slides.,
When I was 10, I was showing off to everyone by walking up a slide we used to have in our back garden. As every child knows, walking up a slide is the most macho thing in the world.

You may be wondering why I refer to the slide's existence in the past tense. That's because it got thrown away after I fell through it and left an enormous hole in it.

Unfortunately, the act of falling meant that a whacking great jagged shard of plastic went through my leg, cutting it so deeply that I had to go to hospital to stop the bleeding. Personally, I swear blind that you could see bone, it was that deep. Other eyewitnesses tend to demure when asked to recall the incident.

Pride = thing before a fall. Obviously.
(pikelet, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 20:11, Reply)

Not me but my seriously accident prone little bro'
You shouldn't let my little bro (now 25) near a bycycle... ever.

When he was 9 we were cycling round the estate and as we all hurtled round the bend, he didn't and ended up in someones bed of prize roses.

Then there was the time he was showing off on his bike in front of some girlies and pulled a sjid on gravel, ending up with him about 5foot away from his bike with gravel rash all up both legs, and then there was the time we all bombed it down the big hill near us, at the bottom is a sharp bed and if you don't turn in time you end up in a ditch.... yep my l'il bro ended up in the bottom of this very fetid ditch with a bike on top of him and pond life all over him, i think he got a sprained wrist.... and now he's talking about buying a motorbike!!!!!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sun 5 Sep 2004, 18:51, Reply)

my best mate once
accidentally stamped on my eye in the middle of an english lesson.
complete accident honest. quite funny actually.
walked into medical room
'yeh so my eyes bleeding;
'how did that happen'
'foot in eye'
'so you were kicked?'
'no stamped on'
(Jallagher, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 18:50, Reply)

It was a bad day...
There I was masturbating in bed when I realised two things had happened, one by the large amount of blood everywhere that I strained the old fella, two the fact that there was a cup of tea by my bed meant my mum had been in and had spotted me at it, in my panic I manage to pour the hot tea all over my blood covered member, causing me to vomit copiuos amounts of unidentifiable green stuff all over the bedroom, staining both the walls and carpet. In my rush to leave the house I didn't hear the Ice Cream van coming and it hit me breaking my leg, and all those children who thought the van had run out of Ice cream had a good laugh at my expense. bastards.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sun 5 Sep 2004, 18:48, Reply)

About a year ago,
I was cleaning the apartment and went to put some cans in the garage for recycling. Stood up, turned around and smacked my eye into the handlebar of the bike that was hanging from the ceiling.
Hurt like a bitch and had a nice black eye for weeks!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 18:19, Reply)

Fingers
Well, I've managed to break three fingers. One of those occasions, I managed to break a finger in my sleep - woke up and it appeared to be at a bit of a right angle!

Oh and I also walked around for a day with a punctured lung thinking it was a chest infection. Went to hospital the next day to find that my lung had deflated by 30-40%!
(reefus-, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 17:15, Reply)

just read one that reminded me of something i did
not an injury ... but dead funny at the time ... i was waiting for a bus at one of those stops with the plastic in to stop you getting all wet and also to give you something to lean on ... well neways i just assumed it was there and went to lean on thin air, just like del boy talking to trigger on only fools and horses ... anyway i break my fall ok, but not before my mates and about 15 other people start laughing at me for being a dumbass.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 16:43, Reply)

injuries
never used to be a specialty with me until fairly recently ... and then like buses more than one came along at once.
* i was jumping over a wall ... i tripped on the top of it, and extended my arm to supposedly break my fall and ended up shearing the ball of my radius (that knobbly bit on your elbow) away from the main bone. a trip to hospital and two operations later, plus or minus a screw in my arm, and i was fine ... but i still have a massive scar there.
* got in a fight with a mate in berlin back in february ... as i jumped off the bunk bed to punch him in the face (and get mine punched too), i think i cut myself on the bedsprings, bastard eastern berlin craftsmanship, the net result being a finger bleeding all over the place and no A+E room until i got back to england about 18 hours later ... lovely scar from that too.
* probably the most embarrassing was one over which i had no control ... i almost killed a guy abseiling because i had hooked him to me and not a massive tree like i was sposed to, so he decided to take a break 40 foot up in the air and im being dragged slowly towards the wall by my balls ... luckily it was stopped and no one died ... but a few weeks and much agonizing pain down below later, i turn up at hospital and the surgeons tell me i might have torsion (or twisted bollocks for those not in the know) ... after a quick operation all was well ... but it was a little hard to explain w/out laughs back at school.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 16:37, Reply)

in response to native ameoba
the guy was eight years olds therefore his waist could have been level with the toilet rim if his feet were squarely on the ground and not on one of those annoying little boxes that people with young kids have in front of their toilets

Thus his penis would have been at the appropriate height to be trapped if the lid fell down.

