Working in an old computer store once....
...we had work lockers just off the shop floor, which were behind a security door. A decent size for storing a rucksack and a coat (barely), but quite handy to have. Our boss had the master key for all of them just in case anything was required.

Anyhows one mid-day during a numpty's lunch-break (Ian the spanner) a deliveryman turns up with new stock, along with a magazine in his hand. "Have a look at this thing, had to deliver loads to that new club up the road" he says, passing us all a copy of some gay "cock"-mag, now with 100% more cock than normal. We all have a laugh, then suddenly the boss has a simple idea. He disappears out the back for a minute with the mag and returns empty handed. "Wait until Ian comes back" he chuckles.

So Ian trots back in with his headphones on, wonders back to the stock room and starts yapping. The boss initiates a quiet nod to us, and walks out the back past the lockers waiting. Ian in the meantime finishes his conversation and walks to his locker to put his headphones in. Boss happens to walk past Ian as the locker opens and out falls a gay mag, while the boss proceeds to shout "Oh you DIRTY FUCKER, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED COCK, LOOK AT THAT URRRGHHH". While there were about 10 people in the store browsing a couple of feet away.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 18:32, 10 replies)

Partially inspired by A Vagabond: free pool.
Go into a pub with a pool table. ROLL a £1 coin across the bar and ask for £2 worth of 50's. Play two games. Repeat.



(I should add that I don't do this, but that I have tested the principle and never known it to fail unless I've owned up)
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 17:35, 8 replies)

The world would be a better place
My cunning plan is to start a rumor, with carefully planted letters to women's magazines etc, that semen is the new wonder diet.

Just imagine if women put as much effort into swallowing cock as they usually do into whatever this month's stupid fad diet is! The nation's husbands and boyfriends would be walking around with permanent stupid grins, and slightly wobbly knees...

Oh, and it's just occurred to me to set up the equivalent of "Weightwatchers"... the "points" system should be interesting!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 17:09, 8 replies)

My garden seems to a perfect place for moles to flourish and I think I know a way to make money from them.
1. Start a breeding program.

2. Live-trap them and put them all into a bag.

3. Choose a street, walk along it, reach into my sack of Soricomorphs and lob lawn-obliterating "mole grenades" onto every single well-kept lawn.

4. Advertise my services as a professional mole catcher - the going rate is £7.50 - £10 per mole - catch the moles again and repeat on another street elsewhere.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 16:34, 3 replies)

Frenchie and the bruised ego
I had a good friend during high school whose dad was a doctor and his mother was an oil heiress. They divorced and he and his dad lived in a modest apartment. He never wanted for anything, but was also never showy. He did belong to a country club, when that was not so ubiquitous as it is now.

Well, one day he tells me that his dad wants him to go visit the place they used to live, a few hours drive away. He begs me to go with him because he does not want to be stuck with all these stodgy old types. I readily agree, and we set off on a road trip in his dad's Mercedes.

Little did I know we would be staying near this HUGE country club, with golf, tennis, pool, etc. facilities. I could order anything I want because he had "a tab". I was in heaven. Then we met the girls.

One was a cute blonde that had everything going for her and knew it - almost a sexual intensity with life. The other was her exchange student friend from France, who was good looking and did not always wear a bra.

We went out to eat, then went back to where we were staying and had some liquids and some herbal medicine. My friend and the other girl disappeared to somewhere, leaving me alone. I tried some chit chat, some high school French, but she didn't seem very receptive, in fact she seemed a bit upset.

Not one to let an opportunity pass, I sat down on the bed beside her, started talking in a low voice, but still no real reaction. Then, I figured, "she hasn't run away yet", so I leaned over for a kiss, placed my hand on the room service tray, which flung china, cutlery, a couple of glasses and a steel pitcher across both of us and onto the floor with a noise that could have awakened the dead.

That was it. We spent the next hour or so, she on the bed looking upset (still) and me with my back to the wall, about 10 feet from her, reading my friend's magazine.

All my friend could say on the ride back was, "what the hell is wrong with you?"
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 15:35, 9 replies)

this just might work.
1: create new squelchy musical genre that'll be a hit with the kids

2:buy shares in overseas holidays, water pumping equipment companies, and inflatable boat manufacturers.

3: through careful musical structuring, ensure that said genre will spawn crazy dance moves never seen before.

4: wait till someone, probably in a dark club on the outskirts of colchester, accidentally while getting their wobble on, discovers a working rain dance SO effective, it shitrapes the entire summer, and people flock to the airport in droves.

