just a thought
know i shouldn't reply and all, but does that mean that coldplay sound like coldplay because the singer keeps having to spell 'gwyneth paltrow' out on his missus's bean with his tongue, hence bringing on lower jaw tension (see betty boothroyd's love custard, some pages back)?

"look at the staaaaars..." etc
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:18, Reply)

Sleep
On my days off during my exams. I woke up at 5PM to see the school bus i'm usually on drive past, had a shower, ate food, played guitar, went to bed again. Good cycle.

Can't wait to sleep through the summer holidays!
( Vintage The badgers took my sanity... and my TV, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 23:15, Reply)

ok,
Due to a slightly mental chemistry lecturer at college and certain job experience, I can make explosives from certain un-named products you can buy from the garden centre (Not fertillizer, that's SO cliche). And if I wanted to get arrested I could make some HE stuff and flash powders from stuff I could obtain from a chemical whole-saler (and I'm talking proper stuff, not the bull you get in the anarchists cook book and other websites). Compositions, weights, mesh size, mixing and processing, the lot.

No I haven't blown anything up yet and NEVER will, but I did impress my housemates at uni with a home-made firework and a 'fireball' smoke bomb. And I did manufacture what could be the worlds smallest cannon with a 1.5mm calibre. It blasted through a 3mm teflon cup and nearly punctured my parents freezer. Was bloody loud too. May re-create that experiment for a b3ta in the future.

I'm not dangerous, honestly. Mwah ha ha ha ha

I suppose my degree might make me an expert in Biology too if that counts,,
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:42, Reply)

useless knowledge...
when i read that st. john's wood was the only tube station that does not have any of the letters of the word "mackerel" in its name, i knew that i would not ever forget it.

after a year i still don't know my office phone number.

slight disparity methinks.
( bierbelly, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:41, Reply)

I'm an expert at:
- Remembering very very long numbers photographically for long periods of time

- Linux

- Finding out why things don't work

- Dance Dance Revolution

- Bubble Gum
(Das UberWoo, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:36, Reply)

I'm a student
And everyone knows, we're experts in cock all.
(underachiever, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:32, Reply)

Wanker
generally
(SSSSS, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:12, Reply)

im such a fucktard randomer......
family guy (anything about any episode)
spelling (to an annoying degree)
flags (no i dont know why either)
oral sex (nuff said...)
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:07, Reply)

let me see
I have a City and Guilds certificate in Pub and Bar Customer Service and Cellar Management.
I am thereby professionally qualified to get people pissed.

I have a Certificate in Land Registration Law and Practice, and am currently half way through a 2 year Diploma in Land Registration Law and Practice.

In fact I have an exam at 12.30pm tomorrow at Chester College of Law.

It must be teh sleepting teim now...
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:01, Reply)

Horribly,
I have a great memory for all things Buffy and Angel. Plotlines, characters, minor bits of trivia - I'm your man.

I feel so camp at times.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 22:00, Reply)

Unrelated
I am an expert in pregnancy, bizarre (well, they are to me) sexual practices, and giving blowjobs.

And Jane Austen, especially Pride and Prejudice, I could go on Mastermind about Pride and Prejudice.
(Clarabelle is reverting to type on, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 21:49, Reply)

Lots of things...
Early Anglo-Saxon England (I have a shiny degree in that) and early Cambrian arthropod phylogeny, nice things that are of use in everyday life, really. Oh, and Java and C and COBOL and PATRAN and NASTRAN (two really nasty mathematical engineering computer languages)
(poobah, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 21:34, Reply)

Manchester Airport
Yes, I'm a sad aviation-liking-type person. I know far too much about Manchester Airport. Need to get to Terminal 3 (British Airways and Domestic)? Easy...

I know too much about Blackpool too, but then its small.

I need help!
(insert username here, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 21:24, Reply)

As part of my PhD
I did a lot of work on early nineteenth century library lending records and probably know more about reading habits in Bristol during that period than anyone else. And I may well be doing another 3 years work on it, which will definitely make me the leading expert on people borrowing books from a library 200 years ago.

I'm also remarkably good at tripping over uneven bits of pavement and then pretending that I intended to jog for a brief second. To the point of expertise, I would say
(pizzadeliveryninja, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 21:15, Reply)

Freshwater pufferfish
I keep four different species of them and there's not much I couldn't tell you about their care, habits, habitat, feeding & reproduction.

I'm such a geek.
( NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 21:13, Reply)

I blew well over 3 years
failing to get a PhD in - The use of nanoelectronic devices in single instruction multiple device / multiple instruction multiple device architectures for image processing applications.

It was far, far duller than it sounds.
( Chupacabra owes me ten quid, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:59, Reply)

media wiring....
my dad and my moms dad both have quite a collection of old electronic equipment... i found i way to wire up all their old stuff(switches, amplifiers ect.) with my new stuff(computer, speakers, ect.)... ive got about 5 or 6 thousand dollars in entertainment stuff all wired together in a perfect organized series of switches and cables and most of it is old stuff i didnt have to pay for that works just as well, or better than most new electronic stuff....
(Cyrus, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:57, Reply)

I'm an expert too
in driving, or at least I really really think I am.
I can't stand 98% per cent of all the other road users. Really petty things bother me too. I should be an examiner!

