Gay-lick
I used to work in a department store in Dublin, and for a while we had an Indian manager. He had only just moved to Ireland, and was suprised to learn that Gealige is the offical language, not English. He was eager to learn a bit of Gealic, and we obliged.
He wanted to be able to say "hello", and we informed him it was "Pog mo thon".
He went around saying this to all the customers and staff, and couldn't understand why everyone kept doubling up in laughter.
He wasn't best pleased when he found out we'd really taught him to say "Kiss my arse"...

Fad? Ta sé ro-mhór!
(DoTheWh1rlw1nd, Sun 16 Dec 2007, 1:36, Reply)

Chavs are fun...
I was at the office xmas do last week, and ended up drunkenly chatting with the, uh, "laddier" guys from my department. In a flash of twisted inspiration, I asked the nearest one if he liked bukake.

"What's bukake?" he asked.
"Oh, it's a band." I said. "New age R&B shit. A lot of girls like guys who are into bukake."

Cue four pissed-up lads staggering about a famous London venue, asking random strangers and colleagues whether they're into bukake. One guy even asked the vp of finance...
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Sun 16 Dec 2007, 0:45, Reply)

hand+water=sleep piss
well a few years ago me and a bunch of friends were at a festival and my friend jack (the constant butt of all my practical jokes) had smoked one too many and fallen asleep outside his tent, bad move i hear you say.
so the rest of us still awake at this ungodly of hours decide to partake in a little experiment, we had all heard that if you put someones hand into warm water while they sleep they piss themselves...
we decided to give it a go, however it was quite cold this night and the tempiture of the water made jack stir a little, no good i thought. "we need something warmer, something more the tempriture of piss" my friend says... silence falls on our camp for a while, untill i ask for the cup and go behind the tent to fill it up.
we put jacks hand into said cup and wait, it doesnt make him piss himself. we are by no means happy with this outcome... we decide we must take action!
so after using up the last of the film in jacks camera taking photos of our hijinks, we wake jack and precede to tell him he has something on his face, or in his teeth or the likes. we then spend the next day or so starting conversations like "hey jack wouldnt it be horrible if someone made you wipe piss on your face".
it was all fun and frolics untill jack got his film developed and the penny dropped, jack reeeeealy holds a grudge and im still waiting for the retaliation!
(gnomeo, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 23:58, Reply)

Not that funny or creative..
But me and a group of friends have spat into our IT teachers mug of tea/coffee every lesson we've have him for nearly 4 years.

He's drank it every time, much to our childish amusement. He deserves it though, looking like Mario and shouting constantly.

Apologies for such a poor first post.....
(J.Jones, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 23:20, 5 replies)

Try this, it's simple
When your mate goes to the toilet and leaves his mobile on the table, go to the entry in his address book for his girlfreind or wife, and change the number for your own.

Then the world's your oyster. You can have text sex with him or maybe send something like "Dave (if that's your friends name) is out with his mates so come round, i'm horny"

when he's wound up he'll try to ring her and your phone will ring.
( Nutmeg Harpoon dry humped your sister on, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 21:37, 2 replies)

Evil Prank
One night my boyfriends dad and uncle played a prank on their younger brother. It involved a briefcase, a piece of string and a set of stairs.

Whilst the younger brother was sleeping, they tied a piece of string to his john thomas, and the other end to the briefcase. They then proceeded to throw the briefcase down the stairs... a yelp followed and a blur, as he threw himself down the stairs butt naked after the briefcase.

He got his own back, by shoving my boyfriends dad down the stairs, causing him to injure himself on a bike that was at the bottom.
(rockin_jo, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 21:27, 3 replies)

one notch more eviller
Bangers. Bottles...

We didn't think much then.
( bierbelly, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 21:21, Reply)

Two words
Bangers. Cowpats.

I think you can see where this is going.
(emcake putting a donk on it since, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 21:08, 3 replies)

Bomb
I once returned to my car to find a note attached to the windscreen. On it, it said:-

"There is a bomb in your boot"

Inside the boot of the car was another note, which read:-

"A bomb"
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 20:12, Reply)

Dreaming of falling
On a camping trip in London (go figure) I recall trying a spare guy rope around the bottom of a sleeping bag (and inside, the feet) of a sleeping fellow camper with the other end to the back of a Mini.

