I've just been handed an employee contract...
...for the role of "Principal Horn".

Looks like one hell of a wheeze to me.

_{My employer is a well known operatic organisation}
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:17, 6 replies)

Anne Franks
Drum tutor.
( DeadEyeDick, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:17, 1 reply)

Stephen Hawkin's
Personal Trainer

wink, wink, c'mon Stephen, fucking wink you lazy git.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:14, Reply)

IT Technician in a school
Literally would sit on facebook all day, if I had a support call I'd "queue" it - usually until the movie I was watching had ended. In the summer holidays I only really had to come in to support the admin folks, who weren't doing much of anything either. I'd sometimes roll in at 11 and leave at 1. Good times :)
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:09, Reply)

SO many years ago
I used to be a games tester. Didn't really feel like real work. The hours could be long and you'd never have a fully working game to "play"; but it was doing next to fuck and going out drinking with a bunch of great people. I miss that.
(waxdart hello., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Paid to do my dissertation
4th and final year of my Computer Science degree. I was paid by the university to be a tutor for the 1st year's Monday afternoon lab session. They just sat and got on with their work, and if anyone had any problems they could come over and ask me to give them a hand.

I did the job for 8 weeks, 2 hours a week, at £16 an hour. I wasn't asked a single question in all that time. I just sat and got on with my dissertation, which I'd have been doing anyway. £250 for fuck all.

It might not sound much, but to a poor student (back then anyway) it was a fortune.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Collection Manager for the Jade Goody Memorial Library

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:52, Reply)

The grog man!
"The grog man's here!" is what they'd cheer!

I loved my first job in Australia. It was a gorgeous sunny October and I spent my days driving around Sydney CBD delivering booze and corporate munchies (platters of sandwiches, fruit etc) to banks and offices in the various skyscrapers overlooking sydney harbour and the opera house.

It was on reflection a truly satisfying, if somewhat low paid, job. You see, when you're delivering booze into an office where it's paid for by their company EVERYONE is overwhelmingly pleased to see you!

Admittedly I had to start at 7am, but living just a 5-10 minute stroll away in Darling Harbour my "commute" to work was a sunny waterside stroll watching the Aussie lovely's on their morning jog etc.

I'd start my day at the bottle shop where I'd pick up paperwork for half a dozen jobs and usually leg it a mile up the road to the catering kitchen and pickup the food orders. I had a regular one to a coffee/sandwich place right in the heart of the CBD where all the banks/insurance companies were. I recall one day I was feeling particularly helpful and energetic, so chef placed the basket crate order for them on the counter and went back into the kitchen to get my next order. Usually I'd wait there 5-10 mins while he got all my orders ready. Instead I popped it in the van and went for it. Thing is Sydney CBD is actually very quiet early in the morning. So I proceeded to do an 80mph dash down Elizabeth St, pull up outside the sandwich place, get a signature and then race back to the kitchen, all in under 5 mins. When chef brought order number 2 he was worried what had happened to the first, until I revealed I'd already delivered it... You see I was driving on my UK licence, which the company had never even asked to see, plus we never kept a record of who was in which van when. So speed camera's really weren't a concern!

Anyway, orders in the van I'd go back to the bottle shop, collect the booze and head off delivering. It's funny, doing a job like that you get to know a whole different world in the city. I could navigate my way around underground delivery entrances, car parks, alley ways etc to avoid pretty much every traffic light and jam in the city! I'd cross the harbour bridge several times a day, radio blaring, sunshine all day and watching the gorgeous ladies from the air conditioned comfort of my van. Put simply I loved it.

Best part was I finished at 1pm, then it was free booze if I wanted to stop for drinks in the warehouse. So I'd sit on the loading dock which was right on Kent St and watch the world go by drinking my free beer.

The sad part was I just couldn't live on the salary. Things weren't tight as I wanted a job for the lifestyle at that point, rather than the income. However turns out while I was out driving the office guys were filling their noses on the expensive stuff from South America (and I don't mean red wine!).