I doubt he was claiming to have a penis that reached past his knee. But I have been wrong before.
(monkeyseemonkeydo, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 16:20, Reply)

and another thing...
My mate and I being young happy go lucky lads of about 11 or 12 summers decide to go and have an adventure in the woods.

No, not that kind of adventure.

Anyway it was a nice summers day in Yorkshire and we climbed over a few dry stone walls making our way up a hill.

Having landed after jumping over one wall my mate (yes it happened to him the unlucky bastard) had placed his hands into the grass to stabilise him and brought up his hand while uttering a very high pitched scream.

A wasp had embedded it's sting into the knuckle joint of his finger, and since he had subsequently extended his finger, had trapped the sting and the wasp. Trying to calm an highly agitated friend so the wasp could be removed is quite hard at the best of times.

What was worse was the fact that we had landed in the wasps nest and soon hundreds, maybe thousands, no millions of the buggers were buzzing around.

By the time we had got back to the house he was a mass of stings, even up his shorts perilously close to his member.

I remained unscathed and still look back upon the day with mirth. My friend does not.
(monkeyseemonkeydo, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 16:15, Reply)

while earning some cash to study at university...
Apologies for this relatively unfunny anecdote in comparison to others

I worked for a building company just down the road in the small village I lived in. Having grown up doing physical things on my farm it wasn't too strenuous and I enjoyed it. Having been subjected to various horror stories about work related accidents by my work-mates I took it upon myself to be a bit cautious. Scaffolding poles and similar obstacles were skillfully negotiated for at least six months (one story had been how a water fight had ensued between two of the guys, and one had dashed forward ontop of the scaffold to throw a bucket of water at a rapidly disappearing colleague who had drenched him, when the board beneath him had slipped and he had plummeted to the ground via several horizontal poles including one between the nether regions. One young lad had also had his tongue stuck to a frozen pole as he wasnt the brightest of lads)

Anyway, needless to say my accident occurs when it was just me and one other bloke on a new job with no real hazards accept the foundations which had just filled with concrete, but had left two foot of a hole in which to start the first course of bricks below the ground. Having identified the trench as my major threat I felt relatively safe.
My first mistake.

My second mistake was loading the cement mixer with a full load and turning my back on it.

My third mistake was having set the mixer up on unlevel ground with a bit of brick beneath one leg to level it out.

The fourth mistake was setting the wheelbarrow up with the handles behind me.

I saw all this happen in slow motion - the mixer, vibrating itself off the brick topples forward and shed its load out of the front and 50KG of mortar spills into the waiting wheel barrow.The load of mortar, landing unevenly in the wheelbarrow tips it over and the handles entwine my legs pushing me towards the partially filled in trench. Precariously balancing over the trench at an angle of perhaps 45 degrees I see the mixer continue in its plummet forward into the trench, knocking the wheelbarrow, 50 KG of mortar and me into the trench.

My workmate (the bastard) is pissing himself with laughter. Suddenly he darts forward and is desperately dialing for an ambulance having seen the way my legs were bent awkwardly and fearing I may actually have injured myself comes to my rescue. Therefore i astound him by standing up, having miraculously escaped death and severe injury with only two sprained wrists and severe brusing. Plus a huge damp patch on my jeans where the mortar had hit me in the crotch making me look like I had pissed myself.
(monkeyseemonkeydo, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 15:59, Reply)

Not my injury, but my fault.
I was about three years old, cutting something out from that blue crepe paper they give to you to make things with. My dad came over to me and asked me what I was doing, from behind, and took me by surprise I suppose. As I turned to show him I somehow manged to get him straight in the right eye with the scissors I was holding in my hand. He had to go to eye hospital for a couple of months. It wasn't really very funny at the time, and still isn't now.
( Zuowan, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 15:45, Reply)

I once got my wife's fist stuck up my arse
At least, that's what I told the doctor.
( Zuowan, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 15:40, Reply)

Just now
I hit my head on the table laughing at some of the earlier posts.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 15:14, Reply)

may as well post my pain
Around the ripe old age of 12, during one of those long summers, me and a couple of friends decided to grab everything we could find with wheels, take them to the top of the hill we lived on, and then ride them down.

