I found Osama.
he was behind 9/11.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 1:43, Reply)

My mate Ralph
... knew his dad had a target pistol somewhere hidden in his room so one day when his dad was out, we ransacked the place to find it... no gun (probably a good thing) but his sister did find a small box full of public hair with a note from his aunty (his dad's brother's wife) saying he should keep these as a reminder.
I should point out that instead of being tortured by this, Ralph used the knowledge to get away with ANYTHING for the next few years.
Highlights include:
Dismantling and repairing a minibike in the living room.
Holding a spear-gunning contest down the corridor (which ended when someone speared a can of airfreshener and gassed out the whole house).
Inviting us all over to drink his dad's liquor cabinet dry.
Digging a life-size grave in the front yard, complete with cross.
Etc etc etc.
It was, quite simply, the find that changed everyone's life.
( difficultchild, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 1:39, 3 replies)

To the people who've posted about finding Jesus behind the couch,
make sure you verify that it really is Jesus.

DON'T just take their word for it. It might be Bono.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 1:14, 3 replies)

I found that
Having sex with my Mom's best friends daughter didn't make my Mother stop loving me.

At the same time I also found out what the phrase don't shit on your own doorstep meant!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 0:44, 2 replies)

Absolute freeloaders
Students find many ways to cope with the pitiful student loan. Some live off the Tesco Value range. Some get a part-time job. Some sell their virginity on ebay (well, a couple). My freshers flat... we looted from M&S. They'd throw away perfectly decent food into their mercifully unguarded bins each day, and every so often we'd pay a visit and pick up a loaf of bread to freeze, some almost-expired custard to feast on, or a ready meal to blast in our tempermental microwave. We took some roses on one occassion, using empty beer bottles with water as makeshift vases until the roses died (the next day).

One evening, under cover of darkness, we lifted the lid of the bin. Four eager faces gazed into the depths, noses screwed against the faintly stale smell. A glimmer from one corner - the silver lid of a glass jar, filled with a beige semi-solid substance.

"Honey!" we exclaimed, like eager children. Oh, we could afford cheap honey from Tesco - but this wasn't just honey, it was M&S honey (sorry, I couldn't resist). How glorious this would be spread on a lightly toasted piece of white Tesco value bread in the mornings, with a cup of Tesco value tea. We could almost smell it, almost taste it. We had to have it.

However, not much had been thrown out that day and the bin was nearly empty. Our arms just couldn't reach down to the jar. After a considerable amount of effort, we were on the brink of giving up when J said, "F*ck it, I'll just hop in". Bent over the edge, he lowered his entire upper body into the bin and proudly produced the sacred jar. Honey!

...No. Seafood dressing.

Probably not the best, but definitely the funniest thing I've ever found.
(Judge Society would be a pexagram, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 0:42, Reply)

I found Jesus
He was hiding under the stairs :)
(KnackerDwarf, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 0:36, Reply)

The best thing i ever found
when i was walking home from school a few years ago laying right next to a drain was one of the biggest keys i have ever seen in my life it was about a foot long , so i decided to take it home thinking this would look good glued to the wall. My dad found this mammoth key instead and took it to the police station and it turned out to be a bank key to one of the high security safes in my local area. wish i still kept it

and also once after a unsuccesful conker gathering mission finding almost nothing me and my freind came across a massive black bag of conkers completly stuffed laying in the road needless to say we crammed our pockets and pants and any other orrofice with the brown gold and took them home where they eventually went mouldy and then got thrown away.
(yousatonmybiscuits liberty city has the worst cab drivers, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 0:32, 1 reply)

In the spirit of all the porn stories.
I was just a wee lad, 12/13 to be precise. As such I was just starting to realise the beauty and wonderment of the female figure. Boobies and nipples now filled my thoughts and the attainment of a pair for my own enjoyment became my quest. Even the vaginas I saw in magazines no longer made me go 'urgh' like they did when I were an even younger lad, finding my dads 'personal library'. Of course I was a fat, geeky, spotty, oik with awful hair and as bout as much idea of how to talk to girls as Jack the Ripper's more socially awkward younger brother. So actually finding a woman who would let me touch and squeeze their boobies and gosh darn it stick my todger in that odd looking doodah betwixt their legs, was a fair way off.

*Wavy lines for contextual flashback*

I was an army cadet from the age of 11. Which meant all sorts of fun for a young lad who liked mud and guns. Of course these jaunts into the wilderness of the country were run by trained adults, but much of the fun was directed by older, longer serving kids. One night while tucked up in bed on some camp or other, we were discussing girls. The lad in charge whose name escapes me was telling us about the joys of boinking ladies. We young'uns listened intently with the awe and worshipfulness reserved for someone who had actually had intercourse. He told us that it would probably be couple of years before we would ever get lucky ourselves, but don't worry, soon we would discover wanking and our lives would be complete. I pretended to understand, when i clearly didnt and went back to wistfully dreaming about Kylie, Clair from school and whoever else was hot in the late 90s.

