We weirded THEM out
So, broke and studenty and New Year we decided camping in Thetford Forest would be a chipper notion.

Found a clearing, errected tentage, lit fire, drank everything, smoked everything, loosed celebratory fireworks, sat there warming in the glowing embers.... which also gave the only light by about five in the evening.

It was early, we were wrecked, everything was just peachy.

Then through the wood came men with torches, making their way towards us. To our stoned logic it seemed that if we sat very still and small and very very quiet they wouldn't notice us.

They did.

They made many grumbly fascist noises about things to do with fire and woods and camping and fireworks and bloody students etc.

Nobody said a word.

Nobody moved.

Nobody engaged in eye contact.

It was as if they were invisible to us.

They left, perplexed.

We sighed.
(dogfoodbloke didn't invent a new dogfood flavour, mummy did, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 10:19, 1 reply)

Ghost Train
It was my first trip to the fairground. My little brother and I were terribly excited. Clutching candy floss, we queued impatiently for the scariest experience imaginable: THE GHOST TRAIN! Mum bought our tickets from a creepy, wizened old man in a battered top hat and we scrambled into the tatty black train car, hearts fluttering.

The safety bar came down and it jerked into life. We squealed, rounding the first corner and entering the tunnel through a curtain of curiously sticky strands... then into pitch darkness. As the older brother, I reassured my whimpering 5-year old sibling by whispering to him "you are going to die here". A bone-chilling scream made us both jump, then we chuckled when we noticed the tinny loudspeakers. Our eyes adjusted quickly to reveal an underwhelming blackened room with plastic spiders and cobwebs dangling from the ceiling, glow-in-the-dark paintings of monsters and a few badly-dressed mannequins in odd poses. The only compensation was the lo-fi 'Thriller' being piped in at high volume.

We both had a good laugh, relaxing as it became clear that it was, in fact, rubbish. Until all hell broke loose as a fucking REAL SKELETON jumped onto our car. It shrieked wildly and stank of pure evil*; my brother and I screamed in terror as the horrible cunt waved its boney fingers about in front of our faces. The last straw came when it pressed its skull up against my face so hard, I was convinced it would kill us both. In self-defence, I punched as hard as I could and landed it right where the boney fuck's nose should have been. What I wasn't expecting was for the demon to reel back in pain, mutter "ow! you little shit!" and clamber off the car to disappear behind a curtain. We emerged back into daylight and my brother thanked me for saving us both. We jumped out of the car and ran back to our mum to tell her of the adventure.

I will never forget the parting gift as I turned to point at the exit; the tragic sight of a forlorn fat man in a badly-made skeleton outfit dabbing a tissue at his bloodied nose, mascara tears running down his mask. Take that, skeleton.

*a smell I later in life recognised to be 'gin'
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 7:51, 5 replies)

This is probably more dream
but when I first moved in with my monstress of an ex-wife, we slept at the back of the house, where it was very very dark. I think I'd been used to having the glow of orange street light come through my curtains.

On one of the very first nights in that house, I woke to see a moving shape in the pitch dark... a bit like in predator when you see the air move but not the shape. Anyway it was coming closer, and as it came near to the bed where I was lay, it started to self illuminate, and it was a young girl of about seven, with long hair, a pale complexion, and very dark dead eyes.

I looked at her, and said there was nothing for you here, but she reached out and grabbed my throat. I started to choke, and flapped about on the bed trying to get free.

And then it stopped.

I must have woke up at that point, but it really did give me the willies and half believe it was real, it was so vivid.

After that, I left the curtains open whenever I was home alone so that some light would be in the room.

Some 24 years later, I still leave the curtains open, but that's because I'm a lazy twat.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 7:41, 2 replies)

Just last night
I was walking up my cul-de-sac, in the dark, after a few pints, looking at my phone, when I walked straight in to one of my neighbours cars. It was quite funny and I hope no-one saw me
(Dr Zoidberg is going for a scuttle, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 7:23, 1 reply)

my experience
I've never had any luck in the dark. I remember one night I had to get up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Obviously I can't see in the dark so I looked absolutly everywhere in the pitch black darkness. I crawled on the ground and suddenly I hit a wall. I wasn't sure if I hit a door or a wall and so I reached slowly up and suddenly I felt a wall but wasn't sure if it was a wall. To save my energy bills I kept the lights off and eventually I got to the kitchen area and got myself some water. Now the hard part for me was to get back to bed. I litterally got on the ground and crawled to my bedroom so I wouldn't hit a wall and once I got into bed sweet and sound my alarm went off and I was soo tired I couldn't stay awake for the day.
(ami2weird4u I have 10 penises., Wed 29 Jul 2009, 5:33, 3 replies)

Things that go bump in the night
Since a lot of stories seem to be about things that make strange noises at night, I thought I'd tell a story about something like this that happened in China a few years ago. This really happened, and if I could be bothered I could probably find the article about it.

