Parent and Child Space
A couple of years ago I became a daddy. Go me and my fertile loins! Anyway, one day, probably a Saturday, family Nitrous drive in to the car park of our local Supermarket looking for a parking space. In the near distance we spot a parent and child space, but before we can grab it, some bloke in a Jaguar, who clearly has no right to be there, nabs it before us.

"Excuse me old chap" I say "you do realise that you have mistakenly parked in space meant for the use of families with children? Perhaps you could move your Penis-Mobile and let someone who has actually had sex with girl park there instead?"(or words to that effect)

The guy just grins and says in his best pidgin "Sorry, no speaky da English"

Fine, I thought, I'm not in any rush, I've got time to kill. So I take down his licence plate, march up to the information desk and report the cocky little fucker.

A message goes out over the Tanoy and small-penis is politely summoned. This is his opportunity to admit that he is in the wrong, or, even better, move his car. Instead he becames increasingly indignant trying to insist that it is his god-given right to park where he likes because he spends more money in the store than people with babies. Weirdly his command of English gets much, much, better, and his command of Anglo-Saxon is quite extrordinary. In fact his Anglo-Saxon is so good that the Manager of the store is called to deal with the situation. Anyway after spending a good few minutes racially abusing the staff the manager decides to ban him from the store for good.

Moral of the story: If you get caught out, don't be a cock about it, admit that you are in the wrong and try and salvage some personal dignity from the situation.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:22, 12 replies)

Doesn't always work...
I was in my local - a pub which I have frequented frequently over the many, many years. In fact, they've had so much of my money over these years that I should by rights own the fucking place outright....and some.

Anyway, one night I pop in there after working my way through the other two pubs in the village. I got a pint (I believe it was Heineken, so it must have been after it got better), went to take a sip and as I did, my nostril hairs catching fire almost immediately gave me cause to pause and take a whiff.
Good job I did too - stunk of rotten eggs. Rotten eggs that Jo Brand has farted on top of after eating 4 day old cheeseburgers and not having a shit for a week. Stunk.
Choking, I put the pint back on the bar and called over the landlady.
I held the pint up to the light to show her that through this so-called 'lager' you could barely see the light on the wall through it, and invited her to smell it.
I said "I can't drink that, it's rank"
She looked at me, and said - "You'll drink it and get out."
I replied that I would drink one that didn't smell of eggs and one that I could see through, then I'd get out and wouldn't be coming back. Ever.
I got a new pint (of something different), drunk it, and didn't go back. Ever.
She went bust about 8-9 months later, and it was turned into a strange fish and chip restaurant (strange in as much as it's clearly a pub and is Grade II - no really where you'd expect to find a chippy).
Now, I'm not saying it was entirely my not going there any more that bought in the receivers, but if that's the way she treats loyal customers, then I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did to be honest.
(dchurch bah, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 23:01, 1 reply)

free chips!
i was at mcdonalds and i found a burnt chip in my chip holder thingy, i purposely waited until i'd eaten nearly all my chips, then i went to the counter and complained so got a fresh load of chips :-)
(bamslower i like cheesecake..., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:53, 4 replies)

Another Landlord story
I'm sure the qotw will be full of these by the end of the week.

Note to Coventry people beware of a lettings agent that rhymes with "Gluewood" since it is run by my ex-landlord.
Anyway back in 2007 Mr C-S and decided do get on the property ladder since we neither qualify for social housing and were sick of loads of our money going to someone and seeing no return from it.

So we got a house put an offer in blah blah all well and good and all we had to do was wait while the wheels turned.

We had our suspicions about him since he seemed a bit of a wheeler-dealer - he had let slip about a cluster of interest-only mortgages and that he owned four cars. We had to re-seal our bathroom since the cheap 10-thumbed prostidroids he had paid to do it had just put new sealent over old with the result that the kitchen had a novel water feature above the cooker. That and the fact he kept calling me 'sweetie'.
There were some issues with the house. Like the 9 months he took to replace the rotten front windows and only got the job half done. Same with the kitchen window and door only he didn't think about repairing the lintel.

