I used to work in a paternity testing lab...
typing up the reports of the tests. On my second or third day, I had a rather distraught man call me to ask a few questions about his report. He had been going through a custody case and the court had ordered the test just to ensure that everything was kosher. Both parties knew he was the father, yet the report said otherwhise. Long story short, I typed that he was 'Excluded' from being the father, rather than 'Not Excluded' (which is how it had to be worded).

Lucky he didn't sue...
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:50, Reply)

And if you're going to say something
rude about a deaf lip-reader relative, remember to check the room for mirrors first.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:49, Reply)

Large family gathering
aged 11ish. Sitting at a table full of similarly aged cousins and friends. I tell them my favourite joke of the time, punchline of which is "fucking hell it's hit him". I'd previously told a cleaned-up version to my father. Unknown to me he'd heard the start of the joke and hushed the adjacent table (of grandmothers, gentile maiden aunts and the local vicar) so they could listen too. The silence when I reached the uncensored punchline was the most horrific of my life.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:47, Reply)

Myself and a friend
were in a large shop where they sell a variety of things, including locally produced craft.

On viewing a table covered in lovely carved wooden items, I noticed a sticker that said all items were made by a guy at his home in St Budeaux.

That being one of the less savoury parts of plymouth, I proceeded to proclaim to my friend 'well he's done well for someone from St Budeaux!'

'He's behind you' my friend replied. Sure enough he was, and he looked the sweetest old man ever.
( notshiny, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:36, Reply)

Wrong place, wrong time...
I was in school telling this joke I stole from a movie: "If you're not good at anything you become a teacher, if you're not good at that you become a PE teacher."
I told it to this girl I kinda have a crush on who's from a family of teachers and wants to be a PE teacher herself.

Ouch... Especially ouch because she TOLD me she wanted to be a PE teacher earlier on in the conversation.
( RarelyEvil, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:30, Reply)

my mate's cat, Homer, got run over by a car a few years ago,
and seeing as how he'd had that cat for a very long time, he was quite upset. we talked about it for some time and i managed to make him feel a bit better about the whole thing.
next time i was at his house, after 10 minutes of being there and not seeing his cat anywhere, i asked "dude, where's your cat at?", only to realise the truth a second later...
(nephtali, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:22, Reply)

At school, we had a
new Maths teacher one day, and I'm attempting to point out to my friends at the back of the class what saggy tits she has. I've mouthed this a few times with the internationally recognised hand gesture for saggy tits. They don't have a clue what I'm going on about so I raise my voice above the general noise of the classroom a tad. At that instant, for a reason I shall never know the class goes silent, leaving me shouting "She's got saggy tits!" with her staring at me. Bugger.

This other one wasn't me. A friend took her daughter to the dentist, and was sitting in the silent waiting room. After a few minutes a black guy walks in and sits down. Daughter nudges mother and asks in a loud voice "Mummy, what's that monkey doing in here ?". Apparently, she swept her into her arms and rushed out.
(Redbull_(UK) pfffft, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:21, Reply)

Norfolk Broads
My mate JW went on a two week boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with his girlfriend, mum & dad, an auntie and both of his grandmothers. Because the interior walls of the narrowboat were paper thin, he and the gf decided to self-impose a nookie ban for fear of embarrassing all the wrinklies, but by the end of the first week, he was absolutely gagging for it.

Imagine then his delight at waking up very early Sunday morning to find the boat absolutely silent – woo!, yay! and hoopla! A damn good shagging ensued after which the boat was still completely silent, so they do it all over again, with a little more gusto.

After dispensing a weeks worth of baby glue, JW pops to the galley for a post-coital drink and notices, in horror, through the galley window two things;

i) His entire family sat in awkward silence on the riverbank having breakfast.

ii) The mini-tsunami of tidal waves from the bonking still hadn’t settled down.


