is there such a thing as to much chocolate?
at the age of 7 I still believed that they're was no such thing as a limit on chocolate.
however one day while at Hershey park I decided to test that theory. so one morning at breakfast I ordered chocolate waffles, pancakes with chocolate chips in them with chocolate syrup and hot Cocco to drink.
needless to say it was a solid week before I could even LOOK a chocolate which kind of sucks being a candy themed park.
(Rated Arrr for pirates and nudity, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 1:11, 1 reply)

I could probably come up with something better
But I also did the blind experiment. My glasses were broken and I wasn't seeing much of anything anyway. Also, we had recently watched the movie Proof starring Hugo Weaving as a blind man.

I wandered around the apartment of my parents-in-law and tried taking pictures with my camera without looking at all. This is what I ended up with.
www.daehanmindecline.com/digital/20051205.html
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 1:06, Reply)

Not really "pointless", I suppose...
...but who first thought "I'm going to squeeze those dangly things on that cow and drink what comes out"?

Or "Mmmm, I know! Orange, apple, cabbage and pineapple! That'll be nice in mayonnaise!"?

Or how about "Those things in the shells look vile! I'm going to cook them in a white wine sauce and call them mussels!"?

And the last one for now... "I wonder what snails taste like, in a a bit of garlic"?

I mean, eh? I actually like all of the above (apart from snails, they just taste like mud to me), but I never would have discovered them on my own...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 0:56, 11 replies)

Only today
I tried to make an omelette with cheese and onion.

Was nice scrambled egg I ended up with.

Think I'll stick to boiling or frying in future!
(puggs, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 0:38, 3 replies)

Bought 6 bottles of 'Water Joe' - mineral water with added caffine
They were on sale in some cheap corner shop about 10p each, took them to college with me drank them all within a couple of hours to see what would happen.

Crippling stomach cramps, laxitivity and being so buzzed that I turned hypersensitive to both the above maladies.

In retrospect I probably could have died.

Edit: this is the bugger www.waterjoe.com/
( rjmrjm, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 0:16, 2 replies)

Some years ago
I once worked in a scientific research lab. The work wasn't particularly challenging: simply take the participants, and test their skills through a series of challenges which were gradually increasing in difficulty that had been set by my superiors. After guiding them gently through, and watching them succeed with flying colours; it was often hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Unfortunately, one test subject then proceeded to break my heart, tear me to pieces, then throw me into a incinerator. Despite this, as I burned it hurt because I was so happy for them.

GLaDOS
(Merrep, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 0:00, 4 replies)

2001 Sleep Deprivation Study
For the whole year of 2001, I conducted a study on sleep deprivation. Like I've said on many a QoTW, I've never had many friends. I wanted to see how lack of sleep effects the brain so I avoided it at all costs. I would stay up for days at a stretch and succumb to the eventual sleep, waking up and trying it again, this time for longer. My mind at that time swirled with enlightened thoughts and I was sure I was the Buddha incarnate. I had found the meaning of life. But when the sleep study ended and I went back to my normal and somewhat sane self, all I found as proof of my enlightnment was pages and pages of this (these are actual excerpts from my sleep deprivation journal):

Time moves slow and so do I -- everything seems to be happening behind a waterfall of maple syrup. The air seems palable.

If that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, old people wouldn't be so frail.

The clock just struck 4:25, as it does everyday at about this time.

The world has closed its eyes to me and everything else, and your thoughts detatch and become real, somehow, moving breathing lifeforms that you no longer have to feed.
Day is breaking. Smash.


At the pizza place we went to, there was an entire, possibly epic game of chess going on on the ceiling, and everyone around me was too busy to notice.

The Spanish channel is yammering on and on inside my head. I wish I could understand it; maybe they are saying something important. Instead he just talks and talks, in a language that I don't understand, words seem to overlap as the tempo of the talking gets faster. Is this even Spanish, or something that just sounds like it?

Hammers and nails, hammers and nails, it's what we use to kill garden snails.

