people who delete threads bitching about the job centre
when they are clearly unemployable due to having a 2:1 degree in a pointless subject, and being a fucking prick to boot.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 14:14, 8 replies)

Printers
Why do some people insist oin printing 300+ page documents then, rather than refilling the paper tray when the printer inevitably runs out, just take as much as has printed? What this means is that whenever I try to print a couple of pages, I have to refill the paper, then wait for the rest of their job to finish before I get my print job. it's not like the paper is far away in our office, there's about a metric fuck-ton of it right next to the printer.
(ScousersPet, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 13:39, 1 reply)

The press
The gutter press for that matter, creating millions of words of copy on the disappearance of Madeleine McCann. Followed by hundreds of identical comments about how awful it is. Yet when I tried to post on the stories saying that it's easier to cut a Viennetta into 4, would they publish my comment? Would they fuck.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 13:34, Reply)

adverts on t.v
if you search 80's adverts on youtube, you'll see some great ones, ones where you'll probably say 'I remember that! that was an awesome advert', the um-bongo ad or the kia-ora ones etc etc.

Nowadays adverts piss me off. Especially the ones for loans/banks/mortgages where they say all the important stuff really quickly at the end of the advert, 'your home may be at risk etc etc'. That's the really important stuff, say it slowly so we can tell how much you're trying to fuck us over with 2357% apr and all that bollocks.

And adverts that ask questions that assume you're saying yes to.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 13:26, 9 replies)

My single packet of crisps
is too light for the inbuilt scales on the self-serve checkout. Once more I am instructed to "Please call for assistance".
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 13:20, 3 replies)

Jimmy Carr
when he laughs, he sounds like a seal being wanked off.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 13:19, 2 replies)

Phishing emails and the terminally stupid
In my place of work, phishing emails are quite common and for the most part our staff simply delete them.

But we have a core group of dense people who will gladly give out their email login details to some bod at a nonsensical gmail address, all because it says that their email account is over its limits and has been switched off.

Stop and think people. If your email account had been deactivated, how the buggery-fuck are you still logged into it? Better still, how are you going to respond to the request?

These same people then tell you they 'inadvertantly' press the reply button or the link and gave away all their details. Or deny giving out their details and say their account was hacked.

Then when we get their account back from the hackers, they then complain that everything they send is bounced back 'cos we've been blacklisted by the world and his wife for sending out spam.

And four weeks later they do it all over again.

Can you guess what I've been doing all morning?
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Tue 9 Oct 2012, 12:46, 8 replies)

One-star Amazon reviews
More of a pet peeve than something that drives me mad, but that applies to a number of posts on this topic so here goes.

If you read Amazon reviews, you'll come across the following type of comment in the one-star reviews for books and films quite often: "I wouldn't have given this even one star but I liked such-and-such a character/the description of 50s London was quite good/the scenery was beautiful etc."

One star is the lowest rating you can give! There is no zero-star rating, so even if you think the book/film/whatever is the biggest pile of shite in the history of the universe, you HAVE to give one star! I'm fine with "I'd have given this zero stars if I could" but are these people so stupid that they can't see that if the item they're reviewing has some redeeming feature, they should give it two stars?

As a side note, it also pisses me off that so many one-star reviews of books have nothing to do with the quality of the book itself but are moans about the price about the Kindle edition. Shouldn't those complaints be addressed to Amazon or the publisher directly?
(eesnahk, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 11:58, 10 replies)

People and comedians who say
"AHHHHEM!" to indicate they've made a joke, or what they consider a witty aside.

"But we won't have the files to you until next Friday, because, well - I'm on holiday until then! AHHHHHEMM!"

"Of course, you couldn't tell he's from that part of the country! AHHHEEEM!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 11:35, 9 replies)

But like, you know
It's like starting to get annoying you know, like when people seem to feel the need to enter the word like into every sentence they utter. It's like driving me a bit mad. I mean, it's not like its a hard word not to say, but like it seems people just can't stop saying it these days. I happened to watch Rossy over the weekend and like that yank singer, what's her name? Swift? Or something like that just like couldn't stop saying like all the time. Then again, she didn't come across as the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Whatever. (><)
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 11:20, 6 replies)

People who talk about themselves in the third person.
There's a bloke here, who I work with who seems to start every sentence with, "If you were to come to me and say...."

...then continues on with something along the lines of:

"...Robert, why don't we do [insert innane thing here]?", "I'd say, '...becuse Dchurch, we do [insert other thing here].

Well...if you WOULD say that, why don't you just fucking say it instead of telling what you WOULD say? Arrrggghhh!

It's slowly killing me inside.


There's that...and obviously the lack of indication by 99% of drivers (which I assume winds everyone up), and the slow, but sure, dumbing down of everything. I watched a programme on the TV about the (then upcoming) Curiosity mission to Mars. The narrator stated that it takes 9 months to get to Mars and if they were to ever come back from there, that it would take 9 months to get back...then concluded with "that's a round trip of 18 months."

