Earthquake
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery, which was leveled. All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at the same time.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Okay, right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sat 21 Mar 2009, 14:06, Reply)

The Preacher Man of Brixton
So I live in Brixton (SW London for the peeps outside of the Big Smoke) and every morning for as long as I have lived here, outside Brixton tube station in the mornings is The Preacher Man.

You know the type; semi-homeless, nothing better to do than wear a speaker around his neck and bark old (and sometimes new!) Testament drivel into a microphone which gets amplified up and down Brixton High Street.

Some say on cold mornings you can hear it as far up as the Ritzy!

Anyways, one raining wintery morning mid January I am plodding into the tube with hundreds of other Brixtonites on my way to work, vaguely in the background I hear the warblings of the Preacher Man "Let Jesus into your life - he is the ONLY way to salva....FFFUCK!!!", my ears prick up - did I actual hear the Preacher Man utter an obscenity?! I spin round and to my surprise (and great satisfaction) he is completely soaked from where the 109 bus has hit a puddle and sprayed him with a fuck-load of rain water! And this is how I know there is no God, well - no Christian God at least.

Sometimes I like to stand outside the tube station pretending to read a paper and watch him whilst listening to Nine Inch Nails' "Heresy", the lyrics go "God is dead and no-one cares, If there is a hell I'll see you there!" and pretend that he's singing!

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to hell.
(Ow.MyPride Damaging pride since 1983, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 13:08, Reply)

Sex & Religion
I used to enjoy chucking children off cliffs.

Granted, they were attached to a rope, and it was on outward-bounds courses in the Lake District.

But that's all changed now, I lost this job after a rather nasty misunderstanding.

Shame, really. I'd been involved in running outward-bounds courses since I was in my early twenties, it was nice to get away into the fresh air and treat a bunch of kids like your the mental fucker out of the Saw movies. Makes you feel all warm inside.

One time I found myself going away for a weekend with a bunch of teenagers and a few adults from some weird Jesus bashing brigade. It was a little bit like being away for a weekend with the cast of Children of the Corn, they came out with some bizzare God-related bollocks. On the first morning I was asked by several of them if I'd "let Jesus into my life." I changed the subject quickly. I hadn't let Jesus into my life - he's a shifty looking cunt. If I let him into my life he'd probably end up squatting and turn it into a hippy commune.

It was going to be a long weekend.

But I had something else on my mind, I had an alterior motive. One of the other *ahem* professionals was a girl named Mary, she was fucking beautiful in a rough and ready kind of way. I'd been away with her a few times before and had done a bit of low-level boob fondling, but nothing more. I was desperate to bang her kidneys from the inside with my womb raider.

Fast forward to the end of the first day.

The God-botherers are having a lovely sing song round the camp fire, singing to Jesus and God and all his little helpers. I've had enough of this. And so's my mate Rich, who's helping out on the course. We decide to venture off into the night and go and find a pub. I ask Mary if she'd like to tag along and she seems relieved to get away.

The three of us know the Lakes pretty well, so it doesn't take us long to stroll down to the local village, find a pub, and sit down to start the important business of getting a bit pissed.

And after a bit of alcohol lubrication things start going well between Mary and I. Very well. Rich is suddenly as useful as a wheel on a hovercraft. When Mary gets up for a piss I suggest to Rich that he might be getting in the way: "Rich, piss off mate - I think I'm in here." Rich grumbles but after a while agrees to go back to the campsite.

And I'm alone with Mary.

After a few more drinks she's so pissed she probably thinks I'm James Bond. Horay! Time to go...

And on the way back we find a nice quiet, peaceful place to lie down... and we very slowly, very gently move through the gears...

She stops me as I peel off her panties.

"Spanky... I've never... done... it... before..."

Now, this is a bit of a revelation. Shit. I don't like breaking um in. Its just fucking horrible.