Pippo was a normal boy with extraordinary powers. He seemed to see things that the other people around him didn't even bother to take notice of. For instance, as long as Pippo could remember, there was always a giant comet hurtling towards Earth. One day he looked up and cried, "Holy fuck, a giant coment!" Since then he's always been praised for his above average perceptual skills.

If I were to pour a cup of coffee for the sole purpose of dumping it on someone, than I probably wouldn't put sugar in it first.

Right now I have the word "irrelevancy" stuck on repeat in my head. I don't know why. But it seems strangly...irrelevant.

Just now I was walking under some trees, and acorns kept falling on me. I think the squirrels are trying to kill me, but I can't prove it.

Today I figured out that if you take any monosyllabic word and double it, you'll have either the name of a monkey or a panda bear.

Today I was talking to Erika about having a purple toilet in your kitchen. I postulated that a good way to con someone would be to simply invite them into your house. They would see the toilet, and go, "My God! A purple toilet!" and then, "Hey! There's a toilet in the kitchen!". Finally, they would put it together and exclaim, "Holy fuck! There's a purple toilet in the kitchen!" While they are standing there all confused, you could take their wallet. I even wrote a song about it.


A guy with two glass eyes only looks like he can see.



As you can see, sleep deprivation gives you illusions of profound enlightenment while really only providing you with a vast and playful insanity. Sort of like college...
(BrainSurgerysFun, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 23:54, 8 replies)

I had
a whole box of Black Cat Fireworks and my parents were out of town! I had the whole house to myself and, not having many friends or hobbies, decided to see what those babies could do. The first attempt was not a success: the black cube fizzled, sparked and died. In retrospect, this was probably a good idea, as I was for some reason trying this indoors...on my own bed. I took the Black Cats outside only to be disappointed with similar results. These fireworks were weak, children's toys, I'd been conned. I had purchased eight boxes of them hoping to have some riotous fun during Spring Break while everyone was away and now...

But I wonder what happens when you just dump all of them out of the box and light the whole heaping pile? I couldn't think of anything else to do with them, really, so I did just that.

Hssssss!!!! WOOOOSH!!! The pile went up in flame, igniting rapidly, exploding into the sky! It was monumental! It was not what I would have expected at all. I was thrilled, even as smoke barrelled into the house and rose alarmingly into the sky, and I rejoiced in the fire before getting the hose and quickly putting out the inferno.

I don't know why I tried anything like this, really, as during that time my mom's husband was a REAL asshole. He once screamed at me for two hours because I accidentally got ketchup on the lid of the ketchup bottle during dinner. And as soon as I put out the fire I realized I was DEAD: there was now a big black spot where I had dumped the Black Cats.

I tried everything. I scrubbed at it with soap and water and even nicked a tube of White-Out Correction Fluid, poured the whole bottle on the cement hoping it would...I dunno...white out my crime. Of course, it did not work.

I spent the rest of my days very nervous and very quiet, waiting for them to come home and notice the alarmning black spot on the cement. My mom noticed it immediately after coming home.

Mom: What's this black spot? What happened here?
Her asshole husband: Oh, that? That's always been there, hasn't it?
Mom: Oh, maybe you're right.


So that's the experiment: first an experiment in fire and explosions and secondly a psychological experiment that I am pleased to say I learned a lot from, as I never got caught and was thus never punished for nearly burning the house down.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 23:42, Reply)

Lifelong Pointless Experiment
This experiment started at 14 with me challenging addictions. The simple result is I lost. After making on average £100k per year for 10 years, I am now penniless. I had a good run mind.

I still recommend ketamine. That drug has a lot of bad press.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 23:18, 1 reply)

Kind of a prank now, but it started as an experiment...... and sorry for length.
For this anecdote, I will be using fake names for those involved, as the experiment/prank is still ongoing, and using real names could jepodise it's success.

Ok, so a while back now me and two of my chums were in a three way instant message convo, for anonymousisity's sake we'll call them Dave, and Paul. The convocation starts grow boring when we get a pop-up that another one of our friends friend has come online. Now friend number 3, (we'll call him Jim), is one of those intellectual types with absolutely NO common sense, so we decide to test his gulability, and thus the Experiment "how quickly can we convince Jim that one of his friends is gay" is hatched, we decide on one of our close friends who we'll call "Fred" to be the reactor in this test.