*Wavy lines back to reality*

My new found keen interest in ladies had led me to scour the TV pages for films and programs that would show boobidge. Oh the nights that I would stay up to watch 'Eurotrash' to watch some naked Germans, or an Italian TV host who liked to be nude in odd situations. One night I looked in the TV pages and found the magic words that made my little heart beat that little bit faster; 'erotic thriller'. . I'd have watched this; www.imdb.com/title/tt0108162/ anyway. I mean fuck, it had Sharon Stone in it, even I knew back then she was a dirty bitch. Perfect.

The night was set. I went up to bed turned on my little black and white TV with the sound down(yes i had a black and white TV in my room in the late nineties, oh how times change). I watched as William Baldwin acted badly, I watched as Sharon Stone teased me in her little white pants and vest combo (still one of my favourites to this day). Finally, I hit pay-dirt. Sharon Stone in the bath! Oh yeah, that's it rithe around sexually. Mmmmm yeah this is gooooood shit. As was often the in these situations, my John Thomas was making himself known. Ooh I was a lucky lad, being treated to this. As the scene continued I noticed my ol'chap getting more and more agitated. This is odd thought I as I enjoyed what at the time were grotesque but fascinating and beautiful images. By now my volatile and straining gentleman was almost screaming at me. I didnt know what he wanted, but he wanted something, it was getting to the point where he was distracting me from trying to catch a glimpse of nipple from what I now know was a masturbating lady (at the time I didnt understand, I thought it was just an unusual bathing technique). For reasons that I still don't properly get today, a primeval urge to grab my todger and shake it took me over. Literally seconds later, I had spilled my seed all over the chair and floor and a colossal explosion of stimulation swept over me.

I had found the joys of wanking, and so my teenage years really begun.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Sun 9 Nov 2008, 23:43, Reply)

oh yea
me and my girlfriend found a perfectly good 3 man tent once..

and to top it off, this occurred on my birthday...
(Lord Chode, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 23:18, Reply)

As a young child, no more than three or four,
I walked into my Mothers bedroom and found her in a most unusual position, although as the years progressed, it ceased to seem that unusual.

She had a shot gun in her mouth and was crying.

Thanks Mom... That kept my therapist in beans on toast for three months!

Fortunately I have found my sanity now.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 22:35, 4 replies)

My Flatmate
Found a sofa, next to a skip. It's the comfiest thing that I've ever sat on. It has a hole under one seat that been filled with blankets. He found it one day coming back from the shops and sragged it back 100 yards himself.

He also found a childs bike, It was fairly beat up and left unchained in the park, so we're fairly sure he didn't nick a wee kids pride and joy.

I have found little of merit except that getting a jam jar lid stuck in your bike wheel causes lots of blood and uses up half my beer loan to buy a new wheel.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 22:32, Reply)

i once found some
porn mags under a bush in Haywards Heath
( turb0t, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 21:50, Reply)

an oil painted outline of a knight and his maiden
when we moved into our victorian terrace in the traditionally "gritty" bit of Bristol, once home to seafaring types we chipped the scabby old woodchip off a wall upstairs to find the aforementioned oil paintings on the plaster.

seriously, wtf.
(DissolvedMynci, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 21:49, 2 replies)

Clearing your throat
I used to live in a house which had an attic bedroom, up a steep open staircase. One night I'd gone to bed a little refreshed, but remembered to bring a pint glass of water up too, and had it by the side of the bed.

Imagine my surprise then, on waking up early and a tad parched. With the light off I reached around for the glass. Putting it to my lips, I was just about to drink when it occurred, even to my drunken self, that the water was a little livelier than usual.

I put it down and turned on the light, astonished to find a live frog in it, treading water.

...insert obvious punchline here :)
(Countryslicker, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 21:24, Reply)

It would have been the best if I got to keep it!
on my way to work one night, at a nightclub in Glasgow, I found a coffin
when I say find, I mean i walked into it! There it was, lying down, in the middle of a lane going off the main road.

mmm, i thinks, a coffin- not normal, but what the hell. I`m not that far from the morgue, so maybe this is a drop-off point!?

I carry on walking swiftly, as it`s not well lit round there, and bump into two of glasgow`s finest constabulary soon after. After commenting on said coffin, and convincing them that, rather than being pished, I am on my way to work, they let me go on my way.

On getting to the club (slightly late) I tell the manager about this strange course of events; as his bullshit detector went into effect he decided to jump into the crap-mobile and prove me wrong and/or wasted.
Three right-hand turns later he slows the crap-mobile down as we pass the spectacle of five cops heaving the now evidently occupied coffin into a police transit van.

