I started by clicking one post
Then another and another...

Anyway, what maddens me is people who brush their teeth at any place but the bathroom sink. And then will also try and have a conversation with you at the same time.

Had a housemate who did this, and would always end up going to work with little white flecks on her clothes from the talk/brushing misadventure (besides leaving white flecks on the floorboards). No idea why this bothered me so much... besides the fact that it's FUCKING GROSS
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 1:37, 1 reply)

People who refer to football teams they support
As "we" and "us".
(McChinaman banned, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 1:29, 8 replies)

don't even start me on the bloody
"quiet carriage" on the train.

Should just be called the 'stress you out' carriage. Basically a place for people who enjoy provoking others to get a bit of practice.

There is a bloody sign with pictures on the wall stating that you shouldn't use your phone in this carriage. Please note that there are no exemptions specified for 'only a quick call', or a call to arrange a lift, or a call made whilst the train is stopped in a station.

And, of course, the idea is that it's self-regulating. But it's a tremendous social dilemma - how far does one's own part of the collective responsibility extend? It's fairly obvious that you yourself should obey the rule, and ask the people next to you to desist if they are breaking it. But what if it's someone two or three rows down? Someone who is too far away to speak to at a normal volume? Is it your job to get up and walk over to tell them off? What if the people closer are ignoring them, and therefore the malefactor can legitimately question your right to the moral high ground by using the defence that "it's not bothering them, so you're the one with the problem" ...

Absolute nightmare. Plus, of course, the law is not on the side of the quiet person in the quiet carriage, because no law exists to cover it. If I was a cunt, I'd definitely sit in it and be noisy, just so that I could tell anyone who complained to jog on.
(slowly play it cool, Trig, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 1:19, 4 replies)

Till monkey
As a part time till monkey there is nothing that annoys me more than when customers come to the counter, put their stuff down, wait untill I've started putting their items
through then fuck off to the other side of the shop to carry on looking without saying a word. This always happens when we have queues and they tend to take their time.
If you want to leave things near the till so when you eventually pay you can pick them up then fair enough.

And of course not forgetting that lovely phrase "But the sign says". If you do think you've been charged wrong then by all means speak up because it does happen. But its
the people who decide to read the sign for another item then argue that it's misleading who drive me crazy. Such as the delightful lady who wanted three tins
of Tuna for 58p because a bright yellow A5 sign said that Salt was 58p and argued with our manager for a good 20 minutes about it.
(FootOfTim, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 0:19, 2 replies)

People who enthusiastically say "HAPPY FRIDAY!"
It's not that I don't love Fridays, but our works receptionist says it to every single person who arrives, every fucking Friday, for years. Every time I hear it, I think about how she says it like its being said for the first time.
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 23:40, 2 replies)

You.
Every fucking thing you do irritates me you ill mannered worthless cunt.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 4 Oct 2012, 23:27, 6 replies)

Before I start, I'd like to say I am fully aware the following is irrational and entirely blown out of proportion.
On my commute, the bus goes through a few villages. In the first of these there is a newish housing development on the main road, and at the nearest stop to it, this bloke always gets on.

I don't know who he is and I have never spoken to him, but nonetheless I hate him. I wouldn't say I want him to die in a fire, but I won't be shedding any tears if it does happen.

What's caused me to think this way? The sight of his stupid fat face, the blond Brillo pad sat on top of his pudgy head, his half frame not-quite-NHS-but-not-quite-trendy-either glasses and the sound of him droning things at the driver like "thanks a lot mate" through his blowhole day in, day out for nearly three years. That said, in all other aspects he's quite inoffensive.

Sometimes he doesn't appear for two or three days. This gets my hopes up; I wonder if he's been made redundant, or has contracted some horrible illness. But no, after a few days there he is again, returning as inevitably as the ghost of baked beans.

Over time I've tried to rationalise why I hate him so. Maybe it's the impression I get that in the entire course of his life, in which he'll probably hold down an adequate career, move into an adequate new-build semi with an adequate wife, have two adequate children and eventually retire in adequate comfort, he will never say or do anything interesting, or try to achieve anything more; and I secretly fear the same will happen to me if I'm not careful. Or maybe it's just because he's a moon-faced prick with an annoying voice.