Made the second week a bit awkward.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 8:39, Reply)

When I ran a pub...
I used to work for the 2 joint owners. John, or Spindle due to his ridiculously skinny legs was OK most of the time but the other owner is a very very large Australian called Michael with no sense of decorum at all. Sounds like any Aussie I hear you cry. Your probably right but he had little personal habits that the rest of the staff didn't like, for example, he would always stand very close behind the young female members of staff and touch their shoulder, nothing wrong but intimidating for the younger girls (the older ones told him to fuck off you pervy twunt).

Well one day, I was training a new member off staff on her first shift and she was very nervous and kept dropping things everywhere. To try and make a joke of it, I told her she had better stop dropping things because otherwise Michael might appear behind her and be tempted by the inviting image he was presented with. She laughed and said Michael wouldn't be able to get himself in her anyway as his stomach would stop him and it had probably dropped off through lack of use. Of course, I was laughing and she was laughing all at his enourmous gut, underused penis and pervy nature only to find him standing behind us.

I apologised but the girl never worked in my pub again, although I still kept in touch with her for a little while and she told me she bumped into Michael in the street and tried to chat him up!
(_earwaxuk_, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 8:35, Reply)

A few years ago..
I was dating a lass whos father had died (rather unexpectedly) in the prior month. went to dinner with a mate and his woman and started chatting. before i knew it he was blabbing on about how he'd want to die, if he had a choice.. while it wasn't actually me who was doing the footinmouthing, i still wanted to vanish..
(5lab, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 8:33, Reply)

Stinky
At school, when I was about 12, we had a maths teacher called Mr Smith. Now the poor man had a bit of a B.O problem, strong enough to bring tears to your eyes. One warm summers day, after enduring half an hour in a stuffy classroom with him, he left the room. I stood up and went "Pwoooor, stinky-stinky pits-pits'over and over, whilst jumping up & down, flapping my arms like a chicken.(Yes, very mature, I know..) A hushed silence - I turn around & there is Mr Smith in the doorway, just staring at me. My chant petered out as the floor opened up & engulfed me....
(Lambswax, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 7:23, Reply)

someone
with whom I work with had a close friend who hung themselves,and theres me less than a week later telling them to stop hanging about and goto dinner.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 7:19, Reply)

I was invited out to an expensive dinner with the company CEO, his wife, and a client.
Half a bottle of wine later (it doesn't take much to make my standards start slipping) we were discussing jewellery. I loudly proclaimed that I can't stand pearls, 'cos I think they always look crap. Silence. Loooong silence. And a bit more silence, just for good measure. Then I noticed that the CEO's wife was wearing a triple-string necklace of huge pearls, with matching pearl earrings. I found out later that her father owns Australia's largest pearl fishing business. That was my last dinner invite from the CEO.
( Purple Martin is board sigless, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 6:59, Reply)

On the other hand....
I'm very hard of hearing and a couple of times I've been the sinned-against. One time in a fancy steakhouse n Philly, I was with friends who are deaf. She doesn't speak so we were signing all eve. At dessert, I was enjoying a big ol' slice of chocolate cake when some moneybags skinnyass harridan behind me screeched, "Well, no wonder she's as big as a house, look what she's shovelling in her face!"

I whipped around and hissed, "I can hear, you bitch!"


Another time at the supermarket I was signing with one of the cashiers. The woman at the next line over said loudly, "Gee, look at them, jist wavin' they arms around like a couple o' monkeys!" Thanks, babe.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 5:23, Reply)

I teach middle school.
Consequently, I often must chastise students for excessive horseplay or for foul language, etc., in the halls. Problem is, there are a lot of black students at my school; and most of them -- girls and boys in equal parts -- wear their hair in corn rows. The short variety, with no extensions. About once a week I make the mistake of telling one student to "get away from him" when the person in question is actually a girl. And I mistake the boys for girls nearly as often, unless they dress very distinctively. We have unisex school uniforms, you see, and at the age of 11, 12, or 13, a great many boys and girls all look exactly like one another.... Unless I know them personally, I very often am a foot-in-mouth victim. And oh -- do those kids get mad!