Didn't stop me though. After thirty seconds of the most intense love-making Mary had ever experienced, I shot my load. Mission accomplised.

We dressed and went back to the campsite. Mary was acting a bit weird and went off to her tent quickly.

And I found Rich sitting by the dying fire, poking it with a stick, surrounded by weirdos from the God Squad.

Now, I was pissed, remember. And I am also a fucking monumental cunt.

I spread my arms and raised them above my head as if I was celebrating scoring a goal at Wembley, and I shout:

"RICH!" and eveyone round the campfire looks up at me. "I'VE JUST FUCKED THE VIRGIN MARY!!!"



And that's how I lost my job working as an outward-bounds instructor.
( SpankyHanky, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 13:02, 6 replies)

I have no time for any of it...
... it's all just fairy stories for the weak and gullible (sorry, just my opinion).

Mostly I hate it when they try to force their view of the world onto you. For instance, at my brother's funeral, was told that "God is looking after him now". Oh, that's ok then. Guess the omnipotent cunt dropped the ball when my brother was run over then.

But my favourite are the Jehova's Witness'. They are always good for a laugh, but the bit that gets me is that apparently, when The Rapture comes, there is limited space in heaven. If that is the case, why do they go round knocking on doors trying to recruit more JW's..?

(My ex-girlfriend's family were JW. Twisted bunch of fuckers. Don't allow divorce/remarrying. Until one of their congregation does it. Frown upon blood transfusions etc. Until one of their congregation needs it)
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 12:53, 2 replies)

Witness
Jehovah's Witnesses rang my door bell at 10am this morning. They think they are doing good work but actually they just filled my head with very, very, evil thoughts.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 12:42, Reply)

Just thought of another one...
Which I'd better post before I forget.

The Jesus Rap Posse.

Back in the day (some time around GCSEs and A-Levels), me and my friends made a regular visit to Cardiff on weekends.

Apparently some of the best entertainment hangs out in Cardiff city centre outside New Look. Among these were favourites such as Toy Mic Trev (an old man who sings into one of those toy microphones that echo - he has a myspace page and about ten facebook groups!), and a guy we christened Cockney-DreadBot (he did robotic voices and rapped in a cockney voice. And had dreadlocks.)

By far my favourite though, was the Jesus Rap Posse. Probably not their real name, but that's what we called them. They were a group of about 5 or 6 guys, all kitted out in the proper "gangsta" dress, hars and bandanas and tracksuits all, and they stood there and rapped. About how great God is. They were pretty good too.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 11:20, Reply)

Priests.
Catholic priests in particular.

This is not funny in the slightest, and quite long. You've been warned.

My whole family on my mums side is pretty strongly catholic. My step-dad is very strongly not. Obviously this is cause for quite a few conflicts in the house, the most common of which is catholic priests. According to my step-dad, they're all weirdy, dress-wearing paedos. Obviously my mum vainly attempts to convince him otherwise.

One point they can agree on though - in fact, the entire family bar my nan agree on this - is my mums current parish priest. The man is an utter gobshite. Since he became parish priest for my mum & nans parish, (some 10 or more years ago now), he's managed to worm his way into my nans house and pretty much treats her like a housekeeper. My nan is 74 this year, has had two knees and a hip replaced, and has quite bad arthritis. He's hardly ever in his own house, my nan cooks for him almost all the time, and because his heating system is fucked, he's actually moved himself into my nans house in the last month or so. Plus we're pretty sure he's gay and neither of my parents trust him alone with my little brother.

On top of all this, during the masses of snow we had recently (my mum etc live in Wales and quite high up a mountain, so they had a fair six inches of snow), he actually complained at my mum because he had to walk all of the ten minutes from my nans house to Tesco to fetch some bread, milk etc. And then he had the nerve to accuse my mum of not caring enough about her own mother to come down and get her some bread. Bear in mind that at this point my mum had been snowed in for about a week and unable to get to work, my nan lives about 5 miles away, and my mum had been phoning her every day to make sure she was alright. Had there been something wrong, she'd have been down there like a shot, snow or no.