After a few months I left and got a proper job in an office and read with great interest the huge shit storm in the press when the company inevitably folded.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/business/the-cabinet-a-recipe-for-disaster/2006/04/21/1145344281389.html
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:50, 3 replies)

My current one...
...working part-time for a national travel company. We call people up, ask them if they happen to use our particular form of travel and if not, after asking them a few demographic questions, send them a free week's pass worth anything up to twenty quid. My own take on it is that anyone who has a low-paid job, or works for the NHS, or in education, gets one whether they use our services or not.

On top of all that I work for a football-mad boss who worked our entire shift pattern around the World Cup and Champions League, and who firmly believes that quizzes are just the thing to stop the mind atrophying (if that's a real word), whereas doing what we're paid to do will undoubtedly stultify whatever intellectual powers we might possess. And he even creates overtime where none exists.

I think I've died and am now in some kind of Ragged-Trousered Philanthropist's heaven.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Just do what he does...
I once got a job with a mail-order catalogue firm. On my first day, a guy was appointed to show me the ropes - he led me down into an area where all the stock was on shelves, ready for order picking, pointed to one rack of shelves and said, "you get up there." He then climbed up on to the top of the rack on the other side, stretched out and went to sleep. I quit on the third day, driven crazy by the piped muzak but still having no idea what I was supposed to do.
(Sod, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:34, 2 replies)

Asset Tagger
After flunking my A-levels my dad (an accountant) got me the job of Asset Tagger in the factory where he worked. The job was simply to look at the company's asset register, find the piece of machinery or plant and then stick an asset number to it. I was given a target of 10 tags per day, the entire job was expected to last 6 months. Most days I would have done the 10 tags within an hour. The remaining 7 hours of the day I could be found (or not found) sitting in an abandoned part of the factory getting stoned and reading porn mags. Best job I ever had.
(Andino, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:33, 4 replies)

Y2K
I had to attend site on Monday 3rd January 2000 to ensure all servers and ancillary systems came back up correctly ready for commencement of work later that week.

Not unsurprisingly everything came up fine and rudimentary tests proved nothing was going to explode - dates were all correct on AS400, Windows NT, Winframe and Windows 98 machines.

Time in : 11AM Time out : 11:50AM

Charge: £3750
( zacherynuk @echo off, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:31, 1 reply)

I once spent a summer 'working' as part of a team of three cutting the grass for the council.
1 guy on a small sit down mower, another with a strimmer to do the edges/around trees, and young me, with a leaf blower.

The majority of the time would be spent walking around in the sun blowing grass cuttings off the pavement. However, on one occassion we were sent to cut the grass in an area that contained about 8 football pitches. zero work for me so I'd just sunbathe on the back of the truck until opening time then go to the pub. If I took it steady then could get 6 hours of drinking in and still be in the black when they came to pick me up.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:23, 1 reply)

Milla Jovovich and a couple of her friends once hired me to snort a huge amount of cocaine off their bellies
Which I was more than happy to do.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:13, 7 replies)

Standing holding a ladder
I spent a week one summer holding a ladder for an electrician in a factory while he ran a telephone cable from one building to another. The latest health and safety rules meant anyone venturing up a ladder had to have someone holding the bottom of it in case they fell off, or something. (Quite what would happen if he fell on me and killed the both of us I don't know.) It didn't matter much as he didn't like anyone holding the ladder, so I just sat nearby on a box reading the paper.

Vincent was a classic maintenance man. He made a 3 day job last 3 weeks. Every 15 minute break took half an hour, every visit to the stores rivalled the Odyssey. During a particularly fraught test match, I actually did no ladder holding for a couple of days as Vincent wanted to listen to the radio in the workshop. So I sat on a sofa reading and drinking tea.

Sadly it was not to last. There was a promotion on car shampoo coming up and it was all hands to the pumps. Somebody else got the dream job and I went back to loading bottles onto a conveyor for the rest of the summer.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Paid tourist
I once did an install job in Austria, in Graz and Vienna. We arrived in Graz, to be told that the equipment was held up in customs. So we spent a week being tourists on the company tab. Finally it arrived, and we installed it - in a music store, which meant we could play anything from the shelves while we worked.

