Foreign Fun
Mrs teddybear is Estonian. The only phrase I managed to learn in her language to impress her was:

Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis
(My hovercraft is full of eels).

When I said it she creased up laughing (hopefully at the line, not the way I said it).

Worked though. We are expecting a baby in May! =D
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 10:27, 11 replies)

A small update.....
For those of you who read my earlier post

jelly.b3ta.com/questions/flirting/post641758

thanks for all your help and advice.

So I had my big date on Friday. It went really well. She's single, no kids, very attractive, intelligent and funny! We got on like a house on fire from the first minute. We had a lot in common - music, views, etc. I took the best advice offered from you all - I dressed up smart, asked loads of questions, and listened to her answers. I was slightly flirtacious, humourous and basically didn't act like an enormous slobbering dick.

We exchanged an enormous snog before I put her in her taxi home, and I'm seeing her again next week. You beauty!

Thanks again everyone!

RF.

P.S. I managed to avoid the subject of fisting - I know some of you were slightly worried about that. ;-)
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 10:08, 10 replies)

Bollywood here I cum!
I went out for the evening to a Bollywood night at my local Indian with some friends, one of whom brought a lovely incredibly beautiful, funny, witty, smart Indian girl called Lena.

We got on like a house on fire as I regaled her with my love of all the things she liked...it's key to listen long enough to compile a mental list and regurgitate at will, in a suitably distant timeframe that you don't sound like a parrot on speed.

She twiddled her hair, brushed my arm, adjusted her top to show more of her magnificent cleavage. At the end of the night she told me she had a wonderful time and kissed me on the cheek. We'll have to keep in touch she said.

My reply "yeah".

GET A PHONE NUMBER CUNTWHISTLE!

Thing is, you can flirt like a pro, but if you don't 'close' it's all just fool's play.

*SIGH*
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 10:02, 2 replies)

FLIRTATIOUS FOODSTUFFS
A girl who used to do my sales support would get a present from me every morning.

I’d bring her in a Cadburys Cream Egg and sit and watch as she seductively peeled back the foil wrapper as if it was a metal foreskin and bury her plump, gorgeous lip glossed mouth over the chocolate ‘cock head’. Then, with my heart racing ever-so-slightly, she’d expertly pull back the remaining wrapper with her long, strong fingers and proceed to feed the remaining bit of Cream Egg into the back of her mouth with a slow, low sucking motion.

Used to make my morning.

Then one day she realised what I was up to and stopped accepting my chocolaty gifts. Fair plays, I’d been rumbled. Bit looking on the bright side she had put on a few pounds by this stage and wasn’t really looking that hot anymore...

This encounter with my Cream Egg eating sales support got me thinking about the fine practiced skill some ladies are blessed with: Namely flirtatiousness through the medium of eating stuff. The Cadburys Caramel advert? Who wouldn’t bone that bunny after she’s expertly chowed down on that stick of gooey caramel filled goodness? Especially considering you know she likes a portion of stuff in her gob with the sticky consistency of lumpy tadpole broth? And you ever seen a girl* eating a banana without giving you a full-on spunk-seeping stiffy? It’s physically im-bloody-possible.

At round this time I was trying my luck with a mate of a mate, a girl who was witty, intelligent, thoughtful, and completely out of my fucking league.

It must’ve been the fourth or fifth date. I was down several hundred quid and hadn’t even received a handjob in return. Things were getting desperate. We were sat in this swanky restaurant in Camden chit-chatting about politics or fuck knows what, when it suddenly occurred to me:

Maybe the playing with food thing works the other way round too and its not just a woman being sexy to a man thing! So, when our first course finally turned up I very slowly – and very tentatively – still chatting away about the weather, holidays, and other such idle bollocks...

... reached out with my hand and...

My date stopped talking and stared me directly in the eye.

“Why are you fingering your prawn cocktail?” she asked. “That’s just weird. Stoppit! People might see!”

Didn’t see her much after that date. And when I did she tended to point me out to her friends who’d look over, giggle, and fuck off as quickly as humanly fucking possible.