The cherry on the top of all of this, however, is the fact that before he said any of this to my mum (this was after church on the Sunday, by the way, which my mum and my little brother had walked to, being unable to get the car out and whatnot), he had a go at my brother for the same thing, with the added quip of "and why didn't you come and help your nan, hmmm?". Now, my brother is 12. It was snowing pretty damn hard over this week, and there wasn't a single bus to be seen. The only way he'd have gotten there would be to walk, and you can bet that neither my mum nor nan, not to mention my step-dad, would have let him walk there in a near-blizzard.

Bottom line, if all Catholic priests are such cnuts, the world would be a much better place without them.

Apologies for rant, I might post some of my step-dads "wisdom" next. It'll probably involve drugs.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 11:10, Reply)

Religion/Belief

To give a little background:

My family are fairly religious, both my parents and my sister have been confirmed.

As a young child I used to go to Church and Sunday school.

My path to righteousness deviated at the age of 8 some 26yrs ago, when my best friend Hugh died of Encephalitis.

I can't believe that a 'God' would take an 8yr old child from this world, my best friend and all! Why him? Why not some old person, he had so much to give and he was taken away.

His Mum who I still see on occasions has all the faith in the world, goes to Church and teaches at the Sunday School, I don't get how she can forgive? but each to their own I think.

I've talked to my Mum about how she can still believe, My Mum and Dad had two still births and their 3rd child only survived 5 hours, so they decided to adopt my sister and me instead of trying again, yet she has an amazing faith!

I'm sat here with tears in my eyes wondering if I'm missing out on something by not believing in God/someone...

I just don't get it?? but I'm so fucking stubborn that I refuse to believe in something till it's proven!

But where does my lack of belief turn hypocritical?

Well I go to Weddings and funerals and sing along to the Hymns, but my way of of dealing with the hypocrisy is by not saying the obligatory Lords Prayer or Amen at the end of of everything.

So as an Agnostic I'm taking the easy route in life, people can believe in anything they want as long as it doesn't cause suffering and they don't try and throw it down my throat unless they have absolute proof of course.

Sorry for length/rambling... (and spelling/grammatical errors, I failed English!)

Regards
Kip


P.s. Enzyme, you are doing a fucking magic job this week!




(Kip, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 9:43, 2 replies)

Churches eh???

Hmmm... where do I start,

Err, Here.

When my Granddad died 12 years ago it was decided that the six male cousins would carry the coffin into the church on our shoulders (he was a military man so would have wanted that over the trolley on wheels).

I must note that he was a rather large chap, a good 25st if anything.

Anyway, the funeral day came and one of my cousins (Guy) was running late so couldn't be there at the very start so one of the funeral director blokes took his place for the way in, the funeral ceremony started and within two mins Guy had turned up.

At the end of the funeral it was time for the 6 of us to pick up Granddad and pop him back on our shoulders, this is probably not the best time for Guy to let out a large cry of 'FUCK ME' when hoisting him up.

The whole congregation could not believe it and within seconds were stifling sniggers under their breath as I'm sure Granddad would have been too.

So here's to Guy - putting the Fun in Funeral.


(Kip, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 9:14, Reply)

Jesus walks into a motel
puts three nails on the counter and says, 'Hey, can you put me up for the night?'.

The Crow is an excellent film.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 9:06, 1 reply)

So, Jesus walks in to the room for the last supper...............
As he walks in he sees the whole place is festooned with bunting and balloons! Looking round with disbelief in his eyes he spies a table laden with foil trays and bowls of prawn crackers. "Hey, I thought you were all skint!" he exclaimed, "So who bought the chinese?"


"Judas did" came the reply, "He's just come into some money".