We all had various hypotheses to the out come of this experiment. I guessed that it would probably take a good few hours and would probably need to bring Fred in on it, Dave hypothesized that it would probably take around half an hour, and Paul thought that we would never do it. So, after a few minuets of discussion upon how we would conduct the experiment, we decided that me and Paul would play the part of telling Jim that Fred had came out to us, and Dave would be pretending that he knew nothing about Fred's coming out, and the news be new to him.

So we create a new chat room and pull Jim into it, the conversation started off something along the lines of this..... (I believe Dave still has the transcript)(, remember Dave is pretending to not know about Fred's coming out)

Me: Hey
Dave: Yo
Paul: Hey
Jim: Hi
Paul: Man, I can't believe about Fred
Me: I know, it's completely out of the blue
Dave: What about Fred
Me: Oh wait don't you know?
Paul:I don't know if I know unless you tell me what it is
Dave: Do you know Jim?
Jim:No
Paul: Madlyinsane, your defiantly talking about the same thing as me right?,
Me: Yeah im pretty sure.
Jim: What is it?
Me: I don't really know if we should tell you, it's not really our place.
Paul: Madlyisane, we may as well tell them, cos their going to be suspicious now, plus we don't really want them asking around trying to find out.
Me: Ok then, I'll let you tell them
Dave: What? what?
Paul: Ok basically today, Fred came out...
Jim: WHAT?????
Dave: ah I always expected it
Dave: I mean it does make sense.
Jim: No way this is bollocks, you guys are just messing with us.
Me: Why would we be messing with you with something like that, it's not really something to joke about, lying about it would just be ass hole-ish. **I still feel guilty about saying/typing that now**
Jim: I suppose.

Anyway, I'm sure you all get the idea, a small story from Paul about Jim confessing to him earlier in the day, and a quickly made up transcript from me of Fred coming out to me over MSN was all it took to catch Jim hook, line, and sinker.

Results
Total time to convince Jim that Fred is gay: 12 minuets
Level of Jim's Gullability: 9/10

Epilogue
So after convincing Jim that Fred was gay with such ease we decide, to not stop at the end of the experiment and to carry on with it. The following day at college, (bear in mind that Fred has no idea about this) Me and Jim were talking and all of a sudden I find a gay porn mag thrust in front of my eyes, and with my delight, and Jim's shock, who would be holding this mag-o-cock? Why none other than Fred :D. In the days following Specs of genius coincidence like this just kept on coming, Such as Fred resting his hand on Jim's knee whilst in a lesson, Paul's new nick name that he had given Fred "Big Bender" which seemed to love, and responded to, and Jim looking up just as Fred was stood in front of him in a ridiculously camp pose.

Anyway, as times moved on, we started to forget about the experiment, and assumed that Jim had figured out that it was a joke, until about two weeks ago, Me, Dave and Jim are walking to a lesson together, and Jim pipes up with... "You know when I found out that Fred was gay, I promised myself that I wouldn't let things change, and that he'd still just me the same old Fred, but things would be a bit weird to start off with, but he hugged me the other day, and the hug didn't feel like a normal friendly hug, he seemed to embrace it a bit more" Of course this was a ridiculously hard moment for Me and Dave to not burst out laughing but we somehow managed hold it in. This event sparked a new experiment "How quickly can we convince Jim that Fred has the hots for him" Results: around 20 seconds.

Again I appologise for the length.
(Madlyinsane, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 23:13, 5 replies)

Whilst at college 6 odd years ago
A friend and I conducted a test to see how much change we could gather just by asking,

"Can we have some money please?"

No pleading, no explanations, and if someone said 'no' we moved on straight away.

We asked everybody in the entire college over the course of a day. Most people bemusedly doled out a few coppers and occasionally the odd 10p, 20p, much appreciated. Some people even doled out pounds and I think we got a fiver from a stupid teacher.

