My brother-in-law
What with Bonfire Night coming and going this week, it reminded me of one particular 5th November when I was around 10 or 11 years old. My brother in law was a taxi driver and had (in fact, still has) a penchant for talking out of his arse. He lies like a dyspraxic 7 year old after the summer holidays.

Anyway, given that my family were too impoverished to buy fireworks, me and my brother went to stay with my sister and brother in law overnight, and the view from their street afforded a magnificent view of the town. So we spent this Bonfire Night outside watching all the rich people's fireworks light up the town.

Until my brother in law remembered that he'd "found" an army flare in his taxi one day (this in addition to the nunchucks, throwing stars, army binoculars and 200 boxes of Mayfair he "found" on various occasions).

So anyway, as we're watching these pretty lights bang in the sky, all blue and green and red, all of a sudden we hear a bang, a whoosh, and then a boom as, and I shit you not, the ENTIRE town lit up like it was midday. After this, some luminous chemical or another started falling out of the sky.

We all decided it would be best if we went inside at that point. Quickly.
(GONEism, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 11:01, Reply)

I've found that...
...if you don't ask, you don't get...

...but sometimes - just sometimes - if you do ask, you most certainly do get!

That's all I'm saying.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 10 Nov 2008, 11:00, 3 replies)

I've found
That I'm still really lazy. I'm supposed to be in lectures in 7 minutes but I'm not going because I've got napping planned and it's raining.

It's not like I'm missing out on anything. I've already got the material we're going over and it's a shullbit lecture anyway.
(Hitler's other ball. R soul., Mon 10 Nov 2008, 10:54, 3 replies)

I found
...that most people on B3TA don't know how to spell 'lose', and in fact, add an extra 'O'.
(dchurch bah, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 10:47, 12 replies)

I found my family
My mum and dad split up when i was but a mere 1-year old.

For a variety of reasons which I won't go into here my dad was unable to keep in touch, and so it came to pass that I told my mum I wanted to find him. We agreed that I would wait until I was 16, and then she'd help me.

So, come my 16th birthday I set about finding my dad. It didn't take long, but it was quite strange to find that a 16-year old wannabe guitarist studying computer-related GCSEs found that his 15 year estranged dad was working in London as in IT contractor and had been known to spend the odd evening at the pub with a guitar, playing and singing.

Part 2 of the story is that not very long after I got back in touch my mum and dad met up for a drink and chat about old times, only to find that the spark hadn't died and there was an instant "click" when they saw each other again... they're married* now and made for each other \o/


*getting married btw involved them both getting divorced from their respective partners first; it was a long and rocky journey...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 10:41, 5 replies)

Kitteh Power
Many years ago, i was home from school, but due to extreme phone abuse i was currently not the lucky recipient of a key for the front door. So there i am sat, on the doorstep awaiting the return of a suitable keyholder. It wasn't raining and the view was nice, when out of the corner of my eye i spot a familiar kitteh. It usually wandered past about this time and I would repay its brief company with a bit of a scratch and a fuss. On this day however it stayed at the bottom of the path and wouldnt come any nearer, despite my reassuring whistles and scratching hand gestures.

It would walk round by the bottom house, then peek back round the wall and meow a bit, then watch me, walk away again, come back.....This went on for a good 10 minutes when i decided to walk tound and see what was happening. As i approached the cat was purring and i put my hand down to clap it, when it batted my hand with its claws, not painfully, but a strike none the less. It then ran to the top of some stairs that led to a path to more houses. At the top of the stairs were 2 large Rhodendrum bushes, big enough to play inside and the both had 'gang hut' style specifIcations.

It definitely had my attention now and it moved towards one the bushes, looking back to make sure i was following. Right round the side to where the rudimentary entrance was. By the time i got round there was the kitteh sitting beside a PILE of boxed board games, all looking almost brand new. It was purring and allowed me to stroke it without any violence.