/coat/veal/hull etc
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 8:06, Reply)

pants, pants,
wherever you may be
I am the lord of the pants said he
and I'll lead you all
whereever you may be
and I'll lead you all in the pants said he.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 5:05, Reply)

There were protests by Christians
against The Exorcist.

Surely an anti-Christian film would be one where the hero psychiatrist shows that she's just mentally ill?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 1:18, Reply)

Any of you so much as fucking twitch
and I will kill you, and your whole family.

Next week I'll be summarising the New Testament.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 1:10, 1 reply)

Crazy Jesus Woman
If you live in Leeds, and are familiar with Briggate, then you may know who I am talking about.

It is of course, Crazy Jesus Lady (or CJL for short).

I've seen her many times stood outside Gap, with her microphone and bilboard shouting such nonsense as "God is the one to follow, he wants the war in Iraq to stop. If you do too, follow God" (or something to that effect).

Sometimes, however, CJL is joined by God Bothering Man (GBM) and Co.
They even has a double decker bus with "THE JESUS BUS" written down the side once.

Now, there has been many occasions where I get stopped by CJL and Co but I think one of the funniest things was when she stopped me and a friend. A friend who is Sikh.
They gave him a cross and a book and everything!!

But the funniest, by a long shot is when I was with my Sikh friend and we could NOT be arsed with CJL and her possy, and I just walked past and shouted "SATAN IS GREAT IN THE SACK!" and she followed me down Briggate shouting "REPENT YOUR SINS, YOU HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY THE DEVIL! YOU ARE A DEVIL CHILD AND SHALL BE CLENSED BY GOD!"

Oh how we laughed at that!!
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 0:07, Reply)

West Borough Baptist Church
What the fuck is with them?
(limon, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 23:02, 8 replies)

This is the only Faith that is welcome at my house

(teff, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 22:59, 8 replies)

I had a friend called christian...
he converted to islam.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 22:59, Reply)

Apocolypse? Saturday, 0815 apparently.
My first post; please be nice. Hell, be as nasty as you want actually, I'm fairly thick-skinned...

Anyhoo.

It was eight of the a.m. on a clear summer Saturday morning. My flat - from which I was moving - was on the 3rd floor of a block, and I was on my own.

Cue moving all my heavy items one by one to the lift, down the lift, out the door and into the van. Lock van. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.

Right. Relevant bit. Bear in mind it's the wee hours of a Saturday morning. I'm lugging large items out a flat and into a big shiny van.

Whilst moving one particularly heavy box, I am stopped at the communal entrance by 2 very smiley, friendly looking ladies in tweed overcoats and pork pie hats. I kid you not.

And they were armed with pamphlets.

"Excuse me, young lady - do you have a moment?" they ask.

"Erm...not really", I reply, shifting my heavy box from one hip to the other. "I'm kind of busy."

"Well it won't take a minute" the other assures me.

*sigh* "Alright then, hang on"

Pantomime of trying to open heavy van door without putting heavy box somewhere I won't lift it from again. Manage, and turn, heaving and sweating, to the two women. Neither of whom, incidentally, have in any way lifted a finger - or even offered - to help.

"Yes?"

"Well, we'd like to talk to you about the Apocalypse."

Pause.

"...at 0815 in the morning?"

"Oh yes. The apocalypse. [cue random quotations from the bible about how the end of the world is nigh, ad nauseum]."

They explain that only the worthy will enter heaven, yada yada yada. I politely explain that I am in fact entirely unworthy by their book. Puzzled looks. I expand on my explanation by assuring them that I have no hope of salvation because I am in fact a flagrant homosexual. A lesbian. A dyke. And many, many more colourful euphemisms and metaphors. And also entirely unrepentant.

Silence. As though of one thought, they turn away from me without another word. And proceed to ring the doorbell of every flat (about 90 in total) to spread the word of the impending Judgement.

And they still looked puzzled every time someone cursed down the intercom at them, or just plain hung up without a word.