We got about £40 and then announced our thanks to the common room and that we were off to get pissed. Some were angry, some were still bemused.

It was kind of pointless but we did make a lot of free money.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 22:49, Reply)

a bit like Ulic's story
only it was glacial acetic acid, i wanted to know how it smelt compared to vinegar and i got my nose too close to the bottle and some went straight up my nose
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 22:24, Reply)

dead frog gassing
In my science block at school I accidently stumbled on a secret cupboard that contained loads of bell jars with various dead animals in them, all submerged in lovely formaldehyde.

So obviously, the best thing to do was to turn on a radiator (in the middle of summer) and hide about four medium sized jars with partly decomposed small animals in them on top of these warm incubators and wait to see what sort of charming perfume it would produce.

Cue the entire science block being closed down for two days so it could be fumigated and cleaned from head to toe after finding the source of what has to be one of the most unpleasantly pungent, headache inducing smells I have ever had the pleasure to inhale.

Nice work Doc.
(drshipman iz in yr shower killing yr nan, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 22:22, Reply)

How long can you go...
Without washing?

Was the brave experiment that my housemate and I embarked on. The first day is fine for obvious reasons. At the end of the second you feel a bit dirty. At the end of the third, you can really smell yourself.

Unfortunately for me, I'm quite an active person, and play a reasonable amount of sport, compared to my competitor / fellow idiot who sleeps most of the day. Due to me having worked up some substantial sweatiness in the gym, the fourth day was absolute hell - my arse crack and testicles were itching like I'd caught some horrible STD after being raped by a ringworm, and every time I moved I got an acrid burst of stale sweat to the face.

The fifth day was even more uncomfortable - things got worse when I discovered that my housemate had got up at 5am specially to have a shower without me noticing, so I sat through a full day of lectures (on my own, as nobody would come near me) before the paranoia kicked in and I stole his towel to feel for dampness.

If experiments have winners... Actually, there's no winners in that kind of challenge.
(Merrep, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 21:59, 2 replies)

School Chemistry Lab Strength Butyl Nitrate
The older you stay doing chemistry, the more fun out of class experiments become. (explosions, thermite, smoke bombs, strong acid and even stronger alkalies)
However, trying pure butyl nitrate to see if you get the rush like poppers on a night out is just fucking painful.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 21:57, 3 replies)

Angry Chris
From the age of 11 to the age of 18 i used to go to a drama group on saturday mornings. When i was about 16 a boy called chris joined. The only way to describe him was that he looked like a potato. i've never seen a more potato ish person in my life.
But anywho that could have been overlooked if he was of normal temperment. However, chris was possibly the angriest person i've ever met. The smalled thing would send him over the edge and create a half an hour long splurge of garbled west country swearing and shouting.

After seeing him reach these fits of rage a few times, we realised the only sensible things we could do as humans beings was to see how many time we could subtely touch him before he killed someone.

so the games began......

Some one sitting next to him would lighty brush against his arm, or we would bump into him when walking past him. The rules of the experiment dictated that we couldn't acknowledge that we touched him or apologise as poor manners we're likely to be the cherry on the cake of course.

And good for him, he lasted a good month before going mental and pinning some poor boy up against the wall by his throat.

What i learned from this experiment: never anger a potato.
(minsh, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 21:55, 1 reply)

HEADLESS AND POINTLESS EXPERIMENTATION
Back in the day I was one of those evil vivisectionists.

I was studying the effects of neurotransmitters on aggression in the ringdove (streptopelia risoria). I used to have to cut the heads of the poor little critters before dissecting their brains (believe it or not the fastest and least cruel way of killing them - ask any pigeon fancier for collaboration of this). Their wings used to flap a lot once the head was removed.

Three years later I was able to get a PhD for explaining why doves can't fly once their heads were cut off.

They can't see where they are going.

Edit: Re malapropist error pointed out below - he's right. Mea culpe. Last time I post something here drunk.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 21:24, 1 reply)

Poor students + cheep caffeine = 20 year old heart attacks
Some of these stories have brought back memories of a very strange period of my life.

