Be careful how you describe a fat lasses vagina
In my horny youth for reasons I can't recall I found myself in the back seat of a car with a rather fat lass. As it was dark I couldn't really see much of what was about to have a go on so I got out my trusty pen-sized maglight to have look-see. The batteries were going flat and didn't really have much of a powerful beam at the best of times so it didn't reveal much of the prize. Waving it over her vag area I was overcome with the similarities to a scene in one of my favourite films.

"Fuck me. It looks like a scary alien coming out of the dark!" I inexplicably announced to the lass. "Err, I didn't mean it like that, I um..."

She still let me fuck her though and my dick didn't get burned off by acid or owt so it worked out ok in the end.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 16:21, 20 replies)

Stoke Bruerne Waterways Museum
When I was a young teacher we often took our classes to museums, in the early eighties, before the National Curriculum. We embarked upon a journey to the above mentioned waterways museum with 40 odd children, including our hearing impaired unit, which included our profoundly deaf children, all of whom wore bulky crystal radio aids which hung round the neck, and earpieces. Being one of the first schools in the country to use Total Communication methods, we also had a bit of funding to buy brightly coloured earpieces as well.(Nowadays, I shudder to think of the reaction, but they were the latest thing!!)

The plummy voiced lady giving the talk was given the neck mike to address the assembled children and staff, and asked us all to move back from the edge of the canal. All obliged bar Jake, who stood staring at a mallard.

(Cue haughty voice) " I arsked yew to move awei frorm the edge. Are yew DEAF (shouted) or something???"

To which my colleague, a petite blonde young lady whom butter wouldn't melt etc, walked up to her and said, sternly but quietly, an inch from her face, so that the children might not hear.

"Of course he is you stupid woman. What do you think that is in his ears? Fucking plasticine?"

The Boss nearly choked!

We never went back.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Wed 22 Aug 2012, 16:03, Reply)

Bill Nighy's incurable fingers
He suffers from a condition called Dupuytren's Contracture, which means his ring finger and little finger are permanently bent inwards towards the palm. Watch out for it next time you see him in a movie.

Anyway, a couple of months back we did this voiceover with him. He's quite open about his condition and mentioned it mostly because he didn't want us to think he was weird. The recording itself was quite painful as we had an idiot in the room with us trying to change the already-pitiful script while Bill was recording it. It went on too long. But Bill was amazing.

We finished and as he popped his head round the door to say goodbye, I wanted to apologise for the script and the stupid changes and tell him how great he was and gush at his feet. But unfortunately, I get quite flustered around proper famous types and all I could muster was, "h-h-hope the h-h-hand gets b-better s-soon".

He looked at me with disbelief and closed the door.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 14:27, 10 replies)

Upsetting the boss.
It was one of those special moments where my mouth engaged itself before my brain could send the appropriate signal to point out that I really should just shut the fuck up, accept a little well light mockery, laugh it off and go to the pub. Unfortunately I have a built in reflex action that prevents me from letting people make me the butt of their jokes and this usually results in disciplinary action whenever an employer is concerned.

I've never been one for getting into games that are designed to raise morale or money for charaity, especially when they're poorly conceived and a bit dull. One children in need day, they decided to raise a little money by forcing us all to donate a pound to play a game, the idea being that the winner would get a prize that was most likely purchased from the 99p store and the children of the world would be onto a winner. We were presented with six pictures of children of around three years of age, three female, three male and told to try and guess which of the directors, head of accounts and head of I.T. they were.

I was given the sheet to complete and didn't even bother to look at the pictures, I just wrote in random names next to random numbers.

Come the end of the day, we were held back for fifteen minutes to endure him announcing the winner, which was dragged out with annoying and pointless banter. Now, so the remainder of the story makes any sense at all, I need to point out that our managing director had a similar build to Cyril Smith.

Just before we finished, he decided to make light of a few of the entries, people who scored nothing etc. He decided to name me and shame my entry last of all. "I would like to give a special mention to Munsta, who thought that when I was a child, I would be on the beach wearing a bikini!"

My reply was "To be fair, you do have tits."



Yes, I do feel like a cunt about this.
( Muns, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 14:02, Reply)

I put my foot in my mouth the other day
Because I'm a contortionist! LOL!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 13:56, Reply)

My wife was annoying me one day...
...so whilst we were watching telly, sat on different sofas and not having sex again for the 1000th time, I said matter-of-factly:

"You know, I don't really think of you as a woman anymore."

