After what can only be described as a "lovely" journey into work this morning (sarcasm implied) I have resolved myself thusly:

Tomorrow, before getting the bus, I will fill a cardboard box full of human faeces. I will also fit a 300w amplifier and speaker to the box, and play nothing but white noise at the loudest volume you can possibly manage. Then I will put the box in the biggest, most unwieldy pram I can find, and make my journey into work at 8:30am.

When people ask me to stop the box from emitting white noise I will, with righteous fury, say things like "Of course it's going to emit white noise at an ear splitting volume. It's a box with a speaker in it playing white noise!!! That's what it does!!!" and I will expect everyone to be fine with that. I will know that I am definitely in the right, because I am the owner of the box.

I will also expect everyone else on the bus to love and adore the box in the same way I do, and I won't possibly consider the idea that a box filled with human faeces emitting white noise at 300db might not necessarily be what most people want to be sat near as they make their way into work first thing in the morning. And God help you if you so much as look at the box with any other than complete adoration in your eyes.

Then later, I will push the unwieldy pram into the smallest shop I can find, and just fuck about for an hour.

Also, I will name the box "Alfie".
( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 14:20, 65 replies)

This
One advantage of the tube
( Cadmus has teh uplikn coeds at, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 14:49, closed)

that's a terrible name for a box

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 15:11, closed)

You could name it after this person...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rx_SIFiyxGQ&feature=related
(The Luggage is haunted..., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 15:24, closed)

She should drink less coke.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 16:19, closed)

I once worked with a bloke who found her attractive.
I still quite don't know what to say to that, two years later.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 18:23, closed)

She looks attractive enough to me.
Feed her some flunitrazepam and I would.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 18:49, closed)

only losers get the bus to work

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 15:28, closed)

I'd love to be able to counter this with an argument.

( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 16:20, closed)

Some of us
Have to drive the bus that is taking you to work :(

And put up with the screaming child/box of noise and shite without the benefit of headphones or other distractions
(insert username here, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:13, closed)

I've never met a happy bus driver

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 21:37, closed)

Can't really blame them though...
Especially if they take the bus to work.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 0:06, closed)

"bus wanker"
Is the correct term, I believe.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 8:30, closed)

300db?
That's pretty loud, that is.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 19:55, closed)

Not so much loud as downright terrifying.
At 10¹⁸ watts per square metre, a directed beam of sound that loud could probably qualify as a weapon of mass destruction.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:26, closed)

Indeed.
I could imagine that causing flesh to liquify.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:47, closed)

Sod flesh, I reckon it could put a serious dent in a skyscraper.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:49, closed)

Or probably something more geological.
Like an alp.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 21:40, closed)

Welcome to my world
Try being woken up every hour on the hour by a white noise producing shit machine for an entire year of your life and then try functioning like a normal human being the rest of the time. Perhaps the title of this thread should be "people who moan about babies crying."

You see the thing about babies is, they can't speak. So it's not like you can say to them "darling would you mind shutting the fuck up for a couple hours so mummy and daddy can get some sleep." The other thing about babies is that sadly you can't leave them unsupervised for hours on end, whilst you do other things. Where you go, baby has to come too. and people with babies have to do all the normal stuff like going to the shops, traveling on public transport etc

Yes I remember my child free days, sneering down my nose at the couple who made the mistake of trying to have a relaxing meal in a restaurant whilst their toddler has a screaming fit and decides to kick merry hell out of his dad. Why can't these people keep their offspring under control I would wonder, I blame the parents etc etc
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:16, closed)

I agreed with you up until you mentioned restaurant. I find loud babies annoying, yes. But, i realise the point you make, a baby is not like a dog that you can leave alone for a few hours. You need to take it with you when you go. That said, a restaurant (a real restaurant, not mcdonalds) is not somewhere you need to go. I can accept public transport, tesco etc are places people need to take their infants. But not a nice expensive restaurant when im trying to enjoy my anniversary with the mrs. You can get a babysitter for the one day in the month (or year, for me) you go out to eat. The kid is too young? Well you have to wait then. We all wait for things. Dont stop having kids, enjoy your family, but take consideration for others also.
(tyrellsOwl, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:59, closed)

I agree with this and I am a parent.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 21:17, closed)

Implausabilitylols ;)
Seriously.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Mar 2012, 21:41, closed)

Someone got close enough?
Srsly?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 0:37, closed)

you have a vagina?

