I like it when pedants get upset.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 16:46, 8 replies)

Writing "less" when you mean "fewer".

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 16:16, 17 replies)

When people put an apostrophe in a possessive pronoun or adjective.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 16:15, 1 reply)

The morning of my father's funeral
A tear came to my eye first thing in the morning. I'd discovered my first grey pube, and pulling it out stung like buggery.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 16:06, 1 reply)

I kid you not I have just had tears of laughter. A woman that I have seen round and about these parts
has just come to the door to try and persuade me to take her


Avon catalogue. If Fatty Rob Carehome were a woman, he would be a supermodel compared to this genetically mutated unwashed mess. I know that Avon have no scruples with their business model but really they should at least ask for a photograph and ask the person if they have the basic clue about beauty and hygiene products.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 16:01, 16 replies)

Stubbed my toe.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 14:57, 3 replies)

That bit in the cartoon where they successfully manipulate my emotions

( Zuowan, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 14:57, 1 reply)

people who start sub threads and then delete them mid-excitement

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 14:17, 11 replies)

the number of alleged adults on here getting upset about cartoons, children's films, low-budget sci-fi and computer games is certainly enough to bring tears to the eyes.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 13:37, 26 replies)

Not much makes me cry.
There isn't much that makes me blub, but there are two movies that do.

Firstly, Spirited Away makes me shed a little tear. Secondly, The life aquatic with Steve Zissou, because when he finds the elusive shark it's just....beautiful.

Pulling out a nose hair makes my eyes water.....that's the same, isn't it?


Noose peg.
(Noosepeg Muff punched your grandma, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 13:24, 9 replies)

I'll cry at a packet of crisps at the moment
My dad has terminal cancer and 3 months, my wife is in the process of leaving and my job is so shit it drives me nuts. Needless to say, I am going mental.

I shed a tear at the beginning of Guardians of the Galaxy when the little boy sees his mum in hospital.

When not fucked in the head, I'll have a sob and a moan to The Little Mermaid (in that order).
(King Keepo has absolutely no idea what he's doing, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 12:33, 19 replies)

That bit in The Terminator
Where Reece tells Sarah why he went back in time.
(Eukanuba, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 12:23, 1 reply)

Taking your mum from behind
While she was chopping onions for your sunday dinner
(Moag_R_Brainbow kicks the mods dog to death out of pity, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 10:34, 9 replies)

The film Greyfriars Bobby caused an emotional response. I had to ask my mother why the dog
was not picked up by the dog warden and then put down if no one wanted him.

Apparently. people were not impressed with me when Mij got killed in Ring of Brightwater. The correct response is not, "Good, vermin!"
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 7:20, 8 replies)

Babe, the Pig
When my father passed away in 2009, I went through the entire funeral and burial without a tear. Yet afterwards, sitting in a motel room alone watching the movie "Babe", when Babe the piglet overcomes all odds, wins the sheep herding contest, and restores a close relationship with his farmer, that's when the tears fell.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 5:22, Reply)

I once cried at the end of an episode of Futurama.
It was one where Fry gets angry because he thinks his brother stole both his identity and ambition, yet it was his actually all his brothers son who was named in his memory. It probably wouldn't have hit me quite so hard if I hadn't lost a brother when I was younger. Then again, I cried at the end of Captains Courageous too yet I never lost a fisherman mentor off a schooner on the Grand Banks. Maybe I should just trade in my testicles...
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 2:01, Reply)

Robin Williams Death
made me feel a bit mis.
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Tue 12 Aug 2014, 0:39, 41 replies)

When my invention failed to secure funding on Dragons' Den
Skip to 45:50 for my star turn,

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b04dq778/dragons-den-series-12-episode-4
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 21:32, 1 reply)