I couldn't believe it. It was like Christmas come early. Amongst the haul was a brand new Electronic Battleships, i was on a high and firmly believed that the friendly kitteh had stumbled upon on these and for some reason wanted to bring them to my attention. it was well weird

Although telling my parents that a cat had led me to this treasure trove was a little bit more difficult.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 10:37, Reply)

As a long time Photo store worker
I found that 99.99% of home-made nudie-rudie pics are eye-wateringly ugly.
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Mon 10 Nov 2008, 10:34, 2 replies)

Teeshirt find
I was browsing through the teeshirts in a local "fashion emporium" and I discovered an item of clothing that didn't fit there.

A bikini top, with spunk in both of the cups.

Which was nice.
( Jim_Davidson has an enormous willy, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 10:04, 2 replies)

I once
found a tranny in the mirror.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 9:51, Reply)

Drunken antics.
I once came home after a night of alcoholic tomfoolery to find a big fat slug sat on a leaf on top of my head. Once the full implications had gotten through to my befuddled brain and I realised that there was something slimy and squishy on my person I ran around the house screaming like the big girl that I am.

That's the last time I wrestle with a lesbian in the park.
( girlinthehole, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 9:31, 2 replies)

Figging
I've found that a butt-plug fashioned from root-ginger can sting in a pleasant kind of way.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 10 Nov 2008, 9:01, 5 replies)

Humpty's Chihuahua Science Discoveries
My journey though miniature canine science started when I inadvertently found that a Chihuahua strapped to the centre of my steering wheel makes an inexpensive (albeit sacrificial) air-bag substitute.

Since that day I have embarked upon the a journey of scientific discovery. Here are some of the tests and associated discoveries.

Bouyancy
The "Dead Sea" is really dense and things float more easily in it.
It came to my attention that water becomes less dense as it warm up... It must do because hotter water takes up more space... right?
So, as I'd got a job-lot of chihuahuas to experiment with, I decided to test my new theory.
Chihuahuas will have more trouble swimming in warmer water than in cold... Turns out I was right: In boiling water they barely manage to swim for 2 seconds. In freezing water they stay afloat for about 15... But it tended to shiver...

Particulate energy transfer
I remembered that I was taught that bombarding things with particles was sure to warm them up.
After taking my chihuahua for a swim in a nearly frozen lake, it needed warming. In an effort to use nature's tools I selected many tiny pebbles to throw at it, but it continued to shiver.
I've now found that only *really* big rocks stop them from shivering. Must be something or other to do with the kinetic energy being larger.

Chihuahua hall of fame
Eager to start my collection, I invested in some equipment and set to work. I wanted to preserve paw-prints, and following a few minor misunderstandings regarding the technique and materials, my Chihuahua now has all 4 paws firmly encased in concrete.
I have tried smashing the concrete with a hammer, but it isn't working.
Question.... If I cut the Dog's feet off, will they grow back? It'd only shorten the dog by about 45mm, and I think that he'd be able to explore under some of the lower furniture in my house a result.

"Hairless Chihuahua"
2 days ago I acidentally set one of my chihuahuas on fire, and found that - without fur - he gets more attention when we go outside.
As I'm an intrinsicly shallow person and only bought this mutt to get attention from others, This hairless effect is one I decided I'd endeavour to keep.
In the knowledge that you use a blowtorch to get hair off dead pigs I found help and have now perfected the technique, but is it really ok to keep a small dog hairless?

"Chihuahua disposal"
Being such a dedicated experimenter, I had amassed a good collection of ex-chihuahuas. after the "chicken thing" that Stusut and I embarked upon once I was weary of disposing of them in the wheely bin... So I had to find an alternative method.
I have found that a 1 meter length of 4" oil-pipe with corresponding threaded cap is the perfect size for a Chihuahua (so long as you duct-tape his legs into an aerodynamic position) After that only a small amount of gunpowder will launch the projectile far enough away from your property to avoid suspicion.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 10 Nov 2008, 8:34, 7 replies)

I found
Osama Bin Laden.

