I pissed in his Ribena
My awful flatmate. He used to keep it in a special cupboard so I never 'stole' it, so I whizzed in it and gave it a good shake.

All was good until I woke up with a mammoth hangover days later, forgot, and drank some.

Retch.
(whitehorse, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:58, 1 reply)

Um...
I have nowt.

Again.

All of the people in my life are generally pleasant and do not deserve such things, nor would I stoop to such levels.

However, I have a vaguely related notion for a convivial mockery opportunity. My significant other does a lovely line in chocolate-coated marzipan-wrapped cherries. I think a plate of these at a party would be nice, though plan to replace one of the cherries with a delicious brussels sprout. Russian roulette for the everyday fellow.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:58, 3 replies)

become an anorexic see if I care
.... nice tits tho'
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:58, 1 reply)

I like my food spicy.
Which is fair enough, a lot of people do.

Well, during my first year at uni, we were all playing pranks on each other. The most stupid one though was when one of my flatmates put chilli sauce in my ketchup.

Later that day, I put the ketchup on some chips. I taste. This is the conversation:

Me: "Hmm. Odd"
Flatmate: (stifling giggles) "W.. .pfft.. what?"
Me: "Oh. Nothing really. Tastes a bit different"
Flatmate: "Oh.. let me try.. (tastes)... mm.. nope! Nothing wrong there! Maybe it's just you"
Me: "Yeah... maybe"
Fatmate: (still giggling)
Me: "It's nicer though"
Flatmate: "Eh?"
Me: "Yeah. It's really nice. Got a kick to it. Heinz must have changed the recipe"
Flatmate: "Oh."

So, award to most mundane prank goes to my old flatmate. Well done him.
( __, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:57, Reply)

and sneeze on it too
yeah, that'll teach her.
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:57, Reply)

oh. and curry made from canned dog food
Take that Fiona Jarret you smug big-titted nice person.
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:56, Reply)

Milk-of-Micturation
I find the best revenge is to piss in the milk bottle. That way you can watch the perps preparing their own urine-enriched cups of T.

Make sure you drink yours black, btw
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:55, Reply)

We lived with a complete psycho once
I put ever increasing degrees of washing up liquid in his drinks, I wasn't trying to kill him or anything, I think I just thought he might get a bit sick.

It sounds a lot more vindictive than it actually was but I just sat here and typed out the whole story and frankly it's just not interesting to anyone who doesn't actually know me. There, I saved you length. HURGH.

*actually, more than once, but that's a different story
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:55, Reply)

Not me but
A friend at uni took revenge on a food thief in their residence. They made chocolate moose with ex-lax and then hid all the bogroll. :o
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:54, 3 replies)

Jolene
Just a quick one.

There is always one idiot in the office that brings their own coffee to drink. Well ‘Jolene’ was that lady. She had slighted me over some bizarre mix up with an invoice, so quick as a flash (over a number of weeks) me and some lads from work started to substitute her special la-di-da coffee with de-caffeinated coffee.

On the final Friday of our plan (4 weeks later) we re-substituted her original coffee and put a whole ground up pack of pro-plus in the sugar (of which she had her normal 6 spoons).

By 10:30am the office manager had to ask her to go home because she was furiously dusting everyone’s monitor singing Journey and refusing to stop.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:53, 3 replies)

Doughnut death
One of the presenters at a radio station I worked at was a complete and utter twonk. A really annoying pecker who had a picture of himself as his computer backdrop.

Anyway, we had some doughnuts kicking about in the kitchen and he was being a right prick about him having the last one.

So, using a splendid combination of cunning and my intimate knowledge of doughnuts I decided to play a little prank on him.

I gutted a biro and poked the straw-like empty case into the little hole they put in the side to inject the filling and sucked the strawberry goo out of the middle. Quite literally 'taking the jam out of his doughnut'.

I wasn't finished though.

We often ordered in food from a local cafe and their fishcakes always used to come with a couple of sachets of tartar sauce, which no one used to eat.

I snipped the top off a few of the packets, poked the leaky end into the doughnut and injected the contents into the jam's place.

He bit into it and, being the massive egomaniacle cock that he was - refusing to admit he'd been got, finished the whole thing.

What a nob.

This trick also works for a tasty treat. Poke the nozzle of squirty cream into the same hole they put the jam in with and unleash hell. Awesome.
(MrKipling43, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:52, 1 reply)

I was staying in a monastery
with Dave Grohl, and it turned out that the Abbot and Dave were born on the same day of the same year!

that's right, Foo's Abbot's age
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:50, 3 replies)

That's not a tomato!
I was at a beer festival a few years ago with a bunch of mates. I was well known amongst the guys as a lover of spicy food so when one of the flock shouted me over to try the organisers special "hot" pickled onions, I wasn't too concerned. After eating a whole one without any obvious reaction, he suggested I try one of his spicy tomatoes – indicating something that looked like a very wrinkly, bright red tomato. So imagine my surprise when the damn thing turned out to be something called a "Scotch Bonnet", one of the worlds hottest chillies ... Not to appear wimpy, I ate the whole thing. I found out afterwards that even the maddest of people don’t eat the seeds. And here is why;

Within 10-minutes I was feeling quite rough; I couldn’t feel my mouth and lips at all and had escaped to buy milk. Four pints of milk later and I started to get stomach cramps, with the inevitable vomiting soon to follow. I was drinking pints of water and then throwing them up all night. I eventually fell asleep about 3am, but was woken with a violent fever and more vomiting which gently alternated into fountains of liquid shit. By 8am, after nearly 12-hours of vomiting, shitting, fever and headaches, I finally started to feel better, although I still couldn’t eat.
It took about 2-months to get over.