*Any girl over the legal age of consent, of course. Not unless they’re one of those incredibly fit private school Lolita types with the knee-high socks and training bra ensemble, absolutely gagging for it, and there’s absolutely no chance in the world whatsoever you could get caught and find yourself banged up in Wormwood Scrums where a fella named Derek who’s in for armed robbery takes a liking to your sweet virgin posterior and decides to use you as one of his ‘prison wives’.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 9:37, 9 replies)

Gah
I was crazy about a girl I went to college with. I had asked her out so she knew I liked her, but wasn't interested. After college she moved to Canada and I stayed around Ireland

One day on Facebook I noticed on one of those Friend Q&A things that someone had answered a question saying I was cute. I checked who answered it and it was her! So I sent her a message as a joke saying "Oh, you wait till you're all the way over in Canada to change your mind about me?"

Her response? "Puppys are cute. That doesn't mean I'm ever going to fuck one."
:(
(cH3$h7846J#7, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 9:16, 5 replies)

Ben HaHaHa
Yesterday, I was in my local Homebase, buying some very "rock and roll" 10mm nylon plugs to fix my garden gate (no... none of these are euphanisms - I needed to fix my gate). As usuall, I went for the checkout with the cutest totty on (the choice was limited to the sunday working student type or the aging asian lady). The asian lady had no custom, and the student only had one, so I went and got in line.

Infront of me was a young couple buying a broom handle and an ironing borad. As he paid and picked up his goods, he remarked to his partner that "I bet I look like a Gladiator".

Me and the checkout girl, looked at each other and laughed.. quite heartily... a little too heartily... she revealed a gob full of denistry girders that wouldn't have looked out of place in a Bond film.

I had one last glance at her tits, and wished her good day.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 7:49, 2 replies)

Barman

I was in my local when a beautiful blond girl came up to the bar and called Stan, the barman, over.

Now Stan has a massive ZZ Top beard that he's inordinately proud of.

The blonde girl leaned over the bar and ran her fingers through Stan's luxurious beard.

"Are you the manager?" she purred, continuing to run her fingers through his beard.

Stan flushed bright red.

"Well, I'm not the manager but I am in charge tonight" boasted Stan thinking he'd pulled. "What can I do for you"

"Could you put some new loo-roll in the girls toilets - you've run out" whispered the blonde....

Cheers

Thenk you very much. I'll be under the pier all week
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 4:39, 3 replies)

the sheer lunacy
the one move that is bound to backfire is trying it on with one girl, FAILING ... then moving onto her friend. being the 2nd most attractive girl in the group of people that i go out with (there are only two girls) i have often fallen victim to these kinds of people. even if you did find that person attractive when they hit on your friend, they'd better have an excellent reason for choosing her over you. (except the actual reason which is that she is more attractive.)

however, my friend has a unique (some might use the word 'slutty') approach to this problem. she will wait until someone is hassling our tall, leggy, blonde friend, check if she is actually interested then wait until he has been turned down and pounce. it has had a high success rate...
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 2:53, 3 replies)

one guy i know emailed ten girls asking them out
(including me - should I be flattered?)

but one of them said yes and they're about to move in together. not 100% that she knows he emailed 9 other girls though.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 2:44, 4 replies)

two house mates spent an irritating fortnight doing nothing but flirting
... and not doing anything about it.

i should mention that i was pretty new to the north then (or the rest of the world, as i come from east anglia) so i was not used to northern slang

so when my other housemate came dashing in to the kitchen one morning, flapping her arms about and hissed in my ear 'jenny and sam PULLED last night' ... i was confused and underwhelmed.

'pulled WHAT?'
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 2:43, 1 reply)

I can't tell if I was being flirted with or insulted here.
This is from when I used to keep a blog, and is from November 2005:

I just came back from the mall.

I was going to see a movie, but the incredibly long line for Harry Potter deterred me.

It should have come as no surprise as the mall was packed, presumably for those who think Christmas shopping is something you do ahead of time.

I did, however, manage to buy a book: HOW TO SURVIVE A ROBOT UPRISING - Tips On Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion.

When I went up to the cash desk to pay for it, I said "It's always good to be prepared."

The woman smiled in the vague "I'm responding, but not paying attention" form that's so popular amongst store clerks, and then read the title on the book. She cracked up and thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen, so she said.

As she was ringing it up, she said "So when the revolution comes, you may be the only one of us who survives. But you should really teach your skills to one woman."

"If that's an invitation, write your number on the receipt." I replied.

"No... no," she laughed, "that's okay." I shrugged.

Then as I was going, she said "Mind you, if you're going to die otherwise, why not put out?"

