Oh god no.....
This QOTW just absolutely begging for frankspencer to abuse it.

When he has written his diary entry, I look forward to secretly reading it.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 20:30, Reply)

hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha........


......thrush
( HappyToast Groat froth, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 20:23, Reply)

wankbook
being the snoopy cunt of a yuonger brother i was, am and always shall it be. i was searching for whatever in my brothers room, i find a little black book filled with tales of how many wanks he had had in the day and what he thought about ie,
wank one - morning thought about jenny blah blah blah
a few pages later and i find one which described what he was doing to a certain woman on our road,
she was 70 if she was a day. i was disgusted and intrigued
(ZZ, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 20:20, Reply)

I once read the book 'Crash'
It was obviously an accident waiting to happen.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 20:12, Reply)

Sordid entry
I had a flat mate who basically kept a "sex diary" but occassionally punctuated the pron mag fantasies with the odd pithy observation about the rest of us, in the flat.

He stupidly made reference to it on a night out, pissed in the pub. We hunted it down the very next opportunity we got.

He described me as follows....
"I would call him an know it all, but unfortunately he does"

I was proud as feck about that.
(moondust, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 20:07, Reply)

How not to fire someone...
I work for a smallish web-design/software house. Back in the day, we were even smaller and very new - helmed by an ex-bank worker who had never run a company before, and thus, was rather inexperienced at boss-like things such as; firing people being one of them.
Anyhoo, at more or less the same time that I joined, so did one German designer. She turned out to be shit, quite a nutcase and frankly no-one really got on with her; the boss least of all. For instance, I remember her trying to justify to him why it had taken her 3 days to knock up what amounted to 3 circles plonked next to each other as a starting point for a site-design – what most B3tan would do in 3 seconds (possibly in magenta rather than green). When challenged by the boss she'd immediately protest that he "didn't understand the intricacies of design", and such like outbursts.

So fast-forward a week, and he tells me over a cigarette break that Amanda “has to go”. I had no bones with the girl, but still, we weren’t mate either so “fair” thinks I – who am I to disagree.

A week comes & goes, and still Amanda is blissfully unaware at her pending doom. Another week goes, and still nothing. Our new self-appointed boss has yet to garner the balls to do his first sacking and everyone knows it – except poor Amanda.

Of course she finds out in the end of course; about 3 weeks later. It was when everyone was gathered round the boss’s desk for a quick talk on a new website a site that the “ding-dong!” sound of a new email is heard from the boss’s computer.

The email is entitled “Good luck with sacking that German!!” with more text underneath; presumably a follow-on email from a conversation about “so how do you sack some-one?”

It is seen by everyone gathered as it beautifully fades in as a small box into the bottom right of the screen for just a few seconds, and then fades out again - like all new emails in Outlook 2003 do. The boss’s speech trails; the room goes eerily silent. Amanda collects her things and walks out in stony silence.

Poor Amanda*


*Name changed to avoid legal possible implications. No seriously. Oh, and she loved the length.
( slippery doctore, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 19:39, Reply)

It happened to me
I was using my Mum's computer when mine broke, and lost track of the time. I rushed out the door as I was going to be late for a job interview, leaving my old online journal up by mistake...

You know how online journal's contain foul-mouthed rants about whoever has pissed you off that day? In this case, the entry I left on display was about my Mum being a tempermental nutcase who was taking her menopause out on me, I described how everytime she got a hot flush her eyes would pop out of her head like a drug addict and she'd start frothing at the mouth like a demon from Hades...

My whole life flashed before my eyes when I came home...she was fuming. Absolutely furious I could ever say such things about her, but putting it on the INTERNET for the world to see....that was what she was really enraged about.

It took me hours to get out of that mistake...
(trippeh, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 19:29, Reply)

The Ex...
Having just read a few of the more choice answers here I found my thoughts straying towards the subject of an ex-girlfriend.

Being of a highly moralistic and virtuous nature this QOTW got me thinking. Thus I basically rummaged around in my head to see if I could recall her hotmail password.

A few tries later and bingo…this could become an addiction…

Turns out she’s taking it up the wrong-un from a couple of guys, both of whom she works with, and one of which appears to be married and who’s misses she also works with…Genius.

The best part is that this was all in a draft e-mail that hadn’t yet been sent. Confessing all sorts of bog-shaggings and under table naughtiness while up the pub, with said misses present.

Dirty cow!