I'll tell you where he is for a couple of million, and my weight each year in high-quality alcohol.
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Mon 10 Nov 2008, 8:28, 1 reply)

karma multiplier
i found a shiny new pound coin on the pavement outside my house on the way to work.
a little further down the road, i encountered a rather elderly, rather distressed lady in slippers who wanted to know where she was, and could she borrow money for a payphone as she'd 'wandered a bit far' i kindly furnished her with a couple of quid, and pointed her to a cafe in the next road that had a payphone and would b e open, so she could get a cup of tea. (it was cold and she looked very lost bless her!) thinking the pound i found would be better passed to her (i earn enough, y'know? old ppl get it rough)

i carry on walking, and lo and behold, lying on a pavement on a busy street near uni accommodation, i find a rather plump and unfeasibly fragrant quarter of finest skunk!

cue a rather [reoccupied day in work with the scent of ganja rising from my jacket pocket, thinking about the impending gargantuan bifter that i was going to roll when i got home, and nervously eyeballing coworkers to see if they were sniffing the air and looking suspiciously at me.

length? two kingsize rizlas and a good hour or two of staring into space.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 8:26, Reply)

I once found someone who had overdosed on my steps.
House I had in Moss Side. I'd like to think I was kind and gentle with them. Poor kid she was fucked. Absolutely out of it on whatever she'd taken. I swore at her and kicked her off the steps. Making my way to work. Still feel a bastard about that, but to be honest, Moss Side is an absolute shithole. The area needs dousing in petrol and a match being chucked at it.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 10 Nov 2008, 7:17, Reply)

Ex Wife
.
A couple of years back I was having a pint with a couple of mates in my local. Also in the pub was my ex-wife with her coven.

So Alex says: "Hey - walking down to the pub tonight I found a tenner in the gutter"

As he said this my ex-wife loomed closer to the bar.

"You want to be careful mate - last thing I found in the gutter I fucking married." I growled

You could have cut the tension with a knife. Ex-wife stormed out of the pub and spent the rest of the night rampaging around the village like a wounded elephant (which, to be fair, she did resemble.)

Sometimes, just sometimes, you get the last word in.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 7:11, 10 replies)

Stuff I've found II
That reminds me. Some years ago I found $300 sticking out of an ATM in Sydney. No receipt with it, so no way of knowing whos it was originally. I still handed it in to the bank.
Pigs arse I did!!
(Firemansam, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 5:33, Reply)

Stuff I've found
Very timely this question. Went spearfishing this afternoon and found a stainless steel boarding ladder on the bottom that had fallen off someones boat. Found them for sale on the net and they're worth $300. Result.
(Firemansam, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 5:29, Reply)

When I was younger, I had a paper route.
It was by no means a fun job. In fact, it damn near permanently damaged my spine, but it had some perks. Free samples galore and enough discount coupons to last the two weeks in which they were valid.

Anyway, one day, while offloading some junk mail into some ones mailbox (labelled ‘No Junk Mail’) I found a Leatherman (multi-tool, for those not aware) lying on the footpath. I immediately scooped up my bounty and ran for home, throwing my papers into a shrub along the way.

It wasn’t until I got home that I learnt that it was both broken and contained something that looked quite a bit like dried blood.

One of the knives was bent so that it wouldn’t be properly used, but aside from that it was working rather well. So, I did what any fourteen year-old would do and kept it. Given the way in which it was in the very middle of the footpath and the rather questionable nature of it, I thought it may have been some sort of murder weapon. So that was nice.

Still have it. I use the pliers quite often to pull hair out of moles.
( Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 5:04, 5 replies)

$20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when i bought my last lego set at the local k-mart i needed about 20 extra dollars, i prayed to god for a long time and it was well worth it, cuz ill be damned that night me and my mom went there she spooted a slightly green spot in the floor, and she turned to me and whispered "hey, is that money?????"
i slowly, and nonchilantly walk over, bend down and stuff it in my pocket, a few minutes later i pulled it back out to check it, and by god in my hand was a 20-fuckin-dollar bill, just enouh to go with my 13 dollars i had saved to buy the lego set i wanted.


