So many signs that I'm rapidly heading towards middle age.
Firstly, I do not understand the music and stylings of Jessie J what so ever. Sure, she is a pretty girl but what the flying sweaty arse biscuits is she wearing half the time? Her music sounds like seals mating against a backdrop of diorreah dropping in to a bucket - yet the young folk seem to love it.
Reality TV is utter drivel on the whole. I'd sooner watch strictly come dancing than x factor any day.
I frequently find myself saying "I wouldn't let a daughter of mine leave the house wearing that".
Sitting down is probably my favourite hobby and I'm appalled at the thought of going out past midnight. I resent clubs as I like to be able to sit down and have a nice conversation.
Men (and I'm really sorry about this one as I know it may offend) who have long hair in to their middle age now irritate the shit out of me.
Going shopping holds no pleasure anymore as I spend my time seething at the rudeness of others - space invaders in particular.
All my mates are now married and having kids.
Text speak makes me tut. The perculiar mock ghetto speak many teens appear to have adopted is excruciating to listen to. I also can't stand watching them pet each other in public.
I get angry about pretty much everything now as a 'tax payer'.
I want to beat to death anyone who plays music out loud on their mobile phones - especially on public transport. Littering, dog fouling and graffiti boils my piss. I enjoy watching the scum doing community payback in the park opposite where I live - gives me immense satisfaction.
I've taken up knitting as a means to relieve stress.
Every birthday I have now i just end up mumbling all day about being another year closer to the sweet release of death.

Just a few things that have made me feel old before my time. Oddly, I quite enjoy the bitterness and misery of it all and can't wait to be a rude old lady who gets away with saying what the hell I like. Honestly, I wouldnt be a teen again for all the tea in China.

Oh, and I now use old lady phrases like 'for all the tea in China''.


Edit: Just also realised that I'm now older than everyone on the sitcom Friends was. They seemed so old and sophisticated to me once.
(The Curse of Millhaven. Pretty little mouth underneath all the foaming, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 17:18, 4 replies)

I haven't posted on here for a while,
but seeing this question has pulled my nose from my maya books and set my fingers tapping. This topic is almost constantly on my mind these days, not so much because I am now a lumbering dinosaur with the mind of a kid but because the days/weeks/years are now flying past at the speed of light.


It's an odd sensation. I'm only 34, but then that means that I was celebrating my 30th birthday four and a half YEARS ago, and not months, which is what it feels like. It was Christmas 20 minutes ago, and I didn't get a single bit of lego.

It feels like if the rate of acceleration keeps increasing, before I know it I'll be dead of old age, and I won't even have gotten used to having to shave. I probably won't have time to finish this book.

Another thing is my memory. I used to have a great memory. I used to go to the flicks, see a film and would be able to recall almost every scene. These days I have to be reminded whether I've seen a film or not. Sometimes if I can't sleep, I try to test myself to see if I can remember what I had for dinner each day for the last week, and it's surprising how often I'll get stuck on yesterday for at least 5 minutes. It was fish and chips, by the way. I remember because I had peas too. I don't remember what I had on monday. Wait.... is this thursday?

I suppose it's a symptom of having a bit of a sedentary life. The big memories stand out and seem as though they were yesterday, but the rest is just mundane mince.

It's also a jarring moment in a young man's life when he realises there is a marked difference between the required legal age and the required moral age of potential ladyfriends.

It's horrible. It wouldn't be so bad if at least the world was getting better as it whizzed past, but it isn't. It's getting more and more shit each time I remember to look. I remember staggering from a pub at the age of 20 and thinking to myself "you know what? I love music. All kinds of music. I love dance music, I love rock music, I love metal music. Every generation hates the next's music, but I literally cannot think of a single direction popular music can go that I won't like." And then what happens? Pop Idol, Fame Academy, X-fucking-factor. After I've finished gasping and tutting, I turn around and expect everyone else to be doing the same only to be astonished to find that no, everyone else on the planet is quite happy with this horrible trend. It's happening with everything. Every single creative outlet humanity has is being reduced to one generic lump of teen-oriented shit, because teenagers haven't seen it all before, they're stupid and they're rich, so they're the most lucrative market. Meanwhile, we're planning ever more sinister ways to stop our old people surviving for very long because the economy can't support them. The whole world is turning into a horrible cross between Hollyoaks and Logan's fucking Run.

In summation, I appear to be a 34 year old pensioner, angrily banging on the window of life, warning youngsters to stay out of my garden. I'll burst that ball if it goes near my petunias.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 17:17, 5 replies)

The other worst thing is
having to pretend to fall asleep in the middle of a shag, because you ran out of vigor.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 17:09, 3 replies)

The worst thing is
when the used to be my friends get together, they have to talk about dead and dying people they barely know.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:55, 1 reply)

Rudyard Kipling-Hell
Not old as such, but a realisation that I'd become older. I can still clearly remember a time stood on a bus with a child jumping around me:

Mother: "Careful, dear, mind that man!"
[thinks]: "What man?"

