smoke down a bit, but didn’t eliminate it entirely. This, I might add, was on my wife’s birthday. After my wife left a voice-mail message for the hotel’s manager to mention the smoke incident, she wasn’t called back.

The last straw, though, came during our last two days at the hotel. On each of our last two days, March 30 and 31, someone (a guest? a staff member?) had urinated in the elevator. The stench was unmistakable and overwhelming. On each occassion, it took several hours before staff members made the slightest effort to deal with the problem. The smell was still there when we checked out. Also, each morning we stayed at the Ritz Plaza, we woke up with a few more red insect bites. Given that we kept the windows closed while sleeping, these could only have come from the bed or somewhere else in the room.

In closing, please let me say that this experience has soured me on the Starwood chain, and ruined what could have otherwise been a lovely vacation. Had I known what disasters awaited me and my wife, we would have gladly spent our money somewhere other than the Ritz Plaza.

I look forward to discussing these matters with you, either on the phone or via e-mail.

Sincerely yours,

tuqueboy


As a post-script, we ended up getting half our money back, and a half-hearted apology. Someone also got fired, which we felt bad about.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:42, Reply)

Posh People's Shop Pearoast
Many years ago I worked in the china department in Harrods.

First day of the Sale, we all got in early, manned the barricades, heard the mission control-type countdown over the tannoy that told us the doors were about to be opened, followed by a distant rumble that became increasingly louder until a herd of shoppers stampeded into the department.

A bull wouldn't have stood a chance in this china shop, it was carnage. I even saw one gent pick up a vegetable dish, look around surreptitiously, then stick it in his bag and hotfoot it away towards the table linens department. Perhaps he had a set of napkins on his swag list too?

There was even a story among the staff - perhaps apocraphyl, but I'm inclined to believe it - that in these pre-computer days, with the shop full of friends of staff helping out for the day, some bloke wandered in off the street and set up his own till in the menswear department, ringing up sale after sale after sale, no-one questioning him, before he left a couple of hours later, sans cash register but with pockets bulging.

I digress.

Back in the china department, amid the chaos, a lady of a certain age purposefully made her way towards the till and announced in an accent that could have cut glass - sorry, the crystal department is that way, madame - "I demand to see the manager!"

We explained that the manager was rather busy at the moment, but she wasn't having any of it. "I am a Harrods account card holder," she exclaimed - this was in the days when plastic was harder to come than even in these post-credit crunch, cash-straitened times, "and I demand to see the manager!"

So off I scurried to find the boss, who indeed was rather up to her neck in it, with her boss on one phone wanting to know how it was going, and the warehouse on the other line as she tried to make sure we could get more stock up of one pattern that was selling particularly quickly. She took some persuasion to come out of her office, but reluctantly she did, to be greeted by the account customer and her complaint.

"Tell me," she demanded, "Why does Harrods always insist on having the first day of its Sale on a day when there are so many people in the store?"
(Capo, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:39, 1 reply)

Broadband
A few years back, I wrote numerous letter of complaint to my old broadband provider. I had happily been with them for a couple years with no problems when the time came up for renewal...

I can't remember the name of them now, something 7? I renewed my contract with them and paid a years service upfront in order to get the cheap deal.

When they renewed my line, I lost broadband service. I spent many an hour on their premium rate number and sent many an email trying to get it fixed. I got replies saying there were problems and it was being sorted / looked into but for 2/3 months, I had no service and no internet having paid the money.

It got to the point where I threatened legal action and went to Ofcom, Watchdog and the financial Ombudsman... I kept hearing nothing but excuses. I had paid up front in one lump sum but my bank told me there was nothing I could do as I paid by a debit card and therefore it was my problem! Had I paid by credit card, they would have instantly given me my money back and investigated on my behalf, cost free! There were many many others in the same situation registered on forums and I was told this and that they were being investigated.

Their IT support was crap and kept fobbing me off with excuses as to why it was not working in my area but it would be sorted. Eventually I went to a small claims court and made a summons for the full amount I had paid for no service. Two days later I was fully reimbursed with my monies and had an apology from the company. Fair do's, I was happy and could now change supplier.

It was only afterwards as I went through the router settings that I realised that actually, it was my fault I had not received service as the router they supplied with with was not set up properly and therefore not set up to receive broadband. I felt a little guilty at such a minuscule mistake.

But... I immediately felt better when the next day I saw in the news the company had gone bust and that no one else would receive money back that I was happy I had got out when I did! All they had to do was tell me to set my router to automatically get it's ip address but they spent 3 months deciding it was not worth the hassle...

I feel bad when decent companies go under for offering competitive prices but the fact they charged £1 a min for support service and couldn't identify a simple button click option in the router settings that they gave me makes me happy I was one of the fortunate people to be able to get my money back when I did. Many hundreds of others had the same problem but lost out as the company collapsed the day after they paid me...