SHOOP DA WHOOP!!!!!!!!
woot!
(Destroyer6 http://freewebs.com/shawnproductions, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 4:54, 4 replies)

Best thing I found lately------/\/\/\/\ _/\_/\_/\_ - - - - - -
I was at the plaza a few weeks ago. After coming out of the convenience store I paused to zip up my jacket. On the curb was a $20 bill. I looked around and there was nobody in sight. It was pristine, right out of the bank nextdoor I expect. I looked to my right to see if anyone was around. There, on the curb to my right was another crisp $20 bill. Standing there like an oaf, I peered to and fro for its owner. Not a person in sight. $40....what to do with it...what to do? After thinking long and hard about this free money, I decided. My sewing machine has needed a new top tension and a complete tune-up for at least a year. Sewing by hand has been so time consuming. It would have cost me over $70 but now only $30! It's great having my machine working again. I've repaired everything that was stuffed away in my sewing box. All my extensive mending and altering was done in an afternoon. Thinking about what I can make next. It's not an exciting thing to spend a $40 'win' on but it's practical and has made me sew happy! If I hadn't found that $40 I probably would have left my broken machine in the closet until who-knows-when.
(Imagine if you could open your pair of jeans, shirt, etc. in Photoshop and use the cloning tool to fix them. Hmm.)
(OGH, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 4:17, 1 reply)

I found a copy of the score for 'The Mikado'
On a table outside a café in Soho. it had a BookCrossing sticker in the front of it, which meant it had been left out deliberately for somebody to find.
The groovy thing was, I found it while I was on my way to buy a copy of that same score, as I had recently been cast in a production of the show.
Coincidence? Yes, of course. But what a coincidence! Plus, it saved me a tenner. Woop!
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 3:02, Reply)

After a lengthy drought
i seemed to have found my virginity again before promptly loosing it again 2 years later...
( mr schteven In a staring competition with a squid on, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 2:47, Reply)

I found a Pokedex
...the other week while cleaning out my room. I was never into Pokemon, and I have no idea where it came from. The worst part is it is worth jack s*** on eBay.

Anyone want a Pokedex? (only has 150 Pokemon as it is from before the franchise jumped the shark)
(Interceptor Returns to b3ta after over a YEAR!, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 2:24, 1 reply)

I found Jesus.
He was in the barn, flogging a dead horse.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 2:23, Reply)

I found Morrissey
and Heaven knows I'm miserable now.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 2:19, 1 reply)

The best thing I found...
Was a house for $119,500 US (what is that, like 40 pounds UK at this point?) in the middle of the local housing boom (when houses on average were going for $250,000 on subprime rates) on a 5.9 fixed mortgage.
Oh, it was in shambles, yes indeed, but I have a construction contractor for a brother-in-law.
And just the other day I stumbled on a sale at the local college nursery selling drought-resistant plants. If I'd bought them at a big chain, it would have run me $200. At the place I bought them, they would have ordinarily cost me $120. As it was the last day of the season, I got the lot - 4 young trees, four flowering bushes, two wormwoods, and a lavender bush for $40.00. Just waltzed in to gaze longingly at their greenhouses, like I do, and the nice man at the counter gave me a discount for coming in on the last day and being familiar with desert plants.

Found a coffee table that has been awaiting my staining and sealing skills for four years. A bookcase with a gabled roof that now needs serious repair.

An entire, fully-grown cottonwood that had gotten a fungal infection and had to be cut down. My friend and I rushed to the scene of the landscaping renovation, and when the gentlemen had finished for the day, and had conveniently cut the tree into 18-in or so sections, she and I had yon logs away in our trucks. After investing in a maul and a splitting wedge, I have not run short of firewood since.
(aeon chicken Like the Millenium Falcon, only slower and noisier, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 1:55, 3 replies)