And driving away.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 19:19, Reply)

Outragous taxi fares
In my younger days, I was frequently outraged at the obscene mark up in taxi fares should my friends and I wish to travel from Liverpool city centre to the heart of plastic scousism- The Wirral.

(The mark up of 15 quid seemed to be due to the taxi man having to pay the £1.30 toll when traveling through the Mersey tunnel.)

After an especially boozy Saturday night out my friends and I devised a fiendish plan to avenge the taxi men's greedy ways.

around 0230 we made our way to the 1st black cab in the taxi rank and asked- "how much to take us through the tunnel mate?"

the predictable "20 quid mate" was taxi man #1's response.

In an attempt to bargain with him we collectively offered him "a fiver and we'll let you suck each of us off" naturally he declined.

we proceeded to make this offer and receive various refusals all along the taxi rank until we got to taxi man # 8.

Me - "how much to cross the water mate?"

Taxi man # 8 - "20 quid lads"

Me- "alright mate, Birkenhead please."

Me and my mates bundled into the back of the taxi, grinning and waving enthusiastically to the previously propositioned taxi men as taxi man # 8 drove past.

I have no idea if our plan worked, but lets face it, who would ever have believed that he hadn't.

fail:safe aka beard of destiny.
(urso beard of destiny, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 19:17, 4 replies)

School Days were most certainly the best
In our little group of friends there was one lad who was obsessed with Oasis. This was around the Britpop era, and so just one mention of Blur would put him in a frenzy. He was trying his hardest to learn to play guitar, but no matter how often we asked, he wouldn't demonstrate. We suspected that he sucked, but in retrospect it was probably a smart move on his part. Kids can be evil.

Anyway, one day we decided to send him a letter from the Oasis fan club. We reckoned if one existed, he would be a member of it and ripe for being a target of teenage pranking. In the letter we told him that he had won a competition to see Oasis live at Wembley, to go backstage and meet the band, and even go to the recording of their new album at Abbey Road.

Although utterly fabricated, that was remarkably prescient as their next album was recorded at Abbey Road and Noel then went through his John Lennon reincarnated phase. Anyway, I digress...

We thoroughly expected him not to fall for it, and we would all have a good laugh about what a crap joke it had been. For one thing, he would surely know he hadn't entered the competition, and for another we had printed the letter on a clapped out dot matrix. Even for the early-to-mid-nineties, this looked utterly shite, even more so considering it was supposed to be representing one of the biggest bands of the decade.

But he fell for it, hook line and sinker. In fact, he wouldn't talk about anything else for days. We had to break it to him, but didn't really know how without really hurting his feelings. We figured if we could find a way to let him down gently, and make him think he had figured out the joke himself all would be right with the world.

So we sent him the concert tickets. Again, shoddily printed, we even included our own names within the text ("sponsored by Captain Skippy's Chips" for example) but to no avail. I expect part of him knew, but refused to accept that he wouldn't be meeting his idols.

When he started bringing it up in class, and boasting to people well above our station about this great opportunity he had been granted, we knew we had to tell him.

He wasn't pleased. He didn't speak with us for weeks, and in fact the whole group dynamic was never really the same again.

I'm sorry James, wherever you are. However there is a little part of me that wishes we had gone all the way, and let him turn up for the concert that didn't exist, or knock on the door of Abbey Road for his appointment with the boys...
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 19:09, Reply)

we were little...
i went to a boarding school, soooo many opportunities for pranks. they seem pretty pathetic when written down but oh what fun they were

we once hung a girls stuffed walrus from the top banister (this was a BIG house, the thing was 4 victorian floors up). oh the mental anguish she endured, best was when someone finally cut it loose and it dropped onto the housemistress' head. much running ensued
(Abel wants to see if that new thing works, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 18:51, Reply)

Toilet video
How to really freak out a young lady.

Step one - set up a stepladder or suchlike in the corner of the toilet. Place video camera on step ladder and position (with tape if necessary) so that the toilet is in the viewfinder (or whatever they call it nowadays).

Step two - video the unoccupied toilet for at least 10 minutes, the longer the better. Keep the sound off.

Step three - wait until you have some mates round. A big party is best.

Step four - wait until a young lady you wish to victimise goes to the toilet. Then play the video of the empty toilet on the living room TV while she is on the throne.