I am now advising anyone who may still be able to access an ex’s e-mail to do so, unless your not over it…

I’m assuming it’s a good sign I find this hilarious as opposed to upsetting…
( The4thCrystal Wishes he was better at photographamising..., Thu 1 Feb 2007, 19:29, Reply)

b3ta
I really wish I hadn't read the story on here about somebody fitting a boiled egg under their foreskin cos I can just see myself sitting round with the family one night, one too many pints, my grandad will do his usual juggling party piece, then I'll go, "Well that's nothing, look what I can do........".
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 19:21, Reply)

@
imuu
(abignumber, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 19:11, Reply)

I once wrote an angry hateful thing about friends when I was 7
"DIE CARL AND ANDREW I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU FUCKING BASTARD PIECES OF SHIT. I HATE YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS"

It was found, I was questioned, I cried, I got a Playstation.

I've never kept a sex log thank god, I'm not that much of a bloke.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 19:08, Reply)

I last posted this for the 'Secret Santa' QOTW. Here's the story again.
Three months before Xmas, there was a brilliant incident where my boss accidentally replaced her diary with the work diary. The work diary being the book we keep all bookings in for people who want to book private functions in the pub. The entire staff had a good giggle at it, especially one page where she decided to insult all of in one sentence (paraphrase: 'Why did I bother hiring a bunch of incompetent monkeys who pour flat pints and have the collective intellectual capacity of a gnat').

So, what did I give my boss for Secret Santa? A scarab beetle, wrapped in that page of her diary.
( __, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 18:51, Reply)

Emails
When I setup people's profiles on PCs at work, I read their email. It turns me on*



*May or may not be true.
( sock more tea vicar?, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 18:37, Reply)

Hmmph
Reading other peoples diaries is really a bad idea. Germany had it pretty bad in the 40's
(TonyK, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 18:35, Reply)

Karma
Found my soon-to-be-ex wife's computer log. Found where she was, called her and had the DIY divorce papers from the court filled out on the table before she got home.
Which was nice.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 18:30, Reply)

Haahahhaha
...Thrush
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 18:11, Reply)

oh god
My mum has a bad habit of reading ANYTHING that contains even the remote possibility of containing something personal. Having gone to a private school in Grimsby, all students had a hymn book in this godless town. Obviously everyone drew big cocks and had the girls write messages to them and goodness knows what else. she read it once and once casually mentioned the things inside when we were shopping. I wanted to sink into the ground there and then...

But the best was in the boarding house. I was the only one with a laptop and internet, so everyone used it for MSN and suchlike. Hehe, Logging all chat messages is fun, particularly when people are either arguing and/or bitching about you or others. Top notch gossip! I still have all of them - sentimental value I suppose, because obviously there's my old stuff on there. And I can always use a chuckle... there's tons of the stuff I still havent even read.

ooo reminds me I'm onto one of my best mates' folders now... Gotta get reading!

length? Pfff I've got a long way to go yet
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 18:06, Reply)

I read my mum's diary once.
But it was okay; she let me do so. She and I were sorting through a box of her old stuff, and she passed me the diary so I could have a read of it. It was mostly about me and the things I'd done/said, as I'd been a small child when it was written.

More specifically, it was mostly about my poo.

I've kept poo diaries in the past, and so have other people here, but has anyone else had one kept for them?

Furthermore, has anyone dropped their trousers to piss on the sofa with visitors present? Apparently I did.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:51, Reply)

I 'accidentally' read..
this QOTW....


Now I feel bad!
(Matthew-field.co.uk, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:46, Reply)

brotherly love
As the nosey bastard that I am, i decided one day it might b fun to look at my brothers files on the computer. lo and behold, in big letters a file named DIARY, talk about subtle... wanting to know more, i opened it. This was probably the most fruitful expedition into my brothers life, and it revealed alot more than i would have wished to know. A few examples are as follow:

-took a massive dump today

-found missionary to be fave position

and many more trivial, yet strangely fascinating facts about my brothers 'social' life.
(Tranny G was a badger, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:43, Reply)

That doesnt go there...
Accidentally got sent a text messege from a mates phone that was definatly meant for his girlfriend... All 3 pages of it... from what i read they were very much into some pretty kinky stuff with some very vived imagery involved which still haunts my idle mind today.