A few years back me and my friend repeatedly found ourselves coming to the weekend with the highly unusual desire to punish our bodies and chemically induce our minds to leave the harsh reality of living in our run-down little town. (Imagine that!)

As many stories involving ill-advised experiments go it was conceived though an unlikely combo of the above desire, and a lack of cash with which to achieve it.

We would have to improvise!! We sat down and a plan was devised,

We concluded the cheapest way to get off our trolley was to stay at home, where it was warm and had TV, internet and terrible, terrible films. We also assumed that budget supermarkets and bulk goods would be the best way forward.

OFF TO LIDL!!!!

Yes, that fantastic shining hub of organized commerce that is Lidl, we stumbled in and began to look around for their biggest, finest, cheapest alcohol. (Or something that resembled alcohol) This part was easy, we came across a bottle of 40% German vodka which was, and I believe still is, being sold at 0.7L for £6.99. Now…. The mixer.

We paced up and down the isles trying to decipher the cheap knock-off labels and work out what the hell we were buying when we happened across something special…..

Tiger Energy Drink! It shined and unholy orange shine with a big pissed off tiger on the front of it, it looked absolutely awesome the can itself looked like it was about to fuck you up. We then looked at the back and to our utter astonishment it was chemically, identical to red bull, in nutrient, ingredient and, all importantly, caffeine levels. Then there was the price – a student friendly 24p per can. It was at this point it was clear what we should do. The math’s was quickly done and we concluded that one crate… 24 cans would cost £5.76. Picking up one delivery crate each we stumbled to the tills and made our purchase.

Though neither of us had said it, we both knew what would be happening tonight… at that price how could we NOT try and drink a whole crate in one sitting.

We got home, crate in hand, and grin on face. Sat down and opened the first can. It smelt like acidic death… we poured some in to our cheap German vodka…. It looked like bright orange tramp piss. We tasted some…. It burned, far too sweet, yet far too acidic at the same time. Like drinking pure sucrose mixed with bright orange tramp piss mixed with acidic death.

As the night progressed we each slowly made our way through our crate, sinking one after another, gradually REDUCING the amount of vodka just to see if we could actually drink that much caffeine. As time went on I noticed my heart start to beat faster and faster. It felt strange but it was clearly nothing I couldn’t handle, not when I had my friend to beat. So I drank faster and faster and my heart began to beat more and more. ¾ of the way (18 cans) and I went to the toilet. Pissing bright orange tramp pissy acidic death, my heart hammering away in time to the finest 1000bpm jungle gabba I began to feel like I couldn’t go on.

It will not end this way I told myself. Sod my health and my heart. I will not be beaten by a crate of cheap stimulant. I ran out of the room, bounced off the sofa with finest matrix wall running skills landing gracefully on my intended sofa (at least in my mind that’s what I did, I was reliably informed the next day I came stumbling into the room at speed, hit one sofa, slammed my face into the wall and collapsed like a sack of shit onto the other sofa) Quickly sat up and downed the last 6 cans one after another in quick succession. A short while later my friend too finished his crate and we sat in triumph staring at the wreckage of the room and congratulating ourselves on one of the most pointless and stupid things we had done so far in our short lives.

Then there was the aftermath, rocking backwards and forwards, the paranoia, the sweats, the giggles, the “why oh why were we so stupid to have done this”, the genuine terror at the fact our hearts were beating so fast and we couldn’t stop it. We were surly going to die. The morning came and went, the afternoon came and went, then evening the next day rolled around and we were still sitting there, awake for over 48 hours, still buzzing, still panicking that we were about to die any second.

Eventually it wore off, we thanked the great sky people and the various gods that we had begun to pray to that we were still alive and vowed never to do anything as stupid as that again…..

The next weekend we went straight to Lidl and brought another two crates of the stuff

And the weekend after that…

And the weekend after that….

For nearly 3 months, almost every weekend we sat down with 24 cans of cheap red-bull knock-off and drank until we felt our hearts exploding in our chests. Every weekend we vowed never to do it again, but kept coming back for more… I have no idea why we did it to ourselves….