This plan of course was foolproof, and a good few skateboard / shopping trolley / tricycle races ensued. we soon got bored of this however, and i took it upon myself to ride the skateboard ALL the way down this hill (about 100M) standing. Thing is i couldnt, and still cant skate. The other thing was the, up to this point, un-noticed speedbumb about 80M down said hill.

Basically, i hit this speedbump with quite some speed, proceeded to fly through the air for about four meters, and hit the ground ankle first (no, i dont know how.) the result was the outside of my right foot pressed up against my chest (try it, tis unpleasent,) me on the ground lying on this leg, and numb with pain. My friends found it hilarious of course and took a couple of photos before leaving me in the road to go tell my parents. Turns out i broke my growth plate into five little bits, and had to have a couple of metal rods jammed into my leg.

That was a bad day for me...
(end, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 15:09, Reply)

pbhbh
on a recent saturday in broad daylight in the very middle of wolverhampton town centre, i was a-walking with some friends. i may or may not have been slightly tipsy when i decided to introduce my new found love for leap-frogging things to a three seater bench. not being the most athletic of people, both feet caught the bench and my head had a quick meeting with the floor, in front of forty or so people who all pissed themsleves laughing. great.
(tramp boy, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Right, i just need to sort this out.
Penis + Toilet seat = Ow

Unless your legs are about a foot high, how does this work? For it to actually crush/hurt yourself, it would need to be squashed inbetween the bowl and the seat, which can't be done at the height you stand. If the seat did hit you, it would either just stop, or kind of bounce off it.

Therefore, in my opinion, people who've said that are chatting utter bullshit.

Edit/ But darklight's boat story is comedy
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 13:57, Reply)

Once when I was sailing...
I was an assistant instructor, teaching little kids how to sail. So, I was on a Topaz (small sailing dinghy) with a little 5 year old.

Anyway, another dinghy goes roaring past, and I notice with some slightalarm that the boom, if allowed to continue on its present course would connect with my charge's head.

Thus, being the good samaratan that I was, I stuck my hand out to deflect the boom. I then heard an alarming crunch and found myself being dragged through the water at a very high speed towards a very large, very metal and very solid bouy. Arse.

Apparently my hand got caught, breaking my wrist, dislocating my shoulder and pulling me off the boat. The impact with the bouy had dislodged me and given me a mild concussion, as well as a very copious nosebleed.

The funny thing was, after the rescue boat had pulled me from the water, dazed and bleeding, the senior instructor reset my shoulder, causing me to scream, stand bolt upright and piss myself.

All in front of around 10 little children.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 13:49, Reply)

post
I was once riding in the Forest of Dean with my family, about age 6. There was a gate about 300 metres ahead, at the bottom of the slope I was going down. This gate was designed to get herds of cows through, so it was like 20 feet wide. Next to this gate was the 4ft wide gate for everyone else to use.

"Ah" thought I "I'll show off to my family by gracefully nipping through the smaller gate. I'll just brake a bit first though..."

Squeeze squeeze squeeze- Oh fussocks, the brakes don't work. Panicking, I froze up, and consequently went head first into the post seperating the 2 gates, knocking my little self out for about 5 minutes.

My mum thought I was dead, and indeed I would have been if I hadn't been wearing my helmet. So there's a moral here kids- never try to go through small gaps.
(youthink, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 13:27, Reply)

Never go climbing on a rotten tree
A few months ago, I wasat my great-aunts 80th. A bit boring, so I, with a few of her grand-children start climbing a big tree in her garden and playing 'war' with about any long pointed object we could find.

To stop my self from getting hit with these items, I decided to climb higher up. And no, it didn't collapse under me. An uncle came out, and told us the tree was rotten, ad that we should get down. Instead of my usual jump-onto-nearby-shed-and-slide-down routiune, I decide to climb down the ladder. My foot slips on a large step, and I land on my back, on a large root, with little children all staring at me.

