Not mine, instead the awesome lyrics to Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen).
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99: Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how...

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

***

I believe that this came from an article in a newspaper originally before Baz Luhrman turned it into a song. Good advice, the lot of it.
( Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:49, 11 replies)

Whilst...
mid afternoon porn researching try to give thought to your desktop wallpaper.

Closing a browser with your hands down your pants, a look of guilt and David Hasselhoff replete in his finest leather garb does not do wonders for your parents concerns of your sexuality. (nor general taste in fwapping material.)
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:49, 1 reply)

I was offered some good advice
but I just didn't take it. Who would've thought it figures? It was ironic, just like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:45, 4 replies)

hot dogs
my brother in law once gave me the following piece of advice: don't eat another hot dog until you've watched How It's Made. well, i watched the episode on how hot dogs are made.
i've never eaten a hot dog since.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:44, 7 replies)

My dear old dad....
"Work at a constant 80%. Never bother doing 100%. People who work at 100% will work great for a short while before they burn themselves out and can't keep going. Those who work at a constant 80% will produce good work all the time and never tire."

Very sound advice which I have taken too far. I now work at about 50% while he, the lier, works at about 400% and tires himself out all the bloody time. However he also plays at 400% by going sailing, motorbiking, kayaking and skiing where as I'm lucky if I get day trip holidays at any point through the year. Aah, the life of a procrastinator!
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:44, Reply)

a bit of a pearost but, courtesy of my brother:
if you fart, sneeze and burp at the same time then you will become immortal.


or explode.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:43, 4 replies)

Never run for a bus or a woman
....you fat fuck, you'll never catch up
(MightyX5 living on a small island on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Always Look a gift horse in the mouth...
You never ever get owt for nowt.

Fact
(frightfullybored, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Dont...
...spend it all on sweets.

Some great advice that I've failed to take.
(jimwon, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:39, Reply)

Never....
try and have a wank when your wife is pretending to be asleep.....
(Shadayim ..............., Thu 20 May 2010, 13:38, 4 replies)

Best advice I've been given
"Do as I say, not as I do, especially when it comes to power tools and sharp objects."

This coming from my dad, before nearly taking a drill to his leg for the umpteenth time. My dad also happens to be one of the top risk managers in the country, and yet fails to do any risk management when he does DIY or any kind of home-improvement. How he has yet to electrocute himself fatally or end his life any other number of ways I have no idea, especially with the advice he dishes out.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:33, Reply)

Never trust a man that
when left alone with a tea cosy, doesn't put it on his head.

Note: The advice is reversed when applied to egg cosies and cocks.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:33, 3 replies)

Never skimp on the quality of your shoes and coat.
True dat!
( girlinthehole, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:30, 4 replies)

i agree with terry pratchett
on the subject of dolphins.
"never trust a species that smiles all the time, the buggers are up to something."
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:25, 8 replies)

Laugh when you're bullied.
You know that saying, "Laugh, and the world laughs with you"? It's true, and it also has the effect of people laughing *with* you, and not *at* you... unless you laugh like a horse with one tonsil detached, of course.

I was bullied through most of my childhood due to having eczema, glasses, red hair, asthma... the whole lot. I had a nervous breakdown when I was 9, and couldn't make it through a day without bursting into tears from someone's comment. A teacher took me aside one day and just told me to laugh. And it works!

It's incredibly difficult at first. If someone's bullying you, if someone's trying to make you look bad, find the humour in the situation. It could be irony, something funny about the way they speak, something they say that's just plain ignorant... but something will be entertaining about it. Focus on that, not on what they're trying to demean you with. And laugh.

Laughter is a simple gesture- we all do it- but it's actually quite difficult to place. People don't know if you are laughing at the joke, at yourself, at them... and it doesn't matter. When you start laughing, you automatically feel better anyway. And with most bullies, laughter isn't the effect that they want anyway. They will go away, or stop bullying you.

It took about three years, but it worked. :-)
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:19, 8 replies)

A good one from my grandma
"People who are fat and grinning are dubious."
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:16, Reply)

Check the top tips
Full of good advices.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 20 May 2010, 13:15, 1 reply)

don't bother posting any answer after Friday!
unless people are in work, in which case they have all the time in the world to read page upon page of responses, they're probably at home and looking for porn, so reading through 18 pages of responses isn't going to appeal... unless you've got your response on page 1 or 2, you're chancing it as to whether anyone actually reads what you put!

however there is the chance that those who spend all day on B3TA (aka the office working population of the UK), then you might actually get some views even though you're relegated to page 8
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:15, 1 reply)

On the subject of factories
Always check the paperwork, and only believe something when you've seen it for yourself.

I used to work in labs in manufacturing, and I KNOW all the stunts I used to pull.

I don't expect my replacements to be any different to myself
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:13, Reply)

"Stop being a cunt!"
Thanks, Mum...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:12, Reply)

I wish I'd listened
Never marry a Barrister. You will never win an arguement for the rest of your married life. When she once said 'I refer you to the comments you made on the 3rd of August...' in the heat of a row, I knew that any response I could ever give would be doomed to fail.

The divorce wasn't that fun either. On the plus side I did used to play zorro with her robes.
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:10, 2 replies)

Wash your hands...
...very, very thoroughly, after chopping chillis. Then wash them again, before even thinking of touching anywhere near your eyes.

Oh, and chaps, wash them three or four times before even considering going for a pee.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:10, 13 replies)

Never play outside!
I learned this great titbit along with other such pearls of wisdom like

never answer a knocking door
never sneeze
anything above a whisper is dangerous

I also found out that there's a lot you can actually do to keep yourself entertained whilst sitting in the loft, I took up writing!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:08, Reply)

A friend of mine
seems to live by the creed "You'd be amazed how quickly someone will agree with you when you have them by the balls." *edit: I do mean he literally grabs people by the balls (mostly when drunk) if that person is being an idiot and asks them to kindy vacate the immediate area to which they quickly agree.*

Another favourite, applied to the same guy for much the same reason it was originally said, "Let the wookie win."
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:08, 1 reply)

For the love of god
Wipe
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:07, Reply)

If you want to read answers to this question
Visit the Top Tips section of this website. There's loads of um there.
(Errin C, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:06, Reply)

Cats
Dont ever tickle your cat with fingers smelling of cat treats. You will regret it.
(Soutiejie Is a happy lady on, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:04, Reply)

Check teh qotw at 1pm and you may end up in the first 3

Edit:

Also,

don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner
(cardiosurgeon ...not a real surgeon since, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:02, 3 replies)

Watch the QOTW closely
and be first for the first time on your bday!
WOO!


(edit)...damn.

(btw 25 today).
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:00, 8 replies)

Woo
Your Mum!
( b3tz, Thu 20 May 2010, 13:00, 1 reply)