Another problem I've had with this sort of thing is with regard to a female student, 14, who had already given birth to a baby during the year prior. She showed no ill effects from it all, and in fact her physical appearance was -- to put it mildly -- extremely enticing, advanced for her age.

One day, as the final bell rang and the students quickly left our area, I stood talking with a colleague about this particular girl. Unbeknownst to me, she was still in the room, finishing an assignment, as I stood just outside the door talking. I carelessly said to my colleague, "Hey, did you see how tight So-and-So's jeans were today? ....If that doesn't scream 'please give me another baby right now', I don't know what does!"

And, of course, about a minute later she comes sidling out, not looking at either one of us, muttering good bye. I was so startled to see her suddenly appear there that I swear I jumped a foot into the air. All I could say was, "Have a nice afternoon," while my colleague proceeded to nearly die from hysterical silent laughter.

I felt so horribly about it, and the girl didn't come back to school for over a week.

But, when she did, she still wore those super-tight jeans all the time.
(tookishlad, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 5:17, Reply)

Oh jeezly cripe
I have many, many examples. One day I had a patient (who was having a baby) with a big ornate gothic script "EDDIE" tattoo on the inside of her thigh. For almost 12 hours, I soothed, cajoled, encouraged and cheered on this lady. I brought her boyfriend into it: "Look at Eddie, he loves you and the baby so much, breathe with Eddie, keep going, Eddie, you hold her hand" blah, blah, blah.

Close to the end, I realize he's gotten more and more stony-faced and silent throughout the day. He's actually glaring at me now. A thought strikes me, "Uh, is your name Eddie?"

With the most hateful glance, he grunts, "No."
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 5:15, Reply)

Poor Minorities
While speaking my views on the whole Iraq thing to a bunch of chaps who happened to be on the opposing side of every issue, I forgot about the two exchange students of Arabic descent sitting at the same table. Eventually, I managed to bring up that radical cleric somebody al sadr, I butchered the name and proceeded to point out how nobody can pronounce the names of those people anyway. Then I remembered the two kids who had equally unpronouncable names and frowns on their faces.
(Necromancer, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 4:13, Reply)

Grouphug
A couple that I knew lost their daughter in the Dunblane school shooting. To help with the pain a few months later, in a town many many miles away, we all went with a group of other friends to a gig at our local leisure/sports centre.

After warming-up with a few beers in the upstairs bar we went back down through the lobby towards the venue. The mother of the child stopped suddenly in the lobby, her face white. She was standing in front of a sign to one of the sports centre facilities, the Projectile Gallery. "Yes," I said, "There's a shooting range here too.........."
(sad b'stard, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 3:17, Reply)

vaginal plastic surgery
I had a colleague who had cancer of the vulva (very rare) and shortly after she underwent surgery to remove just about everything down there, in her presence I asked a whole room full of colleagues if they'd seen the previous night's TV programme on Hollywood-style vaginal plastic surgery. I wanted to disappear the moment I said it. Then a year later, somewhat socially incompetent due to a small sherry or 2, I did exactly the same thing again and got mightily kicked in shins by a more caring colleague, exactly as I deserved.
(hyster, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 2:32, Reply)

i was in the computer lab at school
and some un-nerdly person wandered in, or something, and i said something to the tune of, "if i had an uzi, i would SO mow all these kids down!"

i was suspended. best enforced vacation i ever did have.
(schnurricane, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 2:32, Reply)

on monday
i had this god awfull saftey refresher course all people where i work have to take once a year (last year i slept through it & still passed) on my way to the "lecture theatre" i was telling my mate how boring & crap it was gonna be & how they should change it to keep people awake blah blah blah anyway it took me 3-5 minutes to get to this course the whole time cussing & slagging it off whilst the person giving us the course was walking behind us !!!!!