Sorry, not funny in the slightest, but true all the same.

I have a degree in Sports and Exercise Science. Yeah it was pretty interesting but doesn't help in the real world! So I'm an 'expert' in making people run a little longer - woo :|

Edit: Oh yeah. I can't believe I forgot this. I'm the expert at work. Absolutely anything you can't do at work, despite the fact you should know it for your job, come to me.
( dub-girl, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:52, Reply)

i'm an expert at whistling
i can whistle anything, any tune, any jingle, anything.
And it really pisses people off
(Calmallama Is keeping this short and sweet, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:46, Reply)

well im no expert but....
well i like to think im pretty good at making random film quotes and pretty much all types of movie trivia! (thanks IMDB) I wow my friends and collegues with my encyclodic knowledge of films in general. Go me! i also rox0r at the resident evil games, i recently completed resident evil four in 3 hours and 34 minutes!
(Roland_of_gilead, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:37, Reply)

Lowering the tone
Apparently its not appropriate to mention double ended dongs and rubber fists sophisticated function what with being a lady and all.

I've also been told its not nice to tell people I've got to go for a pot noodle and a wank.

Lastly I made up something about my friend wearing his ladylady on his head as a hat, and then went on about her saggy flaps!

I think I've proved my point.
(xlux, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:35, Reply)

I'm an expert at electronics
I mis-spent my youth tinkering with electronic gadgets, got my degree, and then moved to a developing country with no electronics industry. What a waste of expertise. The moral, I am ashamed to admit, is this: you can have an I.Q. of 2 billion and still be a fuckwit.
(Cabwood, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:35, Reply)

Putting broken things back together.
Like reassembling a plug, or glueing broken porcelain.
Everytime something breaks in this house, my mother either gives it to me for glueing, or is stopped by me as she wants to throw it away without me having a go at it.

Lately I've become quite an expert in bike-mending, after my back tyre popped three times in a row and I had to open up the bike's intricate gearing system again and again :(
And using "big" words like intricate.
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:32, Reply)

I am rather good at tetris
Tetris dx on the colour gameboy doesn't go any faster than level 30. As it does a save to the cartridge this meant that games can go on indefinitely.
( Thrill_My_Chinchilla is old and unimproved, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:24, Reply)

No crap, here's a list:
2D Sonic games (the only 8 year old I know who ever got Hyper Sonic on Sonic + Knuckles + Sonic 3- me, and all my own work).
Jumping over high things (140cm is my best ever, and I'm only 185ish cm. And no, this isn't high jumping- I land on my feet).
CSS.
HTML, and implementing CSS into it as much as possible to maintain ease of manipulation.
Tony Hawk's games.
Verbally abusing posh girls for being stuck up and pretentious (my favourite).
Useless facts and historical anecdotes.
Useless facts about popular guns (M16, MP7, GLOCKs, Jackhammer, SPAS 12s and 15s, and so on).
Fixing Windows XP when it decides not to do what it's told (FUCKING OPEN THE FILE YOU CUNTY PROGRAM!).
Using long words and complex sentences when angry.
Applying grabs, holds, and locks that shouldn't be painful, but I make them hurt like Hell (like pinning someone's arms down with one hand and using their own protruding wrist bones to make them scream in pain).
Knowing facts about extreme sportsmen (specialising in the Yasutoko brothers).
Getting out of handing in homework and coursework (GCSE level teachers are idiots).
This game.

And length, obviously.
(youthink, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:23, Reply)

Expertism.
I'm an expert in how railway locomotives work. Steam mainly, but quite a bit on the diesels.

Which means I know where -not- to pour in water and thus have the power to make your trains even later than ever, you silly commutering space-invader scum. Har har.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:20, Reply)

Weather
I got a Ph.D. in Atmospheric Sciences, but soon discovered that no one really cared about heterogeneous nucleation of the ice phase. What everyone wants to know is: is it going to rain tomorrow?

Last summer, a frazzled friend and his mates in Florida needed help deciding whether to flee or stay, with all the hurricanes crashing around. Soon discovered the jobsworth meteorologists in Miami were too frightened of making mistakes to give the most timely information to the public.

So, it was fun giving advance warning to my small audience: Stay! Head south! Watch out! Sort-of like paintball, and easy to do for someone who didn't have an ass to cover.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 20:12, Reply)

Geek/hardnut
Quantum physics,
Kickboxing,
Offending people
(once_upon_a_time, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:57, Reply)

An expert
= an ex-spurt

= a hasbeen drip under pressure

Therefore, I'm an expert! ^^
(Benny A Last Nuclear meltdown:, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 19:43, Reply)