Many Many Things
Before I had children I thought that crying was for southern nancies... Then I had children, and I cry at every fucking thing. I've also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and had a bit of therapy (many issues from an overbearing father); that's unblocked most emotional things. So, top 10 at the moment...
10) The first part of 'UP' - sobs with snot.
9) The end of 'Toy Story 3' - shivering gulping sobs.
8) When either of my children says 'I love you daddy' - silent dripping tears.
7) The end of 'Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence' - stunned silent dripping tears.
6) The soundtrack to 'Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence' - see above.
5) My wife talking about the song that Howard sings Bernadette, and then she gets teary - hugging shaking sobs.
4) 'The JCB Song' - Usually driving so quiet weeping.
3) Borrowing money from my parents because life has been shit this year - No eye contact, lots of wobbly lips.
2) "Daddy! My Daddy!" - can't talk, or breathe.
1) Thinking about all of these things, writing this list - gaspy, snotty and stupid.

No, I don't know why I did it to myself either.
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Mon 11 Aug 2014, 20:36, 40 replies)

She thinks she's the passionate one :(

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 19:24, 3 replies)

I had a Phall once.
It was pretty hot.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 18:15, 14 replies)

red hot chilli peppers under the bridge
omg totes emosh!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 16:47, 6 replies)

i ate a chili once

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 16:10, 3 replies)

My first encounter with chillies
Ma0sm's Gaylord curry house story reminded me of my very first encounter with chillies. This took place in the strange alien world that was the 1970s, when we thought that curry was yellow stew with currants in it, and "spicy food" meant a bit of pepper sprinkled on top. Since I was about 9 years old at the time, I had probably never eaten anything hotter than a ginger nut.

I was a latchkey kid, and alone in the house after school. Mooching around for something to do, I played with the pet guinea pig for a while, then started picking out the sunflower seeds from its food - tasty and nutritious! Now, it turns out that sensitivity to capsaicin is not universal, and presumably guinea pigs are immune to it. I discovered this when I chomped down on a seed that had a small piece of red vegetable attached to it - which turned out to be dried (and hence concentrated) chilli pepper.

Very quickly the heat started. I had no idea what it was, and started to panic. It burned more than anything I'd ever experienced - maybe because I was young and tender. That often makes things burn, especially the first time. Apparently.

I started to run about, flapping my arms in panic, and moaning like a moose being buggered by Bigfoot. Desperately I tried to find a way to stop the searing pain. I quickly discovered that drinking water didn't help, as we all know, and I was beginning to think I'd spontaneously combust at any moment, as the heat continued to build and build, and my lips got redder and redder. I was panting like I was giving birth to triplets, and my eyes were bulging like Rubber Arnie at the end of Total Recall.

Finally, I had a brainwave: I lunged at the freezer, wrenched open the door, thrust my head in, and buried my face and tongue in the ice that had built up on the shelf. In my memory there were great gouts of hissing steam at this point, though that's probably just the effect of watching too many cartoons. Whatever, the ice was having an effect, and I slumped down, half inside the freezer, thankful that, as long as I kept my head buried amongst the frozen peas and arctic roll, I may actually survive the ordeal.

It was of course at that exact moment that my mum came in from work...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 15:48, 13 replies)

You know when a pube gets caught between foreskin and bellend and does that thing where it tries to slice into your cock like a piece of cheesewire
and you can't sort it out because there are children around?

That.
( Muns, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 14:02, 16 replies)

Gaylord
I was out a few weeks back with for a few drinks with Lloyd around Clapham (he doesn't live in London, so it’s a convenient middle ground) and after getting a bit drunker than intended for a weeknight we decided to head to The Gaylord for a curry.

I do like curry, though am very much a medium spice man and have never had the insecurity to eat inhumanly hot food to impress other people. I ordered something of medium spiciness and carried on chopsing.

As we were chatting, Lloyd's phone rang and the expression on his face suggested it wasn't a trivial call. "I've got to take this" he said, and since the restaurant was so small, decided to go outside to talk on the phone. I sat there and eavesdropped on other conversations for my own amusement while I waited for his conversation to end.