She is now my ex-wife. Fortunately, she was a miserable bitch, so it all worked out alright in the end.
(CharminglyShallow incarcerated for a crime he probably did commit., Wed 22 Aug 2012, 11:10, 12 replies)

I asked my girlfriend's dad "Do you mind if I use your loo?"
"Of course" he replied, so I took her in there and we had long, noisy sex.

SO embarrassed!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 9:56, 19 replies)

I accidentally used an old copy of the Geneva Convention.
The version I looked at didn't class writing a book as a war crime.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 5:36, 19 replies)

When I went out with a girl fom Wisconsin
Her mother and brother came to visit us in Glasgow. One day was set aside for shopping so I found myself hungover to the back teeth in Mark's and Spencer, Sauchiehall Street, on a Saturday afternoon. My girlfriend's ma was in the changing room trying on a new pair of jeans. Seeing that I was clearly itching to get this shit over with and get to the pub to cure my hangover my bird tried to hurry her mum up asking her "how are the jeans mom?"

Piece of advice for Americans, don't shout "they're too small I can't fit them over my fanny" in Glasgow.
(Figmaus, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 1:21, 1 reply)

So I said to her 'I totally did you when you were sleeping'
That's backfired on me, BIGSTYLE.
(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 1:17, 1 reply)

Not the best choice of words...
A friend once introduced me to a friend of hers who had struggled with anorexia for a long time. She was however getting better and apparently looked a lot healthier.

My friend, wishing to complement her may have chosen her words poorly...

"You look too fat to be someone with anorexia!"
( B.T., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 22:32, Reply)

The last time we played Moles
in Bath, our socially-challenged singer decided to unexpectedly preface our last song by announcing
" this one's for all the bitches in the house."
Everyone, including the rest of the band took a step back, and we never played there again. Cheers Alan.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 20:50, 9 replies)

On the way back from the funeral of a relative who had died of cancer
"Can we stop for food? I'm wasting away here"
(Heavy Metal, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 17:35, 1 reply)

Are we all just a bunch of people that can make a bomb, and say stupid things at inappropriate times?
From the last QOTW to this weeks I've realised that the vast majority of us posting on this site are slightly insane.

Which immediately brings to mind another incident, many many many moons ago I was being dragged around the shops with the other half. It was boring. She wasn't very 'girly' but wanted a few bits and pieces, some bed sheets, and some girly gunk from boots.

We'd got the sheets, or towels, or whatever it was, we're perusing the aisles of boots, as many men know this is delightful, the most fabulous experience of a saturday morning so you try to cheer yourself up so that you can get into the pub.

My ex was of French origin, contrary to popular belief she was not hairy, so we were looking for those tiny bikini waxing strips, so in my mind, perusing the shelves, in a packed London boots, I decided to out loud start saying 'moustache moustache moustache - nope, can't see them love' 'oh here they are!'. Luckily she thought it slightly funny.

However, when she suffered from constipation, at the pharmacy with her speaking to the pharmacist telling the gentleman her symptoms to get the relevant medication, she did not find me bursting out laughing particularly funny. That was the start of the end of that relationship.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 16:40, 1 reply)

On the patio of a pub sat night
Bit stuck for seating as was quite packed, so started looking around for spares. I spied a chair next to a table full of fellow drinkers and asked one of them
"'scuse me mate, will you need to use this stool?"
"no mate, I brought my own" he replied.
I gave a quizzical look as was half cut and confused. It was then I noticed he was in a wheelchair. Cue me being embarrassed etc, and him taking the piss!
(sunray18, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 16:34, 2 replies)

I have literally just come out of a meeting
where we were discussing a certain companies magazines aimed at the under 7s. Or their 'Pre-school Magazines' as they were called. Or at least as they were called by everybody other than me who three times referred to them as 'your pre-teen magazines'. I'm sure the bloke now thinks I was either calling him a Gadd or that I am one.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 15:22, 5 replies)

I founded a website that aims to hold governments and big business up to scrutiny to promote greater accountability for dubious actions.
Imagine my shame when I was all over the newspapers after hiding out from police questioning in an embassy in London.
(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:42, 185 replies)

Accidental racism from tonight's car trip.
My friend Liz, who I've just met recently, is absolutely lovely. Absolutely gorgeous to look at too, lovely creamy white skin, blue eyes, dark red brown hair.