5:profit.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 13:43, Reply)

Credit Card Fraud
I reckon this should be possible...

* Send someone the following SMS from an anonymous number.
* "Your Barclay's credit card (starting 4304) was recently used to buy £2,103.54 worth of goods in China. If you wish to dispute this transaction, please call 0113 496 0123."
* The victim checks her BarclayCard - it does start 4304. Damn! She rings the number.
* "Welcome to the BarclayCard fraud line," says the voice at the other end.
* "To protect your security, please type in your sixteen digit card number," says the automated voice. So that's what the victim does.
* ... after typing in several more details ...
* "Unfortunately," the voice says, "the £2,103.54 will show up on your July statement. But you will see the refund on the August statement."

Remember - the first part of your credit card number is fairly predictable.

Credit card fraud is illegal. Do not try this at home.
(terryeden, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 12:32, 9 replies)

1. Hire out an expensive £1.50-per-minute 'phone line that looks like a relatively normal one.
2. Attach a fax machine to it.
3. 'Phone up companies and ask them to fax you some information about themselves to you.
4. Profit!*


*May require the 1980s.

EDIT: Oh crap I see that there's a similar scam posted below.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 11:57, Reply)

I have a great plan.
Everyone 'like' this post and get it to the top of the front page for no other reason then for shits and giggles.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 11:24, 8 replies)

I have a plan
Let's put this QotW out of its misery and bring on the next one.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 10:31, 9 replies)

Business Plan
1. Break into family garden and kidnap family pet. Better if family has small children

2. Keep pet safe at your home, care for it, but don't feed it too much.

3. Wait for the posters to go up in the neighbourhood offering reward for much lover family pet.**

4. Rub a good handful of mud into kidnapped pet's fur and take back to family.

5. Collect reward money and feel like a hero. Pet receives much love attention and food for a good few weeks and family appreciates them all the more.

6. Present business model on Dragon's Den as a fabulous franchising opportunity.

** if no posters appear, they clearly don't love the pet and should be publibly humiliated in some way that I can't be bothered thinking about right now.
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 10:17, Reply)

Oh dear AA deleted his ode to chavvy shoplifting, here it is again kids
There's a really really easy method of conning at the Pic n Mix counters, if you're as cunning as a cunning fox who went to cunning university like me.

Choose a cinema where the pic n mix has something blocking it from the till's line-of-sight.

Go in with your friend in a polyester tracksuit, and slightly fill a bag, go for about £1.50 worth of sweets. Go to the till (alone!) and pay. Then, walk back to your friend (with your hand down your pants) and fill a much larger bag (i've got away with probably about £9 worth of chavvy shoplifting before) before depositing a couple of large items into the small bag, just enough for about 50g worth.

At this point, your chavvy friend should approach the counter, with the SMALL bag (that has already been paid for) and pay again. The difference should be enough to allay suspicion, as long as the large bag stays by the sweets.

And, voila! Mucho SHOPLIFTED free sweets!

Got me through transformers, and I still sweets left at the end! My mums still dead though :(
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 9:51, 63 replies)

business plan:
1 Collect Underpants
2 ?
3 Profit
(unclestinky, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 9:23, Reply)

It appears that Spankyfuckinghanky had a cunning plan to come back with a different account name. Cunt.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 8:42, 12 replies)

Pearoast from when I went by another name...
Set up an 0906 number that charges 5 quid for every minute. Buy a motorcycle helmet and wrap a cardboard box in brown paper. Walk into business's along Euston road (or anywhere else to be honest) saying that you have a package for Mr J. Sneddon. When the kindly receptionist tells you they don't have a Mr J. Sneddon, look perplexed, examine the box and then ask if it would be OK to ring base and see if you can get this sorted out.
Ring your 0906 number, get into a long and protracted arguement with your 'boss'. Apologise, rinse and repeat.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 7:01, 6 replies)

My dirty underwear for $10
I get rid of all my saggy and holey y-fronts at a profit. All I have to do is pretend I'm not 56.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 2:30, 3 replies)

three towels for a dollar
The advertisement in the back of a popular magazine read 'Three Absorbent Towels for $1 send to ...'

The recipients were rightly upset when they received in the mail and smallish envelope with three PAPER TOWELS, neatly folded.