After about 10 minutes of this, there was no sign of Lloyd, and the food arrived. Thinking he'd been rude enough, I decided to tuck into my food and he could join in when he was back. I was tucking in, enjoying it, when due to a sudden lapse in concentration, I inadvertently shovelled a couple of chilies into my mouth. It wasn't until I'd chomped down and swallowed that the enormity of what I'd done hit me.

I felt the burning sensation start to make its way through my mouth, a sensation simultaneously numbing and excruciating. As the seconds passed it just got worse and worse. I started to panic, not wanting to seem like the sort of idiot who eats chilies or make a scene in the restaurant. I gripped the side of the table, and dropped my jaw in a pathetic attempt to aerate my mouth while beads of sweat started running down my forehead.

Suddenly in a moment of lucid clarity I had a fantastic idea and called the waiter over. In a voice as close to calmness as I could muster, I said "Would it be possible to get a glass of milk?"

"Sorry?"

"Milk. Please could I have a glass of milk."

Blank stare.

"Like from a cow, milk, creamy milk... Please."

At which point the waiter walked off, but without that act of realisation that you would expect from someone who truly understood you. Despite this, I hoped for the best and sat there trying to focus on not crying, avoiding eye contact and trying to find my safe place in my head.

What felt like an eternity later, the same waiter came back to my table and asked "Sorry, what was it that you said you wanted again?"
I despaired as I realised I was no closer to my milky haven, and involuntarily stared at him like I wanted to rip his head off and present it to his first born. Sensing a problem, one of the other waiters joined in to try and assist.

Hands still gripping the table like I was going to fall off the earth and struggling to talk, I repeated "Milk. Please could I have a glass of milk?". My eyes were filled with pleading, while I wondered if it really was such an odd thing to ask for milk in a curry house. As my jaw continued to hang, the new waiter suddenly showed had that expression of recognition from my request that I had so sorely craved.

Tears started to fill my eyes as I pleaded for my shining knight to give me the respite from pain that I needed so badly. The pain continued to rip through my mouth as I resumed my meditative state staring at the patterns in the wall paper, trying to find some sort of hidden meaning.

After another eternity that was probably only a few seconds, the first waiter beamed back to the table with a glowing expression fit for a hero. It was a face I couldn't be happier to see again, until I looked down at his hands. In his hands was a little jug of double cream. I snapped, I couldn't keep my composure any more. In a raised voice of desperation, with tears blurring my view I pleaded "Milk, not cream, I need milk, please bring me milk, why won't you bring me milk, I just want a glass o-" when I suddenly realised it wasn't going to get any better than this and I should just take what I've been given.

I took the jug of double cream from him and started to down it like some sort of obese hero that nobody asked for, the negative reaction of my body to so much cream being nothing compared to the sweet relief my mouth and stomach were now feeling. With so little there, I held the last drops in my mouth, hoping they could counteract the pain. It wasn't ideal, but at least I had a moment of respite.

As the pain started to subside, the positive feeling of knowing I had overcome the worst of it made the remaining time so much easier to deal with. With the mental capacity to think of other things, I wondered where Lloyd had been all of this time, which turned out to be twenty minutes and not the thirty years that it had felt. A couple of minutes later he returned to the table, apologising for the long phone conversation, blissfully unaware of the traumatic experience that had occurred in his absence.

I could barely touch the rest of the food and wish I could say I'd learned my lesson, but that would be a lie.
( ma0sm, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 13:55, 28 replies)

The unstoppable juggernaut of Passing Time, and the ghosts of my youth that haunt me still.
The regrets, the missed opportunities, and the colourful joyfulness of innocent enthusiasm.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 13:52, 2 replies)

Off-licenses
or the demise of them - Oddbins, Threshers.... where are you now.. I miss you...

sniff :(
( arsefez is back, Mon 11 Aug 2014, 13:36, 6 replies)