Now just as we had got our offer accepted we came back one night to find we had been the subject of an attempted break-in. Fortunatly the door held so we did the normal police/insurance and contact the landlord

No response. So I kept on contacting him with Mr C-S even though we gently reminded him that should there be a subsequent break-in he would be liable.
We come back from work again to find that there has been some action from the landlord. A To-Let sign. Still no repair. Cue more phone calls to Landlord's office. In fact the window would remain broken right until we left 6 weeks later.

Cue large numbers of prospective tenants coming to view the property. This is what you would expect but we hadn't even got a moving date and our landlord seemed a stranger to fact that they must by law give 24 hours notice to current tenants. It wasn't unusual to come back from work and groan at the lettings agency peon "who are these people and what are they doing in the house!?" They didn't tend to stick around long after that.

Now we finally got a date and since we had paid up for the last month we had agreed with the landlord that if he letted out the property before then end of month he would refund us the difference. We cleaned up the house well and made good any wear-and- tear confidant we would get our deposit back.

The end of the rental period approached and we awaited our landlord to contact us to inspect the house, check the inventory, hand back the keys and get our deposit back. The last day came, still no call so Mr C-S and I went to the house to check things out. We go to the house, open the door and find a surprise all right. A large pile of other peoples stuff and the kitchen window is still broken. We feel it is best to leave quite fast and just has we are out of the door the new tenant's car pulls into the driveway. No doubt he's wondering what the he'll is going on. So we explain who we are and point out the defects like the broken window and the sagging brickwork above the kitchen door and the half-finished work. We also express our concerns that we cannot get hold of him, that there has been no inspection and we still have the keys to the house.

Now we start phoning to demand our deposit back and the rent excess which was £700 in total. We were greeted with various excuses like he's on holiday, he's in India having surgery, his third grandmother has died etc and by the end of May (we had moved in April) we started on the letters. These were polite and to the point as it was clear to us that he was a stranger to returning deposits - he had in the past only rented to recent immigrants and students who did not know better.

Finally just in time for our July holiday we get our deposit back but not the excess and we finally hand back the keys. Although Mr C-S is satisfied with this I was not since we were still £100 out of pocket. So August came and so a new letter campaign started along with phonecalls. By now were where such frequent callers to the office we were almost on first name terms with the staff.

One day, a surprise - the landlord phones ME. Says he is in a meeting and then pours an impressive rant about how we are naughty ungrateful tenants and that we have mad him cry by colluding with the new tenant and encouraging him to leave without notice. (in reality his son had bought him a house). So since we were such naughty children we didn't deserve the £100 "goodwill" money*
He did not call me 'sweetie' once in that exchange.

That might have worked if I was 5 and didn't have a rangy dad but that was not going to wash with me. After the threat of the Small Claims Court went unneeded I decided one last letter with the big guns: my brother the baby barrister. He wrote a very polite, concise and above all very threatening letter with all the above points outlined such that if he it did come to the small claims court he would most likely lose and that we did not take kindly to defamation of character by insinuating we were demanding money we were not entitled to.

Next week the landlord contacts Mr C-S and hands over the £100. Result!

So the moral of this is check out the law, know your rights and be persistent.

*Words are different if not the content or the tone.

edited to correct spelling and wierd line breaks. The perils of posting from a mobile device...
(Cockroach-Sombrero Cook Pass Babtridge, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:10, 3 replies)

Complain?
I am a very rich white man, who has never worked a day in his life - I can't complain about anything.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:09, 3 replies)

Those were the days.
A few years ago when I was working for a well known chain of second hand shops based in Notting Hill Gate, one of my colleagues was presented with a rather large pile of crappy vinyl to price. The customer, on hearing the meagre offer for his precious records, became very agitated and stormed out of the shop, pausing only to threaten:

"I'm going to be waiting for you when you finish work, you fucking twat."

A couple of minutes later he returned and once again approached my shaken colleague.