There was an apartment building somewhere in China, not a highrise I'm fairly certain, and everyone who lived there believed it was haunted. It was okay in the daytime, but at night there were bumps and strange noises coming from behind the walls, from under the floor, and from the drains. It was very constant, and gradually it drove all tenants out, which dropped the property value significantly.

A pair of brothers bought the apartment. While they were fixing it, they found a water tank somewhere, and inside was a whole bunch of fairly large fish. I think the article may have said they were sturgeons. It turned out that at night, these fish would start thrashing about and making a racket, which could be heard throughout the building. They removed the fish (probably made a good meal out of them) and resold the apartment at its original price, pocketing a huge profit for their troubles.

UPDATE: source found
www.weirdasianews.com/2007/12/22/10-year-chinese-haunting-finally-debunked/
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 2:59, 4 replies)

it was dark, 3 in the morning about 2 years ago.
Woke up. all seemed ok for about 10 seconds.
Suddenly an image of someone appeared in front of my eyes very briefly, about 2 seconds.
All the person said was "streaming now", the image cut out, all was ok.
I went to move my arm. there was a noticeable delay between moving and seeing, which eventually wore off/caught up.
It probably was a dream, but it felt realistic.

Oh, and there's been a few times ive tripped over a metal paper bin/walked into doors at night.
(Usernameless Wooh, scary. Not really., Tue 28 Jul 2009, 23:59, 4 replies)

It was dark once.
So I had a comfort wank.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 22:50, Reply)

They always come out at night.
One of the jobs I do as a courier is to serve legal papers on people. As I'm one of the larger riders at the courier company I seem to get chosen to do this quite often often late at night or in the early hours of the morning just to be sure someone will be there. A few months back I had to serve papers on someone down in Devon and Plymouth, they had two houses so I was paid to go to both. The first house took a fair while to find, it was in the middle of a forest and we only had a house name and a post code for it.
Standing at the side of a country road in the middle of a forest on the phone to the company trying to pin down exactly where the place was I could hear a noise of in the distance in the forest, the noise started getting louder like something was forcing it's way through the forest. Then I realised it was a lot of some things and it was getting a lot louder. Then it started getting really loud and a bit frantic, I edged my way over to the other side of the road and jumped over a wall ducking down all the time on the phone and the person at the company on the other end could also hear it. Whatever it was finally passed me on the other side of the road without leaving the forest and I could hear them moving further and further away. Must admit it scared the shit out of me.
I finally found the house I was looking for and started to make my way down to Plymouth. As I was riding along this country road I could see a white shape in the distance on the edge of the road, it captured my attention completely. As I got closer it started running at me so slammed on the brakes as I realised it was a pony and finally realised I was in the New Forest and the noise before was also New Forest Ponies.
Been down to the New Forest a few times since for work always in the dark and without fail I always seem to get Ponies running at me.
(Sickpup, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 22:49, 6 replies)

Almost exactly a year ago
My children were staying with their father so I was able to go to bed with no lights on in the house.

I was just on the edge of sleep when the phone started to ring. I knew that I had to hurry to get to it before the 1571 kicked in so did not bother to grab my glasses or put on the light and rushed downstairs. I forgot to count the steps in the dark and ended up missing one or two and it hurt, a lot.

It turned out that I had broken two toes and I missed the call too.
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 22:14, 1 reply)

hand eye coordination
I tried giving a hand job in the dark once, but I couldn't get the..WANG of it.