I love people who talk like that. Even though she didn't give me her number and thus would rather die by robot oppression than jump on 'lil bouncy. :(
(Ejaculantern was caught desecrating pumpkins on, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 2:11, 1 reply)

once upon a time, aged nearly sixteen
i had drank too much and was lying with some other people on my friend's living room floor. two people were being sick outside. everyone else had abdicated responsibility after we'd offered one of them bread... and he'd chucked it into the neighbour's garden.

one of the loons from my high school (invited through a friend) had turned up and not drank anything but was also lying with us on the floor.

he moved closer. i noticed and lazily moved away.

he moved closer still. i made a very obvious and deliberate movement back.

he moved EVEN closer. i rolled completely away.

he made a sudden dash forward. alarmed, i scrambled backwards and ended up smacking my head on the coffee table's leg, screaming and running into the bathroom to be sick.

not sure that was his plan.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 1:47, Reply)

I miss the signs...
And when I do see the signs, I don't know how to respond...

What is the correct way to respond when discussing a threesome with a lady, when she says "I certainly join you with her"...

Err...
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Sun 21 Feb 2010, 22:20, 1 reply)

I have this friend
(and it really is my friend, not me)

who is in her early 20s and never had a boyfriend. She's incredibly pretty, smart, classy and all the rest. No one can quite understand it and assume that she's stuck up or something (she's not, but she is shy). I think I get it now though.

A few weeks ago she tells me that she was at the gym and this guy on the bike in front of her kept turning all the way around (not just a quick glance) to look at her while she was on the treadmill. There is nothing but windows that look out on to a brick wall behind where she was, so he was definitely looking at her. He does this several times and smiles at her. She's telling me this story like it was freaking her out and she was annoyed and a little worried by it.

So I ask the first obvious question: was he cute? She says yes he was, so on to the next obvious question: did you smile back? She says no. wtf? Why not?! "Why would I? I don't know him."

And this, my friends, is why she's single and probably always will be.

(well, combined with her desperate avoidance of anyone even close to the friend zone)
(xanthine, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 22:05, 2 replies)

"Hi... Do You Wanna See A Video of A Cat Playing A Piano?"
and we've been together for a year now.
conventional chat up lines eh? who needs them

.
(chibs, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 20:57, 2 replies)

Mixed!
Sometimes I am very good at flirting (currently going well with a certain fella who I have yet to meet ;).....) but other times it can go disastrously.

The prime example being chatting to a cute I.T guy when I actually said "how's things up your end?". UP YOUR END?????????? Quite what the fuck I was thinking when that one just came out, I do not know. I was too embarrassed to even make a joke out it.

*Mortified*
(Pumba Look for the red flashing light again... no!!!!!, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 20:21, 3 replies)

anonymous, solo flirting a.k.a. a perfectly healthy bit of a stalk
I'm often called a woman of few words. If I have something to say, I'll say it. If not, silence doesn't bother me, I enjoy it. A comfortable silence between two people is a beautiful thing.
This means I am terrible at the kind of hair flicking, girly flirting my lovely friends are all excellent at. I am really good at the weird, stalky, silent kind of flirting though. Like when I borrowed my GORGEOUS SMELLS LIKE SEX ex coworker's shirt from his locker*, had a ladywank in it at home and then returned it safely next morning.
I'm not ashamed**!

*broken, with no lock
**lies
(reducedfatLOLcat, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 19:40, 11 replies)

I learnt it all from Dad..
My dear old dad has always thought of himself as a bit of a cheeky rascal when it comes to the laydeez and to be fair to him he has always been a quality charmer, much to mum's chagrin.
However he nearly came seriously unstuck, when with me and older brother (7) in tow.
We were in a shop, dad at the till paying for the goods doing some heavy duty flirting in his Sean Connery accent with a buxom shop girl, her giggling at his charming compliments, my brother piped up 'Dad, why do you always lower your voice when you are talking to ladies?'
What could have been a grim embarrasment turned as quick as a flash he said 'only the good looking ones son' and winked at the gushing girly. Nice one Pops, best dad ever.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Sun 21 Feb 2010, 18:25, 1 reply)

As I was born and raised in Barnsley,
my idea of flirting is a brisk nod, perhaps adding "ayup" if I'm feeling very friendly. Going beyond that is a dead-cert way to get on the sex offenders' register.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 18:12, Reply)