"By the way," he said, "what time do you shut?"
(Haywood Manley, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 22:07, 1 reply)

Not me but a friend...
Worked as an arboricultural assistant for a small company, surveying the suitability of pre-development sites with regards to protected trees etc. One such client was a supermarket with a name very similar to Fresco. Anyway Tesco failed to pay him the ~£500 fee for his consultancy on one particular job, and after repeated calls to head office got the same reply "the cheque is in the post". This became a little grating after three months so the chap went in to his local store, loaded up the trolly with various electrical goods etc totalling approximately £500 in value. When he came to pay he told the tilljockey to put it on his "account". She promptly informed him that the supermarket doesn't operate a customer account system, and he'd have to pay. He demanded to see the manager who came over and began to argue, all whilst a massive queue is building up behind them. The chap starts to get particularly vocal about the company's refusal to pay for their contract, and at the same time refuses to move to one side or leave the store. Eventually out of sheer embarrassment the manager calls head office, and a cheque is couriered out to the store within the hour. Just goes to show being a stubborn cunt and making a scene sometimes can get you exactly what you want :D
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:58, 2 replies)

An open complaint letter to a house mate
Dear house mate,

Complaint 1: You're excessively loud. Just because you're up at 6am doesn't mean everyone else is. Therefore, there is no need to sing/stomp/slam doors as if it's the middle of the day. The same goes for: just because you crawl in from the pub on a school night and want to watch TV in the wee hours, doesn't mean everyone else wants to listen to shite ITV3 programmes at full volume.

Complaint 2: You steal my food. Buy your own you goddamn thieving pikey. We're not students, you earn more than me, you could afford your own goddamn butter. And it is actual stealing as you don't ask/tell/replace. People go to prison for the act of stealing, does that not tell you something?

Complaint 3: You don't appear to be house trained. Not only do you not know where the kitchen sink is, you don't appear to know where the toilet is either as you're aim is pretty shit. No pun intended.

Complaint 4: You don't pay your way. You live here but you don't appear to think you have to pay for it like the rest of us. Wrong. (I've also just heard you have a hissy fit about not wanting to be the 'keeper of the house bank account' - suck it up, you live here too, someone has to look after it, but not me as I'm not making up for your short fall every month.)

Complaint 5: You have a way of thinking you're not the problem. When any of these issues are raised you're really good at arguing why you're not in the wrong. Wrong again.

The sad thing is that you are in your late 20s. I almost want to have a chat with your mother to find out what went wrong.

Two fingers up from your extremely irritated house mate.
(The cat's PJs If my eyes are closed you can't see me, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:33, 7 replies)

The French
I live in France. Customer service here is so laughably bad its unreal - nobody gives a toss. A large part of the problem is that once a company has employed someone its almost impossible to sack them, so 99% of minimum wage shop workers really, really couldnt give a shit about any problems as they know they can get away with being lazy cunts.
I long for the days of Tesco, where they act quickly and generally solve things in the customers favour even if it means them taking a loss - they are more concerned about their image and the loss of future sales to an unhappy customer. I returned plenty of stuff over the years to UK shops and when I tell people here how stuff was normally swapped or refunded there and then with no quibbles and often no receipt, they simply dont believe me - behavious like that in France is the stuff of fairy tales.

Just a couple of days ago I bought something from a supermarket. It was priced at €19.99 on the shelf, but came up at €21.99 on the till. When I told the girl, she didnt give a toss - plenty of huffing and pouting and shrugging ensued and she told me to take it or leave it, and I could try to take the price issue up with the customer service desk afterwards. I paid and went to the desk where there was a lot more shrugging, huffing and pouting from the staff. Eventually we trudged across the shop to see the price, trudged back and they then spent a while fannying with a computer -huffing all the time in that very french way. Eventually, the money was refunded and I went on my way. Sure, victory was mine, but it simply was not worth the effort. The whole episode took about 20 minutes during which I was treated rudely, accused of trying to cheat them and when they were proven wrong, given nothing by way of apology- for the sake of €2.