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:30, closed)

Most restaurants
don't allow people to take their cats in anyway, regardless of how old they are.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:37, closed)

No.
Obviously if we were planning a romantic night out for two we would make other arrangements. The kids are in bed by seven anyway. I was more referring to being out and about on a Sunday afternoon and going to Pizza Express or something, and we do have consideration for others - if one of the little ones kicks of it's no fun for us either and it just becomes pointless.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 22:18, closed)

Thats all well and good,
but plenty of people don't. I've had many a romantic meal with my girlfriend spoiled because of kids in the restaurant, and these were nice restaurants too.

What annoys me is the complete lack of consideration for other people that some parents display. If you can't find a babysitter, you don't go out. I went to a restaurant in Lancaster called Simply French once. It's a posh restaurant that caters almost exclusively to couples (the majority of tables in there are for two people only. You had to inform them in advance if you had a larger party coming so they could accommodate it). We went to celebrate our one year anniversary there, and there was a couple with a kid in a pram, that would not fucking shut up. I'm sorry, but that is just inconsiderate.

Our table was booked for 9:00. That kid should have been in bed by then. It seemed obvious to me that they had a meal booked, couldn't do anything with the kid, and so brought it along. If your night is so important to you that you'd want to get a babysitter, it's a fair assumption that other peoples nights are also important enough to them that they too don't want to be disturbed by a fucking screaming kid. That's what I resent more than anything about it, the idea that "we have to put up with it, so everyone else can put up with it too".

That was the point in the original post. I don't have to put up with it actually. I don't give a fuck about your kids. It's your fault you had them, so you deal with it. Just like if I carried around a cardboard box filled with shit and blaring white noise, I wouldn't expect anyone else to put up with it.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 0:18, closed)

You should post paragraph 2 as an answer.
You might win QOTW.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 4:32, closed)

I deal with it every fucking day mate. And my point is that
It's not always that easy. You'll have kids one day then you won't be so smug.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 8:04, closed)

Why is it that every parent
Labels those without children as "child"?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 9:39, closed)

Not going to happen.
I hate kids. As does my girlfriend. I'm making it my duty not to reproduce. I would not be a good parent.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:13, closed)

Oh fuck off
Have you ever been to a child friendly restaurant? They are unremittingly shit (plus they are full of other kids, who aren't as well behaved as your own.)
Much better to go to a nice restaurant and put up with the sneers and passive aggressive complaints of the other diners.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:02, closed)

yeah, they are shit because they have children in them...

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:13, closed)

Partly, yes.
But there seems to be an assumption that people with kids want to eat shit food too.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:41, closed)

That's not an assumption, it's a punishment.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:53, closed)

Are we not punished enough?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 11:02, closed)

No.
Because I don't like children. Why would I got to a child friendly restaurant?

If we go away on holiday, I make a point of booking at adult only hotels. Unfortunately there aren't many adult only restaurants. I don't like children in the same way that some people don't like cats. I don't see why that is so hard to grasp. Children ruin everything. Even parents constantly fucking complain about the fact that their kids wake them up at all hours of the night, and that they take a lot of looking after, and it's hard work, and we want to go for nice food too, blah blah blah... I don't care. If life is so fucking hard for you, then you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. I don't want kids for the reasons described above, therefore I'm not going to have any. I think it's a fairly straightforward idea. Just like, "I don't want to set myself on fire, so I won't".
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:18, closed)

Just because I have children why should I have to eat somewhere shit?
You not liking children isn't good enough reason, I'm afraid.
You can't ask restaurants to keep out types you don't like.
Personally I don't like to see happy couples eating out in restaurants, celebrating their anniversaries, rubbing my nose in it that they still love each other and haven't ruined their lives by having children.

I'm unclear as to whether your problem in restaurants is with babies or older children. With older children I agree with you - they should be brought up to behave properly in public (and at home). But babies will cry occasionally and it can be mildy irritating for some people. They usually get over it though.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:00, closed)

Older children.
Babies are just a meaty blob of nerve endings and instinct. I totally accept that they will cry for no reason at any given time. That is no-one's fault.

And my problem isn't really with the kids either. It's with the parents who don't fucking do anything to rectify the matter.

Also - since when can you not keep out "types you don't like"? I've been to adult only restaurants, pubs, hotels... It's not against the law to want a certain type of clientele.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:47, closed)

I reckon
and I stand to be corrected, that it's probably quite unusual to turn up at a posh restaurant at 9pm and find people there with a screaming baby.