Apoligies for length and rubbishness
(Ukatoton, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 13:21, Reply)

Probably not that funny but anyway...
Small church camp with a group of soon-to-be confirmed kids, and we were staying in a big tent in the Pastor's backyard.
Walked down to the local park where me and a friend were booting around a football (Aussie Rules, not soccer). Well we both chased the ball around, being oval shaped it went off to the left, she followed and I tripped, hitting the ground.
My right wrist was stiff and sore, and I couldn't move it so our fun now over, we trooped back to the Pastor's house. The adults said it can't be broken because by now I could move my hand a little.
A week later I'm finally taken to the doctor because my wrist is still sore (still able to bend it, write with it, etc), sent for Xrays and told my radius is dislocated and bent over the other bone there. First picture in my head - The Phantom popping his dislocated shoulder into place with the help of a rock fissure - so I burst into tears.
Weeks later I'm back at church where I'm sure the Pastor felt like a bit of a dickhead seeing my new cast. : P
PS. I got a night in hospital where I threw up 4 times. Green plastic jelly and water doesn't taste so good 2nd time round.
(isajones, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 13:09, Reply)

Help the Aged? I don't think they need it...
I live in a city with rather a lot of major one way streets, and non-locals seem to find them extremely confusing. I was walking home recently and noticed a pair of oldies, probably in their late seventies or early eighties, attempting to navigate their way through the ebb and flow of rush hour traffic in their boatlike vintage Cadillac sedan. They'd obviously seen the turning they wanted a bit too late, and were attempting to make a left turn from the centre lane on a busy six-lane one-way street. Oblivious to the other drivers, the green traffic light in front of them, and the basic rules of the road, they steadfastly refused to move from the centre lane, preferring to stop traffic in the faint hope that someone would let them in so that they could turn left across three lanes of traffic. Not surprisingly, there were several near misses with other vehicles. I was watching all of this happening as I was walking along, shaking my head and feeling superior. That is, until I walked right into a newspaper box, giving myself a minor black eye. My face was scarlet (and blue!) as I raced home, hopefully before too many people in my neighbourhood noticed what had happened. Oh, how the boyfriend laughed when I got home and explained my injury.

That will teach me not to make fun of the old. They have powers, you know.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 12:56, Reply)

Hurt my head...
I once fell out of a bunk bed on holiday, and smashed my face on the rock floor, but i was alright. Apart from my face swelling up and my brother calling me 'Axel Swolley' (Like Axel Foley, out of Beverly Hills Cop)
(Corrupt, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 12:51, Reply)

Oh and yesterday...
...my brother hit me in the hand with a deoderant flamethrower.It was,how to say,immensely warm.
(That guy with a hat., Sun 5 Sep 2004, 12:14, Reply)

Not me
but at my college we have a rowing team, now rowing really takes it out of your hands and I take unending pleasure from laughing at people who have long thing blisters the whole length of their palm. Not bad but looks it.
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 12:11, Reply)

I now live on a hill
and on the 3rd day at this house,i was going down the 50 metre hill on my scooter VERY FUCKING FAST. So i stomped on the brakes which started to get hot(as they do).this was about the point when i noticed i wasn't wearing shoes.

so what do you do,going 60-80 Kilometres down a hill,unable to brake?you put your foot down.well i did.so i jumped off.1 loss of skin and 3 bleeding toes later,i was sitting in my room absolutely stinging and screaming in pain when i decided to "check the damage".i took my pants off to inspect my knee and my balls were swollen to three times as big!!So i just sat,not moving,until the pain went down a bit(took three hours).didn't go to the doctors because my nuts were back to normal the net morning.
(That guy with a hat., Sun 5 Sep 2004, 12:10, Reply)

Ahem...
Lasted long time (4 1/2 hours)
Him friction burns
He's skinny
I had v painful bruising of the inner thighs.
Nuf sed
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 12:00, Reply)

I got superglue in my eye.
The worst part was that when I turned the bottle over to read the "In case of..." directions, the first thing it says, in huge capital bold letters, is "DO NOT POINT BOTTLE AT FACE OR EYES."
(ShodoPan, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 7:21, Reply)

adult diapers
I also had a friend who used to work graveyard shifts at a store. One night she was standing on a ladder, re-stocking the adult diapers, when they came tumbling down upon her. As you can imagine, they didn't hurt terribly, or leave much of a mark, but still. I think it was a severe bruising for her ego.
(Mabel DelTaco, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 5:00, Reply)

Stupid boyfriend=stupid injuries
Time-travel back to 1993!!! My first major boyfriend happened to be pinned to the floor by a Christmas tree that had been toppled by his cat. I have to ask, if a little cat could topple this tree, why was this 6'2" tall, 180 lb., strapping young teenager unable to wrest it from his frame, opting instead to lay prone underneath it for two hours until his parents returned home to help?

Side note, he was arrested two Christmases later for smashing his parents' TV under the influence of loads of meth. Sadly, we'd broken up by that point. I sure can pick 'em!
(Mabel DelTaco, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 4:49, Reply)