Singularly failing to anticipate my wife's mood swings
Despite ten years of marriage and a few sporadic years before that. I never see them coming. I never understand why it's all my fault. And I still don't want to hit her back when she slaps me across the face because (a) it would be wrong and (b) that would only be valid if I understood what caused it. And I don't. If only it wasn't for the kids and this crippling mortgage....... And I own a Rover that's worth about 48p.
( Pfffwwttt... I told you so., Sat 25 Jun 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Clits pt 2...
Emily Bruce-Dickinson et al - the intended irony of using "the parrot's beak" (as opposed to the correct "budgies tongue") as a malapropismic reference obviously missed it's mark.

Either that or my wife has grown a cock...

edit: Twas a cock after all, but never mind. It's still nicer than OddballWildTing's.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 13:11, Reply)

I am an expert in fixing fuckups. Other people's fuckups. Bastards.
I take the end product of a development process which involves over 2000 system and component engineers, multiplexed data interfaces using 5 differnt communication protocols, up to 22 subsystem electronic control modules, calibration and configuration systems run by a mainframe supercomputer, and a manufacturing process honed over 50 years of experience;- and when (not if) the finished product doesn't work, I take the damn thing apart and put it back together so that it goes properly.

As no-one else has this enviable position, I have somehow become the 'expert'. And it makes me despair sometime to see that the product of engineers with highly qualified educational standards, years worth of experience and many successful projects behind them can still manage to write down '3' when they mean '4' and vice versa. The consequences of which could be dire......
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 25 Jun 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Wanking
I am a blackbelt in wanking.
(Intt, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 12:43, Reply)

All I can think of right now:
Good ways to kill people. For example:
Attach mouth to an extractor fan of the type used above an oven/aga. Turn extractor fan on. Within a second their lungs will be pulled, and they will suffocate to death. Lovely.
Also:
Headphones. I get through about three pairs a year (in-ear headphones are escpecially flimsy) so I know a fair amount about them. For example, the best kind of headphone jack is gold plated, with a Neodymium magnet. Generally speaking the huge hi-fi on-ear headphones have the best sound quality, and have a better range for bass.

No apologies for length etc. cause your mum fucking loved it.
(NPC, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 12:40, Reply)

I am an expert in computational fluid dynamics....
which means very little to most people...especially employers....:-(
( Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 11:40, Reply)

parrot's beak?
surely we mean adzuki bean ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 11:38, Reply)

Computers
According to lots of friends, relatives and old next door neighbours amongst others, I am an expert in anything there is to do with computers. So much so that I am their only source of help whenever anything that could possibly go wrong with any type of compuer does so. Bastards.

Such is the joy of a boring IT job.

Woo - first post
(Lifesize cnut, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 11:36, Reply)

Tony Hawk
I am an expert at all the tony hawks pro skater games, played and completed every game. on every difficulty level. im sure this will save me some day.
(Haggard, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 11:01, Reply)

Distinct expertise
Pumping out portable toilets. Yes, porta-loo's or whatever you lot in the UK call 'em.
I had a job which lasted throughout my college years with an "environmental services" company in Buffalo, NY.

This involved driving around the greater Buffalo area construction sites and connecting a giant hose to various PortoSan's (or PortAsan's since this word can be spelled in both ways), activating the shit pump, bingo! empty tank. Then turn on a chemical spray and blast the interior of the PortoSan to remove harmful bacteria. Finally, open the toilet roll dispenser and install however many rolls are required to top it up. Roll the hoses up, close the PortoSan door (sometimes I would randomly lock one up with a crimp seal for a laugh), remove gloves, jump back in my truck and race off to the next site only to repeat the procedure.

The fun came at the end of the shift when I had to pump out the truck tank into a holding pool (the equivalent of a metropolitan area sewage works settling tank) and flush the tank & lines with acid.

Once in my freshman year I backed onto a site while completely drunk and hit a PortoSan with the truck. It was occupied, and lemme tell you folks, the occupant was simultaneously scared shitless (hahahaha) and wildly angry. Why was I drunk at 8:15 in the morning? OK, lemme ask you this....what other condition should you be in when emptying portable toilets?

Yeah no question about it, this isn't ego speaking, just cold hard shitty reality. I'm an expert of no small note when it comes to Portable Toilets. 4 years of 6 days a week emptying the fuckers. Good money though, it paid my tuition in full *and* left a considerable amount of cash for alcohol and chemicals.
(speedwank, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 10:50, Reply)

I can
tie sophie Ellis-Bextor in a knot with my tongue.
( expf, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 10:04, Reply)

Expertise
I spent 3.5 years getting a PhD in Nuclear Physics....only to spurn this "skill" to get a job in IT. I'm now stuck in a shite job that I can't get out of *bastards*

Gratuitous mention of my website listing others areas in which I am an "expert", ha ha.
(Wrecked Tums, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 9:55, Reply)

Parrot's beak
What is this "Parrot's Beak" of which so many b3tans speak?

Shurely you mean the "Budgie's Tongue"?
(apologies_for_length, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 8:58, Reply)

Lazy
I'm an expert in... nothing. Maybe except for drawing an occasional picture and being lazy on the internet.
(Aquabeast, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 8:46, Reply)

The parrot's beak
emadex, it is very easy to get cunnilingus wrong (horribly, painfully wrong). For instance, you just referred to the clitoris as "the parrot's beak", and I've seen parrots, and I've seen clitori, and I wonder which you know less about, clitori or parrots???