Step five - when she returns to the room start laughing and see her look of horror as she sees the 'live' video feed of the toilet, and all the dirty so-called friends who have just watched her use it.

It was very wrong, but very funny.
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 18:28, 2 replies)

I was fed up of my best friend
always boasting about winning the rally races he does.


So I cut a hole in the fuel tank of his helicopter.
(Kierz, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 17:56, 3 replies)

I used to work
In a relitively infamous burger bar around these parts [Rio's], and the fun we had with some of the part time staff, The most memorable being hanging a rubber chicken from a ceiling pipe, Noose style, With a note saying "We're watching you, careful."

He quit shortly after, I'm currently in the process of aquiring those spring snakes to fill the safe with, No-one will be the wiser...
( [DTMX] Fishing hook, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 17:45, Reply)

As I have mentioned
in previous QOTWs, my A-level German teacher was a prize twunt* and was unbelievably gullible. Among the many pranks we played on him were these:

- Convincing him the English word for "music like Andy Williams, for older people" was "shite", meaning he went up to the headmaster the next day and said "in Germany, we listen to a lot of shite." Bollocking for that one.

- Regularly timetabling our own "room changes", usually to another vacant room in the sixth form centre, or hiding in the kitchen/common room/cloakroom/cleaning cupboard/outside. It would take him damn near the entire lesson to find us.

- On the rare occasion we were in the languages block, hiding in the big fuck-off cupboard and locking the door from the inside. (We once did this to the other German teacher and she threw a massive shitfit so we didn't try that one on her again). This again could go on for ages.

- Buying him a tape of Andy Williams for Christmas... wrapped in tissue, wrapped in paper, wrapped in a box, wrapped in another layer of paper, tinfoil, cracker box, shoebox, medium sized box, large box (the outside of which had German swearwords written on it).

- Refusing to do homework, writing ludicrous versions of homework ("we believe you should set up a town twinning with our beloved Potsdam because of the witch who dances naked in the town square every Thursday evening"), making up songs about random stuff in German and singing them to him (unfortunately, Stalker Boy played a large part in this and this is what he means by "the fun we had in our lessons").

- Immortalising him on Geocities by calling him a "vibrating idiot".

- I once managed to stay concealed under the desk in one of his classes for a good 25 minutes before his leeriness looked under the table and said "Ah ja, here you are."

Our other German teacher was slightly harder to fool so we settled for confusing her: putting the chairs on the desks and sitting on the floor in half lotus as if meditating, listening to New Agey music, hiding under desks, hiding in cupboards, buying her a plastic toy lawn-mower for Christmas (again in a box covered with German swearwords), and generally acting like mad people.

I still got a B for German!


And to History Teacher, who had made his dislike of me apparent, we balanced the bin on the door closing mechanism so when he came in it fell off and bounced all over the place (he later put his foot in it), calling him Kermit the Frog (apparently he looked like him, though I don't see the resemblance myself, setting the clock 15 minutes fast so as well as being perpetually late for our classes, he was even later than he thought, drinking tea and eating biscuits in his classes...

We dressed our Latin teacher's most favouritest bust of Zeus in a woolly hat, scarf and shades on the last day of Year 9 (complete with sign on the blackboard "LOOK AT COOL ZEUS!". All we got for our hilariosity was "Remove."

* Ingolf, if you're reading this, that means "idiot." Just so you know.
( Maladicta, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 16:53, 3 replies)

dad
we all hated my dad as kids, so he came in for a lot of pranks. these include:

salt in the sugar bowl(he was the only person to take sugar in his tea)

sewing his coat sleeves closed when he smacked me

putting broken glass in his shoes

hiding a dead sparrow in his coat pocket

the best one, though, was the "door drop"; we'd close our bedroom door almost all the way, balance something on top of it, then fake a fight so dad would come charging up the stairs to tell us off and get hit on the head by whatever we'd balanced when he barged into the bedroom. we hit him with everything from teddies and books to water balloons and shoes. we realised we'd gone too far when mum's new iron whistled past his nose, point first.
i think that's the closest we ever came to actually killing him.

length? 5 seconds head-start was all we needed...
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 16:44, 1 reply)

My Mum told my brother that his great-great Uncle was the Safety Officer on the Titanic
It was only a few years ago when she overheard him telling someone at a family gathering how no-one in his office had believed him when he recounted the story that she realised he'd fallen for it hook, line and sinker (er, no pun intended there) and had continued to believe it into adulthood.