Factoid: sleepy, often hungover people do not like to be woken up at just gone 8am on a weekend to be told that the End Is Nigh. They prefer to be told after a mug of coffee and a bagel.

And someone who you have just proceeded to ignore because your religion tells you to hate them is going to have little sympathy.
(Biscuit Burlesque wants to be Dita von Teas, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 22:29, 2 replies)

Family thing
My Mum got very religious in the months before I was born, apparently, even though it turned out that she was carrying on behind my Dad’s back (well, obviously not my Dad, if you see what I mean).

I guess the religion thing must be hereditary, because I always felt a bit of a vocation myself (and once, when I was little, I even did a vanishing act on my parents, who found me in church behaving as though it was the most natural thing in the world).

Once I got into my 30s, I felt a stronger and stronger pull towards the spiritual side of things. I had a nice job – I’d followed Dad, well, the one who brought me up, that is – into the family business, which was going well, but I just felt there was more to life than this.

Anyway, after a month and a bit of some really serious soul-searching, not to mention temptation, I gave in to the inevitable and now I’m following the spiritual life, and you know what, I love it. It’s almost as though this is what I was put on earth to do.

I’m doing a lot of work with the sick and the mentally ill – you honestly wouldn’t believe some of the stuff I’ve got up to.

But it’s not all doom, gloom and ill people – I’ve got to make some great friends who come from all walks of life, and we know how to party. I mean, the other week we were at a wedding where the wine flowed like water.

Actually, we’re all off on a trip to the big city in a couple of weeks’ time, which I’m really looking forward to.

Mind you, being the superstitious sort, I’m a bit apprehensive that we’ve booked a table for 13 for dinner on the Thursday, although my mate Judas says I’ve got nothing to worry about.

He reckons we're going to have a really good Friday, too.

/hull
(Capo, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 22:19, 4 replies)

Last year
Me and a mate of mine decided to get out of the hustle and bustle of Moscow for a couple of days and head to a quiet town named Suzdal. To get to Suzdal you need to go first to the city of Vladimir. So, as according to the ways of neccessity we did just that. We arrived fairly late and, after finding a hotel, we decided to have a wander around and see what there was to see.

Along the main street there was a church. If anyone here has been to Russia before you'll know that it's not entirely unheard of to find a church at the side of the street. However, this one was intriguing for two reasons. Number one, it was in the middle of a snowy field. Number two, singing could be heard from within. So, my mate and I slide across the field to said church, and curiosity takes the better of us - we decide to have a little goosey gander within. We enter the church and are delighted to discover that there's a service going on. Neither of us are particularly religious, but it is always entertaining to see old Russian guys chanting ancient verse while waving incense around so we stuck around. After a couple of minutes I became aware of several nearby babushkas giving us slightly angry looks. Nonoplussed we were, as we weren't being noisy or taking pictures - we were simply watching. So, I surveyed the scene a little closer. Suddenly, my mate and I realised what was wrong.

The predominant religion in this fine country in which I have chosen to live, is Russian Orthodoxy. Like all religions, there are certain rules that need to be kept when one is in a place of worship. One such rule is to keep the head covered if you are a female.

I had upon entering the church removed my hat, and had for the last several minutes been standing there, blatantly flouting this rule and openly (but, dear readers, unknowingly) disrespecting the Russian Orthodox religion. I now had two options:

1) Realise my mistake, put my hat on, make a totally insincere but apologetic sign of the cross and placate the babushkas,

2) Inexplicably panic, shout out "SHIT!" (for the record, there is a Russian word which is strkingly similar which means almost exactly the same) in the middle of a crowded church before scrambling to put hat on and dropping it in the process before making a hasty exit.

Guess which one I did?
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 22:03, Reply)

Jehovas witnesses
When I was younger I stayed with my Grandad on a saturday and there was a constant string of Jehovas witnesses at the door. My Grandad being [mostly] too polite and loved everyone didn't have the heart to turn them away so he invited them in made them a cup of tea and sat and listened to the same wank everytime. Me being a bored child, sick of these strangers in my Grandads house decided I would never invite these people in when I got older.