When we'd finished there, went to Vienna to do the same; we got the job done with a day to spare, and discovered that on this last (now free) day, the Love Parade was on in the city...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 14:03, Reply)

I worked with a guy...
...whose job was to listen to music, and tell people what was good.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:57, 1 reply)

procurements........shopping for a living
get in a around 7, waste and hour trawling t'internet....log into my office, spend all day fielding about 5 emails, buying things for a major bluechip co. and generally doing next to fuck all, i swear i fall asleep at least twice a day.....i even get to use the co. credit card for my own means, holidays, pc's , phones etc ( pay it off before the bill comes in though ) get the occasional freebie that i flog on Ebay....work Mon - Fri, NEVER weekends.... sometimes i feel like i was meant for something else... then i wake up.....I am the worlds laziest/luckiest ponce...
(phils1969, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Anything in the private sector where you control a budget
If you have a brass neck, and control the flow of a significant amount of money, the freebies on offer would make a politician blush.

I am in advertising and have worked with clients who would breezily pick up the phone to the agency to tell us their daughter would really like to go and see a concert in Paris, thanks very much. Most of the time, we could arrange this. Champions League tickets, Rugby internationals, trips to the World Cup...

Agencies can be just as bad. I once worked with a boss who would refuse to talk to any magazine, on principle, unless they took her for lunch at a restaurant of her choice. Getting to the middle of the week and realising that there wasn't a free lunch on the horizon for Friday resulted in outrage and a slew of phonecalls. In any social situation involving a media owner, it was a given that the agency would not be paying for a single thing. Trips to Vegas, with pocket money. World Cup jaunts including a safari and a bit of fishing. Weekend Benders in Ibiza, complete with your choice of narcotics arranged by your friendly sales representative.

And after all, it's not as if advertising is REAL work, anyway.

Problem is, all this does mean that, in accordance with stereotypes, there are rather too many obnoxious, undeserving, self-regarding, coked up twunts. It's a great industry if you can successfully ignore them...

Other jobs with similar perks if you're willing to sell your soul for freebies? I suggest being a buyer for a supermarket. You get sent off to negotiate with someone, they put you up in a 5 star hotel, treat you like a king, bend to your every whim, and then you screw them over by making them swallow the cost of a price reduction, and fly back home in triumph...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:54, Reply)

The job I do now
it involves negligible work, lots of sunshine and a respectable amount of money. And breasts.
( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:50, 10 replies)

Sticker up's a wanker!
Back when I was a high pitched/deep gruff teenage soapdodger in sunny Scummerset, I got the gig to be the Railway Club's Skittles team Sticker Upper. For those of you not Cider addled or who don't have an Uncle Dad, Skittles is a pub "sport" similar to ten pin bowling, only with 9 pins and not strictly spherical balls (ooer). The job of the Sticker Upper is to stick the skittles back up after they've been knocked down. Easy!

The Railway club chaps would ply me with just enough booze to keep me on my feet and encourage me to help them out (cheat). Giving rolling pins a little nudge to knock down more for them or stop the other teams pins from rolling at all.. I'd also get to play regularly when they were a man short and sing humilating songs to the other team's Sticker Up that I'd otherwise be on the end of.

While every other team's Sticker Upper would be the bored sullen son of a player getting paid a couple of quid, I'd get a tenner, booze, fags and dinner.

Good honest nights work that. Ooo aaarrr
(mrbubber buggering buggertasch, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:49, Reply)

I was given a day's work as an extra on a drama series a few years ago.
I showed up on set in one of Dublin's best pubs, the extras handler bought me a pint and said he'd be back in a few minutes.
A few minutes later he returned and said the scene I was supposed to be in was cancelled.
One day's pay to drink a pint.
Fantastic.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:31, 3 replies)

hand jobs
blow jobs
thread closed
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:27, 6 replies)

I have so little work to do at work
That i often find myself wishing i had some more work to do.