He blushed an amazing shade of red when she told him the truth... =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 16:34, 1 reply)

my teacher told me...
... that one night after a stag do, they handcuffed to very drunken husband-to-be to lampost and left him there overnight.

They came back the next morning to uncuff him and they came back to find him crying.

When asked why it turns out that at he had been raped.

pretty harsh, but i did burst out laughing when he told me...
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sat 15 Dec 2007, 16:22, 8 replies)

Playing chicken
My friend had an old Ford Fiesta and the boot lock was knackered, you could open it with any Ford key.

One night we broke in and left an uncooked chicken carcass on his back seat, with its seatbelt on, so that when he got in his car the next day he'd find a new passenger.

Unbeknown to us the car wasn't running at the time, so the chicken sat in the back of his car undiscovered for a week, in the middle of summer.

Apparently the smell of rotten meat and the flies and maggots crawling around on it made him throw up. I still find kind of bad about that, but it was funny at the time.
(Pesky Eskimo Gadzooks!, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 15:31, Reply)

don't you like coffee???
Once in high school we put a rather large live snake from the biology room into a coffee can and put it on my teachers desk. When she moved the can aside we asked "what's wrong Mrs. Crawford, don't you like coffee?" she must have jumped about 3 feet into the air when I threw a rubber ball at the can, knocking it over and unleashing the snake
(McShaggswell, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 14:56, 1 reply)

One week before my wedding
I sent a text message to my wife's best friend:

"I think we should talk. I need to know I am not making a massive mistake. I must know that there is no chance for us, before it is too late."

I then passed the (shared) telephone to my wife whenever she called, with a comment along the lines of 'Oh, Jim's here, you'd better talk to her'.

Eventually she called me on the Thursday when I was at the reception venue delivering the cake.

"Hi, Manley, do we need to talk?"

I managed about 30 seconds with Matthewparker, my best man, pulling stupid faces before I broke down into laughter.

It was cruel in hindsight, but at least I know that Charlie can keep a secret, eh? My only regret is that it didn't go into church. I'd love to have watched her face at the 'Speak now or forever hold your peace' juncture.
( LordManley twitter.com/LordManley, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 14:51, 2 replies)

Playing silly sods
At uni my mates and I had a custom of after staying over watching tv til 3 or 4 in the morning we would head off home. The ritual was to nick something from each others house without it being noticed so taking the other house's tv remote etc as we left. This got to a point where at the run up to Christmas I was over drinking too much Stella and decided enough was enough and I was going home. Got downstairs to an empty living room but with a very nicely decorated 4 foot Christmas tree. I thought.." oohh...now that would be a steal". I picked the whole thing up by the top, walked out the door and walked half a mile through Bradford at 4 in the morning with this fully decorated Christmas tree. They noticed something was missing though.
(stog, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 14:04, Reply)

No Mine, very much stolen BUT
I thought it fitted well with the QOTW.

"ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight asshole
cyph33r: YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I FUCKING HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
cyph33r: FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE"

I wish i could trick my friends this much.....
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 13:32, 11 replies)

Me and some chefs at my old work.
A few years ago, I worked in a kitchen and it was the last day of one of the chefs. A couple of us kept him distracted while the rest put the plans into action.

Hid his (freshly soaked) clothes in one of the chest freezers (he was obviously wearing his whites at this point), put green food colouring in his can of coke and pierced lots of little holes in the side above the coke level, and the obligatory classic, the hidden fish in the car. His whites and face got covered in green coke first, but he knew he couldnt show the pissed off-ness or he would make it worse for himself. Next up was discovering the frozen clothes in the freezer. The whole kitchen staff and the waiters were pissing themselves laughing at him. Then a few days later he phoned the work about the smell in his car.

Poor bastard
(jones, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 13:30, Reply)

In the 70's...

I rigged the showy-off twat's motorbike so the front wheel would fall off as soon as he hit the ramp.

He broke nearly every bone in his body.

That'll teach him to attempt to jump over 50 double decker buses.

Daredevil my arse!

Still, Now he's just died I feel a bit guilty about it now.