It was just so cheap…..
(The_Mighty_Spleen, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 21:18, 1 reply)

I have a sciencey brain
and although many of my experiments have been humorous, flamable, loud, explosive and/or stupid; none of them have ever been pointless.
I learnt something from every single last one.

Often I learnt not to do it again.

Go, my children, go and experiment.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 21:13, 1 reply)

I also used this one for the Dumb things you've done QOTW
I once snorted an orange pixie stick (those little straws full of sherbet)

Just to see what would happen...


What happened was pain...and orange sneezes
(ecilA Alice...has nothing to do, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 21:03, 2 replies)

Mind control
The human mind is a subtle and delicate thing, and putting it in front of 120 psychology students and expecting them not to tear the wings off to see how it flies is an act of stunning naivety. Still, every year people choose to put themselves in the firing line and try to lecture the little bastards. And boy, were we bastards.

The greatest experiment we ever tried was inspired by Pavlov. Reasoning that the dogs didn't have to consciously reason that the bell meant food was coming, I figured that the same should be true of humans. All I needed was a victim, a lecture theatre full of like-minded bastards and a way of keeping score.

The like-minded bastards were easy to find, and I had an opportunity to recruit them fairly early on in the term when a lecturer failed to show. This gave me the opportunity to take to the front and launch the grand experiment.

The question I asked them was simple - just as Pavlov made dogs salivate when they heard a bell, could we make a lecturer sweat when she thought a lecture was going well?

Obviously we couldn't measure a lecturer's sweat directly, unless one of us was prepared to seduce the luckless victim and take regular swabs - and even our flexible moral code drew the line at this. Instead we reasoned that the closer the victim was to the radiator at the side of the lecture theatre, the more they'd be sweating. Simple.

Thus the game began. When the lecturer moved towards the radiator, we leant forward and tried to look interested. When the victim moved away, we sat back and started getting distracted. The first couple of lectures were agony - trying to look as absorbed as possible whilst 120 people all try to stifle giggles because you once stood up and suggested something stupid - is nearly impossible.

After a month, my records show, the lecturer was spending 64% of her time within about 10m of the radiator. Within three months we'd got that to within 90% and we were pushing her more and more often into the 5m zone - a position so ludicrously uncomfortable that she couldn't actually see her own slides. By the end of the year we actually managed to get her to collapse with heat exhaustion after some clever bastard (not me, sadly) thought to bribe the caretaker to put the heating on full blast for two hours in the middle of summer (for "servicing", apparently) - we had conditioned her so well that she was unable to move out of the swiftly christened "death zone".

I guess this doesn't qualify for a pointless experiment as it taught me quite a lot. For example, if you're humping a radiator to get attention, you're best off getting a new job for the sake of your health. It also taught me that subtle mind-control techniques are amazingly effective. Now you will send me all your money.

(No apologies for length, because it was clearly enough to fuck at least one mind. No apologies for not naming lecturer nor university - but we told the new undergrads the secret and I like to think they've passed it on so that she's still there, hugging the radiator. Imagine the damage it'd cause if she realised the reason behind her addiction to Hammerite?)
(psd eats stuff. Often., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 20:32, 4 replies)

Vodka disaster
At 14 or thereabouts,I read that one could make a drinkable vodka substitute from discarded potato peelings. Cue disastrous distillation experiment. Having no spuds to hand, I settled for sprouts and cooked these up with other bits of vegetable matter until I had a green gunge, which I then attempted to ferment in the garden shed with some yeast nicked from Mum's baking cupboard.
After a few days, I reckoned that there must be enough alcohol in the bubbly green soup to justify distillation. With a home-made still made from a metal bike bottle & plastic tubing, I put my first batch of voddie on the kitchen stove.
Sadly, as soon as it got hot, the (very bright)green sludge blocked the tubing & the resulting pressure blew out the top - along with a pint of boiling gloop which coated the kitchen ceiling and dripped everywhere.
There followed a panicky hour cleaning up & repainting the ceiling tiles with dap whitener before the parents came home. I couldn't believe they hadn't seen , but they said nothing - thanks M&P...
(grumpypolecat, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 20:11, 1 reply)

4 Years lurking ...and this is what i have to show for it....
I must have been all of about 15 years old and in my final year at school when my older brother of 21 joined the Territorial Army. Now the great thing about joining the TA apart from pretending to be a soldier at the weekend is you get to travel the world and visit all manner of places including Germany.

