People who ask a personal question
"Do you have children"

"We've had 3 miscarriages, and we're waiting to start ivf"

*tumbleweed* (unless I'm talking to someone who thinks they now need to tell me about their aunties friends neighbour's boss who has been dealing with a COMPLETELY different or unknown issue than us, who did ivf and now has their baby. PLEASE don't patronise me because I have done my research and the chances aren't great anyway)

If I'm feeling less charitable or can tell they're just being nosey its: "Yep. Three. Buried in the garden"

Nobody wants to hear about dead babies, except in a joke on b3ta
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 5:17, 78 replies)

I don't mean to sound unkind
but what happened to just 'we're waiting to start IVF?' I'm not sure an innocent question needs answers like the latter, even if they are being nosey. Maybe I'm not seeing the bigger picture here.
( Bats, Mon 16 May 2011, 5:37, closed)

because in my tiny little head, I do have children
kinda no mans land.
I'm no stranger to being pregnant, but I'm still not a 'mum'.
And miscarriage has singlehandedly been a hugely redefining point of my life and yet also the most isolating too. And most people don't acknowledge that there was life, however many cells it got to, and there were still dreams, and we were parents, however brief. I maintain, ask a personal question, be prepared for a personal answer. Isn't that how we get to know one another? Or do we talk about American Idol and trivial shit till we die?
Five years ago I wouldn't have thought it was such a big deal, but now I know it is, for lots of people. I dunno, woffle to you, makes sense to me.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 6:02, closed)

The missus had a miscarriage last year
f*cking awful. At the time I was immensely saddened but I saw it as the 1 that got away but I definitely get the dreams and aspirations etc. Had my snip since then but we inherited a cuckoo from a junky sister-in-law so there you go. Yes I know that's COMPLETELY unrelated but good luck with the IVF.
Give your bloke some cuddles because despite the notion - wanking into a cup was one of the most demoralizing and humiliating things that I've ever had to do.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 16 May 2011, 6:55, closed)

Thank you. Should be in the next 2-3 months.
A bit terrified, am a needle-wuss. Bloke gets plenty of cuddles but will give him more.
I know he's gutted about it all too, and fortunately we have close family/friends that acknowledge his sadness too,yet I know blokes often get forgotten about. He has wanted kids for about 10 years longer than I have.

I call it the pressurewank. I know that doesn't help probably, but I'm trying to keep us giggling, and I do hear that the pressure wank isn't a bag on funspurtz for you blokes (although would GLADLY exchange right now for the needle through my vaginal wall sucking out the follicles off my ovaries). Always good to hear from those who have been through this too

Cheers
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 7:16, closed)

Have a hug from a bloke with the t-shirt
Just the one in our case, at around 11 weeks. It tore us up for quite a bit.

I well remember the pressurewank, along with the frantic phone calls arranging for a relief driver (fnarr) to collect my HGV from the clinic. I had been 100 miles away when they called MrsScars to tell the implantation window was open, and my boss couldn't have been more helpful. His name, for even greater values of Fnarr, was John Thomas.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Mon 16 May 2011, 9:29, closed)

win, win, win, win, win, etc.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 16 May 2011, 9:35, closed)

thank you, Scarredone. Our longest one was around 14weeks, but stopped developing a bit earlier
Its more insiduous than you would expect, isn't it?
Yay to your boss and yay to John Thomas - better than fiction. Hope it all worked out for you in the end
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 11:33, closed)

She's 15
Good looking, charming, enraging and wonderful.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Wed 18 May 2011, 13:25, closed)

yay to happy endings for you!

(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:50, closed)

It affects about a quarter of pregnancies and between a third and a half of couples
so the chances are that you are spoiling for a fight with somebody who has also experienced miscarriage. Asking if somebody has children is a perfectly normal, arguably even clichéd, way to start up a conversation. If you genuinely don't want a conversation then maybe consider staying in the house or wearing a burkha. Otherwise you are simply being obnoxious.