We were talking about our travel plans and she was saying how she wants to go back to India.
"Oh," I said, "have you been before?"
"Yeah sure, my mum's Indian."
Somewhat confused I was asked if she was British Indian,
"Oh no no," said Liz, "She's Hindi."

And my brain just shut down as my mouth took over and blurted out,
"But you're just so WHITE!"


Luckily for me she saw the funny side.

Honestly though, I think she's adopted.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:33, 4 replies)

as a young australian, fresh off the boat and working in my first job in london
I came in on Monday and yelled out across the open-plan office to a South African mate: "Hey Andy, did you see us beat the pakis on the weekend".
I couldn't help but notice by the deathly hush and disciplinary panel that followed that my comment about the cricket might have been misconstrued
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:11, 32 replies)

I thought this woman said "I don't love you"
So I punched her in the face and killed her children.

Turns out she'd said "Excuse me, do you know where I can find a shop that sells wool?"

SO embarrassed!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:10, Reply)

.
I told a girl she looked fat, but it turned out she was actually pregnant.
( Regger, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 12:43, Reply)

Staggering silence
After hearing the sad news that one of my colleague (and his wife, natch) had lost their baby I nervously asked 'has he checked behind the sofa?'. Totally mis-read that crowd.
(Bababoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 12:41, Reply)

I blame the demon drink
The day before my leaving 'do' from the branch of Barclays, I had learned about proportional representation and immediately recognised it as the cure for all political ills.
Clearly I couldn't keep this discovery to myself so spent the evening of my 'do' explaining all about it, at considerable err...length, to a friend of a friend who had turned up. I enjoyed his company and suggested we could meet after work one evening to continue.
'Where do you work then?'
'I'm studying politics at the London School of Economics'.
Only really hit me the next morning but there has been plenty of blushage since.
(Captain Spod, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 12:39, 1 reply)

my wife regularly suffers from fist in mouth syndrome

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 11:48, 2 replies)

Over the third top-up of Pimm's
at the Vicar's garden party in July, and somewhat controversially in-between bites of his second round of cucumber and Vaseline sandwiches, Bunty thought it would be a cracking wheeze to wax lyrical on the Professor's Airedale Terrier guide dog and its remarkably coarse hair. Little was he to know that the Major's daughter had been ravished and abducted that very year by a motley band of pirates! The looks exchanged during the silence that followed pretty much confirmed that Bunty had blackballed himself for Club membership that year, so in view of the circumstances we gently took him out behind the boathouse and stove the old duffer's head in with a breezeblock.
( .Yeti., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 11:34, 5 replies)

A few years ago, a group of us were sat in a beer garden enjoying a warm summers day.
One of our party leaned into us and whispered 'Have you noticed that guy over there, he's been sat there staring at us for about twenty minutes!"

Sure enough, about twenty feet from our table, there was a guy sat on his own, white t-shirt, sunglasses, slowly sipping his pint and constantly fucking staring at us.

One of our group decided to find out, in his words "What his fucking problem is!" and so got up, walked over to him, leant over his table and shouted at him something along the lines of "What the fuck are you staring at you fucking cunt?"

Interestingly, the word cunt kind of wobbled and faded away into shocked silence. Reason being is that as he was shouting this particular term of abuse at the exact moment he noticed a guide dog asleep under his chair.
( Muns, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 11:05, 7 replies)

The law prohibits a licensed premises providing an intoxicated person with alcohol.
Ever tried explaining this to someone who is slurring their speech, having issues with their coordination and looking drawn in their face, only to discover that they've recently had a stroke?

I have.
( Muns, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 10:22, 5 replies)

Never a truer word
Waaaay back when I was a lad, and computers were still driven by steam and clockwork, I was in the school computer club. With a bunch of other pasty-faced social inadequates, I was working after school one day on our project, which was a moon-landing program.

We were struggling to get it working; it just wasn't moving properly. Then suddenly I realised that we hadn't added in the time correctly - we'd used the minutes, but not the seconds. In a loud voice, and of course just as the attractive female french teacher walked past the open classroom door, I shouted out "We need sec's!"

Could have been the club motto, really.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 9:37, Reply)