While the supplier had done nothing wrong, and had in fact delivered the towels as advertised... the newspaper shut them down after only 3 months running with some 500,000 'orders' taken.
( teknikl, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 22:56, 1 reply)

I plan on getting Fp'd for ever by pretending to be a teenage girl and posting poor quality vectors and badly drawn hentai on /board.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 20:23, 7 replies)

Does anyone have a cunning plan
to stop janet bullying teenage virgins on the internets?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 20:08, 6 replies)

does anyone have a cunning plan
to stop allisade telling sex lies?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 18:10, 14 replies)

threesome, foursome, whoopsome
I was hanging out with a good female friend and the ex of my ex - a nice guy who I didn't know well, but now we had similar scars from the ex and we got along well. Let us call them Susie, and Jason.

Susie's old college roommate Katy came down to visit her for the weekend that summer - she was attractive, well endowed, and had a problem. We were all sitting in Susie's room when Katy shared a concern that was really eating away at her.

She thought she might be a lesbian!

After much discussion we found out the source of this fear, Katy's boyfriend couldn't make her orgasm. And if she couldn't cum with a man, then obviously... she was a lesbian.

This terrified Katy - it would be such a difficult life! She wasn't sure if she could like women! What would she do with all her clothes?

It was heart breaking, and I was immediately moved to help in any way shape or form that I could. I actually tried to offer advice first - how was the boyfriend's technique, did he use fingers when going down on her? how was foreplay? did he pay enough attention to her breasts first? Could you show me (go ahead, use my body...) what you to do? etc etc.

The story emerged (without demonstrations unfortunately), the boyfriend's technique was "whip it out, stick it in, thrust thrust, done"

I was getting more and more certain that the problem wasn't Katy or her orientation.

In a subtle and cunning plan, Jason and I, heroically offered to take one for the team, and prove to her than Men could indeed make her orgasm - if the men actually did something (anything!) to try to make it happen.

I got down to business by getting down to her business and Jason took the upper deck, in short time Katy had confirmed her place a couple times on the side of heterosexuality. I suggested we practice some other things as well (she could show her bf when she got home...) and Katy got a whole afternoon of delight and fun and Susie even joined us for a bit at the end.

Result right? Who could ask for anything more?

Katy could. She decided Susie showing up at the end put the whole experience in the "maybe it was cause a girl was there" light, and she'd need more experiments to find out for sure... the poor girl, she's probably still trying to figure out the truth to this day.

In retrospect I don't think I was the one with the cunning plan that weekend.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 17:02, 41 replies)

Teen angst
I was a typical teen in the depth and breadth of my emotional intelligence, sensitive to the needs and feelings and worth of others like only a teen can be.

At one point I thought, as only a self absorbed teen can think, "Wouldn't it be a lark to start a suicide cult?"

It very much appealed to my need for attention, to be worshiped, and to not have any lasting commitments - you could be totally in power over a large group of people, have em worship you knob, hang on your every word, seduce and make em all do what you like - and then, before it got to demanding or you had to keep up the act for too long - Wham, they'd all be dead and you could move on with your life. (Naturally my kool-aid would be unsweetened, so to speak.)

It was brilliant! And I, being quite the talker and charismatic leader type (sadly I really actually was pretty good at it... at least with other teens) would be perfect for the job!

Wasn't till I was explaining my brilliance to the girl I fancied and I had to deal with her revulsion and horror at the idea did I even get a hint of a clue that it might be, you know, a *bad* thing to do...

Apparently getting a lot of people to kill themselves after convincing them to worship you under false pretenses, in a certain light, to certain people, looks a lot like mass murder.

Women! Am I right? I tried to stress it'd all be completely voluntary... but she just didn't get it.

Anyway. She talked me out of it - I mean, I really wanted to get in her pants, so if she wasn't into suicide cult leaders, then I'd just have to do something else. I should have known she's be difficult, being a devout mormon, but she was smart, funny, and had amazing breasts, so... I ended up visiting the mormon temple and watching videos there with her instead.

And she still ended up choosing god over me in the end!
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 16:36, 2 replies)

A childhood of cunning plans...
I was a plotter, a planner, a doer of deeds and never a regret was had!

Early plans were simple, and enjoyable in themselves - let's see how deep a hole we can dig! Ground was very stony and hard, but my friend and I gave it our best - wrecked a whole set of kitchen spoons, but we did manage dig a whole hole (hehe) that we both could sit in comfortably and continue digging in at the same time. Did not make the neighborhood housing association very happy with us either. Oh well.