Laugh? Oh, yeah. Dead fucking funny.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:48, 5 replies)

Some arse at work commands that you make them tea. How do you get revenge?
I conveniently forget to make it that's how, I can honestly say I have never sabotaged anyone's food, other than the odd practical joke of tabasco in the coffee, oh well thats that qotw done, see you in a week...meh
( MonkeyOfCode is your favourite waste of time, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:47, Reply)

For my brother
A lovely cup of coffee made of gravy powder and salt. He took a great big mouthfull, tee hee!
My brother's crime? He answered the phone to my boyfriend with 'Is that Steve number two or Steve number three?'
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:47, Reply)

If you can't stand the heat...
Let me start this by saying that I love to cook, and generally speaking I'm very good at it.

One of my specialties is gumbo, though I also do a very good chili. I can also brew up a spaghetti sauce that will make you jump around and go "Woo!"

Some of my friends, and both of my sons, profess to liking their food spicy. I'll make something with a bit of a kick to it and they'll tell me it's too mild.

Never say that to a cook.

Did you know that chipotle powder will make a person howl and grab for water if you sneak some into their bowl? Now you do.

For extra fun I take a bowl out of the same pot (without the chipotle) and eat it, smiling, with an untouched beer within reach...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:44, Reply)

This QOTW
Will consist mainly of the following:

*I was working in eatery of some description, someone was rude so I spat in their food.
*I was working in eatery of some description, someone was rude so I jerked off in to their food.
*I pissed in someones coffee/tea/other beverage
*I wiped my knob on their cup/mug/beaker
*I put pubes in someones food
*I got something really hot and put it in their food
*I put dog/cat food in their food
*I killed their parents and put them in the chilli that they are eating now

Oh wait that last one was South Park. But you get the point
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:43, 2 replies)

I was working as a waiter and the punter ordered a bowl of shit with jizz on it
I gave him frosted shredded wheat.

that taught the cunt
(The Stalker's Stalker For all your stalking needs, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:43, 3 replies)

First-ish
Posting now because I'm going to be busy to do so for the next 7 days...

I once went for 2 weeks , listening to nothing but Ozzy Osbourne's pre-solo albums.

That was my fad sabbath age

See you next Thursday
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:43, 4 replies)

Oooh another one.
I love unscrewing the tops off the salt and pepper pots in eateries.

I've never been around to see the results though.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:40, Reply)

This AGAIN???
Are we going to have to put up with 50 (bullshit) posts of how they spunked into someones food for revenge. AGAIN?!?
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:40, 1 reply)

Oh look
another questions which is virtually identical to an old one.

Woo fucking hoo.

I've got a story. I was working in a restaurant. The customer was really rude, so being the sad impotent loser that I was, instead of just accepting that some people are cunts I went into the kitchen and started beating one off onto his pizza.

And he ate my jizz without knowing it! That makes me the coolest person in all the world and he is a person who ate jizz without knowing it! Isn't that jus the funniest fucking thing you've ever fucking heard!

I still work as a waiter.
( Bazongaloid, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:40, 8 replies)

Oops
One recent (last 90 seconds maybe) social networking gaffe was the QOTW closing whilst I was still typing...

But here it is anyway...

Worried about who my 13yo daughter might be talking to, I installed a bit of software that monitored what she got up to.

I really ought to have use more care when configuring the report facility, as it spams my hotmail account every hour with reports in mht format which can be upto 4Mb.
However, all I get are screenshots of her playing Runescape, with nothing in the convo to be concerned about.

Then my eldest decides to install Sims, and I get a few megs of screenshots of that.

Then my other lad logs in, and up pops a snapshot of his MySpace friends page. About 40 friends, not loads, but he said he talks to no one that he hasn't met in real life.

The sad thing is, they're all lasses between 15 - 19 (he's 15).

Why was my childhood not filled with such wonders? When I think back, all the girls at my school were right hounds and any that weren't were already seeing someone else.

If only there was internet when I was still at school...

My social networking gaffe was being born 20 years too early.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:38, 1 reply)

Pie
Made a lovely looking meat pie and left it on the worktop to snare the food thief.
The filling? Supermarket own brand dog food.

Found the missing slice in the bin and a pool of vomit in the sink and the perpetrator in the living room looking quite green.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:37, 2 replies)

I just cook it .
That's sabotage enough for me.
( girlinthehole, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:36, Reply)

Near the start!
Wooyay!
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:36, Reply)

Third?
Hah well at least I was right.

Unfortunately I'm not a mean bastard and have never sabotaged anyone's food. I have cooked some pretty awful dishes, and shared them with people, but they still got eaten cos we were all hungry. Basically, I root around in the cupboard and pull out an assortment of ingredients that might work well together, put them all in a casserole dish and bake them until the top is brown.

It always turns out watery and tasting vaguely of old, wrinkly tomatoes.

Apologies for third-ness.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:36, Reply)

First!
First!

Oh. Second then. Damnez-vous Kaol!
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:35, Reply)

First!
Wasabi.

Every time.
( Cawl, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 15:35, 4 replies)