Then there was the Deep Fat Fryer Incident. I bought a chipper which packed up after about 6 months. I still had the recipt and the box so back I went. No exchange though - it had to be sent away for evaluation and testing. This is for a €40 chipper! after many, many phone calls, the odd letter and several trips back to the store, they admitted it didnt work, and was not worth repairing so they gave me another. Start to finish there took slightly over 3 months. THREE FUCKING MONTHS. I had just bought another one from a different store by then.

Its the same story with the utilities...EDF, France Telecom etc etc...all staffed by lazy, jobsworth cuntstains who do not give a fuck about anything aside from clocking off on time. Calling any of these companies generaly involves them telling any lies they think they can get away with ust to be rid of you.

I love France, but a dose of UK customer service training would do wonders here. Most places are staffed by cunts who do not care, and complaining on gets you more cuntishness in return. Everything is made so deliberately difficult that most peopljust give up or dont bother in the first place.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:21, 7 replies)

Generally a fruitless effort
and much akin to shouting at the tide. One person on their own cannot possibly hope to stem a tsunami of incompetence and/or ineptitude, and tbh these days I just cannot be arsed complaining about anything other than not being paid. Check me and my zen horse-shit.

Having said that I did moan like a proper cunt today when Edinburgh council decided none of their parking meters would accept mobile phone payment - but to no-one other than myself. Futile.

Although, I have to admit I do have a soft spot for The Time Waster Letters.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:14, Reply)

you want a complaint? fine, i'll give you a complaint
Dear Virgin Media,
WHY IS MY FUCKING PHONE DEAD, YOU HELMET-WARBLING JIZZMONKEYS??? it wasn't dead at 6 o'clock, when i got a call from my mother, BUT IT IS NOW! WHY?? my bill is paid, my cable t.v is working fine, but my phone has as much life in it as Mae West's twat. i suppose i could tell you all this, but I CAN'T FUCKING USE MY PHONE, YOU USELESS, PISS-SODDEN, GUSSET-RIDING MINGEWIPES! you waited till i had no credit in my mobile, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? you know i have to SIT here, with NO PHONE, until i can phone you from my mum's house tomorrow! GAAAAAAHHH!!!!!


seriously, don't piss me off when i have P.M.T....
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:08, 32 replies)

Self service machine train tickets
Has anyone else noticed that the ink on these tickets fades to invisibility within about a month? I usually save up a bunch of travel tickets to claim the cost back from work when there is a reasonable amount to claim (say £50 rather than £14.20 or whatever the single ticket price is)

I've had to stop because lots of tickets I went to claim back were suddenly essentially blank! I want to file a complaint.
( speedyballbangpots, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:06, 9 replies)

complained about the level of bullying at work....
was told "Well we did bring it up at the interview"

FFS! if someone's behaviour is so bad that potential new members of staff have to be warned should they not get rid of them?
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 20:54, 3 replies)

Oh, forgot, I got a new car by complaining.
It took about a year of random faults, lights coming on and off at will, wipers not working, spurious warning lights on the dashboard, engine cut outs on a dual carriageway at speed, accelerator jamming on etc. After the tenth or eleventh time of returning my Seat Ibiza Cupra I refused to take it back from the garage unless they could guarantee they had resolved the faults in writing which they were unwilling to do. After a few thinly veiled threats which were ignored i detailed my issue directly with Seat customer care in Germany. They got the garage to send the car back to the factory whereupon it was discovered to have a number of faults in the ecu and the wiring, in short they had sold me a genuine deathtrap and I was lucky to have survived. They gave me a brand new car and used my old one to train factory workers how not to build a vehicle.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 20:54, 4 replies)

Complaining in person
Having worked in a normal shop, a fast food restaurant and a call centre while progressing my education, I've become sympathetic to the front line staff - if I have a problem, I explain the situation, iterate that I realise it's not their fault and try and get them on my side (reserving my shouting for those in a position to actually do something about it).

Five years ago I was nowhere near as sensitive and far more of a cock.