Sorry, couldn't resist.
(persnickety I Am The Seaward, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 21:13, 1 reply)

Electric rats
Our first house was a turn of the century terrace that had a large cellar under the lounge. You had to walk down the steps, which were walled on both sides, and take a right turn before the room opened out, so you couldn't actually see any stairs when you were down there. As it was reasonably dry we used it mainly for storing bikes, lawnmowers etc in.
One day i went to go down it and the bulb blew. I got a spare and taking a torch went to change it. Reaching the light I put the torch in my mouth to leave both hands free to swap the bulbs. All going well so far, I felt like a proper DIY'er.
Then i coughed and dropped the torch, which smashed into tiny pieces on the stone floor. Don't buy £1 tesco torches, they are shit.
Ah well, I know I am in total darkness, but there were no mad axemen here 1 second ago, I should be ok, just swap it in the dark. It was either that or walk all the way back across a cellar in the total darkness to get another torch.
So i reached up to try and find the fitting, and was repeatedly bitten, really quickly, on the finger by what I thought was a rat or something. It is fair to say that my boxers were not going to come clean even with a boil wash.
Turns out that with an entire ceiling to aim at, in total darkness, I managed to stick my finger straight into the fitting itself. After a few minutes I calmed down, swapped the bulb and stumbled back in the darkness as the light wasn't actually switched on.
It was only later when the thought that I could have collapsed down there and nobody would have known where i was, and that one of my family could have literally stumbled across me by torchlight, that i really got the willies.
Bought a shed not long after.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 20:59, Reply)

Where's she gone
My god daughter, now no longer with us had many health issues and was prone to nocturnal seizures which required immediate attention. To keep an eye on her there was a cctv camera over her bed. One night I had the monitor and after being woken by the bells on her wrists I checked the screen to see if it was a fit or she was just playing. It was a fit so I dashed into her bedroom and went straight for the bed, realising about two thirds of the way there that I couldn't actually see anything. The camera could cope with very low levels of light giving a very clear picture. After doing the first stage of sorting her out by touch alone I went back to the door to turn the light on. The next time I looked after her some fairy lights had been put above her bed.
(jvz, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 19:43, 1 reply)

Been at odds with the dark for some time...
I've always had a love/hate relationship with the dark, from pretty much as soon as I could walk until the age of 12 I would sleep with the landing light on, the big light and a lamp shining in my face. Now I've since learnt that the dark can play tricks on you, but there are some experiences that just don't seem to go away.

On Boxing day, around 1991, I was 6 years old and being the close knit family that we were, my parents and my aunt, uncle and their kids did what many would do at that time of year: Go to the pub from 3pm until closing time. I remember very little of the actual time spent at the pub, just that once it got dark, we all sat out in the pub garden for many hours.

That is when I saw it. In my mind's eye, the huge oak tree that was sitting in the beer garden opened up, as if it had a door, and out rolled a huge boulder a la Indiana Jones. My cousin was stood next to me, and before I could even say a word he said "did you see that?!" of course shortly after that we both freaked out and went to our parents, who were around the corner from us, as we returned with reinforcements in our parents, there was of course, nothing there. I would've dismissed it as nothing had my cousin not seen it also.

Later on in life I also had various experiences in the woods by my friend's house, such as seeing a red light off in the distance through the trees, knowing that the forest pretty much stretched far enough in the direction that there should be no light. Of course, we had rigged up a home made bong, made with a pringles tube and were ripping it enough that any experiences at that time are pretty much suspect.

Sorry for the length and lack of funny. Its my first post here.
(Spackles Made sexual advances in your general direction on, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 19:30, Reply)

Wales in the dark
I LOVE the dark and the tricks your mind can play on you. A few years I was staying with some friends in a caravan on the Gower Peninsula and after sharing a joint we went for a walk along the coastal path, it was a very overcast night so it was pitch black. Stumbling over the rocks and laughing nervously at how difficult it is to navigate a footpath when you can barely see your hand in front of you we all stopped dead. A few yards ahead the bushes were glowing green. Er.. is everyone else seeing this? Am i imagining that? Slighty freaked out we crept closer and discovered the bushes were teeming with glow worms, none of us had seen them in real life before, they're incredible. The bushes on either side were pulsing green in the dark.

After spending far too long in an absorbed slightly stoned appreciation of glow worms we carried on but 100m on froze again as we felt a rumble under our feet and a noise building towards us. Mutters of 'wtf?' 'christ what's that?' and we all started shrinking back. Out of the dark a group of 8 or 9 horses thundered past us about a foot from where we were standing and carried on past along the cliff top. I nearly shat myself. It was too much and we admitted defeat, turned tail and stumbled back to the caravan where it was safe.