I bet he works in insurance.



tl;dr version - man rides bus for three years, and unknowingly kills another commuter's sense of compassion and humanity.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 23:13, 10 replies)

An obsession worthy of croissant eating, orange juice drinking, sat on a balcony leaning in his chair smug cunt,
but I hate it, and judge people on how they wear a suit. I left university thinking I would never wear a suit but within a year I was wearing one for my first proper job. 15 years later I'm still in one (not the same). What drives me mental is fellow suit wearers not understanding the buttons. 3 button suit, you do up the middle one only. two buttons, top button. Single button, one or none. Also never ever open the side pockets.
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 22:56, 19 replies)

Followers
You know. The ones who follow you to continue the conversation even as you're backing away from them. The ones who have no sense of personal space or indeed, of your aversion to the conversation, who cannot read faces or hear a tone of voice.

I work with a few of them, and as a science teacher with a chatty technician, I have to be intensely rude to him just to get him to understand that I really do need to get back to the class of 30 sub-hominid howling hormone bags that I've left while I do some emergency photocopying, and don't have time to talk about the solar panel system on his leaky houseboat.

I used to live with a guy who had the same problem. He once followed me into the toilet to continue his conversation. Into the toilet. I had to push him out of the door and shut it in his face before he stopped talking. And he still got the last word THROUGH the door after I'd shut it.

Sometimes this happens with a random person in a pub. You have a short conversation at the bar, based around your lack of quick service, or the barman's difficulty with the correct change, or the recommended pint of beer. Before you know it they've sat down at your table and are regaling you with tales of their latest hobby or their new pet, or both, or sometimes their kids. In which case my question is how did they ever retain the self-awareness to shut up long enough to have sex with someone? Or did they just follow someone into the bedroom and bore them to a state of unhappy resignation?

I hasten to add these are perfectly intelligent people. They just have no concept of shutting the goddamn fuck up.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 22:49, 4 replies)

People who stop in doorways.
My theory is it's an evolutionary throwback to when we lived in caves and you had to stop in the entrance and check there were no sabre-toothed tigers there, or something. Or they're just ignorant cunts.
Also people who wait till the till monkey tells them how much their shopping is before looking surprised and then commencing a search for their purse / wallet longer than the one for the Higgs Boson. Do they think that one day they'll get there and the cashier will say "No, go on, honestly, it's all free, Tesco is just giving stuff away."
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 22:14, 4 replies)

People who have no sense of spacial awareness, especially in groups, drives me up the wall
Going to work I once found myself trying to walk past two women pushing two double push chairs side by side on Parkway in Camden Town, slowly. For most of Parkway, even the pavement can barely accommodate two double push chairs side by side; they must of gone on a special training course for manoeuvring their pushchairs like a cunt for other people or something.

Also groups of people who walk four abreast, slowly, along pavements without any concept of people behind them. I tend to forcibly push my way through them these days.

Umbrellas. Fuck me, that's a science in itself of people going on ninja courses to train to be a cunt. Yes, I really must step into the gutter to avoid you with your umbrella.
( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 22:03, 2 replies)

Other computer users
Watching other people use the internet has me wanting to beat them to death with their keyboards, especially when they do any of the following:

Googling a URL
Googling for a favourite website instead of starting to type a key word in the address bar.
Hovering the mouse over a link while considering whether or not to click it, instead of just clicking and then going back if it wasn't what they wanted. Then double-clicking it.
Carefully placing the mouse over the scroll bar and slowly dragging it down instead of using the wheel.
Using spaces instead of tabs.

I even provided my better half with a speed dial to her email account so all she has to do is open a new tab and click, but "it's easier to just Google it."
*twitch*
(lolwhites, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 21:44, 15 replies)

lids
Married for too many years to remember (in fact i'm terrible with dates and anniversary's so i don't know anyway) the wife always leaves the tops of things. Toothpaste is normal (ish) but marmite, jam, and opened tins (put in the fridge to go moldy)the kitchen is regularly littered with things open to the air. I grind my teeth and go up stairs to the bathroom to find the mouthwash open. In fact i think its getting worse spreading to not closing draws and cupboards, i regularly bark my shins on half pulled out draws. ...
(sidecar_jon, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 21:37, 2 replies)

In a closed office
People keep the SAME ROUTINE every. Fucking. Day.
A girl sits behind me who every day, after dinner, has to eat an apple. In exactly the same way. At exactly the same time. I want to ram the fucking apple down her throat and say "die, bitch."

Then there's the ones who keep a sweary monologue with their computer monitor, as in "you've got to be fucking kidding me," so every one else can hear and clock how really, really hard you must be working.