Well, fuck me! I had no idea what 9 added to 9 would be. Thanks BBC!

I haven't had a TV for some time now. I think it had to go or my blood pressure would drive me to an early grave!
(dchurch bah, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 11:16, 8 replies)

Anyone who adds ‘amundo or ‘aloid’ to a name in an effort to seem zany/cool
Example: “Hey Bobamundo! How’s it going?”

Or, to tie in a few of our collective gripes:

“I was at this kerrazee parday with my pal Jackaloid the other night. I got so krunked, it was amaze-balls.”
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 10:32, 16 replies)

Tardy Retards
People who are consistently late for their own meetings, for example, *and what makes it worse* I had a meeting rescheduled from 10am to 9am today and I'm still waiting for it to start.

Other than that, not much else bothers me. Ahem.

Edit: "Apologies the meeting was cancelled (as you may have gathered)". Actually I didn't but I do now you've told me an hour and a half after it was supposed to begin.
(ed-z, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 10:15, 3 replies)

The 40%ers
The University students who are overjoyed when they get 40% in all their modules. These are the next generation of doctors, computer scientists, chemists, etc and they are delighted to get 40%?

I'm just glad that the 40% pass mark doesn't apply in the driving test.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Tue 9 Oct 2012, 9:29, 4 replies)

New AND improved
How can it be both?

Apologies if it's bindun.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Tue 9 Oct 2012, 9:25, 14 replies)

Jam-roll Breeding Farms.
My missus has a mate (well more of a person she occasionally scores some MASSIVE DRUGS off.)
This friend of hers is a single mum. Whose teenage son recently got suspended from school for truancy and pulling a knife on another (female) student. She had him when she was a teenager.

This woman has lived in state subsidised housing and been on the jam roll for many, many years now. & when she's not been living in state housing she's lived with her parents.
In fact when she has had a job she's only worked a few hours so as not to earn too much and then become ineligible for her (very cheap) state housing. Even when she has studied at Tech (Horticulture - so she can grow better pot!) she has been on welfare.

In the recent months she began dealing (& doing) "hard" drugs. She happily boasted to my missus about how she was earning 10's of thousands of dollars a month.
Until the cops turned up at her place while she was out and presented her son with a warrant. I don't think she'd figured that all the other people in her block of state houses didn't really appreciate the regular comings and goings at all hours.
She's a little more circumspect about it now I guess.

About 5 months ago she became pregnant. Even she admits she isn't really sure who the father is but doesn't care and is in no rush to find out as once she has this baby she will pretty much assured of never having to work in her adult life again as she will once again become a "single mother" and will be given all sorts of monies & benefits by the government for being so.
She is quite upfront and cynical about this as she could see that her son will soon be flying the coop and then she would have no reason/claim to live in subsidised housing or claim the dole.

My missus knows how I feel about this woman. Not really much else to say.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Oct 2012, 23:49, 9 replies)

JackASS NOT JackARSE
FFS anyone who pronounces it JackARSE is a JackASS!!

too many arguments with people who fail to recognise the ASS part of JackASS as relating to a type of donkey which they WOULD NEVER PRONOUNCE AS ARSE. Its ASS for Christ's sake. Fuck Fuck.

and relax.
(cackbastard criminally inane, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 22:42, 3 replies)

Dr Who
Smug, goody-goody, hyperactive, irresponsible, patronising, moralistic, moody, gittish, twatty, spazzy, gibbering, twirling spunkledite of a wibbly-wobbly bollocky-wollocky CUNT.

He must be... destroyed.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 21:57, 6 replies)

I was in Scotland a while back
and, being an American tourist, of course wanted to see the Loch Ness Monster. So I made the journey out to the shore of the lake in question on a rainy day with a load of other tourists headed for the same destination, and was glad for the warmth of the van afterward as things got rather out of hand during our time there, with children squalling and people shooting photos while shouting at each other things like "Move back! I want to get the hills in the background! Hey, is that the monster?" while other scenes of obnoxious behavior played out all around me.

It was a dry van to mad Ness.

(Over to you, Pooflake...)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 8 Oct 2012, 20:42, 2 replies)

yeah-no
When you start your reply to a question with "yeah-no"
well which one is you twat! yes or no?
(barty, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 20:41, 2 replies)

Taxi and Pizza Delivery drivers
Ensure the annoyance of anyone else driving on the narrow terraced streets where your customer lives by making sure that you stop your car in the middle of the road exactly outside their front door, rather than the nearest convenient parking space.

That way, either you, or they, or both, will have the minimum possible distance to walk.