Glow worms rock, wild horses scare silly.
(Covered In Bees, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 17:53, 2 replies)

Dragons and GBH
When I was a tiny little flimmy flimmy flam flam I was taken on a camping holiday with my brother and sister by my long-suffering aunt and uncle.

Long ago they had decided against having kids (I think they saw how evil me and my fellow siblings were and we sort of scared them off) but they would try, once a year, to give my parents a break and confirm that children were in fact nasty little bogey munching buggers.

Sooo yes, where was I? CAMPING! We had gone to the lovely cave-riddled Cheddar Gorge for a long weekend and my aunt had decided a good way to keep us entertained would be to take us on one of the cave tours - The Crystal Quest to be precise. This basically involved us bolting around in the dark at 1,000 mph screaming and falling down and up stairs.

After running around for about 10 minutes I was pretty knackered so decided to stop running and walk at the front with my aunt. Holding her hand we wandered into an even darker corner of the cave where the stairs got even narrower. Now I was beginning to freak out, there was some sort of voiceover telling us that a dragon lived around here somewhere and we mustn’t wake him. Now when you’re 7 the last thing you want to hear is confirmation that dragons exist, especially when you could potentially be wandering aimlessly into ones BLOODY LAIR!!

I started sobbing so my aunt picked me up and tried to calm me down, then out of nowhere this guy in a black robe jumps out and shouts BOOOOO! I screamed, my aunt screamed and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of this guy with her pamphlet… turns out the bloke worked there and it was his job to add a little something something to the atmosphere… well he got more than he bargained for that day I can tell you!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 28 Jul 2009, 17:17, 12 replies)

On a visit to London Zoo
I was heading into the Nocturnal House, and had the pleasure of overhearing the discussion between the young boy and his father following behind:

"'ere, Dad, why's it so dark in 'ere?"

Dad considered this difficult question. It certainly was dark in there. But it seemed that Dad was a man who didn't like to admit ignorance, and was certainly not going to admit to not knowing why a Nocturnal House might be dark. Sure enough, after a moment of thought he had the answer.

"It's dark in 'ere" he explained confidently, "because the animals wot live in 'ere ain't got no eyes."

I suppose all of us have a moment, growing up, when we realise that our parents aren't really the perfect godlike creatures we assumed them to be; they can't do everything and don't know everything, and they don't get everything right.

The kid didn't say anything, but as we wandered round the crepuscular enclosures looking at the Bush Babies, Slow Lorises and Possums - all with eyes like dinner plates - I thought that for that kid the first chink in Dad's Armour of Genius just might have opened up.
(richardm, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 17:01, 2 replies)

A few years ago -
A few years ago the area I lived in was having some major issues with power supply, (and we're not talking about the Kongo - but middle England commuter former market town type place). Any who, the electricity was failing about 3 times a week sometimes for an hour other times for the whole day. We never got an explanation, but touch wood it hasn't happened since.

So to get on with the story, it was about 8pm, bang, power out - battery backed up house alarms are screeching, my bike torch is significantly less entertaining than Bushy Babes 6 so a trip to the pub was called for.

A spooky old pub with flag stones purportedly former grave stones, and lit by candle tea lights.

I didn't mind the fact the beer was slightly warm, but I did get totally shitted up when the gaffer of the pub came up behind me in a bloody black sheet and axe shouting boo...

Arse batter was strong that night, but if I'd had 3 more warm speckled hens then I don't think the flags would have remained quite so clean.

Length, well - we've given up with that haven't we?
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Supermarkets
I was in Morrisons once, just with my mates buying some lunch and ALL of the lights went out. ALL of them.

There were many screams from children, immature girls and the odd guy. It was all a bit weird to be honest. I think there was an alarm aswell.

They came back on after about 10 mins, which made the shelf-stackers with torches a bit redundant.


I can bet that MANY things were stolen that day.
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 16:07, Reply)

The Night Stalker
My worst time I ever got the fear from the dark happened a few months back.

I was around 10 o'clock when I was quietly snuggled up in my warm comfy bed with only the backdrop of the moon lighting up my room.

My mother, who has become renound for being the worrier of our extremely close family, burst into my room awakening my from my drifting slumber to enquire weather I knew if the whereabouts of my more rebellious sister.

I did not know.

She hastily left, no doubt to profusely ring her mobile phone in a vein attempt to communicate with her.