i then had to sit trying "still" not tofall asleep as this person tried to liven the 5 hours up lookin at me constantly for approval:(
(Lucy-Furr, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 2:06, Reply)

Anglo-Danish Relations dealt a severe blow
Not my social gaffe, but I put my hands up to being the twisted instigator of the worst moment in one young lads life;

At last years Roskilde festival, (think Glasto but with a lot more Swedish girls), we got chatting in one of the backstage areas to a lovely Danish family, who despite our quite obvious state of inebriation, decided this was a great opportunity for their fourteen year old son to get some practise for an upcoming English exam by getting some tips on grammar and pronunciation from real live English people.

Despite the tremendous noise coming from the adjacent stage (Turbonegro : VERY metal), it didn’t take long to realise that the lads grasp of English far surpassed most British school leavers, so we quickly advanced to the advanced topic of, er, shall we just say the more Anglo-Saxon phrases...

Simply because he was so good at English, we started with truly advanced swearing like "Flange" and "Jap’s Eye" which soon descended into a competition between us Brits as to who knew the most obscure (and therefore funny) profanity, during which the Danish kid just looked more and more crestfallen because he didn’t understand a bloody word we were saying. Feeling sorry for him, somebody suggested "Wanker", to which his eye’s lit up like a Christmas tree. Here at last was a word he actually knew and unable to contain his juvenile joy he shouted "Yes! I know Wanker!" at the top of his voice, which wouldn’t have been a problem ten seconds earlier when the band were still playing at 120 decibels, but he’d timed the outburst to coincide with a sudden silence in the set. About two-hundred people, including his Mum, Dad and about ten Aunties and Uncles turned as one to see who the foul-mouthed little bastard was...

The shame, the shame.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 1:58, Reply)

Ahhh and anotherrrr....
A friend of mine, who is a tad bit big. Not fat, just a humongous guy with slightly large... breasts. Somone that can easily put you into a swooning, swimming, swirling wide world of painful feelings. But with large breasts.

After one day of football his sister comes to pick him up, and shes got an itty bitty waste and vacuous bossom. And of this, I had to comment about.

Tactfully whispering to a friend, "I guess big boobs run in the family, eh?"

And of course, for a foot-in-mouth story to be pertinent to the subject... He heard me. And beat my arse 'till I was covered in more bruises than I get from Paintball. But it was most definatly worth it.
(TomBombadil- PWNS all at StarCraft till he got Call of Duty, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 1:48, Reply)

Just thought of another
When we take the money around to the post office from the pharmacy I work at, there's often a queue and nothing to do but take in the covers of the prominently-placed porn magazines (woo, alliteration).
Anyway, I go into HMV a day or two after this event and pay by card. The pen isn't working when I go to do my signature on the receipt, so the sales assistant passes me one of the porn magazines identical to the ones in the post office and says "here you go, you can lean on, erm..."
Without thinking to skip a beat and look at the magazine, I quick-as-lightning respond "Jenna Jameson", much to the assistant's shock and amusement. I just thank God I was with my brother instead of my girlfriend that day.
( Malchick, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 1:24, Reply)

An old bit at school...
Well, after throughly abusing a girl who had come down a tad bit hard on me, I was talking to a younger friend of mine, explaining the rampage of rape and pillaging of that poor girls shirt as me and a friend attempted to pick her up. Failing to do so (Where where you when I needed you! Damn you muscles!!) we dragged a couple feet. Feeling our hearts fail us, we used the tactful Shake Of The Fist, kick her shoe, and quickly run away; or in our case... stagger upon each-others shoulders from the exertment.

Now... back to the recalling part. Reminiscing our fun and games (all in the name of rape) I told my young friend, "Ahh yes, I remeber that hoe. She wouldn't shut the fuck up whilst I was raping her. She screamed so loud even the teachers could her her upstairs. Luckily I had my chloroform."