... looks around ... no man nearby

[thinks]: "Oh, fuck!"

I was nineteen, and, apparently, now a man.
( The Vomiting Hitchhiker Mephistopheles is such a mouthful in Manhattan, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:51, 5 replies)

So i was playing Pokemon
Ruby Version, to be specific, when i realised the title screen read "Copyright 2003" I destinctly remember the birthday when i first got the game and realised. 1. I'm too old to be playing this. 2. I really haven't had many exciting bithday gifts in the last 9 years.
(The_Crund, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:49, 1 reply)

My housemates motorbike
Is old enough to drink in a pub. I still think it looks modern.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:42, 6 replies)

As I get older
And I listen to all my friends talk about their children, I have to bite my lip and not express the opinion that they're boring the pants off me.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:33, 6 replies)

I realised I was getting old...
...the day I found myself eating a bag of Cadbury's Animal Biscuits without pausing first to see what each animal was :(
(costas, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:32, 4 replies)

My boss is 35.
During the obligatory "What did you do at the weekend?" chat a while ago, he told me he'd attended his cousin's 21st birthday party.

"Woohoo!" say I, "Surrounded by 21 year olds!"

"Yeah, but ... " he said reluctantly, "On the other hand, I was surrounded by 21 year olds ... " quoth he, "It was like fucking baby-sitting. I mean - sure - lovely to look at, but ... I spent most of the night chatting to my mum and my auntie ... "
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:31, 1 reply)

With my girlfriend the other weekend
we happened to walk into 'claires' an accessory shop for Teenage girls (my GF was after a bit of tack)

It was then - whilst i was standing by the doors (as most men do at the shops) messing with my phone, I realised the girls in the shop have been born, have grown up, and have left school in the time since i have left school (secondary school).

I also still see the year calendar as i did in school. in my head its a giant circle... Christmas is now opposite and we have the summer holidays coming up to my right.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:30, Reply)

When I realized I can legally date a girl young enough to be my granddaughter
Luckily, teenage girls tend to point and laugh, so there's no danger of embarassing myself with any of them.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:23, 4 replies)

i drive a saab

( zulu eh?, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:18, 15 replies)

I realised last week that I've been working at my current job for 5 1/2 years now, that's pretty worrying
I clearly remember the day my best friend's little brother was born, he turned 10 last month. There are so many really clear memories I have from school, despite leaving 8 years ago.

Now, I'm aware I'm still only a young un compared to many of you lot, but that all still freaks me out somewhat.

In other news, how many of you remember when Big was released? That was 2 weeks after I was born. Feeling old? Gooood.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:18, 1 reply)

You know you're old when. ...
you take Viagra to stop you rolling out of bed in your sleep......
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:14, Reply)

Michael Hutchence died 15 years ago ...
I first saw INXS on the Listen Like Thieves tour. They were fucking amazing. It was 1986.

It's not when the rock idols of your youth die that you feel old. That is, after all, what we expect them to do. It's when you realise that they died a long time ago that you feel old.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:11, Reply)

Back in 2004, I was dabbling with the idea of doing a PGCE.
I'd seen 'Dead Poets Society' and liked the idea of inspiring bright young minds in their quest to learn all about compound vs. simple time, what a minim looks like and how to trap it, and why Father Christmas Goes Down An Escalator Backwards.
I thought I'd get a taste of working with kids before committing myself to a PGCE*, and a friend got me a placement helping out in the music department of a weekend kid's club. There were about 20 kids there, ranging from 5 to 15 years, learning music and pissing around with those blue plastic squeezy clarinets.

One day, I was helping one of the younger ones, and got a couple of past exam papers for Grade 1 Theory for her to go through.
"Look, here's one from 1996; I don't think you've been through this one yet, so let's go through it and see if you can work out the rhythms."
"Ooh! Miss, miss, this exam is cool! It was written the year I was born!"

I was thrown - I knew the kids were young, but I was genuinely shocked at how young. Throwing around for something to say that wouldn't betray my shock, I said "Oh! 1996, eh? I was born earlier than that, in 1982."
"How old does that make you, miss?"
"Well, I was born in 1982, and it is now 2004, so I am 21 and 3/4 years old, small child."
The small child looked at me with huge eyes, and innocently said "Wow! I thought you were at least 30, miss!"

I smiled bravely and held my tears back, but that small child killed my dreams of becoming a teacher. The little bitch.



*Which was a good idea, as it turns out I just don't like children.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:10, 3 replies)

Dubstep.