I quite agree that it's a stupid thing to do, and you are very much entitled to complain that it happened.

But to say that's what all parents do . . . no, it's not.

Either they're complete idiots - possible, or they had booked themselves for a night out and the babysitter didn't turn up. 9/10 couples would cancel. You were unlucky and got the one that didn't.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:33, closed)

I agree
And I also concede that you only ever notice the kids that are badly behaved. There are plenty of people out there who go to restaurants with kids who are immaculately behaved. I have no problem with that at all. I just think it's really rude to sit there when your kid is screaming and being a little shit and not do anything about it. Which happens fucking PLENTY.

I remember as a child, if I ever started acting up, my mum would take me outside until I calmed down. Which I eventually did because I came to realise that being outside wasn't as nice as being inside. So eventually I would behave myself. And then we would go back in.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:20, closed)

'whilst their toddler has a screaming fit and decides to kick merry hell out of his dad'
This is why 'smacking' was invented. Kid acting like a brat and hitting his folks? Smack it on the arse. An eye for an eye. He/she'll soon learn that hitting people is bad, results in pain which hurts, and that his/her folks can hit a lot harder.

Happened to me and my brother. We both tested the boundaries and got swiftly put in our place, and rightly so. I hate that people don't discipline their kids. It's the reason that all manners have gone walkabout from our fair isle, and the reason behind the rise of yob culture.

To summarise: Parents! Batter your children for the good of the Nation!
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:14, closed)

Smacking doesn't work for really young children
The child has to understand that their actions have consequences. So it's probably pointless until the age of 4 and above.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:45, closed)

Sounds like you have tried it.
You have my respect, yet you disgust me child-beater.
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 15:42, closed)

Post- faecal depression
kicking in, then?
(The Jannie, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 20:41, closed)

count yourself lucky
you only have to listen to your screaming box of shit for a few minutes on the bus
you don't have to live with the fucker for 20 years
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 4 Mar 2012, 21:33, closed)

and I can kick it hard as I like
and no-one will phone the police.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 0:08, closed)

I wonder if those new guns that silence crowds
will work on babies.
Will reflecting their own crying back at them 0.2s after they emit it cause the same kind of dissonance that it does with normal speech?
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 0:25, closed)

I don't know
but I reckon a hammer would do the trick just as well.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 0:51, closed)

Take that hammer ...
to your own bollocks.

For the good of humanity and the health of the gene pool, or else you will one day find yourself in jail having shaken your most recent defacto's crotch fruit to death, or eternal gimphood.
(Que?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 4:09, closed)

Hi welcome to B3ta.
Whilst you may have not noticed yet, this is a place where people occasionally make jokes. Some of them deemed "sick" or "offensive". There was a book about it a few years ago, you can probably find it on Amazon.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:22, closed)

Erm, Hi
But can I ask that you take the hammer to your own bollocks anyway ?

Not out of some intent to make a point, just because it it would make me laugh...

Thank you.

Or possibly "Cheers".
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:25, closed)

Ok,
but just for you.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:48, closed)

No.
Discovered that when baby monitor parent bit was too close to the base station. The baby just seems to take the feedback as encouragment.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 4:33, closed)

If I found you on the bus kicking a box of shit, I might actually call the police.
Or at very least, a mental health professional.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:11, closed)

Well, if someone got
on the bus carrying a box of shit with them, I might well think the authorities should get involved.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:35, closed)

Fuck me, either you have finally put me on ignore so you didn't realise
or we actually agree on something. Will wonders never cease.

mind you, the only thing we agree on is what we would hypothetically do if someone hypothetically carried a hypothetical box of hypothetica shit onto a bus...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 13:22, closed)

You two should just fuck and get it over with.

( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:36, closed)

Sorry, I have given myself to Monster Munch.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 15:10, closed)

What shit all about, Alfie?

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 9:35, closed)

Ha.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 10:10, closed)

PMGT
is a virgin.
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:10, closed)

The joke is
that us parents learn how to filter the noise out...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:14, closed)

If you're so keen to go extinct,
feel free to do the right thing, by topping yourself.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 5 Mar 2012, 12:57, closed)

I'm not in favour of extinction.
Just in favour of people teaching their children how to behave in public. Quite different.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:26, closed)

Actually, no,
I am in favour of extinction, fuck it. I hate you all anyway.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 5 Mar 2012, 14:37, closed)