I thought nothing of it until I heard the blood curdling shrieks in the distance.

There was only one thing it could have possibly been - a young woman. But which young women.

The panic seemed to grip me harder than any nightmare ever could.

It wasn't only that it could be her it was for the fact that there had been a large number of brutal rapes in the local area previously.

I slowly climbed out of my bed and peered through the tiny gap at the bottom of my curtains in just the small glimmer of hope that it wasn't her and it wasn't him.

I saw movement in the distance. Was it her or was it the moonlight dancing of the tree's. I couldn't look any longer.

I dived back into my bed and thought fuck it she's a bit annoying anyway.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 15:47, 14 replies)

Four part tale

a) My first attempt was a complete failure. Well, I'd never tried to build anything like this before. It was just way too small. Total disaster.

b) Second try was not much better either. I tried to make it big enough, but didn't put sugfficient internal supports in. The roof collapsed and squashed all the sheep. Arse.

c) By the third attempt I thought I had it cracked, but then my middle son (I've got three) was messing around outside, and knocked two supports out. The whole thing rolled over and smashed into pieces. Sometimes I think that boy is pig thick.

d) Fourth attempt, and at last, success! Finished just in time too. All the animals fitted in, and she floated. I call it the 'D' Ark.

sorry
(Mystery_Machine, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 15:35, 4 replies)

They're not really out there...
It was one of those god awful Christmas presents that your grandmother buys on a whim with the intent of subjecting at least one unsuspecting grandchild to its horrors. I was the unfortunate grandchild, but I feigned gratitude, as that's what one must do in these situations.

I hadn't used it, it just sat on a shelf like a tacky, garish ornament that no one in their right mind would ever consider buying; spaceship shaped, dingy grey in colour and coated in a rainbow of LEDs it wasn't particularly clear what purpose this thing served and people would eye it warily when they came into my room.

So it just sat and eventually a layer of dust and familiarity rendered it almost invisible to my eyes, so much so I never got round to removing the batteries as had been my intent the entire time it was there.

And so it was, on a night not unlike any other I settled in for a very drunken, stoned sleep (read: passed out at the wrong end of my bed, half my clothes strewn across my room and the other half still covering my snoring frame) entirely oblivious to the devious plan hatched by my siblings before the night's revelries had begun.

I was lost in the deepest of sleep when the noise began. It was an indescribable screeching that sent my heart to an instant gabba techno BPM and shattered the peaceful silence that filled my room. I scrambled about in the dark like a wild man, sending old glasses of water flying and clearing entire shelves of their contents, my own screaming reaching similar levels to that of the machine.

Then the lights began, punctuating the dark without rhyme nor reason the device revealed itself to have a multitude of LEDs that went well beyond those I'd previously noticed and they each made themselves repeatedly apparent until I seized upon and flung it against the wall, sending shards of plastic about my room.

Silence and darkness descended once again upon my world and I fought my racing heart in search of the cloak of sleep to take me away from the horror I'd just endured. And I may have found it, too, if not for the millions of tiny pieces of plastic that now littered my bed and found their way to sticking into every part of my body far easier than I could seek them out in the blackened room.
( Moey, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 15:22, Reply)

Public Sex pt.2 - In the Dark

I didn’t have time to do this post for the Public Sex question, but it fits better here anyway.

This is going back a few years now, to a time when I was seeing a very nice gentleman called Brian. We were both divorced and unused to the dating game, but he was a lot of fun and a very proficient lover. We saw each other for a few months but then decided that we should end it while we were still friends, as both of us were looking for something more permanent and agreed that we were never going to ‘fall in love’ with each other.

Anyway, back to the story. There was an item either on ‘In Touch’ or ‘The Food Programme’ on Radio 4 about a restaurant that serves food in the dark. It’s staffed by blind and partially sighted waiters and sounded a bit different. Brian suggested that it sounded like a bit of a laugh and I said it sounded like a good opportunity for a bit of a public fumble.

So, we booked a couple of places (everyone sits at one long table on benches, to make things easier), packed the kids off to my parents for the night and, after a quickie to get us in the mood, we showered and got changed. We’d decided to be a bit daring and both go ‘commando’, in case the chance for a bit of you-know-what presented itself. Brian was wearing loose jeans with a button fly and I had a flowing, knee length summer dress which buttoned up the front. Brian also put a Johnny in his pocket, just in case.