I am planning a bloody revolution. I swear.
(lilyputian, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 21:28, 5 replies)

As a Scouser..
scallies calling everyone "Lad". Fine if you're still a teenager but when it's two grown men... FFS!
(Outrun Is it the weekend yet?, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 21:26, 5 replies)

I can't help but feel..
after reading a few of these posts about our dear other half's that this qotw could rapidly turn in to a male 'Loose women' episode...
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 21:18, 1 reply)

My ex wife use to do the 'scope creep' method of arguments.
I was nearly always reasonable, logical and calm.
She was shouty, emotional, irrational, illogical and sometimes handy with her fists, although being a foot shorter than me and not a skilled pugilist, rarely managed to land one on me.

So :

1. She'd bitch and rant about things which weren't really what she was feeling pissed off about, probably because even she realised how crazy her annoyance of the week was. Which made it very difficult to address what was pissing her off.

2. The arguments suffered from scope creep. By which I mean, the grounds over which you were arguing shift just at the point when you establish the bullshit-ness about the original bitch. So at that point the bone of contention would suddenly change to something unrelated.

3. The scope creep argument could even carry on so long that all the available argument issues in her arsenal had been used, at which point she started back at page 1. The recursive, self-perpetuating argument when nothing got solved.

4. The original point to argue about was based on one of her misinterpretations, thereby rendering the last 2 hours worth of 'spirited debate' actually avoidable, irrelevant and unnecessary.

5. The supposed trump card:- "Well we wouldn't be in this position if you hadn't have run up the credit card paying the phone bill!" and for the umpteenth time my foil "The phone bill was £400 while I was earning £1600 from research for the media, which I had to do because you didn't work for a living after 12 months into our marriage and became a lazy housewife who I had to provide for as the benefits system expect me to support you with whatever job I can get down in the end of Cornwall (badly paid), and so we slid into something you call mutual debt". To which she answers "And you haven't mown the lawn.....". You get the idea.

I would say- yes, perhaps the better thing to do would not to rise to the inaccuracies and out-and-out lies she was accusing me of, but I found that if you didn't give her your version of events then she would continue anyway, but giving her version of what she THOUGHT you'd say, thereby creating a self-deluding self-feeding hate-spat of angry spite which only usually ended when her wine ran out and she went to bed.

Still, should almost be my 10 year divorce anniversary anytime now :-)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 4 Oct 2012, 21:15, 6 replies)

Time and motion
My darling wife seems to have no notion of time when planning an activity. When she makes a cup of tea she gets the cups out, gets the milk out, washes the tea pot, puts the tea in.... and only then puts the kettle on to boil the water. When cooking she will put everything on to cook all at once, regardless of how long any of it actually takes. So then either something is overcooked, or it's going cold while waiting for the rest of the meal to cook. And then she gets stressed because nothing is ready at the right time. And then she blames me.

I remember a cartoon in Viz called Mr Pan the Time and Motion Study Man or something, which covered the exact same scenario, except that the husband explained to the wife her failures, ending with her murdering him. I took this as a cautionary tale, so don't bother trying to change my wife from her charming ways.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 20:27, 8 replies)

Get...


... out of the fast lane you mother fucker!
... pull over!
... you must have seen me coming up behind you.


BUT, the thing that makes me want to slam on my brakes in front of them?

When they do eventually pull over, I go by, look back and they then immediately pull back into the fast lane at the same dawdling speed. Why? WHY?! Just stay where you are!

AGH!

.
( gp_guineapig, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 20:14, 12 replies)

loudly slurping yoghurt from the pot.

Seriously, I work with someone who does this, there may be violence soon
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 20:09, 2 replies)

People in Stoke calling me duck.
I'm not a fcuking duck!
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 19:55, 10 replies)

Wine whine
You go to a person's house for dinner. You bring a good bottle of wine. The host takes your bottle of wine and doesn't open it. Instead, they serve you cheap, nasty, headache inducing slop. I hate cheap people.

Whine over.
(Woofie, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 19:27, 6 replies)

the youngest person at work ( by some margin) has taken to calling everyone 'kid'
I am wrestling with the desire to punch him in the face
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 19:20, 5 replies)