Oh well...

sorry for the length... but it was 3 long months with only the same old downloaded stuff to keep me occupied!!!
(Something funny, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:38, Reply)

My boyfriend
is a vegetarian, and got some Sainsburys vouchers that were only for meat somehow. (I'm not entirely sure how, bear with me!) So he complained that as he was a veggie he couldn't use them and they gave him £10 on a Sainsbury's giftcard.

Cheeky bastard! I feel like next time I get a voucher for something complaining "Oooh, that's no good, I won't eat that" and seeing what'll happen. Not £10 on a giftcard, I tell you now!

Length? Veggie sausages are just as good as the real deal ;)
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:36, Reply)

tech support phone scams and championing the little (old) person
Finally, a QOTW where I actually have something relevant and recent to talk about :)

Right, to the story.... (warning - is very long but possibly worth it for engrish lols)

When I was at uni doing comp sci I did part time work as freelance tech support for people in my area. It gave me some cash, I met some interesting people and could fit the work around other commitments. I now work full time in London, but have kept a few clients that I like to help out every so often.

One of these is called Paula. She is in her 70's, so not very good with computers (as were most of my clients) but makes an effort to learn so I like to keep in contact and still help her out every so often. She rang me a few weeks ago about helping her with a few things she was stuck with, and I went to see her for an hour or so to show her how to scan and attach something to an email.

While I was there, she became quite embarassed and confessed that 'I would be disappinted with her' and proceeded to tell me that some scumbag company had spent 2 hours on the phone to her, trying to persuade her to sign up to online tech support. They made her turn her computer on, go in to windows and told her to do something wherby windows would show her an error (which it apparently did, but in windows i'm sure you could dependably trigger an error by doing almost anything in the right sequence seeing as how unstable and buggy it can be.....) and that meant she 'had a virus' and needed tech support.

I haven't really heard of this particular marketing scam before, so im not suprised it bamboozled her, and in the end to get them to go away she agreed to take a years contract with them. They duly took £70 out of her account, and sent her a letter.

Well, once she had explained I was quite indignant to hear what they had done. I provide tech support to her as and when required, I charge very little for it, and sit with her and explain step by step what to do for the issue in question because I am nice and like to help older clients who make the effort to learn. She had absolutely no need of this supposed 'service' which seemed simply a poor excuse for moneygrabbing.

As it happens I like to write anrgy letters to inadequate companies explaining exacly how crap they are and have had previous success with other companies doing exactly that, so I decided to see if there was any chance I could get these con artists (by threats or otherwise) to give her her money back. While I was there, I scanned in the letter they sent her confirming her subscription, and emailed it to myself.

After reading through it, I found out the name of the company and their website www.365helpdesk.co.uk/. Thinking about how to best go about complaining, i didnt know how badly suspect this company was, so didnt want to go giving out my personal email to them as they might try to hack in to it or something equally evil, but also didnt want to bother checking any other accounts, so I found a password protected email forwarding service (mailexpire.com - v useful for different time period expiring email accounts) and set it up to forward mails to my real account. I went to 365 helpdesk's website, and submitted the following message:


Hi, I help out an old lady who you rang up and bullied in to using your non-existant services. I do all her computer administration and provide her with technical help and was absolutely disgusted that a represantitive from your company cold called her, subjected her to two hours of nonsense and pointed out a supposed 'error' to her in windows that meant she should subscribe to your poor excuse for a service. I am writing to ask that you give a full refund immediately to the account with invoice 123456789, a Mrs Paula A. who you charged the ridiculous sum of £70. She has no need of your services, you will never provide any useful service to her during the supposed period of the implied support contract and you have pressed an elderly and vulnerable person in to paying for something that they cannot afford and have no need of.
If you do not reply to my request and refund all money immediately I will report you to trading standards, publish your company name in several UK wide circulated newsletters and report you to every newspaper I can get hold of (as well as posting your website address on a well known chatroom where I will ask for as many DDOS attacks and any other business harming and website crippling attacks as I can solicit). Your business practises are underhand, your website and letters are done in poor english which looks very unprofessional and your website is very badly coded for a supposed 'IT Support' company. Also your capatcha is very badly done.
Please respond to my correspondance immediately with a satisfactory resolution otherwise retaliatory stepts will be taken.


After my rant at their crapness in general, and threats about posting their dastardly deed on 4chan or similar (as the anonymous collective have been so community minded meteing out justice for cats and hopefully in the near future puppies, I thought they might help a little old lady too) to solicit any possibly future retaliatory steps that may have been necessary had they been complete con artists who simply told me where to stick it, I waited to see whether I would recieve a reply, and a day or so later this is what I got (which gave me quite a few lols if nothing else):



Dear Miss Smith ,

In Short, please don’t be offended or understand these words as unprofessional but “ We loved your request / comment to us”.