My mp3 player developed a fault (headphone jack was FUBARed) so I went into PC World to replace it. As I'd got £15 off it due to an offer when I bought it, I decided to check up on the Sale Of Goods Act in case of any potential problems. Good thing I did really. They weren't able to give me a direct replacement as they were out of stock, so I chose one of a slightly different design which happened to be £5 more than the price I paid for mine. So we get back to the till, he scans them in, takes my details and says "right, so that'll be £5.02 please."

Me: "No it won't."

Tillmonkey: "Yes, it's £5.02 more expensive than your one. Company policy states that we have to take payment to make it the same price."

Me: "I don't give a toss about your company policy, UK Law states that "if a product is found to be faulty after less than six months use the customer is entitled to a direct replacement. If such a replacement is unavailable the customer is entitled to a replacement of similar specifics at no extra cost". And your company policy is against the law."

*Manager wanders over*

Manager: "Is there a problem?"

Tillmonkey: "No, not at all."

Me: "Yes." *puts crash helmet on desk. Manager and tillmonkey visibly pale* "Your tillmonkey here doesn't know the Sale of Goods Act of 1979 and is trying to get me to pay an extra £5 because you happen to be out of stock of a replacement for an mp3 player that I'd had for four months before it broke through no fault of my own. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm soaked to the skin because it's raining outside. I'm also extremely hungry, and very low on patience. Are you going to waive this charge, or am I going to have to start writing letters to Head Office, the local press and Trading Standards?"

Manager: "I think we'll ignore the £5.02."

Me: "I think that would be very wise."
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 20:45, Reply)

Does anyone remember...
...the one about the hotel guest and the missing soap. It did the rounds about a decade ago and involved a whole sequence of polite complaints and responses.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 20:44, 3 replies)

Three out of Three
A letter to tesco
I was excited by the opening of my local tesco store that I even took photos of me camping outside for the opening time. On the first day of opening I bought a dougnut with a spider in it.... I got a tenner
blog.90nz0.com/tesco-letter/

A letter to Subway
Ditto with my local subway, but I was disapointed with the sorry looking food.... I got four voucher books
blog.90nz0.com/subway-letter/

A letter to the every sushi shop in the world
I really really wanted a sushi/japanese place to open up near me, two months later, it happened... I go here at least once a week now.
blog.90nz0.com/sushi-southgate/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 20:01, 1 reply)

I once stayed at the Ibis in Hull..... the first and only time I have been to hull.... or to an Ibis Hotel
www.ibishotel.com/gb/hotel-3479-ibis-hull/index.shtml

Long story short... No on-site car park (have to use multi-storey, but no mention of that on the website) Woken up in the middle of the night and kicked out into the street by (what the morning receptionist described as) a faulty fire alarm system. Went to multi-story to find car had been broken in to.

so... at the time, ibis promised that of your stay was spoiled by something which was their fault you would get a free stay. I sent of a polite but strongly worded complaint.

several weeks later, I got a letter, which was unfranked.... I had to pay £1 or whatever to retrieve it from the post office.
it was from the Ibis group.
they denied it was their fault. the (lack of) information about the carpark was standard. the fire alarm in the middle of the night was not a fault, it was caused by another guest smoking in a non smoking room.
basically I had to pay for the privilege of being told 'tough cheese'.


I hope I have cost them many times the amount I paid by repeating this story at every opportunity, to everyone who mentions 'Ibis', or 'Hotel' or 'Complaining'
(essexfriend, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 19:46, 1 reply)

Pretty much all the time...
..when I had the energy for it.

Now I simply ignore firms when they inevitably fuck up.
I got so blaze with getting my bank charges back that I was on first name terms with Abbey's in-house solicitor. I once sent this:

-----------------------------------------
|                                       |
| We will return the charges      [  ]  |
| We'll see you in court          [  ]  |
|                                       |
|                                       |
|---------------------------------------|
|                                       |
| Signed: ____________________________  |
|                                       |
| Date: ______________________________  |
|                                       |
|_______________________________________|

Sadly, they just returned the dosh (this was the third time I'd sued them - twice for me, and once for the misses) and neglected to send back the form that I included for their convenience. Pity, I was going to frame it.