So, we arrived at ‘Dans le Noir’ and were shown into the bar by the sighted Maitre d’ for a drink. The lighting was low to get us accustomed gradually to the dark. There were couples and small groups sitting around and I noticed a fair few blind customers with their partners or families. We both opted for the ‘surprise menu’, where you rely on touch, taste and smell to discover what’s on your plate.

The big moment arrived and were led down a dim corridor, each customer with their hand on the shoulder of the person in front. It was a bit like finding your way to your seat in the cinema after the lights have gone down; there were tiny lights along the corridor and you could just make out the person in front of you. Then, we pushed through some black velvet curtains and we were in COMPLETE and UTTER darkness. With some bashing of shins and kicking each other, we all stepped over the bench and sat down.

If you want to know what it was like, go into a dark-room, leave the light off and close the door. Then put a hood over your head and a blindfold over that.

The dinner was probably the strangest I’ve attended but possibly the most exciting too.

As soon as we were comfortable and had found our asparagus tips and mayonnaise, I undid a couple of the lowest buttons on my dress, then found Brian’s right hand and guided it to my lap. He reciprocated, undoing his fly, releasing the beast and guiding my left hand. There then followed a conversation of such filthy double entendres as has ever been carried out in a public restaurant. “Wow, that asparagus is really firm.” “Have you tried dipping it in the mayonnaise?” etc. etc.

Meanwhile I was gently handling his rigid cock and his fingers were fiddling with my clit as I spread my legs wide apart on the bench. The main course was some type of fish with new potatoes and green beans but I could hardly concentrate on finding it on my plate as I was nearing orgasm. I had to try to keep my ragged breathing quiet as all sounds were magnified in the dark and my heartbeat sounded loud enough in my ears to be audible to the guy sitting on my right. Brian kept sliding his fingers into me and I was pumping his cock for all I was worth.

We had to stop as they cleared the dishes and brought in the dessert - apricot tart with a scoop of delicious ice-cream. I almost screamed as Brian recommenced with a spot of ice-cream on his fingers and as I stuffed apricot tart into my mouth I covered my orgasm with a groan of delight, commenting on the food. Brian slipped the Johnny on and I finished him off as he downed a glass of wine. “God, I love sticky puddings with cream on the side.”.

We were both completely sated by this time and I took the opportunity of the dark room to lick my plate clean before doing up my buttons again. Brian carefully took the full Johnny off, tied it off and put it back in his pocket before wiping himself with the napkin and buttoning up.

“OK folks, if you all stand and put your hand on the shoulder of the person in front of you, we will now leave the dining room.”

As we emerged into the dim corridor and then the gently lit bar we were more than a little surprised to see that the Maitre d’, who had been leading us, was wearing night-vision goggles. He gave the pair of us a huge grin as he took them off and said, “I trust that was a uniquely enjoyable experience for you. It certainly was for me.”

Oh boy. Nice one K, you did it again.
(K.W.A. Knickers With Attitude, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 14:09, 9 replies)

Not me this time...
My ex-bloke, M is a middle child, and they do tend towards the annoying. Not being the eldest "Big Boy" or the baby of the family, they seem to develop other "skills"

When M was about seven and his little brother was four-ish, he was bored one day. So bored was he, in fact that when his little brother went to sleep, he nipped downstairs found himself some sellotape,and scampered back upstairs chuckling quietly. An idea was forming.. He then stood over his little brother's defenceless sleeping form, pulled off two strips of tape, and applied them to the little chap's tightly closed and dreaming eyes.

His little brother woke up ten minutes later, screaming fit to wake the dead.. both the parents rushed into the bedroom, to see what had caused the commotion, and were eventually able to reassure the little fella that he hadn't in fact gone blind, his venomous brother had been up to his tricks again...

Edit. That's the last time I post without looking down!
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:54, Reply)

If a mate passes out in a dark pub or club
Place a pair of high strength sunglasses on their face. Prod them a few times until they wake up, then sit back and marvel as you see a grown man or woman just about piss themselves with fright as they ponder whether the years of excessive alcohol abuse have eventually caught up with them and they have, in point of fact, gone blinder than Stevie Wonder trapped in a lead lined box at the bottom of a very deep dark ocean.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:53, 1 reply)

Riverside surprise
I went night fishing with a mate who was a little more serious than me. I was expecting to have a few beers & doobs and a bit of a chat. He said we should fish apart. It made sense I suppose less chance of tangles.