For mine, I am a trained editor, which is admittedly quite a bit like being a trained organ grinder, but I know what the funny little symbols on manuscripts mean.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 8:41, Reply)

I like to believe
that i can read the future.

I have predicted many events in my time.

Ill tell you a little story about a little thing called 9/11.

Sat on the feild outside school some 3 years ago, I was basking in the sun with my three hommies. Looking up at the school across the lake, i commented, 'Wouldnt it be funny if a plan crashed into the school?'

Ten minutes later the twin towers were attacked.

I shit you not.
(KellieFo zomgz11!, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 7:28, Reply)

Clits...
...as far as several b3tans knowing their way around the parrot's beak - it's not exactly large or complicated is it?
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 7:19, Reply)

Oh...
...and snakes. I like snakes and know a bit about them.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 7:14, Reply)

Dull...
Well, I'm good at few things - but I reckon it's a big call to call myself an expert.

Here's my odd list of expert-ish stuff:
*Have a "strong" memory and can readily recall events and really useless facts in great detail. (I'm also easily bored with a short attention span - go figure.)
*I do know an awful lot about burns injuries, marine envenomations and the medico-legal aspects of the Mental Health Act (but not as a patient - yet!) Boring stuff though.
*Umm...quite knowledgable about the history of printing.

Fuck. A bit dull really. But I guess I'm more of a contented all-rounder than a one trick pony.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 7:13, Reply)

i'm an expert at
lying. I wanted to get out of work last night so i come in crying after being on deliveries for a good hour and a half, saying i need to go home. When asked why, i burst into loud sobs and say that my sister has tried killing herself again and that i need to go. No more questions were asked afterwards.

stupid wanker boss.

Also the expert in burping. Not only can i burp on cue at any given time, but i can burp the alphabet, talk in burps, and do the loudest burps anyone has ever heard (i can be heard from a closed coldroom at the back of a shop right outside, even when the shop doors are closed)

also an expert at staying single. No matter how unattractive everyone else is, they ALWAYS get anyone before me... how can this be?? i don't even do my earth shatteringly loud burps in front of people until they know me really well. :(
(brotagaia, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 6:49, Reply)

My expertise is in the study of Tourettes Syndrome
Im fucking brilliant at it wanker,bastard piss off.
(shitstirrer, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 0:34, Reply)

I am good at spooning shit from dead people.
The was my first job after uni.

*fact* I am a qualified shit spooner.
(guinea, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 0:00, Reply)

here's one... kinda/sorta...
Ooh! I once convinced a nutrition expert that eating three pieces of red licorice every day from late teens can reduce the risk of prostate cancer in women by up to 17%... she used that fact in the very next lecture class and turned the most fabulous color of fuschia I've ever seen when she recieved an explanation as to why the students were laughing so hard.

Lesson learned: percentages ending in 7 are always more believeable.
(almightynoitall, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 23:46, Reply)

Not stickin to QOTW
What the Eff is goin on with the new BB house mates. Good fuckin grief. Did they go to the land of numties to pick these lot....
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 23:34, Reply)

Oh dear.
After spending fucking hours in a dark room staring down a microscope counting thousands of bastard sodding fluorescent green blobs, I am apparently now the world's only researcher (and hence expert) into the effect of the gastrointestinal hormone VIP on the integrity of the intestinal epithelial cell tight junctions and the subsequent changes in sodding fluorescent green blob movement.

Talk about a waste of time...

...the really, really tragic thing? I'm going back to do more.
(DuckieMonster, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 23:34, Reply)

I've got your number...
I'm an expert in directory enquiries software and data.

(Well, some of it.)

It means I spend much of my day looking rows of gobbledegook like 56744.54369-45-64#I#3#B#-05#1234-665544# and all I see is blonde, brunette, redhead... and it means I know where you live.
( The Ephialtist, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Let's see...
1. I'm a semi-pro hooker.

2. I stab my closest friends on a regular basis.

3. I once designed a wonderful method of interrogation for prisoners using only a car battery, jumper cables, and a pickle.

4. My drunken ramblings have found their way into literally dozens of thesis papers at the local Uni.

5. and I can bake the world's second greatest rum-custard pies... still awaiting results of my first Guiness based custard, though...



(for those who just need to know more info, 1. I play Rugby here in the US, 2. I Teach fencing, 3. I'm just a sick bastard, there is no excuse. 4. I tend to drink a lot and philosophize at parties, and 5. I was a culinary arts student for three years, respectively)
(almightynoitall, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 23:22, Reply)

One Handed Gaming
I can manipulate both thumbsticks on an Xbox controller onehanded. So I can drink a coke and run my crappy-ass mates over in a warthog at the same time. It's fun.

And folding paper planes. I got one on to the roof of my school library... It's three stories up. And the top one is a big bugger, vaunted modern ceiling.
(The Machinist, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 22:52, Reply)

hmm let me see...
I am a pro at the following pointless events :
* Teaching my cats tricks.
* Lying, not something im proud of but being a touch on the rebel-ish side it does come in handy (I prefer to call them 'Fibbs')
* Using the fact that i am; a)Female and b) Blonde to get my own way (some of the time)
* Getting in after a night out at 9am and working a 6+1/2hr shift at 10am.
* Dancing like a complete mongo whilst drunk and STILL managing to pull- Woo!!

Apologies for length, but none for Girth cos it always hits the spot!
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 22:49, Reply)

expertise.....
....very little.

mostly in the area of art history, bbc mysteries, and arcane firearms legislation.

also make a wicked cheese sandwich.
(clumsyassassin, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 22:43, Reply)