(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:10, 9 replies)

My 9yo daughter was trying to describe this weird machine she'd seen while on a school museum trip
I eventually worked out that it was a record player. She'd never seen a vinyl record before.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:06, 2 replies)

Trying to have a wank
but my mind keeps drifting off the matter in hand...
(RTFM May your god go with you, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 16:05, 4 replies)

I used to date a woman with a pre-school child
It doesn't seem that long ago, to me. A few years, but still "recently".

I saw the child a couple of months ago. She was wearing a wonderbra, had clearly been on the MDMA all night, and can vote in the next election.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:57, 1 reply)

I used to play a lot of sport.
Now I have moobs and get out of breath walking the dog.
I am determined not to succumb to any kind of mid-life crisis crap like cycling or the gym though.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:54, 2 replies)

My hairline has been receding very slooooowly for years so I can deal with that.
But since this year if I let my stubble grow for more than 2 days it's more white than black.

That fucks me right off as I have to shave most days now otherwise I'm going to start looking like Gandalf before long.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:52, 3 replies)

When music, fashion or whatever comes around for the THIRD time...

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:50, 2 replies)

Hollister
The other week I was in town trying to buy some jeans. Easy enough, Topman, Burtons, H&M or Republic are bound to have some to my liking. Did they bollocks. They were either skin tight (I'm not a porker at all), had pre-ripped holes, things hanging off of them or marks that made it look like someone had used them to wiped away the remains of a gentlemans wrist adventure*. How hard can it be to buy plain ordinary jeans that don't cost a small mortgage these days? Very, apparently.
Someone suggested I try a store that had recently opened in town called Hollister so off I went.

I lasted less than five minutes (as y'mother has probably already told you)

The music was booming over the speakers so much I couldnt hear the music I was listening to on my ipod, the lights were so dark you couldn't see if something was black, dark blue or even clothing so I found myself shouting at some poor sod "I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS A CLOTHES SHOP NOT A DISCOTHEQUE" as I left.

It was on my way home that it struck me, I'm getting old for the following reasons
1 - who the buggering fuck uses the word discotheque anymore?
2 - I had a cardigan and my glasses on
3 - I was looking forward to going home for a good sit down down with a nice cup of tea while listening to radio four.
4 - I couldn't tell you a single son that's been in the charts for the last ten years except maybe Katy Perry and only then that's because of a friends little girl.

What makes it bad is I only turned thirty two five weeks ago.

What makes it worse is that the men in my family never seem to last past the age of fifty two. If that's also the case for me I was officially middle aged six years ago an will pretty much be a pensioner by my families standards in about two years time.


*i got that phrase from someone off here but I'm buggered if I can remember who it was. Sorry about that.
(Official Sarc, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:46, 7 replies)

She was, if I were forced to guess
round twenty-five, or maybe less.
A tiny skirt and clicking heels
as high and shining as ideals.
Her legs were long, and lean, and taut.
I looked at her and sadly thought
"Poor girl. She must be very cold."
Oh God.
I'm old.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:43, 2 replies)

I rarely go out on a Friday night
anymore. Purely because I normally have a tee off time of 7am on a Saturday and my golf is greatly affected when I am hungover. I only took the game up 6 months ago and now I love it. M&S slacks, a light cotton shirt and good quality golf shoes are a must. It's become one of my weekly highlights.

I hate myself for it and for what I have become.
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:35, Reply)

Apparently some cars are old man cars...
No Honda Accords here I'm afraid, though I have caused much amusement to my colleagues and acquaintances, as well as much shame to my wife, by buying an 'old man car'. Thing is, all the old men I've ever seen driving are pottering about in little Ford Fiestas or an occasional clapped out MG Maestro. Fair enough, most of the people I've seen driving the same metal box of failing rust as me tend to be at least middle aged, but it works as a family car and it goes fast if I want it to, and it's comfortable. I refuse to be identified as an old man just because of my choice of vehicle!

Now - the beige slacks and zip up acrylic M&S cardigan on the other hand...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:25, 10 replies)

I'm pushing thirty
And I haven't even started to think about a pension yet. I'm wondering if I should be worried by this. I am glad to say however I don't make the "hnnnff" when I sit down. I haven't learned to drive yet. I only started going to large music festivals last year. I have to wonder if I might be a little immature.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:15, 3 replies)

i can deal with
the hair loss. the tooth decay (ionescu style). the grey chest/ arm/ pubic hair. keeping very fit, so i dont make the 'hnff' sound when i get up. my girlfriend (ten years younger than me) calling my best of trance 98 albums 'old school'

all of that i can deal with

However - the 36 to 48 hour hangovers ABSOLUTELY SUCK

and there doesnt seem to be a damn thing i can do about it. apart from not drink, which defeats the object.
(magictorch, Thu 7 Jun 2012, 15:07, 10 replies)