I have an extremely common name, and because of this I think I get more trouble than most when it comes to firms and their cock ups.
I used to quote "their reference" and mine. Mine was usually things like "My Ref: INCMPTN/SHTS" or "WSTOFSPCE" or some such.
I moved house a couple of years ago, and phoned the council to tell them that I'd be at such and such address from such and such a date. After a few months in my new house, I hadn't received a council con bill, so I phoned them...and again a few months later. Then I wrote to them. And again a couple of months after that. Eventually I got a bill for the sum of £0.00. That one I paid...by ignoring it. A month later I get a court summons for not paying the entire years worth of tax. I would gladly have gone to court to show the incompetents up for what they were, but the misses was getting quite worried and ill over it, so paid it (luckily, I'd guessed at a monthly amount and put it aside for the day they eventually got it right).
It turns out that they had sent a *final* bill to my previous address, some months after the date I informed that I was moving. Because that bill wasn't paid 6 days!! later, they started proceedings against me.
I found this quite sinister, and clearly some sort of trap. I informed my MP also - although, I got a letter telling me that he'd look into it and get back to me - still waiting 23 months later.
I got them to drop the extra court charges they added, but no apology, no 'sorry we're a bunch of idiots'. Nothing.
Then there was the time that someone bought me a "Rally Day" at Brands Hatch from Red Letter Days. A week before I was due to go up there, I got a letter telling me that it had been moved to Chipping Norton - some 200 miles further north, meaning a 400 mile round trip for about 20 mins in a rally car, instead of the booked up 80 mile round trip. I phoned and said that we'd just have the money back instead. Oh no. Apparently not, in the small print - which I didn't read, as it was a gift - it states that they can pretty much do as they please whenever they want to and you have to lump it.
I said that I'd like to see that stand up in a civil court, and they replied "Tough shit" - although not in so many words.
So I sued. About a fortnight later I got a cheque, I waited until it was cleared (can't trust these fuckers), then stopped the proceedings.
It seems that they too didn't think it would stand up in court.

Anyway, there's hundreds more, but like I say, these days, I simply ignore them - my blood pressure is so much lower these days.

/rant
(dchurch bah, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 19:37, 4 replies)

So I had a graphics card, a Sapphire HD4870
Which was a lovely little card and worked for slightly under the one year warranty before it started giving me graphics corruption and crashes all the time.
So I return it to Novatech, they check it and send it along to Sapphire to see if it can be repaired. After a month or so of pointless waiting it transpires that it can't be, so I am called and told a replacement is being sent out.

Oddly enough, it's not a HD4870, it's a HD5670 - which looks like it's better on paper. It's part of a newer range, but my old card was top-of-the-line when I got it whereas this 5670 was released as a mid-budget card. Long story short, Sapphire price-matched my depreciated card to a current model, and i've not gotten an equivilent replacement at all.

So I nip over to Novatech and explain my case, and am walking out within minutes with a brand-new HD5770 (slightly better than my original card and certainly more expensive). They were perfectly reasonable about it and joined me in slamming Sapphire for trying to rip me off.

So basically Novatech are pretty good when it comes to their customer service. I've not had cause to complain after dealing with them for a good few years now. I recommend them pretty highly.

Story not all that interesting, but then I don't return a lot of stuff or complain much.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 19:36, Reply)

I went to my bank to get some money out to pay a garage bill....
and the ATM just laughs at me because there's no cash left in my account. Furious, I stomp into the bank and wait in line huffing and generally ensuring everyone knows I'm pissed off until I get to the teller.
She asks me how she can help today. I, in my best Brian Blessed booming voice, start yelling,
"How can you help? How can you help? How about telling me why I can't get to my cash to pay a bill even though I've had my wages paid into my account every thursday for the last 2 years without fail? Eh? How about you tell me why I can't get at it now?!"
She lifted her left hand and pointed to the calendar and says,
"Probably because it's Wednesday?"