On Friday night
I went for a drink with my big sis and her best mate. By the time we'd got to the second pub I'd swallowed enough gin to ruin a whole council estate of mothers. So I have no recollection of how I flirted with said best friend (very pretty lady). Anyhoo, we spent a good few hours playing tonsil hockey and rummaging in each others trousers. Shame I'm such a mumbling tard when I'm sober. Meh
(danceswithferrets is leaking sanity, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 16:49, 1 reply)

freaked out
i saw the QOTW and thought "nah, none of my experiences of flirting are anything memorable, I'll just read other people's stories and wait until something more appropriate came up".

unfortunately i had the misfortune of getting a taxi driver this weekend who decided i was gorgeous and would continue to freak me out by making what i'm sure he thought were flirty commentsfor the entire drive. being on the way home from a beer festival on my own (after my friends decided to hit a shitty local nightspot), i was looking forward to a cuppa, a cuddle from my dog and some random late night tv. the driver however, was sure he was going to make it into my house and into my bed. Don't get me wrong, if some fella comes up and starts talking to you like a normal human being, i can possibly see it going somewhere, but if you're confined to a small metal box with someone at least 10yrs older making hideously obscene comments to you, it doesn't really do it for me.

*shudder* needless to say i made him drop me off on the main road near my house. i was NOT having him know where i live.

last night, i decided to order a chinese takeaway and again, the delivery guy, this time, about 60yrs old, starts cracking onto me. ok so i don't have a local accent but i have lived here all my life and don't need some fat old guy telling me "you've not been here long have you love?" then complimenting me on my dog (rather weird) then my age then my choice in food order! if i wasn't so hungry at the time,i would've donated the food to the dog then ordered from somewhere i felt there might not be semen lovingly added to my crispy duck...

take it from me gentlemen, if you're either a taxi or delivery driver, just don't.
(PrincessTinkle is charlie brooker's secret wife, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 16:42, 2 replies)

My internet connection was down
so I went into a home for people with Attention Deficit Disorder and Downs Syndrome and yelled "hey BABES any BI CHICKS want to have A THREESOME?" Two girls did, but they both turned out to be men.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 15:50, Reply)

Also,
I asked one of my best mate's girlfriends to marry me last night. Apparently, she thinks it's a good idea for him to stay at home as a house husband while she earns all the money, as she loves her job.

Don't get many of them to the pound.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 15:30, 1 reply)

I've got better these days.
I had a good weekend this weekend. Full of flirting and innuendo (in YOUR end, oh!) I currently have a lady of the married variety who I have trouble keeping off me at the best of times, so after a few shandies it becomes nigh on impossible.

Being one of the last bastions of morality in the world, the married thing means I have to keep a distance, but this only makes the flirting reach outrageous levels. I had forgotten how sneaky women, real human women and not the track suited "geez a shag" set can be.

Last night, I got hit with a curve ball I've never encountered before. "Stop looking at my boobs!". I wasn't. I definitely wasn't, because I was mid-gulp into a pint of lager. "I bloody wasn't!" I slurred, and then realised that the first thing I did after saying this was stare straight at them. I looked up and saw her with a massive grin on her face. Realising I'd been outsmarted, I spent the rest of the evening in a game of verbal tennis with the aforementioned boobs as the subject. "Put your tits away I can't find my pint" was a good one. "Do you want your eyes back i found them in my cleavage" was better.

I imagine a good kicking is probably heading my way soon.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Not a natural flirter
I have always been one of those 'one of the lads' kind of girls. No idea how to flutter eyelashes or pout provocatively. When I like someone I tend to just suggest they should ask me out as the odds of a positive response are good.

Once at a weekend event for Uni I happened to meet someone rather lovely looking but had no intention of pursuing. We got along well and spent the whole day talking some top quality toot. I figured I'd made a great friend. On the second day of the event he shows up dressed nicely with his hair done.

Train of thought goes thus -

He looks nice
I should tell him this
Don't want to sound like I'm coming on to him
What is a good compromise?

I decide, in my infinite wisdom (in front of friends) to say;

"You're looking very sharp today."