But good luck with the IVF. Try not to be a horribly passive aggressive parent.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 8:57, closed)

Spoiling for a fight
If this had been written by someone else, I would have taken it a bit more seriously (for b3ta) but seeing as its the resident troll who probably should have been a miscarriage, I expect nothing more.
Obnoxious? Pot/kettle. Fuck off back to /talk? Is that how it goes?
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 9:20, closed)

It was a perfectly serious response.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:01, closed)

sorry. I couldn't tell
Thanks for your well-meaning advice.
In which case, if we are being serious, is it appropriate to ask how long ago and how many have you and your Mrs been through, and if you have children now? I'm not going to chuck gender-generalisations around, but I do know that I and a lot of other women who have been through this grieved very differently (not saying less) than our blokes. But I do accept that some people this doesn't touch as much as us and if you are one of them, so be it. Also wonder if you did have live kids, if that changed how you viewed your loss. Also sorry this has happened to you/your Mrs too
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:27, closed)

How am I supposed to react to a stranger feeling sorry for me about something we've both acknowledged is so common that it has to be considered normal?
This is something you should be talking to friends and family about. And maybe to a midwife or other health professional. It's not something to throw into a pub conversation as a deliberate 'conversation killer' or to start discussing with complete strangers on a website dedicated to stupid pictures and games involving pubic hair and swearing.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 17 May 2011, 8:01, closed)

I'm "not feeling sorry for you" at all
I was just trying to bridge something, I don't know what. Never mind.
Have talked to friends and family and health professionals at the relevant times, I don't see how that is even relevant to this. I accept what is happening and thought I was open enough to talk about this with 'strangers' without getting upset, blah blah blah. And I have been. Must work on my stiff British upper lip though.

I've obviously overstepped the boundary of appropriate topics for here with my mentalness. Back to pubic hair and swearing then.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 8:30, closed)

Well you said "sorry this happened" ... not sure how else to interpret that.
There aren't any real boundaries of appropriateness on here (more's the pity in some cases) but it goes both ways. If you're going to post personal things then you're going to have to expect disagreement or downright unwelcome responses. Instantly labelling disagreement as "trolling" is just weak. Although seemingly par for the course on qotw.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 17 May 2011, 10:01, closed)

Dunno, was just acknowledging that at one time it might have been a bit shitty
for you, despite it not turning you into an obnoxious anti-social fucking mental. I definitely don't feel sorry for you.

Disagreement? I guess, like I keep saying, its in the delivery. How something is said?

Can't imagine where I got the idea you might be trolling
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 19 May 2011, 11:03, closed)

Shockter, you started well with your "facts" (I don't dispute them but peer evaluations please)
after that you yet again turned into a shit-stirring cnut. Unless you actually have something to say related to this thread then try not to be a horribly passive aggressive, obnoxious person.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 16 May 2011, 9:20, closed)

To be fair...
I'm kinda with Shambolic on this one (*shock horror*). I think you can reasonably expect to ask a question such as "do you have any kids?" without expecting someone to return with "I had 3 but they died and are buried in the garden".

I am sorry for your loss and all that, but if every time someone asked an innocuous question they got a 100% honest response would make life a bit awkward for everyone.

"Alright Dave, how are you?"

"My fucking dog died, my Nan's in hospital and my girlfriend says I'm shit in bed. ALRIGHT?!?!?!?"

Just saying like...

EDIT: Yes, I am aware that response is saved for when you're feeling less charitable, but I still think even saying we had 3 miscarriages and are waiting on IVF is more than someone could reasonably expect unless a close friend.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Mon 16 May 2011, 9:52, closed)

Ok scenario as close as I can think of it
Your mum has 2 kids, yourself (who is capable of attachment and feelings) and your sister. You both get on really well (ie no family feuds) but your sister unexpectedly died 18 months ago.
Every week people, in the normal course of conversation with strangers, look at you, make a judgment on your appearance or age, and ask you 'do you have any sisters?'
Do you say no, and let that person think you've grown up an only child, denying the existence of a person who had an impact on your life and the person you are now, or do you say 'yes', but allude to the fact that she is no longer here? (I know, depends how you are on the day and who the asking person is)

No right answers I guess, each to their own.
This is my own.
People look at me, in my mid-thirties, and make an assumption. If there is not a fucktrophy hanging off my tit, then no, I do not have kids. And I don't know the exact WHO stats for infertility (1 in 8 US couples) and much as I hate to concur with the Shamblyone, one in 4 (although according to my well-informed source, more likely to be 1 in 2 pregnancies will miscarry (although that is not 'official' stats, just from someone whose day-to-day dealings are on miscarriage). Its common but people often don't think and just blunder in.