My daily grind is pretty much:

-Turn up at 9.00
-Do 30 minutes work
-Spaz on forums, b3ta, facebook, anything else until
-5.00 - Do another 30 minutes sorting a few things out for the evening.
-5.30 - Leave

Things i have done whilst at work (non work-related, i work in IT support)

-Written a novel
-Attained "master" in the Rifleman career in Star Wars Galaxies
-Written loads of music
-Made 2 frontpage-worthy images for B3TA (and hundreds of unworthy)
-Made countless CD music compilations from filesharing networks (using company CDs of course)
-Applied for about 450 jobs
-Downloaded various games from filesharing networks to take home
-Drank red wine and smoked out of the window
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:26, 4 replies)

I was once
a rentboy in a puritan monastery. I got paid for doing nothing whatsoever. Very easy but boring.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:26, 4 replies)

Film extra
You get a lift somewhere, play cards all day apart from at lunch, where you get free sandwiches. Then at the end of the day the director says "thanks guys, thats a wrap". They give you £100 then you get a lift back into town.
I appear in the film Wimbledon, as "back of security guard's head". My mum has a picture on the fridge.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:24, 5 replies)

I was a sort of webmaster for a portal
I would turn up at 8:30am, boot up the computer. Go upstairs, retrive the fire-safe key and go open the safe. Take out that day's back up cassette. Go to the server room and swap it for yesterday's cassette. Lock up safe and put key back.
Go back downstairs, check my emails which wer never anything decent. Download the logfile from the web-server which took 5 mins whilst making a coffee. Come back, run it through Webtrends to create a report which took another 10mins. Drink coffee.
Go back upstairs, (and this shows how ridiculous the website was put together by a third-part developer) take the website offline for about 5 mins whilst I run a small script to add new stuff to the live database. Restart website.
Go back downstairs, copy graph and figures from Webtrends report into Excel, print it out and plonk it on line-manager's desk.
All done by 9am at the very latest and that was me done for the day.

I worked it out, that even though it was a pitiful pre-min wage salary of £9k, it worked out at £88 per hour.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:24, 1 reply)

Duty First Aider
I once worked part-time as a duty First-Aider at the local ice rink.

The job itself meant wandering around the building with a walkie-talkie, occasionally dispensing plasters to people who didn't wear double socks or tie their boots tight enough and got blisters, and maybe even dealing with real injuries once in a while (highlight was a kid with a broken forearm). But mostly I'd spend the entire shift sitting in the engineer's office/broom cupboard, playing chess with him. And he was damn good at the game too. Other times I'd sit in the first aid room reading books for the entire shift.

Pay was rubbish but it stopped the benefits people sneering at me...
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:22, Reply)

I once had a temp job working for the NUS in Belfast
All I had to do was drive to various Higher Education institutions across N.Ireland, set up a table and hand out NUS student discount cards. Most students were eagerly awaiting them so I had to do very little but simply hand them out. You would however get some suspicious students away in the sticks near Ballymoney:

Me: "Free student discount card?"

Them: "No thanks"

Me: "you sure? 10% off HMV, cheap train tickets etc"

Them: "oh nonono, I'm not falling for that, I don't need a credit card"

Me: *sigh*

And they would simply walk off...or ask what HMV was. It was a great job, I got to travel to all the freshers fairs at colleges and Uni's, stock up on free condoms, lube, latex gloves (so you could wank your partner off safely without catching an STD according to the NUS handbook), pizza, books, pens etc it was great.

What did I get paid for this you ask? £100 a day + expenses. The best bit was the local record shop near me in Belfast at the time used to print identical receipts as the petrol station next door, no name or product info. So I managed to get a few albums and DVD's on expenses under the claim of:

"I needed extra petrol, had to take the B roads to Enniskillen",
( Bamboo Steamer, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Let me do this before anyone else
Your Mum!
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 13:17, 3 replies)