Consiquently i sent him a text back asking him what the cup was used for in his little love note and that he really shouldnt exagerate so much other wise he'll just end up disapointing her.

he didnt speak to me for a long long time and the next time we met was just as uncomfortable for me as for him

does anyone read anything by accident?
(Time Waste Management, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:30, Reply)

Just broken up with the love of my life
And reading this stuff is strangely theraputic

(edit, this is related, I shamefully checked her emails once after we split and it actually led to a much more honesty and openness with us...I'm still in the denial phase where I want her back but....you know)
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:24, Reply)

The foolishness of homicidal youth
When I was eight years old, my teacher required everyone in class to keep a journal. Being eight, I viciously hated not only the teacher, but also a lot of my classmates. The teacher promised she would never read the journals, so over the course of the year I filled two notebooks with:

-- Several page long rants along the lines of "I hate Emily/Ben/the teacher and I wish she would die by falling into a vat of acid ha ha ha"
-- Drawings of elaborate "death machines" involving lots of cogs and axes
-- Drawings of people I hated being killed in various ways, with captions like "Rachel faces the justice... OF DEATH"
-- A long, illustrated story in which people I hated were killed in various ways
-- The pièce de résistance, a story in which my teacher hunted down various high-ranking government officials, brutally killed them and ate their body parts, including crudely-spelled genitalia

If I'd written all this at home, it would probably be okay, but we would write at these journals every day in class. Furthermore, when we were finished writing, the teacher would collect all the journals and keep them in a cabinet right in the classroom. However, since she'd promised she'd never read them, it never occurred to me to be careful about what I wrote at all.

Several years later, I told someone about the journals, and they laughed and replied, "Oh, she probably read it anyway." Shit! I may have been a hateful child, but I was still a trusting one. I now live in fear that one day the teacher will find me again and reveal me as a sick fuck.

Then again, if she had read it I would probably still be in therapy.
(generic hybrid, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:22, Reply)

oh am i
When i first moved to London, I shared a flat with a friend of a friend. First day in the flat, out of the kindess of my cold, cold heart, I said, "Is it ok if i have the room at the front? You can have the en suite."

Few days later, he left his journal downstairs and my temptation won out, so I had a look. There, under the date of the first day in the flat, was the word, "WAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNKER!" and a bit about me displaying wankerish behaviour to insist on the nicer room.

Still, he had a problem with smelly feet and the only girl he managed to pick up in the year he stayed there insisted he fumigate his wardrobe before she'd shag him. What a wanker.
(evilpenguin Ur polar bears r wel gay, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:15, Reply)

He should have his own theme tune by now.
It would go something like "It's Stalker Boy, it's Stalker Boy..." like Eddie Izzard singing "It's Hollywood..."

Stalker Boy, in his I-have-the-gay-no-really stage, used to exchange letters about which guys he fancied with his (definitely in possession of the gay) friend Tris. There were loads of these and fortunately, he never got me to read them, claiming they were "private". Anyway, he had lots of them all in one of his jacket pockets. Without thinking he emptied them all out by the back door and left them on top of the piano. They were all folded up into squares like the best secret "n of course I ♥ Paul and U ♥ Steve" type teenage letters between friends are.

The first warning sign when he came home from school that night was that the letters were no longer there.
The second was that his mum and dad, at this time blissfully unaware of what their darling son was up to, or even that he wasn't just a bit girly and didn't like rugby, were sat at the dining table with the letters all unfolded in front of them.

He got a two-hour speech from his parents about why he hadn't told them he was gay and how ashamed they were (his dad plays rugby and his mum didn't like Tris).

There were no more letters after that.
( Maladicta, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:13, Reply)

message board messages
I accidentally found my sort of girlfriend's posts on some girly/music chat site. Turns out a lot of people on the interweb now know I'm a rubbish kisser, not a great performer generally and that she was drunk when she decided she wanted to sleep with me. However she's hot and I like her, and we're still together, so I'm classing it as a result.
(stv318uk, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Mr Jack
I have a similar story, but instead of Best Ever it's filled with the words 'not all that amazing'. I am apparently quite funny (in person obviously not on here).

That was demoralising - funny but otherwise useless.

:(
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Don't do it....
She's a nice girl. She's very attractive, intelligent, fun to be with. And, bizarrely, she find me attractive.

We're just starting to go out, and I get on really well with her.

So, why do I find it necessary to trawl the internet trying to find out information about her.

And why did I almost vomit when I found her Bebo account.

And why did I read *every* message on there. And every message on all of her friends pages.

I hate myself.
(deane1980 - I wasn't working at:, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Mr Jack...
I think you'll find most girls diaries will refer to thier current boyfriends as the best ever, until they find the next bloke who then becomes the new 'best ever' and so on.... They use the term loosely as well as liberally. No i'm not bitter.
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 17:06, Reply)