Any inconvenience caused to other traffic is a minor consideration when compared to giving your customers the minimum possible shuffling/staggering distance, particularly if you take the time to allow your precious customer to finish getting reading, count out your fee very slowly in small denomination coins ("That's all right - I need the change!"), etc. You cunts.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 17:26, 2 replies)

Festival wristbands
Yes, I went to Glastonbury too. However, when I got home i removed my dirty, smelly wristband and went back to acting like a civilised person. It doesnt make you look cool, it's disgusting. They're always minging.
(court escaper, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 17:05, 7 replies)

Posh parking passes / tickets left on display in cars
People who go to the races / car rally / big sporting event on a Saturday, put the big A4 'posh persons enclosure parking pass' sign up in their winsdscreen, then leave it proudly on display for the next month.

Just remembered this as I've just noticed a co-worker's car has a big 'British touring car championships 12 August 2012' special access pass up in his windscreen, 7 weeks later.

The thing that really annoys is that if you accidentally glance at their car (which they're watching and hope you'll do), they're ready and eager to say 'ooh, forgot to take that down, that's from when I went to Ascot last weekend, you needed it to get into the queen's private car parking area' etc, like I'm meant to be impressed.
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 16:43, 7 replies)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 16:42, Reply)

Among other things, I currently get to grade essays.
I hate the phrase 'in fact'. Usually what this means is that the student hasn't got any back up for their argument and has decided to say it's a fact in the hope that I won't question it.

Everything in their essay should already be a fact, so I wonder if I should then put crosses everywhere that they haven't written 'in fact' on the basis that those claims clearly aren't as factual?
( Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 16:40, 4 replies)

I work in the middle of Mordor. As such, there is a local Sainsbury's, which services all of us local dull, grey, faceless office drones for our lunch needs.
Thus come lunchtime it is packed, but us old-timers have it down to something of an art, and I regularly pass familiar strangers as I go through the same rhythms as they do of selecting that day's gobblefodder.

Now, I understand them moving everything around to increase impulse buying and stuff, but lunch? Lunch is lunch is lunch is lunch. We all go to the same bit at the same time and get the same stuff.

Why on earth change it? It's completely fucked my rhythm and now I'm going to have to waste precious seconds working out where the hell the bloody sandwiches I generally like are, which could be far better used standing around bitching about my colleagues, or going on B3ta.

Bastards. Hanging - I'd pull the lever.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 16:13, 8 replies)

The Return of the Los Palmas 7
It was a Grey Day in NW5 and I had just waved My Girl off on the Night Boat to Cairo. She was The Sweetest Girl and frankly I was so Lovestruck it was an Embarrassment. One Better Day, I hoped she would make me The Prince to her princess but for today, I was one of Yesterday's Men.

It was early and going back was like riding The Ghost Train so for some company I gave my mate Jon a call. I thought he might understand how she was The Sun and the Rain to me because, that summer, the vicar had just got to the "I Pronounce You" when Jon's wife-to-be, Frederica, had a sudden Cardiac Arrest. "Shut up!" he said in his voice like Michael Cain "You won't be Forever Young and you won't get carried to happiness on the Wings of a Dove. What you need is a nice easy Girl. Why Don't You meet me in an hour."

"The House of Fun" proclaimed the sign, with the somewhat unsubtle strapline "The bigger they are The Harder they Come". "Sounds like my kind of Sugar and Spice" chimed up Jon (well, they didn't call him "Johnny the Horse" for nothing). Personally, I could hardly take One Step Beyond the boundary. I thought of the Shame & Scandal, but then I thought of Drip Fed Fred and what Jon was doing to her. "Tomorrow's Just Another Day, as my Uncle Sam used to say" piped up Jon. I stood there for a moment. Jon was obviously ready for action (hint: don't wear Baggy Trousers to a place like that) but I was frozen. I watched a little Dust Devil skitter past the peeling door, mesmerised. Then I ran. "Sorry!" was all I could say to Jon in that moment.

As I was Driving in My Car back to Our House, I thought to myself: "It's Madness. But It Must be Love".


I'm very very sorry.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 15:53, 4 replies)

My wife tells me I that I only have one habit that drives her crazy:
Breathing.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 14:54, 6 replies)

Mmmmmm, new tracksuit?
There is a growing sense of fashion happening in Glasgow at present, that I not only find offensive, but which I find drives me into a murderous rage. Why the fuck are grown men wearing bright coloured hoody tracksuits. Bright yellows, oranges, reds, is this some new breed of Ned, the 'Clown Ned'. I really feel like shouting into there pock-marked fizzog, "DID YOUR MUM FUCKING DRESS YOU THIS MORNING!!!!", before beating them senseless and forcing their bottle of Buckfast up their arse.
I mean come on, the Ned used to be a force to be reckoned with, old grannies would recoil in fear at the state of their bogging teeth. Now they are seen as someone who obviously requires Care in the Community! I really believe I'm watching evolution taking place, just as Humans and Neanderthals split, with the latter being wiped out of existence, so I believe the same will happen to these 'Clown Neds'.
(cargoeng, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 14:36, 6 replies)