I must have stood there for about a minute before I did the only thing I could do.
"Very well then, I'll see you tomorrow"

A nice old lady just chuckled at me as I tried, and failed, to leave with anything like dignity.
( NooShmoo It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 19:32, 1 reply)

Bizarrely
I did once complain at a pub that the cider tasted wrong. The barman wouldn't have it at all, but I was positive it wasn't right. I demanded to speak to the landlady in a fit of semi drunken piqué . She took one sip spat it out, had a go at the barman and gave me free drinks all night.

Result!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:57, 3 replies)

A pregnant pause and a parking ticket
Picture it if you will it is a snowy February 28 2005, the roads are grim and gridlocked and my wife has just gone into labour. The ambulance cannot get to us so I squeeze the water breaking other half into the car and make our way to the hospital at the pace of a drowsy snail. I arrive at about 9 am and manage to find a parking space in the hospital reserved car park and load it up with pay cards to last for a couple of hours figuring I can pop out and update once she is settled in. Luckily I can do this and bung on a further six hours of pay cards. As the snow falls and the hours pass suddenly the baby is getting caught up in the cord and fouling it's ovarian Bastille so it's straight off to theatre for c-section mania.

When I finally emerge from holding my newborn child into the chill air sometime around 9 at night after being kicked out by the nursing staff I am knackered yet thrilled with the joys of fatherhood and guess what, yup a parking ticket for £80!

I ring to explain, "Sorry sir it must be in writing if you want to appeal" Fucksocks! I dutifully write a letter, explaining that clearly I couldn't really get back to the car ( as the maternity ward were willing to confirm) and that if I had been fare-dodging I wouldn't have bothered putting any cards on and that in the snow every other bugger was abandoning their cars on the side of the road. Would they let me off, would they arse. So I sent them a cheque payable to "hitler and his parking cronies" and explained that I could finally understand why traffic wardens were so reviled and copied my letter to the local paper. A response arrived three days later thusly:

"Dear Number5,

We have reviewed your case and are willing to accept your explanation and have now cancelled the ticket."

They
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:52, 4 replies)

I knew of a guy
who was complaining about the orange juice going bad and the apple was on it's way too. He told his friends that all the juice was bad, get rid of the juice, and WWII started! He couldn't just tell everyone it was a misunderstanding, no one would've listened anyways.

The moral? complaining gets you nowhere and now I can't have the only mustache I'm capable of growing because of one fucking guy!
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:33, Reply)

The Company I work for
A large US Pharmacy, two syllables, has a color in the name, will resolve every complaint to the customer's satisfaction. I've been told to refund a lady $2 for a $1 item because she didn't like it, and I had to give her $5 for the trouble of her coming back to the store to return it.
Our pharmacist had to give a guy 30 free percocet because the guy said he was shorted 30 from his 60. Percocet is a CII narcotic, it must be counted in triple. The stock bottle has to have the quantity updated after every fill. There is no way he could have been shorted 1 pill, let alone 30. What my company did was ILLEGAL, and I complained about that. They got away with it as it was a "customer service issue."
So any merkins, complain to the big corporate pharmacy and they will do whatever you want, no matter how stupid. I've seen it for over ten years now.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:10, 3 replies)

the bath that wasn't
i live in what is known locally as a granny flat, a small, one-bedroomed flat on the ground floor of a 2-storey building. i don't care that it's small, it's just the right size for me.
the bath, however, wasn't. it was roughly two and a half feet long and had clearly been made specifically to be crammed into my tiny bathroom. to wet my hair without pouring a cup of water over it, i had to have my legs up the wall and a tap practically wedged up my nethers. it was utterly ridiculous. i decided to complain thusly:

Dear Sir/Madam,
I have just moved into ** ***** street. i am enjoying it here, although i would also enjoy being able to bathe without having to go to my mother's house. the bath here is tiny. seriously, you could use it as a jelly mould. i tried to bathe in it last week and, unfortunately, i got stuck. it took me twenty minutes to get out of the bath, which was longer than it would normally take to wash myself. now, i'm sure you will agree that this is unacceptable. as i am not the circus midget for whom this bath was clearly designed, i would like to request that you fit a shower cubicle for me a.s.a.p.
i apologise for the green pen, but i've lost my blue biro.

