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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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Blasphemy delights me …
The greatest threat to world peace today is Islamic Extremism. We are fairly helpless in the face of mad arse fuckers willing to strap bombs to their persons and hurl themselves into our midst. We just resolve to keep on as we are and refrain from a backlash against the largely innocent local minority from whence they spring. The heat and anger of the current jihad will hopefully soon exhaust itself on the Rock of British Resilience.

It’s pretty obvious to me that Religion itself is the problem. I consider all monotheistic Religion to be a brain plague. Islam is merely the most virulent.

All three streams of monotheistic religion are pretty similar if you look at the basics.

Judaism - there is one true god and Abraham is his prophet. Here is the Book, it contains everything you need to know. Oh, and if your mother is a Jew, you are a Jew, live with it, don’t argue, it’s as permanent and undeniable as your skin colour.

Christianity - there is one true god and Jesus is his prophet. Here is the Book [Torah +], it contains everything you need to know. No one is born a Christian. We have this nice little rite of baptism to turn you into one. This rite is open to anyone. If you renounce your religion, they are a bit sad and hope you get better.

Islam – there is one true god and Mohammed is his prophet. Here is the Book [Torah ++], it contains everything you need to know.

However, Islam tightens the noose by combining the two concepts of inherited and acquired religion. If your mother OR father is a Muslim, then you are a Muslim. Don’t argue with it, your religion is as permanent and undeniable as your skin colour. Converts are welcomed with open arms, BUT if you renounce your religion, you are an apostate and must die.

How’s that for an iron clad mental prison?

So back to the problem at hand; Islamic extremism. Feeble minded males, unable to find a missus because the big fat guys in bathrobes have four each, clinging to a flimsy lie that on the other side of that dismembering explosion is as much pussy as they can handle, strapping bombs to themselves and getting on the Tube.

It’s simple really. We just need to categorically prove to the entire Islamic world that god doesn’t exist.

How? I hear you wonder. We invade Saudi Arabia. But Britain is thinly spread at the moment, so I suggest we get China to do it. Shouldn’t be difficult, just a few words in the right ears over a nice dinner of Peking duck with plum sauce. Just point out the vast oil reserves and refinery capacity to directly supply their ever raving populace’s energy requirement with the understanding that the Western world will look the other way, put their fingers in their ears and whistle loudly for about two weeks.

But mere invasion of their holy land isn’t quite enough. I would point out to Hu Jin Tao that the rock in a box is an income producing asset. Every muslim must visit it at least once during their lifetime. So they can carry it off back to China and charge an entrance fee as high as they like to schmucks who can’t argue. It’d look great if they put it in the Water Cube.

Oh how my mind’s eye delights in the sight of the rock in the box guarded by smiling, heavily armed PRC soldiers with a straggle of sulking sand monkeys handing over their hard earned.

- One trip round, 40 yuan!
- Three trips for 100!
- Sir, your time’s up, this way to the gift shop! Please come again.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 2:25, 19 replies)
Reading that was a cracking way to start the day!
Thank you.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 7:56, closed)
I think you're kind of misrepresenting it.
If you renounce your Christian faith, you are apostate and must must die, too.

The Christian fundamentalists are every bit as scary as the Muslim fundamentalists. There's no real difference between them.

I've had more problems with being blown up by Christian terrorists than Muslim ones.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:07, closed)
How many times have you been blown up by either?
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:14, closed)
Wow, Just, really, wow.
what is it with this place and fuckheaded bigots this week?
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:42, closed)
"sand monkeys"

Going by that logic, car drivers are the biggest threat to Britain today, as they kill far more people every year than Islamic extremists ever have done.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 8:57, closed)
Car drivers?
I thought it was cyclists?
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:28, closed)
They're not deadly, they're just annoying bastards.
You've got a cobra/wasp confusion going on.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:40, closed)
It's the fundamentalist motorists you've gotta watch out for.
The fundamotorists, if you will.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:39, closed)
It's the Hondamentalists that are the dangerous ones, particularly the ones driving Accords.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:19, closed)

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:33, closed)
Simply for the fact it has pissed off the politically correct robots :)
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:31, closed)
Hahaha you are John Gaunt AICMFP.

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:44, closed)
This week has been a mix of high class trolling, and serious fuckwittery, but this wins all.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:33, closed)
What utter fucking
self absorbed racist drivel you spout.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 9:44, closed)
I hasten to add
The 'sand monkey' comment was below par, but otherwise the post about religion was spot on.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:23, closed)
52 minutes
counts as 'hastening'...?
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 17:06, closed)
Don't panic people, in two year's time it'll claim it was trolling.

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:29, closed)
The old Legless "got you there ho ho" routine.
(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:49, closed)
Sig says it all.

(, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 14:17, closed)

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