So there I am sat by a river in the nearly dark looking at a tiny glow in the dark float drinking my tinnies and smoking my doobs, my mate wasn't even in shouting distance as he had gone off looking for the perfect swim.

Then I began to hear noises behind me, it was a large animal crashing about and snorting. My mind conjured up wild boar, escaped bears & big cats,this was Keynsham just out side of Bristol, UK I was being a paranoid stoned bastard. I turned around the reeds behind my seat were moving, the sound was getting louder I was backing up fumbling in my pocket for my bike light I found it and with shaking hands managed to turn it on to illuminate an extremely startled badger. Fuck me they are big, it looked at me for a little while sniffed the air (possibly smelling the various baits I'd got with me) then shuffled off.

I didn't do much more fishing that night
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:30, 1 reply)

Recovering in the middle of the night…
From some pretty ‘orrible surgery (spinal fusion of the L4, L5 & S1 vertebrae if anyone is interested) a few years ago I was in a very posh private hospital (courtesy of my company medical insurance).

I was high as a kite on Tramadol as a pain killer having been weaned off the yummy intravenous Morphine I had been on at first. I woke up in the dark in the middle of the night with the foulest set of side effects of any prescription drug I had ever experienced. I was sweating like a paedophile in Mothercare, shaking like a shitting dog & experiencing a panic attack worse than the pilots of an Air France flight over the atlantic ever had.

As I was unable to walk (even farting was painful) I couldn’t get of my room to ask a nurse for help & eventually managed to turn myself around to grab the alarm cord type thing. No reply. For over 20 minutes (I checked on the clock – it wasn’t that it just felt like 20 minutes) not a nurse in sight. This I could just about cope with. Until I chundered. Everywhere. All over myself.

This was no ordinary diced carrot mix either but the foulest smelling green bile. It was like ectoplasm, it was dark but I swear this stuff almost glowed in the dark. I was led there for nearly an hour covered in this foul smelling green bile before a nurse came & cleaned me up. When I asked the nurse why it had taken so long I was told she was waiting for her pizza to be delivered.

Now if she had been tending to another patient I wouldn’t have minded but waiting to be helped with the side effects of my medication & to be cleaned up while she waited for a pizza made me more than slightly angry. In fact it was probably just as well I couldn’t get out of bed otherwise it is more than likely I would have committed nursocide.

I no longer have private medical insurance & whilst a lot of people criticise the NHS I bet I wouldn’t have been left there to rot covered in smelly green bile whilst panicking, shaking & sweating if I’d been in an NHS hospital.

Sorry lack of etc…
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 13:06, 3 replies)

Big cats
now i had heard that large cats might be abroad in britain, released when the law changed in the 70's. I thought it was possible. Then i my new GF talked about her terror of them attacking her in the dark (we go to a lot of outside parties and it becomes quite hilarious/worrying). Nonsense i thought. So she proceeded to hammer the intermanet and other sources to show me.

Looks like they are real! seriously, theres some insane evidence to prove it.

Once i'd been convinced it became a lot harder to say "it LOOKS like a large predator! it'll be a cross sheep".

I still fdont think a rave is much of an attractant for Panthers, butgoing for a slash when hammered takes on a whole new level when someone says "be careful! Big cats were spotted in this area last year" ffs
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:38, 7 replies)

Where's the door gone?
When I was about eight years old my dad embarked on a project to partition a huge bedroom to make one small one and one big one. For a while I slept in the unfinished small bedroom which was awaiting a window and was devoid of any furniture, apart from my bed. I remember waking up one night desperate for a pee, but what with it being absolutely pitch black I could find neither the door nor the light switch. Behaving quite rationally under the circumstances, I put my hands on the wall and started to walk the perimeter of the small rectangular room, feeling my way and thinking I'd come across the door before too long. I didn't find it though, which was strange and a little worrying. I carried on until I'd done the circuit twice or maybe more. Still no door. I started to get a bit freaked out at this point but the call of nature took over and I basically had to piss where I was standing (all over some rolled up carpet as I discovered the following morning) and go back to bed. I still don't know where the door went that night.
(Haywood Manley, Tue 28 Jul 2009, 12:37, 1 reply)