Women
I'm an expert at answering wrongly in the 'You should know why I'm mad at you' test.
(Butthole Surfer : as felt up in Braille Weekly :D, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 1:28, Reply)

Not quite an expert but
I know probably all there is to know about ferrets, although mine is a little bastard that likes to nip my toes, and ..

After spending two years studying under a Professor Kuzio, I now have an intimate grasp of Ukrainian society and politics. This is ultimately useless however as I've never actually been there and it's possible that I may never do so. I received high marks in the classes though so that was nice.


First post yay
(grumperfish, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 0:59, Reply)

I'm an expert in...
1. Worrying
2. Offending other people when I don't mean to and
3. Making a fool of myself.

My life is fun...
(whirleygig, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 23:50, Reply)

I am an expert
Timetabler
(RobNob, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 22:50, Reply)

According to one piece of paper I've got
Windsurfing, which I haven't done in a long while either.
(Guineapiggy Fuzzeh!, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 22:38, Reply)

I'm an expert in...
...problem solving. Well, that's my job anyway. People come to me with problems they can't solve, and i sort them out.
(Chewy , masticating since 1978., Sat 25 Jun 2005, 22:31, Reply)

I'm an expert
in being a fucking billy no-mates. I started gaining the experience when I was about 13 or so, and so far I've had seven years of intensive training in the subject.

O woe. Woe is me. Every day I die a little.
(sporks, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 22:18, Reply)

meteorites
My true friends are rocks from space. I need to get out more.
(entropydave hates unnecessary commas on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 21:58, Reply)

I am becoming an expert in 19th century photographic processes
... Albumen printing specifically (I cannot stand to eat eggs anymore!), but I do other POP techniques as well. Even more useless these days than traditional b&w or c-printing (which I am expert in).

I've spent so much time in darkrooms that I'm paler than the gothiest of goths.

I have also taught myself how to CLA a Rollei shutter. Bonus photo-nerd points to anyone who knows what that means.
( Propaganda Monkey, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 21:31, Reply)

I'm an expert at lurking
16 posts in the best part of four years!
(monkeyporn, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 21:19, Reply)

unblocking
newts from pipes
( Letum Your Ad here £2.40, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 20:29, Reply)

i've got a GCSE in astronomy
*hangs head in shame*
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Sat 25 Jun 2005, 19:58, Reply)

Hmmm
As a student, I'm not an expert at anything academic yet. However, I am studying Physics (watching ice melt), Calculus (which is suprisingly easy), Computer Science (pah, JAVA), Japanese (bukkake ga suki desu ka?), English (which proves that Thomas Hardy is an illiterate prick), Business/Management (where we learn that money motivates people), and Theory of Knowledge (where True Justified Belief is required of everything, including itself).

I am also an expert at turning my (definitely legal) girlfriend on and getting her to pose for (legal) erotic photographs.
(DeletedDeleted, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 19:24, Reply)

Staying just *slightly* less drunk than everyone else
so that I'm the only one who remembers what tits they made of themselves.
Oh, and making Ham Sandwiches
(use hummus, not butter, that's the trick!)
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 19:22, Reply)

b31n l33t n p4wn1n u
n00bz
( Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 19:13, Reply)

Archaeology and the ladies*


*Only one of these is true
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 18:57, Reply)

I can make that Rolf Harris water dripping noise with my mouth
- not much use, but I`m proud of it
( Reckless_Rik, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 18:36, Reply)

Errr
Jack of all, master of none.
(Tronn206, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 18:24, Reply)

Fireworks!
or anything that is exciting and explodes!
Shells, rockets, starmines, ball mills, chemicals etc etc
its all in the name of science i tellsya
( ProfHawking Lalalalala BANG!! Run! dammit, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 18:01, Reply)

Driving like a loony....
...whilst also remaining in control.

I'm a test driver for a premium-brand car manufacturer, and I get paid to drive fast cars all day.

I did the driving on the video here. That's not me in the in-car shots though... I'm nowhere near photogenic enough for the marketing deparment!
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 17:00, Reply)

young lady
i am an expert on humans, now open your mouth and let me see that brain........
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Ima expert at...
...
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 16:16, Reply)

here's how an expert in dictionary world describes this pastime for the singular person
wank
/wangk/ [Columbia University: probably by mutation from Commonwealth slang "wank", to masturbate] Used much as hack is elsewhere, as a noun denoting a clever technique or person or the result of such cleverness. May describe (negatively) the act of hacking for hacking's sake ("Quit wanking, let's go get supper!") or (more positively) a wizard. "wanky" describes something particularly clever (a person, program, or algorithm). Conversations can also get wanky when there are too many wanks involved. This excess wankiness is signalled by an overload of the "wankometer" (compare bogometer). When the wankometer overloads, the conversation's subject must be changed, or all non-wanks will leave. Compare "neep-neeping" (under neep-neep). Usage: US only. In Britain and the Commonwealth this word is *extremely* rude and is best avoided unless one intends to give offense.
(oddiesbeard, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 15:50, Reply)

Jet Engines
Specifically, safety of large turbofan engines, and compliance with JAR-E / FAR 33 / CS-E regulations. Which means I have to deal with Computational Fluid Dynamics drones (Hi Dan). I'll not mention the company, but it does mean that I have a bitchingly prestigous e-mail address.

And the sad thing, is that I actually quite enjoy it.
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 15:49, Reply)

So Many Pointless Areas of Expertise
Philosophy (got a BA degree in it)

Web design (got a certificate in it)

Criminology (getting a Masters in it}

Drinking wine (un-grrr!)

The only one I practice is the latter. I am very good at it.

The rest bore me to tears!
( Strangey is present at, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 15:42, Reply)

discopants...
"Now, there was no need for that..."
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 15:26, Reply)

OddballWildTing
At least they are expert spellers.
Yeah it's just you - now fuck off, try and find something humorous to say and ridicule someone who at least isn't straying totally off topic.
*cough*wanker*cough*
(discopants, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 15:10, Reply)

purile.......
is it just me or is the argument between emadex and his critics intensely remeniscent of a playground full of year 9's?
'i bet you dont know what a clit is...'
'ah yeah mate i do its brilliant!'
'arh i bet you dont, prove it'
'i bet you a tenner my wife will tell you its true...'

Note : I realise that year 9 schoolkids are unlikely to have spouses but other than that, that was pretty convincing, i feel

2nd note - Extracting a statement and replacing it with something does not mean you didnt say it... mentioning no names *cough*emadex*cough*
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 14:43, Reply)

I'm a total expert.
I know the symptoms and stages of sun poisoning, from the stomach ache to the gathering blisters filled with water and pus.

Don't ask me when, where or how I learned this.
And...
* The method of creating a human body through Alchemy through the commonly used method in the series Full Metal Alchemist
* How to drink from the wrong side of the glass
* How to kill people. Violently, quietly or 'accidentally'. I think I may go to work for the Government. ( Killing using methods such as 'When they are working, slip several dissolvable kid's meds in an ice cube tray. Several per mold, as in 4. Put them in a dark-colored drink- Coke, OJ, wine- and they will melt, releasing toxins enough to knock out a cow. While they are down, pen a quick suicide note, shoot them and run. How to shoot is another story.')
* And I occasionally rant and scream at people for misrepresenting Dracula, which I feel I am a small expert on.
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 13:56, Reply)