LIST TIME!!!!!
Misuse of reflexive pronouns
Misuse of apostrophes
People who call all electronic music 'techno'
People that call hip hop 'rap'
Those fucking sofa adverts where instead of saying 'now only five hundred and ninety-nine pounds' they say 'now only five nine nine'
Homophobes
Other commuters
Whisky bores
Gingers
Metallers
Hip hop heads
Wearing scarves indoors
Wearing scarves indoors while wearing a t shirt. If you're that cold, put a fucking coat on you flid.
When faces are superimposed on apples
Tourists
Lager top
Lager louts
Little and Large
Grown ups reading kids books
Grown ups reading books aimed at teenagers. You fucking nonces.
'Comedy' accounts on B3ta
People who don't understand the word 'troll' and are in fact trolls themselves OH THE IRONING!
People who deliberately use 'teh' on the internet as an affectation
People who can't use the correct form of 'its'
People who stand on the left hand side of escalators
Pendulum
Amorous Fucking Badger
Referring to Rob Manuel as 'the ginger fuhrer'
Rob Manuel
Anyone that likes mass market, lowest common denominator cultural output and derides those who like more serious output as 'pretentious'
The fact that I'm an autistic virgin
Wankers
Tossers
Shits
Shites
The Irish
Monty fucking Boyce and his fucking gang of acolytes over on Off Topic. The prick.
Anyone who's ever posted on /talk
Iain Duncan Smith
Christopher shitting Biggins. The cunt.
B3ta user 'number5'
Battered off of Off Topic. He's a prick who sexually assaulted me in a McDonalds. 'McFlurry' my fucking arsepipe.
People that use the term 'ninja edit'
Wankers that edit their posts after the fact.
Larpers. The autistic dicks.
Sci fi fans. The smegging titfaces.
QOTW.
White wine.
Windy Pig. Yeah, and Two Hats as well. Couple of bent flids. And I mean 'couple'.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 19:15, 16 replies)

Nothing bothers me
I don't give a shit about anything
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 19:03, 6 replies)

Workplace whistles
If you're one of those people who whistle at work - and we're talking office jobs here - I will hunt you down and I will cut you. You hear me? Stop fucking whistling you wanker.

Edit: Just found this out. A bunch of people at work have been given new phones. The default ring tone is an irritating whistle. No-one has changed it and no-one silences their phones. The cause of a great deal of recent stress to me has been a ring tone... so, on to people who don't silence their phone...
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 18:37, 5 replies)

Unnecessary loudness
People who have loud conversations in public spaces so you can't help but listen in. People who shout down their mobile. People who slam doors rather than gently pulling them shut. People who can't seem to enjoy music unless it's turned up as loud as it will go. People at work who will shout across a crowded room rather than get off their arse and go and talk to someone. People who see no problem with honking their car horn repeatedly in the middle of the night. Even worse, people who park up their car and then sit in your street for ten minutes waiting for their mate, blasting out their music with enough bass to shake the windows.

In particular, I am being driven to madness by the man upstairs who stomps around on the hardwood floor in his flat in Doc Martens shouting to his girlfriend (who's only in the next fucking room, for fuck's sake) at 2am.

Last night I thought for a while about getting the big kitchen knife from the draining board, knocking on his door, and then explaining why he's really being quite inconsiderate whilst I disembowelled him to emphasize my point. As it is though, I just politely pointed out that it was quite late and I was trying to sleep and would he mind terribly keeping the noise down a little bit. One day though... one day.

I just don't understand why people feel the need to be so noisy. Are they so self-obsessed that they think everyone wants to listen to their conversations? Do they just not care (most likely)? In the years they have been alive, have they not picked up on the fact that they get on everyone's tits?

If I ruled the world, there would be a volume cap.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 18:22, 3 replies)

When you're eating a box of Terry's Segsations...
and you put your hand in only to pull out one of those in the pale blue wrapper. I'm not eating that one, you think - it's all stale tasting. So you put it back and pull out another one. It's another pale blue one. FUCKING HELL, you think. You put it back, muttering, and then pull out another fucking pale blue Segsation.

Your wife finds you gibbering on the floor later on.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 18:17, 2 replies)

Squirrels
Half asleep the other morning, my husband is CONVINCED he saw a squirrel in the doorway to our bedroom. He spent an hour that morning checking cupboards and poking things with the broom handle to make sure there are no squirrels in the flat. For the past few nights he has performed a squirrel check on every room in the flat, opening cupboards again and 'securing' rooms which are squirrel free. I'd be more worried for his sanity if the constant tapping and opening and shutting of doors wasn't so bloody irritating.



He will have the last laugh if a dead squirrel does turn up though...
(Paperdove, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 18:07, 4 replies)

Those eBay notifications
"You've been outbid on Leather Gimp Outfit (Used). Bid again."

1. Learn some manners, you rude bastards.

2. Don't send these 5 seconds after the auction has closed. It doesn't really help.
(rogerzilla, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 17:52, 1 reply)