sincerely,
Smash Monkey.

i got my shower fitted, 2 years after i moved in. it's a good job i'm double jointed or i'd have had to stand in the bath and pour water over myself.

before anyone says it, i couldn't buy one of those showers that fit onto the taps, the water pressure is so low that only a trickle comes out of those showers.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:08, Reply)

Regions Bank
Just earlier this week, I sent a complaint to the BBB(Better Business Bureau) and the Federal Reserve.

Last week I was approved for a loan of $900 for a laptop purchase by my credit union. Best Buy had an hp pavillion, everything I needed. When I took the check to my local Regions branch to cash it, I was told "no."
"Why?" says I.
"It's too late in the day to cash a check." comes the reply. It was about 4:30 pm, near end of the day, they close at 5.
I explained my reservations about depositing said check because I know those take a few days to post and the sale ended Saturday.
"Sir, I assure you the funds will be in your account immediately." she says.
IMMEDIATELY MY BLEEDING ARSE!
I couldn't buy the laptop Saturday, nor Sunday. On Monday I went back to the branch, spoke with the branch manager who basically told me that it was too bad. I called the customer service number from the branch and talk ed to a polite young man who spent 45 minutes telling me same thing.
So I complained to the BBB who redirected me to the Federal Reserve who are currently telling me that Regions Bank are lying cunts and I've been advised to join a class action lawsuit against them for withholding funds with no proper reasons.
My complaining may get me about $100.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:01, Reply)

American Express Yourself
My ex worked at American Express, in the customer service department. One day they received a package containing a card which had been carefully rolled into a tube shape, and a tub of Vaseline.

The message was clear...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:35, 5 replies)

I tried to complain.
The way my finances work, I have to take some cash from my joint account and pay it into my credit card (on top of the direct debit I have going in). This happens once a month. I duly took the money out, walked into the bank and put it onto the plastic.

Next month I got charged for not making my minimum payment. So I got straight onto the 'phone to the bank, having the paying in slip in hand, and proceeded to berate the lady at the other end for their incompetence.
"The payment doesn't show up on our records." She said, again and again. I even considered going to the bank in question to see if they had any record of the transaction.
I got increasingly irate at the situation, and re-iterated the score to a supervisor, who confirmed just what the previous 'phone monkey had said.
I double checked my position, then triple checked. Did a double take and burst out laughing. I'd used the joint acc. card to withdraw the cash, walked the five yards to the bank, and promptly paid the money straight back into the joint account. I was still on the 'phone to the supervisor, so had to apologise most profusely! (She took it well though.)

This sort of thing always happens to me, I get up on my high horse on one of the few occasions I feel I have a gripe, and it's usually my fault!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:29, Reply)

A letter of complaint from the dawn of time...
...well, the early 1980s anyway. This fuck-up left me seething with rage and I dashed off a letter which went something like this:

From:
Mr Punch
[Company Name]
Aberdeen

To:
Spare Parts Supplier
London

Dear Sirs

Thanks for your prompt action in sending those spare parts we needed urgently via Red Star.

As you may be aware, they didn't turn up as promised and you advised us to take it up with Red Star, which we have now done. The package was eventually tracked down to the Red Star office in Glasgow, because that's where you or one of your minions sent it. When I phoned you to ask what was going on, the person who answered said 'but Glasgow's just down the road from you, isn't it?'.

For the record, Aberdeen is around 150 miles from Glasgow - a six hour round trip by car.

When preparing the invoice for these parts, please remember to deduct:
1) Red Star charges
2) £250 for my time and petrol to go to Glasgow and back
3) another £50 for the time and trouble spent finding the package
4) any further sums you feel appropriate

Yours etc.
Mr Punch

They never invoiced us. This was for about £3,000 worth of stuff. It definitely pays to complain.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:28, 1 reply)