You're looking sharp? I felt like following it up with "Hey lets find some sexy dames and hit a gin bar"

We'll be celebrating our one year anniversary soon.
(Gherkinlasagna is probably doing something stupid on, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 14:58, 2 replies)

Shop-girl! Sexy! Death! Resolve!
There's a girl called Carly working in my local corner shop. She's 19, short, slim, with a front and rear view that makes me smile. She's pretty too, pleasant and all-round cute. I've been speaking to her for ages, and now we exchange little gifts (sweets, mainly) and a lot of chat. I know she has a boyfriend who thinks he's a badman, but I don't care about that. She and I have been getting friendly and I thought it was just a nice little bit of fun but I'm now picking up clear signals she likes me too. I'm finding myself tongue-tied, although when her colleague said I'd been looking for her all night, I corrected her and told her I'd been looking for her all my life. She smiled and stroked her hair. I've been trying to build up enough confidence to ask her out for ages.

This weekend has been a bad one. On Friday I had a diarrhoea incident worthy of a lengthy post in its' own right, involving as it did a sprint, begging for a toilet key in a coffee shop and making it to the toilet in time to drop my trousers but without sufficient time to sit down. The upshot was that I coated the seat, cistern and wall with slurry. Very smelly, very nasty and, when told properly, very funny.

On Saturday I woke at 8. I had 29 missed calls from my best mate. I called him back straight away and was told his missus, a close friend of mine, was dead. I sprinted to the house and found police everywhere. I was interviewed as I'd been with her a couple of hours before her death. The current situation is that my best mate is suffering badly, and I've lost a really good friend. A young, pretty girl, well brought up, never used drugs, sensible, kind and thoughtful has died at the age of 23. Clearly, this is really bad. There's not a lot of laughing at mine right now.

However, what it means is that later on today, when Carly starts her shift, I 'm going to go in, tell her how I'm feeling and see what happens. Flirting is all well and good, but the end product would be (will be) brilliant. Life's short, I don't want to miss out on anything.

And she is so sexy. Perfect bum, lovely boobs, flat tummy, pretty, nice smile... Hell, there's no time to waste!

EDIT - It was her day off. Wonderful.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sun 21 Feb 2010, 13:36, 6 replies)

Reading the Signs
So I've never been the sharpest tool in the box when it comes to reading the signs from the members of the opposite sex, there has been many times when my other-half has pointed out that there were many women and worryingly a few blokes checking me out while shopping. For some reason I am totally oblivious to it all...

Anyway, my story begins June 2008 and a new set of NQT teachers turn up at my office for Laptops so they can start to prepare over the summer for their first year of teaching - many of these teachers are quite up themselves, but one 24 year old teacher is very nice to me and my colleagues she actually treated us technicians as something more than a provider of free laptops.

Over the months she visited our office on a fairly regular basis sometimes bringing us home made cakes and sweets (we were very easy to please) but always just to chat/have a moan about all of the other teachers in the school. She came to us for advice and to be cheered up when she was down and used us to vent her anger towards others.
After a while I took a bit of a fancy towards her but thought that nothing would ever come of it so just ignored it. Now as I previously said I'm not good at this sign reading, I thought she was just being friendly.

There was a talent contest at the school (mainly for the kids, but as staff could participate too), I thought it would be a good place to show off my new guitar playing skills. At the audition the teacher showed up to actually support me, I made it into the final where she came along again to cheer me on.

I started to see her around more and more and even started to notice these little signs, she would look at me then look away again while biting her bottom lip, she would play with her hair, she would laugh at all of my jokes, she even put up with my sarcastic side and gave as good as she got.

I finally reallised she liked me too (after my colleague said he's seen all these signs towards me) but how would I react to this, I had a few problems:
a. She had a boyfriend
b. I had a girlfriend

I decided the best thing to do was ignore it, we would still flirt (it progressed to text messages, emails and Facebook) but I never acted on it.

Finally just before Christmas 2009 after being told by the head teacher it was clear I was unhappy at the school (that's for another story) she asked me to clear out my desk and leave the premises immediately. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her, or to have a drunken kiss under the mistletoe. I spoke to her on the phone that night after she had heard about what happened and she actually sounded like she had been crying over it all and was concerned over what I was going to do.

I still speak to her occasionally but I've still never told her how I felt. I've also heard that since I've not been at the school, she hasn't visited my old colleagues as regularly as she used to.

So there you have it, ok not much in terms of flirting, but its my story and I'll say what I want.

Apologies for the length
(metalhead41, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 12:32, 2 replies)