And of course, the Dean happended to be over at this particular area (it's a haven for... socially challegned like myself... and the Dean's the biggest jock... but of course the tennis courts are past that aways, so he might have an excuse.) He leans over my shoulder, and calmly says, "Rape her did you Mr. Erdman? Well, we'll talk about this in my office."

Now if this was some trendy movie where the Dean is a 30-odd-year-old lady with long legs and a full chest, this wouldn't happen to be a problem. But, maybe supposing how the Dean is an old, 60 year old, smelly, balding, white haired man, I dreaded being in his office for any sorts of long periods of time. Luckily, he forgot, and I got off scotch free. Good for me because I'd happen to have skipped religion class the other day, and he was a little preturbed. But for the life of me I cannot figure out why.
(TomBombadil- PWNS all at StarCraft till he got Call of Duty, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 1:24, Reply)

A rather attractive
house mate of a friend of mine had just come back from work as a nurse. she had sat down with us and had a smoke (Marlboro Lights my preferred brand)then went upstairs to get changed.
she then came back down and said where is my ciggies?
the other guys answered "i dunno" etc.
i replied without looking up "you put them in your top right pocket of your uniform". to which my mate turned and looked at me and said "you were bloody observant." with a big grin on his face. i then got wound up by everyone else about my 'observant nature'. this then made me turn a shade of red that would make a traffic light look dull.
where in truth I had only noticed as it was my preferred brand and no other reason if they had been L&B i would of been saying dunno like the rest.
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 1:10, Reply)

OOPsie
I was in a car with a new friend and we were abusing people as we passed them saying things like ' eugh look at that fat mess' and 'hee hee that guys walking like the gayest gayness ever'. When I saw a guy and said ' look at the nic of that chap all hair falling out and walking with a weird sort of limp looks like hes from some sort of radiation experiment eugh just look god how horrible he is'. My new ex friend said well done he can't help it he suffers badly from polio and he is my father........Shit.
(chossy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 0:50, Reply)

It just kind of popped out....
One of my ex's had a mum. she was a teacher, and specialised in the teaching of english. One day she was reading a book, and i had just walked in the house, fresh from smoking a joint.

Me: "what are you reading?"
Her: "I'm doing some reasearch for one of my english groups - pronunciation and things"
Me: "How can you teach pronunciation? you're from Birmingham!"

I really don't have anything against people from Birmingham, I just thought it would be a witty thing to say at the time - being stoned and everything....

Lesson to be learned here, kids - don't smoke weed before social situations where you really ought to try and come accross as a nice, sensible choice of boyfriend. In fact don't smoke weed at all - it's very naughty.

Oh yeah, why is it that people insist on having that "all creatures great and small" hymn at funerals? I can be upset as anything, but the second line of the second verse will always make me laugh - "the purple-headed mountain, the river running by..."
( GTA, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 0:41, Reply)

Long story short: I quit my job because it was shit
and I have five or so months until Uni life begins, which means getting acquainted with the joyous activity of temping. I'm an agency virgin so was a little nervous about applying for shitty jobs, but a good night on the lash the night before helped me overcome my fears.

Anyway, the initial interview (to see if I am suitable for the exciting world of paper filing) went without a hitch, I even started to impress myself. Then, we stood up, shook hands and the job lady asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day. "I'm a bit hungover actually, I'll probably go back to bed," was my genius reply. I'd have been better off saying "Actually, there's a few dead hookers in the boot of my car, I'd better dispose of them sometime today!"

I've still not been given any work.
(MrSnuggly, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 0:21, Reply)

I had a practical music exam in school one day
and after it had finished, I met up with my friend in the cafeteria and found out her grandad had died of a heart attack. After a while, she asked me how my music exam had went and I said that it had went good but "knowing my luck, the examiner will have a heart attack on the way home and die and I'll have to do it again". As I was saying it I was thinking "oh fuck" but just couldn't seem to stop talking...
(ginblossoms, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 0:16, Reply)