When I was about 14 or 15 I was home alone and there was a knocking on the door. I looked out of the window because the only people that come to the front door are sales people and I couldn't be arsed with the whole 'How old are you?' 'Are your parents in?' fiasco and it was pretty routine to just not answer the door if it was a salesman. It wasn't a salesman but it was two old ladies with leaflets. This was my time to shine!!!!
Today was a particularly warm day so I had the window open, but just to make sure they noticed me when I looked out I opened window wider and slammed it shut loudly and sat back down. They walked to the window started tapping on it and waving their leaflets around and smiling nicely.
I wasnt going to fall for their sweet old lady twoddle and I wan't quite so polite as my Grandad so I sat there all casual and cool like and waved back.
They thought I was going to the door so walked back over to it. About a minute later they came back to the window looking a bit puzzled that I was still sat there. So I smiled and pretended to get up and they walked back over to the door. When I was out of sight, I sat back down.
The process happened a couple more times and eventually they went.

I laughed my tits off after they had gone and I think I was more proud than anything in the world at that time because I had managed to keep my cool.
(limon, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 21:16, Reply)

do we have a right to decide who lives and dies?
it appears the courts are on god's side,
but I reckon he has a fight on his hands.

god loves it when a plan comes together.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7956173.stm
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 21:05, 2 replies)

The Bible is a scary scary book
When I was a wee lad, just knee high to a very small thing, I went to a CofE primary school. This meant, obviously, that we sang proper hymns in assembly, said the Lords Prayer every morning, went to church at Easter, Christmas and that other one with the oranges whose name nobody remembers. Anyway, in year 4 (age 8-9 I think), we got a teacher who was fervently religious (as in, quoted scripture at any given moment). She told the class that we should all study the Bible, as it was the only way to get in God's good books.
Now, for most small children, a Goosebumps book is enough to put the willies up you. The Bible is a different thing altogether. Being 8, of course, we didn't actually read the whole sodding thing, we watched cartoons of Bible stories instead. They were all in claymation, and they were all a bit like this but, you know, with Bible stories.
For children with overactive imaginations, watching Lot's wife turning into salt as God nuked Sodom and all its inhabitants is enough to give you nightmares on its own, and that's before we get to the disturbingly graphic representation of Revelations, complete with naked women on three headed dogs above lakes of fire. Moses' plagues were pretty terrible too.
The whole thing gave the impression that God and his pals were just waiting for an excuse to kill you in the most violent possible way with very little provocation. It got to the point that kids just stopped coming in on the days we watched these films. To this day, I have never seen anything even remotely like the cartoons we watched that year (admittedly, I haven't tried that hard), but I still firmly believe that the Bible is the scariest book ever written. Except for Night of The Living Dummy, that one was just terrifying.
(steadfastmeat Laconic ham, perhaps?, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 20:35, 2 replies)

Crazy Jesus Woman
I used to go into Wakefield every Saturday and hang around the cathedral. [for anyone who has ever been past it will know what I mean] There is usually about 200 or so Goths around there and a lot of them I was 'friends' with.

Obviously, the majority of people that aren't/have never been alternative think Goths are Satanists or whatever. This is where Crazy Jesus Lady comes in.

In Wakefield there is also a fair few preachers, Crazy Jesus Lady being one of them. This was her oppertunity to convert these blasted Satanists to her obviously correct religion. She started talking normal old lady shit and didn't say much about God or anything at first. So, she lulled us into thinking she were just a nice old lady, bit weird but harmless. Then she just started babbling about how she was a born-again Christian and speaking in something she called 'snake tongue'. By this point I wasnt interested [and didn't want to be too disrespectful by laughing in her face at some of the bollocks she was coming out with] and walked off, leaving her talking to a few of my friends. The only reason they stayed was because they thought she was funny and could somehow hold in their laughter.