Oh hang on...I thought you said 'Evel Pranks'

...

\coat already on
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Sat 15 Dec 2007, 11:26, 1 reply)

The Death of Dave
Apologies in advance for length - it was a bit of an epic prank.

Back in College (all of 3 years ago now, how old I feel), the second year was fantastic. We felt like we owned the college - we'd been there an entire twelve months, we knew all the staff, how to blag free food from the canteen, who in the smoking area sold weed, everything. And so owning the college itself, we also owned any first years that were stupid enough to hang out with us. And hang out with us they did.

One girl in particular attached herself to our group (we will call her Sammy, for that was, and probably still is, her name). She was intensely irritating, loud and generally obnoxious and after a few weeks of following us from the canteen to the smoking area, smoking area to the field, around college and then on the bus into town, we decided enough was enough - she had to be ditched. But how to do it? She seemed intent on shadowing one guy in particular (the aforementioned Dave) and so with his blessing (it may even have been his idea, I forget now) we set about faking Dave's death.

It began one evening with someone calling Sammy's mobile in a panic - "Dave's been in a car accident! He's at the hospital in a really bad way. We're all here but he's asking for you, Sammy!". Being a first year, and thus only 17, Sammy could not drive. She ended up getting her mother out of bed at 11pm to drive her to the hospital where, upon arriving and not being able to trace Dave's location (what with him being happily at home having a beer and a good laugh at Sammy's expense), she called back the person who'd rung her earlier. "No," she was told, "we're not there! We're at {hospital name} hospital, in {town name} But oh God Sammy, it's too late! Dave's DEAD!" Cue floods of tears from both parties - fake from the person 'breaking the news' of course, but oh so very real from poor old Sammy. In his hour of need, Dave had asked for her, and she hadn't got there in time. How would she ever live with the guilt?

But it wasn't over there. Oh no. The next day someone "confided" to Sammy that in his last moments Dave had said that he wished she could have been there, as he thought he loved her, and wanted to tell her before he died. Hearing this of course, Sammy gushed that she wished she'd known, as she'd loved Dave all along, etc. which was quite plainly bullshit, but when the person in question is dead, I suppose you can get away with that sort of thing. Anyway, that evening we conviened on MSN as young folks do (or did in my day, they're probably all too busy doing drugs and mugging pensioners these days) and began to discuss the fun of this prank. We started a group conversation (with everyone's display names being "RIP DAVE I'LL MISS YOU!!1" and other such sentimentalities) and invited Sammy in. It started out as you might expect, people sharing their grief at the loss of their friend and discussing details of the funeral to be held the next week. That is, until one person who 'hadn't heard' of Dave's death (let's call this gent Larry) entered the conversation, and asked what all the fuss was about. "Haven't you heard? Dave's dead." Larry enquires as to which Dave this is. "Dave Smith." (name changed to protect the oh-so-guilty). "That cunt?" says Larry, "Good riddance."

Cue general outrage from the group until one by one, people start to turn.

"Well actually, he owed me money, the bastard."

"He stole my girlfriend in year 11."

"He slept with my sister you know. Git."

The final straw was when Mike, Dave's brother entered the room, and showed absolutely no grief over his brother's untimely demise, but instead was just pleased as he'd be "getting the bigger bedroom now!". This conversation went on for about 3 hours, I have the full transcript somewhere for anyone who doubts that people this evil truly exist. Eventually it turned to the absolutely ridiculous, with two people claiming that when the hospital had refused to honour Dave's final wishes (to do with some bizarre religion he belonged to, I believe), they had 'liberated' Dave's body from the hospital mortuary and were keeping it in a giant freezer in their basement. Sammy actually bought all of this, and was disgusted by her apparent friends' callous attitude towards their friend's tragic death.

The next day we were stood in the smoking area, which at our college was generally just part of the car park. Whilst we stood there badmouthing Dave and talking about who was going to get his stuff, Sammy stood in stoney silence. After a few minutes, a Ford Ka whizzed into the car park and parked up a small distance away. Out got Dave, who sauntered casually up to the group and hugged Sammy. She burst into tears.

I've never been more certain I'm going to hell.
(Mr. In-Between has regretted posting this ever since, Sat 15 Dec 2007, 10:19, 7 replies)