Found a twenty once - spent every cent of it on cheap candy (and got more than we bargained for when the teller tried to do math and decided 20 dollars of 5 cent candies should cost 2 dollars - and then got mad at us when we tried to correct him, I'll never forget the nice man who was behind us in line who convinced us to stop trying to explain it to the teller and just take the windfall, he finished with the line "and this is why you go to college"), but then we buried a tin we filled with all the candy so we could have a secret stash the parents wouldn't know about. Went back an hour later to find a dug up tin and all the candy gone. Perhaps letting the other neighborhood kids know what we were doing wasn't very bright. Jerks.

When I was young enough that taking the nightly bath with my best friend didn't seem weird, but old enough that I was still intensely curious about the female form - I had the cunning plan of inviting my best friend's older sister to our bath that night. She agreed and I was very much looking forward to seeing her naked... but she just sat and watched as we got cleaned up. Slightly thrilling in an exhibitionistic way, but definitely not the result I was hoping for.

Finding out my crush at school had a letter from a far off friend that discussed who she liked, I promptly secretly stole the letter and read it, sure it would reveal her secret feelings for yours truly - my heart broke when I found out she liked the popular, handsome, star soccer player instead - so I put the letter back and moved on. 10 minutes later the letter was missing again and she was looking everywhere for it and I realized I was not the only person who crushed on her, or who had cunning plans.

My last cunning plan of gradeschool was to learn how the popular guys got the girls attention, I watched them for a year or so, took mental notes on how you make a girl smile and be interested in you, and was generally a creepy voyeur the whole time - then when I went to a new school the next year, and I put all my studying into practice. Got some girls, and never looked back. Been pretty much living off that since then, probably my best plan ever.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 16:10, 2 replies)

I have a cunning plan!
I miss Baldrick.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 15:31, 1 reply)

A family of Cunning Plans...
First, before I go any further - am I the only one who sees "Cunning Plans" and their brain just naturally imagines going down on a lady?

It's suggestive of being suggestive, that's all I'm saying.

Anyway - my family's cunning plans:

My father's cunning plan was simple - skip the whole sex talk and just leave me a box of 128 condoms in my room while I was out one day. I came home that night, thought it was a lunchables snack pack (the coloring and size were about right) and ignored it till the next day. When I finally noticed they weren't something to put in my mouth (well...) I decided to try one on and see what the whole fuss was about.

Somehow my father had found condoms fitted for dolls instead of humans (they fit a bit tight on my pinky...) and the resulting blood loss and difficulty of getting them properly on made even wanking, just to see what wearing one during 'sex' would feel like, put me off condoms for life. (Also, apparently 'sex' would feel a lot like a vigorous hand job with dry rubber as a lubricant =/)

I put the whole 127 remaining jimmies in my closet and promptly forgot about them, as despite my father's beliefs on the matter I wasn't even remotely in need of condoms in my life.

*My* cunning plan as a teen was to have only oral sex - I really didn't want to be a parent that young, and specializing in fingers and tongue had the added benefit of making me more popular than I deserved with the ladies.

(This plan was completely successful by the way and I recommend it to every teen. No scares, lots of fun, and making girls cum is excellent for the ego and confidence - which helps you get more girls =))

A few months later, I was telling my current girlfriend about the whole experience and she wanted to see "The Box", happy to be asked to do anything sexual - even fetch doll condoms - I went over to the closet and pulled out ... a much lighter box than I remembered putting in.

Sitting back on the bed with my girlfriend, I opened the box and found about 4 condoms still individually wrapped - and a pile of little notes, each in my little brother's hand writing on a series of small pieces of paper - all containing some form of the words:

"I.O.U some condoms"

Thank you little bro - for being the most cunning of us all =)

123 fucking times!
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 15:16, 9 replies)

Accidental fiscal deceipt
It was my round, so I dutifully went up to the bar and ordered our four pints.

Just as I was to hand over my tenner, my mate gave me a tenner and asked for change for the fruity, which I duly requested.

She handed me £10 in pound coins, and the change from £20 for the drinks. Meaning the round cost me -£2.70.

Which was nice.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:39, Reply)

This space for rent.

(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:04, 7 replies)

I once as a child
Had a cunning plan to dig a hole in the garden using that most obvious of implements.. the claw hammer, I was making a fair sized dent in the cold ground and was pretty chuffed with it.

Went back to the house for a drink to a look of petrified horror on my mother's face; I had been digging a hole in the back of my neck and it was obviously too cold for me to notice. But she noticed the large amount of red stuff running down my neck.

I was an intelligent child.
(Shamelesspendant Better dead then smeg., Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:23, 11 replies)