Let me get to it a step a time

You are enraged at the totality of the current matter and it would not help if we go on praising our own services, fact is You Yourself are capable of providing technical help and are assisting Mrs A gives us some sense of relief as an elderly person problems are attended to.

Refund – Its yours [Mrs Pauline A] Money and it will be Refunded in full. As you can understand the workings of any “poor excuse of a service” company anywhere on the Planet will call up the actual person in question on the Telephone or email “on Record” and reconfirm the Refund Request. We will call up Mrs Pauline A at an Appropriate Time Tomorrow and proceed with the Refund Request.

“Bullied”
Will ask our Sales Guys to be more considerate and not “Pushy”. Sorry but sales staff do tend to get carried away, a common trait [malaise you would say] to every industry.

“your non-existant services” “never provide any useful service”
Well if you ever have a Computer Technical Problem you would like assistance in – you can make a request on the same form you used here and all the above words will vanish.

“ posting your website address on a well known chatroom where I will ask for as many DDOS attacks and any other business harming and website crippling attacks as I can request”
Please – Protesting, Not Agreeing, Demanding Action [Refund in your case] is all Legal. Threatening is Not Yet Legal. Please Refrain from Actually writing it down.
A Experienced and articulate person like you, with understanding of “ business practices are underhand” cant do exactly the same one opposes or “your website and letters are done in poor English” use poor selection of English Words themselves to Express their feelings.

“looks very unprofessional and your website is very badly coded”
I cannot agree with you more. Our Designers have done a pathetic job and Please visit www.365HelpDesk.co.uk in say 4 – 5 Weeks Time. God Willing We expect to have a “Perfect” Site befitting the Line of business we are in.

“Also your capatcha is very badly done”
Unbelievable – but you are right again

“Respond to my correspondence”
we are

“Satisfactory Resolution”
Offcourse Be Assured.

“retaliatory stepts” aha One Spelling Mistake Here, Would Definitely Like to See you and Us do what we do Best, i.e. take Care of Computers. No “retaliatory” Mode here. So This Correspondence is final and Refund will happen as you want.

Sorry, but the above was not exactly Business like, but loved “corresponding” anyways.

Regards
Team 365


Well, at that i was amazed they had even bothered to get back to me, let alone the hilariously bad english reply and their attempt at at least some 'professionalism' and suggestion that I dont make threats because of the lack of legality (and the spelling correction at the end was the coup de grace).
Late that day they went on to send me a second message stating they they had tried to call Paula (on a Saturday!), but had no reply, and would try again on Monday.

I have sent Paula a mail asking her to confirm if she has indeed got her refund, but am quite hopeful that it will go through soon considering their replies thus far, and am feeling very satisfied at my complaint getting a result and am happy with a complaint well done *grins*
(PixelGirl unlock the mind...unmind the lock, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:28, 3 replies)

Christ, I must be Victor Meldrew...
...but reading through others posts, I am reminded of a parking ticket I got not so long ago.
I reverse parked into a space - or what could only be seen as a space, given the fact that there was about 30 other cars along the same stretch of road - on night after a gig (around 2am when I finally got back home - I'd moved in about 2 days before and didn't really notice that there were double yellows all along the road).
In the morning, of course, I had a nice shiny ticket on the screen.
It was then that I noticed the reason for why I hadn't noticed the double yellows:



I think you'll agree that even in daylight these could hardly be called "Double Yellow" anything.

I sent pics off to them with a letter explaining that the road was not a lit road, and that I had parked there at night, making it even more difficult to see the lines. They replied that it was bad luck and that the signage - about 300 yards down the road - was ample enough warning, and that I had to pay.
So, I didn't. I waited. Then I got a "Notice to Owner" - a quick googling will show that this is a legal document and as such has to abide by many rules. The least of which is that you are given 28 days to either make payment, or make representations. The letter gave me a date. A date that was 28 days from the date that they wrote it. Unless they couriered the letter to me the very same day, then I was not being afforded 28 days, I was being afforded about 25.
I wrote back saying that I still believed that the lines in the road were a disgrace and that I had written to their FoI office for documentation informing me when the lines were last inspected (as they are legally bound to do), and that as they disagree, perhaps they might like to think again based on the evidence that I had not been granted my legal right.

Got a letter a week later telling me that no further action would be taken in this instance. A week after that the silly buggers repainted the lines. It was then that it was discovered by the British Legion club on the same road that the road was, in fact, a private road, privately owned by the British Legion and they had to come back and scrub the lines out.

Daft fuckers.
(dchurch bah, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:28, 1 reply)