The great thing about Germany is that they are pretty lax on weapons for self protection including Stun Guns so when my brother went over there he managed to smuggle back through customs a stun gun (for the protection of his then girlfriend against dirty rapists).

We did the obligatory testing it on each other thing which was …ummm fun however, I thought that there was much more fun to be had that didn’t involve me being pinned down and zapped.
Being the annoying far superior in intellect and scientifically minded little brother that I am decided that there was much more fun that could be had with this muscle spazim’ing device.

I decided to take the dog for his morning crap and equipped myself with the stun gun for protection against the chav scum who were on their way to the local school. (I went to a school outside the estate because they were thick as turd).

On my way past the school I noticed that it had a metal chain fence about 10 foot high, now on that fence were some birds tweeting their merry little heart out (scientific mind at work) metal… electricity… So I pull out the stun gun and applied to the chain link fence…. Birds fall off the fence and flap about on the floor uncontrollably about 20 metres away.

I’m thinking the stun gun is a great opportunity to scare off the kids at school that gave me a hard time for living on the chav scum estate. Do I decide to flash around the stun gun to the chav scum and scare them and run the risk of getting “grassed on” or should I be a little more subtle. I applied my new found knowledge that birds fall off metal fences when electricity is applied to a new environment, the queue to get in to the class room before the French lesson.

The double hard bar steward kids used to sit on the radiators before heading into the lesson during the winter months (metal radiators)….

ZAAAAAAPPPPPPPP…. 15 or so people get the bird on a wire treatment with 50,000 AC volts.


Lenght about 20 metres :O)
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 19:42, 5 replies)

After gettin the feeling...
my bowels needed emptying
i decided to time myself to see how long i could hold the departing faeces in

result = Shit covered boxers

if i said i had skidmarks it would be a terrbible understatement
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 19:37, Reply)

Provided it is empty, and not stopped mid-route.
It is quite an experience to get in a lift on the ground floor, select the top floor (6th in my case), stand in the middle of the lift and whirl around as fast as your can.

I then did exactly the same thing going 6th to ground, and threw up in the office lobby.
( Thrill_My_Chinchilla is old and unimproved, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 19:20, 2 replies)

Can pineapple change the taste of semen?
(For the better)

About a zillion years ago my then GF read - probably in Cosmo - that if a bloke eats quite a lot of pineapple, regularly and often, it would make his semen taste pleasantly sweet.

Needless to say, an experiment was set up, and I was force-fed fucking pineapple for days on end (what you'll do for a blow-job, eh?). The good news was that the results were positive - "it" tasted much nicer.

But after a while the effects "wore off", and blow jobs decreased in regularity and enthusiasm.

My own fault really. I shouldn't have started flushing tin after tin of pineapple chunks down the bog.

And I definitely shouldn't have started bingeing on pickled eggs and anchovies.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 19:14, 1 reply)

She's a clever girl, really.
A friend of mine has planned to spend the next month eating huge amounts of certain foods each week to see if she can get her urine to change colour, starting with spinach.

I am anticipating postworthy results from her efforts. Who says those PhD types are stuffy and boring?
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:52, 7 replies)

Drunken Time travel
I was having a bizzare drunken conversation with my cousin about einsteins theory of relativity, in that as one accelerates, ones perception of time is altered to the effect that the faster one moves, the slower time is, relevent to the moving object. We decided to prove this by tying a clock to a piece of string, and swinging it round fast enough to cause a delay compared to another clock. Fortunately we didn't break anything, and managed to prove the theory, as the clock was cleary behind the control one.

Took us half an hour to find the battery again

(true story!)
(Virulent, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 18:42, 7 replies)