I wouldn't swear in the delivery with a stranger. And it wouldn't come across as aggressive as your example. I reckon honesty is possible in most scenarios but like I said, its in the delivery. That said, I don't often get asked to go clothes-shopping with girls as I WILL say if something looks hideous
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 11:28, closed)

Sorry for all the sadbits, you must have had a lot of tough times.

One question though - do you think that you'll feel the same way about the question if the IVF works out and you have kids?
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Mon 16 May 2011, 12:13, closed)

good question, I'm not sure
I have heard of people who do count the first losses as their kids and that question makes them also wonder what to reply with.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:29, closed)

Very true!

I hope taht IVF works out for you, and that you have some lovely kids and that this whole issue becomes easier for you.

Ignore the haters, while they're riled at the tone of your original message (was a little full on), i'm sure that if they had looked a little deeper, more would have laughed along with your (pretty dark) humour in the face of some painful memories.
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Tue 17 May 2011, 17:38, closed)

yeah, funny that its ok to 'not beat around the bush' in any replies to a post
but that 'not beating around the bush' irl is so frowned upon.
Gotta laugh, if you don't . . . the universe implodes(!)
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:49, closed)

Asking people if they have children is not "blundering in".
It is a normal and well-intentioned conversation opener. Interpreting it as a personal slight and going on the attack is, in psychological jargon, completely fucking nuts.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:29, closed)

excuse my crap choice of words
somehow when I saw your comments and before realising your seriousness, I went on the defensive.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:30, closed)

covered yourself well there, an edit packed with conditionals...
simple as this: when asking a member of the public a question, unless the question is rhetorical then don't assume you know the answer before you ask.
golly, a society trapped into asking "questions" just to appear polite.
Wankers.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 12:12, closed)

If you are having a conversation with someone you don't know, I fully expect that you never ask a single question and instead just talk constantly about yourself in a dull monotone.

But for people less stupid than you, asking questions about every day things is a way of getting a conversation going, and involving the other party, as it's a bit difficult to have a conversation on your own.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 May 2011, 12:59, closed)

even on my most autistic of days i engage with people in conversation and allsorts, isn't life amazing.
maybe it's just cos i actually care about people, or whatever, but when i ask a question in conversation or whenever, then it's because i want to hear the answer.
cos i'm interested.
why else?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 13:14, closed)

So if you were to ask somebody if they had any kids
you think it's perfectly reasonable for that person to deliberately try and make you uncomfortable by saying "No, I have no children, they are dead and we are having real problems conceiving"

Rather than just tempering it slightly to say "No" and then maybe steer the conversation away slightly.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:17, closed)

i wouldnt be surprised or shocked if that happened, the emotional strain involved is incredible.
it brings out all sorts of reactions, traumatised people do all sorts of crazy shit.
i wouldn't let it get in the way, though.
surely just because someone has been damaged by something horrible doesn't mean they're not entitled to be treat with a degree of normality?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 13:34, closed)

Bollocks.
If upwards of a third of couples, including me, can manage to cope with miscarriage without turning into obnoxious anti-social fucking mentals then why can't we expect this poster to manage it?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:05, closed)

I don't consider the op to be an obnoxious anti-social fucking mental.
Pots, kettles and blackness.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 16 May 2011, 15:19, closed)

they are certainly leaning in that direction.
it's a perfectly reasonable question to be asked although in my experience one that is never required because people with kids are so fucking keen to tell everyone about them.

in fact, that's going to be my response in future
"do you have kids?"
"if I did you'd know about it, because I'd have bored the shit out of you about them by now"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:25, closed)

One of mine did a poo this morning.
Would you like me to describe it?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:30, closed)

naa, I'm good

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:34, closed)

HA! I'm going to describe it anyway because this is apparently the prerogative of parents.
[insert poo description with pictures and sound effects here]
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:38, closed)

SONOFABITCH

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:45, closed)

That was one of the sound effects.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:50, closed)

I hope this is true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:55, closed)

This. Oh lordy this.

( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Mon 16 May 2011, 21:06, closed)

The first response in the OP is the usual response
I felt it concise, objective, and usually stops further talk of "don't leave it too lates" and "why nots".
Someone in that conversation is always going to feel uncomfortable, huh? And if its 10 seconds of awkwardness and a changed topic, so be it, better than me going home bawling my eyes out again because someone hasn't known when to leave it alone.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:34, closed)

Covered myself?
No, merely more acknowledged that response wasn't 'the usual' as pointed out by the OP.