Sadly, the initial cop pair hadn`t asked me for too many details, so I didn`t get to keep it and its contents if it wasn`t claimed!

length// about 7` by 3`, tapering off to either end.
(hiddenshallows, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 21:17, Reply)

I don't know if this would be categorized as best, but...
I was visiting my friends at college about three months ago, and decided to go looking for their porn folders on their computers(as men are wont to do), wherein on one of their computers, I came across a folder containing pictures of girls in our graduating class from their facebooks,myspaces, etc. As I scrolled through in shock, it was revealed that he had also been taking voyeuristic photos of them during band practice. It confirmed many of my suspicions concerning his creepiness.
(ev1lpoptart is known to contain at least 24 carcinogens, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 20:19, Reply)

i found
this man in stratford upon avon

www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=22200836024&oid=10532089640
(Lord Chode, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 20:13, 2 replies)

At RockNess earlier this year
I found a discarded bottle of poppers laying on the ground which made me giggle like a schoolgirl for a good two hours.

I also remember finding a box of condoms in my dad's drawer when I was just barely old enough to know what they were. I sneaked one out and took it downstairs to the living room, where I unrolled it. Then, hit by a wave of revulsion at the realisation that my mum and dad must "do it", I threw it in the fire. Still, I knew where to look six years later when I discovered my girlfriend was a little more "ready" than I had assumed, so it's a score.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 20:01, Reply)

I was walking accross Dartmoor
back in the days before my Mountain Leader Training, when the grippy sole ripped off of the bottom of my very cheap walking boot.

I knew that I still had some way to walk, but being unprepared I had no way of fixing it. However as we crested a hill, sat there gleaming in the sunshine (and a large cow pat) was a cheap Swiss Army knife type thing.

Using the saw, I managed to craft a peg that held my flapping boot grip back on to the crappy foam that made up the sole.

Once I got home, the boots were place firmly in the bin in disgust, but the knife did me all the way through Uni, including a good session of suicidal thoughts and self harming.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 19:50, 2 replies)

As a very small boy
while playing with my cousin round the back of my grans house (not doctors and nurses, that was a different day), we found a "sparkler". It was a tiny little stone, probably a little cubic zirconia from out one of my other cousin's jewellery or some such, but to us it was a diamond!

If I recall correctly, it was my cousin who spotted it first, this tiny little sparkly diamond, and she plonked it into my hand to have a look at, at which point, being the boy and obviously the best, I decided it was mine.

Instantly, flashes of the fabulous life which would be mine came into my mind as I imagined myself eating mountains of angel delight or whatever things my teensy seven year old brain could imagine. This was my ticket out of here, surely a diamond such as this would be worth millions.

My cousin, rather shamefully I should add, was not at all pleased with this situation, and immediately attempted to snatch the prize from my clammy little hand. In the ensuing struggle, our little sparkler was lost on the dusty ground, and several hours (or what seemed like it, probably about ten minutes) of searching revealed nothing. It was gone forever.

The moral of the story is quite clearly this..... little girls are greedy and will destroy your dreams. If only I had learned that lesson then, I might have my mountains of angel delight by now.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 19:49, Reply)

oh...
...exploring the space above the garage at my grans house in the US, we found a diary. It had been written by a nurse during the American civil war and was pretty brutal.
Obviously not meant for anything other than her own record it's full of unflinchining descriptions of amputations and generally fucked-up battle injuries and all that kind of stuff. It was awesome.

It's on display in the museum in Grand Rapids, Mi, if anyone is going.

We also found some lethal lucifer matches and nearly burnt the garage down. They were cool too.
(inflateable, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 19:17, 2 replies)

shit
shit shit shit


bombs


shit shit shit shit..................
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 19:16, 3 replies)

Clearing out my grans house...
...in the states, we found a very old bottle of medicinal cocaine in the bathroom cupboard.

Being only 12, my mum wouldn't let us try it.
(inflateable, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 18:30, 3 replies)

Compartments.
A few years ago I was going on a family holiday. We had driven to the airport and my parents had gone to the desk of the giant car park thingy to book our car in.
Me and my brother were young and in the car alone. This of course meant that we were going to rummage through everything we could find.
During our search we discovered faint outlines of little doors in the floor of the car. We managed to open these little doors and found that they were secret compartments... that were filled with jewellery and watches...

To this day I don't know why my dad had stashes of stuff hidden in his car. We managed to look in there again a few weeks later but it had all gone.
( Mellicious is made of candy, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 18:15, 1 reply)

I once found AIDS in liquid form
So dipped a £20 note in it and stuck it in a book only a twat would read.
( __, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 18:09, 5 replies)

This just happened
Wondering what to do on a wet Sunday evening I was just flicking through a book about Mount Everest and found £20 inbetween the pages.

I'm off down the pub to spend it, see you later.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 18:00, Reply)