So that was that, we didn't really think anything of it. Until the next Saturday when she was there, waiting for us. Last week it was just a laugh but I think she'd though she could convert us. She came and greeted us and introduced us to her son, another born-again Christian and she babbled on a bit more.

A couple of hours later, most people were intrigued and there were maybe up to 15 people with her at one time, because she was obviously insane and it was funny as fuck watching some woman thinking she was 'down with the kids' or something, chuckling along 'with' us, while we were really laughing AT her. Then, just before we were going home she offered to burn us some really cool 'hip hop' Jesus CD's. We said yes, just to take the piss not thinking she would bring them and that would be the end of her.

The following Saturday we was back in Wakefield and there she was, with her shitty CD's. Before we listened to them, though she insisted we would like them. She then raised her right arm, hand in a fist, and started jumping on the spot, but bare in mind she was about 60 and stood on the top step of around 30 other steps and could have easily fell down and broken all her bones, this just proved how much she thought we would enjoy these CD's so we humoured her and took them.

That's when it got stupid and week after week she wouldnt leave us alone and I don't have much time for people pushing their religions onto me, mental problems or not so made no effort to hide how much she was pissing me off, or how funny I though it all was, told her the CD's were shit and babbled about how much I'm not gonna believe in god no matter what she says, but everyone else was pretty patient with her and went along with her except from Sarah.

So she focused all her attention on me and Sarah.

So there us two were sat on the cathedral wall and she touched Sarah's head. That kinda was crossing the line right there so I was just giving her a bit of a dirty look which I assume she had grown to know well by this point. Then all of a sudden out of no where she grabbed my forehead shoved me back onto the grass and mud and started chanting shit in her fucking 'snake tongue'. Course my legs flew into the air, and kicked her [accidental, of course]. It didn't phase her and she carried on holding my head into the mud and chanting. Fucking crazy bitch, so I went about whacking her hand away. After that she let go. I cursed her couple of times and she informed me I was going to hell and she went. And never came back after that.

I still have no idea what fucking spell or whatever she put on me.

Apologies for length but she didnt fucking apologise for getting my hair dirty!
(limon, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 20:25, Reply)

I have never been to church.
Never! Ha ha ha! I have never, in my life, gone to church. I have never even read one page of The Bible. I don't even know why Jesus was crucified.
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 20:23, 5 replies)

Another God joke! Hooray!
Hi, I don't really have any stories about God, but I have the gift of bad humour. I wish I'd been a member during the puns QOTW. In fact, that was why I registered. Anyway...

A man was hired to paint a house. After the first two sides were finished, he realized he was running out of paint. So he got the paint thinner and added some to water it down. However, the third side looked grey and terrible and there wasn't enough paint left for the fourth wall. So he added even more thinner and kept on going. Finally he was done, but the house looked awful, one side was grey and the other side was blotchy and even greyer. Being a religious man, he raised his arms to the heavens and cried out "Oh God, what shall I do?"
Lightning flashed and a tremendous voice boomed "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"
(mariam67, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 20:22, 4 replies)

Lord's Prayer
Every morning at my Primary school, I would sit, cross-legged and recite:

Our Father (300 kids! My Dad got about a bit, obviously)
Who art in Heaven (or the Embassy Club)
Howard be thy name (I thought it was Des)

at this point I lost interest and became a Buddhist
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 19:55, Reply)

Liam Gallagher dies
and goes to Heaven. St Peter takes him on a tour. He meets all the greats: John Lennon (John tells him "I'm a great fan Liam - I wrote all your albums"), Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, the guy who did 'Monster Mash'...

Finally he comes to a huge throne of marble and gold. There, attended by angels and shrouded in clouds of glory, sits Bono.

"Hang on...I didn't know Bono was dead."

"Oh no, that's God. He just thinks he's Bono."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 19:36, Reply)