I don't assume anything, nor do I force my life's tragedies on anyone who cares to ask "how's it going Galahad?"
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Mon 16 May 2011, 21:53, closed)

It was a perfectly serious response.
Which part of it do you have a problem with?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:03, closed)

IVF messes with your hormones.
Maybe that's the reason for the frankly unwarranted backlash.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Mon 16 May 2011, 21:44, closed)

I can understand the original poster overreacting.
I'm just a little baffled who these other cunts are and why they're leaping up to defend the argument. They can't all have bollocksed hormones. Some of them's balls haven't even dropped yet.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 22:49, closed)

o hai
Shambo's little shadow
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:36, closed)

A measured response.

( WormuIus, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:56, closed)

Completely fucking wasted on the shrieking feebles on here.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:04, closed)

also, if it affects so many pregnancies
I would expect other women to have been through this (and indeed it has happened). Rather than a conversation stopper or a fight, its actually opened up a new direction of conversation. As you probably know, miscarriage and infertility is rarely talked about openly, there's a real sense of shame and 'hide it in the closet' but I've actually found everyday people who relate and 'get it' rather than seeing me as being obnoxious!
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 7:11, closed)

So what's wrong with saying "Not yet, no. Maybe someday." and talking about something else? Your problems, no matter how unfortunate they are and how miserable they make you, are not other people's and if you go around inflicting them on others you'll end up getting a reputation as self-indulgent and obsessed.

There are nice, simple replies to the question. Just give one and move on. God may be out to get you, but casually conversing humans aren't.
(ubergeekian, Mon 16 May 2011, 11:35, closed)

Firstly, best of luck with the IVF treatment. My own biggest fear is not being able to have kids when I'm in a position to want to do so.

Secondly, I can appreciate the pent-up frustration, even if I can't relate to it. The issue is that said person is trying to start a generic conversation out of pleasantness, not out of spite.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People

1) Never criticise
2) Smile

I completely agree that suppressing what you'd want to say makes toxic bile rise internally, but unless they're good friends, it's not going to help and will just fuel animosity. We're kidding ourselves that whoever asked you the question really wanted to know anything other than "yes/no" before you asked them a question and they then rattle off about whatever they'd hoped to talk at you about...

I hope this isn't coming across as patronising - just that I've been a selfish cunt for quite some time and the above has helped

EDIT: Just read your username! :(
( elgordo, Mon 16 May 2011, 12:23, closed)

username came first, before all this, self-fulfilling prophecy?
Thanks, yet I'm not out to win friends or try and 'be liked' etc (can't you tell?!). Although that linko might be useful for other people . . .
You're damn right about the fact people not really wanting to know the answer, my god yes!
I still maintain its in the delivery, its not likel I am screaming this in people's face
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:44, closed)

I always thought your dirtbox was your arse

(Nanny Pat vote for me, Wed 18 May 2011, 14:56, closed)

me too
unless fistula(e) are involved
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 19 May 2011, 11:18, closed)

No doubt if someone asks casually how your are
You tell them.

In detail.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:02, closed)

She gives them a complete run down of just how awful having a miscarriage was
including showing them a small book of polaroid photos she took at the time.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:05, closed)

actually, since forever, I have had the stock answer of 'fine'
Then asked them how they are. That usually does the trick. I have never said otherwise.

I don't describe the actual fun and frolics of the miscarriage, only if people have asked. And I shoot with Canon not Polaroid
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:49, closed)

How should they react?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:19, closed)

They should stop being so feckin' nosy shouldn't they Roota.
How dare people pry into her personal life with their questions.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:20, closed)

No I mean when she says she's had three miscarriages and is about to start IVF, how should they react to that?
The tumbleweed response is no good, nor is nervously babbling about some vaguely similar situation they can tenuosuly link to her experience (which I'm assuming they only do so as not to give her the tumbleweed response and make her feel bad.)
Should they maybe say "Oh my god that's awful. How are you coping?" Because I'm sure that if people start doing that she'll be back on here in a few weeks saying she's fed up of being simpered at.

I want to know how I should react in that situation, that's if I'm ever insensitive and intrusive enough to dare say to someone "Do you have any kids?"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:26, closed)

I have to say that your insensitivity and intrusivness
has always been your biggest flaw in my eyes.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:28, closed)

Your bathroom flaw has always been the biggest flaw in your house
because you want your wife to find your fat dead arse in there when you die on the bog like Elvis.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:32, closed)

Nope. How many 'woe is me' posts have I ever put on here
(out of all both of them)? If your question is actually genuine, then I'm still thinking.
My initial reaction was to wonder why someone wants to know?
I'm looking for helpful webpages that say it so much better than I can, since my words seem to come across as 'self indulgent and obsessed' or whatever.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:58, closed)

I generally give people a multiple choice questionaire that they fill in before we start a conversation.
Have you ever been involved in a personal tragedy relating to the following (tick all applicable):
* football
* the weather
* the eurovision song contest
* holidays
* your job
* the weather
* kids these days, eh? what-are-they-like!?
* that thing on the telly last night
* the weather
* so how do you know John/Sarah/Monty/Isabella?
* I wish they'd turn the music down in here I can't hear myself think
* can I get you a drink?
* what LOVELY shoes!

That way I can steer my way through the tedious clichés of social interaction without risking being on the end of an emotional dump.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:36, closed)

Can't say as I've ever had an emotional dump. A few have brought tears to my eyes, granted, but no fond farewells as they slid around the U-bend.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 16 May 2011, 16:21, closed)

Some of mine I can't flush until I've played Billy Holiday's version of "I'm a fool to want you"
while sipping absinthe and staring at a crumpled photograph of a long-lost lover.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 16:40, closed)

I'm afraid I'm with Dr Shambolic
and althegeordie on his one. It's inappropriate to expect strangers to have an innate knowledge of what questions are not right. For someone in their late thirties, children is obviously a possibility. You're deliberately choosing to make strangers uncomfortable, by making your very personal grief public.

What's wrong with a non-commital 'none yet, but we're hoping' or 'no luck so far, but fingers crossed.' If you say it in a final tone, that's conversation finished in that direction. Now you can ask them how they are, even though they lost their job last week, and the bank has told them they might lose the house, and the last fucking thing they want to talk about is how they are.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:28, closed)

I'm suspecting that she might have just engineered her response so that she can share her experience
and I'm sure it's been pretty shit for her.
I think really she knows it's the situation and not people asking an innocent question who are at fault.
She'd be better just coming on OT and telling us all about it. There'd be no need for the cloak of QOTW then.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:31, closed)

Cloak of QOTW?
Off topic scares me. This is the first and last time I post (anything not made-up) here.
To be honest I did think twice about posting this, but its that rare I actually think of anything that fits the weekly topic, so I went for it.
Guess its showed me I'm not in as good a place as I thought with this
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 7:04, closed)

my 'very personal grief' has been
grieved, er, personally. This isn't grief.
This is potentially the way this is going to be for us, and I'm getting used to it. And maybe this isn't the place, but whats with that cultural norm of grief being all squashed away out of sight? Put on the happy face at all times?
As I mentioned above, this was kept VERY personal, yeah there may have been a few public tears in response to some stupid comments, but I pretty much hibernated through the worst of this
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 7:02, closed)

There's a reason we don't share stuff with strangers
a) those strangers don't want to know
b) those strangers might not react the way you want or think they should (see this thread)

It is grief. As you said above, you might not be dealing with it as well as you thought you were. In which case you have family, friends and medical professionals to share with. It's called boundaries. Polite society has them for a reason
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 19 May 2011, 3:05, closed)

Polite society?
ok
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 19 May 2011, 11:40, closed)

I think that kills conversations becuase you're being rude.
Try not being.
( WormuIus, Mon 16 May 2011, 13:56, closed)

Nah
People who think they deserve to know everyone's personal business under the guise of 'polite conversation' ought to be taught otherwise.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Mon 16 May 2011, 17:29, closed)

it's not exactly digging to find out people's intimate secrets.
yes, the circumstances aren't great, but it's a completely innocuous question, most likely asked in all innocence.

Common fucking courtesy works both ways. Perhaps the question shouldn't be asked, but that doesn't make it right to get uppity or to make someone feel horribly uncomfortable with the unpleasant details.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 May 2011, 18:31, closed)

if you feel uncomfortable with the first response delivered with a smile
and a soft voice then thats your call. There's no unpleasant details, no descriptions of dead babies, blood eternal blood and clots, just a short clear sentence
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 7:06, closed)

Thats odd, I think it kills less convos
than rohypnol, Maddie or paedo talk
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 7:07, closed)