My dad:
"Don't forget to wash under your foreskin."

Simple, genuinely helpful advice.
(Coin Operated Boy is reading the new Bravissimo catalogue on, Tue 25 May 2010, 2:15, Reply)

I was once given this eyesore


Now that's gaudy vase for you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 0:52, 2 replies)

If out on the pull,
and you see a couple of pretty ladies, go over and try your luck. However, don't approach the prettiest of the group, go for the second; for several reasons

1. The prettiest girl will expect you to be approaching her and won't make much of an effort thinking she'll get a free drink out of you.

2. The second girl will not be expecting it. At all. You will boost the confidence of someone who has always seen herself as second fiddle. Her gratitude will also make things easier for you.

3. If however, the second girl doesn't bite then the first girl will be more interested as she now thinks she's not automatically the first choice and will want to do something about it.

If all else fails, go home and have a wank.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 May 2010, 0:36, 4 replies)

Health and safety fuckers...
I was building the radio 1 stage at Global Gathering a few years back, and I had climbed 6 feet up the truss to fasten some bolts. The on-site H&S Hitler spotted me climbing above a 'safe' height without full climbing kit, and came over to advise me to use a set of step ladders to gain access to the job instead.

Now I don't know if you have tried to use a pair of steps in the middle of a field, but they're not the most stable thing on muddy grass!

In 7 years of working for some of the bggest bands in the world, I have never fell from a peice of rigging. Cue me falling off the friggin' steps, spraining my wrist, having to take the next week off work, missing The Rolling Stones gig a couple of days later and losing a shed load of cash in earnings!

All H&S staff should be terminated at birth.

If they ever bother you at work, ignore 'em and hit 'em with the biggest hammer in your toolkit when they turn their back..

Worst advice I've ever received, and best advice I can offer.

-Rant over- (for now)
(roadieflip Who nicked the jokes from my lolly sticks?, Tue 25 May 2010, 0:16, 7 replies)

Don't do coke.
Really, don't bother. Its very nice , but just that little bit too moreish...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Mon 24 May 2010, 23:46, 1 reply)

Dope will get you through times of no money
Better than money will get you through times of no dope.

©Fat Freddy of the FFFBs
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Mon 24 May 2010, 23:42, 3 replies)

So says King Drug
When I was in my early twenties I decided it was time to stop pussyfooting around and get down to the serious business of drug use.
Very late one weekday night, after it was in my system but before anything had kicked in, the fella who I looked up to, the one whose number was programmed into my cell under "It's Ok." the better to reassure me when things got scary. That guy leaned in close and with a big smile said, "Remember, it's all about staying on top of knowing what you need."
(Finleigh is as happy as if she had good sense., Mon 24 May 2010, 23:03, 1 reply)

When times are hard...
Needs Must when the Devil drives
(Mr. Fahrenheit Can reach naught to fuck you in 8.36 seconds, Mon 24 May 2010, 23:02, Reply)

On fighting
There is no such thing as fighting dirty. Fighting is dirty. It's unpleasant and it hurts.
With that in mind, if it really hits the fan, don't think twice about hitting them in the nuts, biting, fish hooking, eye gouging, headbutting and doing anything else to get away unhurt.
(ElBastardo, Mon 24 May 2010, 22:41, 1 reply)

Childcare
If your newborn is causing you sleepless nights, there's some really great advice from Gwyneth Paltrow; get a shitload of money and hire servants to do every fucking thing for you.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 24 May 2010, 22:25, Reply)

Never let a drunken friend start a fight.... especially if he only has one good eye
About 10 years ago I was out with a friend. The night had gone well and we where sat outside a kebab house happily chewing away when a couple having a rather vocal argument happened by.
We watched out of the corner of our eyes as the fight got closer and closer, then just as it was about 15 feet away, the kindly gentleman gave the young lady a rather swift and (if i might say so) impressive back hander. My friend then swiftly shot towards the man shouting "Oi you don't do that" Now I don't believe in hitting women but I know better than to get involved in a domestic as no matter which side you take, your always gonna get a slap!
Words where exchanged between the two, my friend got pushed, so he took a swing...... However, he had just had a sliver of metal removed from his eye a few days earlyer and was sporting a rather fetching eye patch.
The patch coupled with the beer meant his swing was a good half foot away from this guys face. My friend turned to me..... looking right in my eyes and muttered the immortal words "oh for fucks sake!" before said gentleman punched him clean in the face knocking him out in one.
I being the good friend I am find myself howling with laughter at the comment he made before going to the land of nod untill I feel a rather sharp pain in my cheek bone where the other half of this lovely couple decided to belt me with her handbag.
They ran off into the distance hand in fucking hand!
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Mon 24 May 2010, 22:21, 1 reply)

Some pieces of wisdom for you...
On swimming in the sea

"Never put yourself in an eco-system in which your not at the top of the food chain"

On trapdoors

"Don't you open that trapdoor, because there's something down there"

On Women

"There's no such thing as an ugly woman, some are just better looking than others'

On pulling

"Go ugly early" - this is a gem, grab a less than stellar example early on, and you'll avoid being left with the real howlers at ten to two!
( evilamnesiac says fuck you Prince, Mon 24 May 2010, 21:26, Reply)

It's easier to get forgiveness
Than permission

This surely has been told already, but there's 18 pages of answers already. Fuck
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Mon 24 May 2010, 21:24, 1 reply)

if in doubt
there are four lights
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Mon 24 May 2010, 21:20, 2 replies)

Overheard in a restaurant
So not mine, but thought it was worth sharing.

"Your granddad told me that there were only 2 things disallowed in this family, morris dancing and incest."
"Let's face it, if you're doing one, the other can't be too far away!"
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Mon 24 May 2010, 21:19, Reply)

From NOFX
Never trust a hippy, they'll sell you bad drugs.
(lolwhites, Mon 24 May 2010, 21:14, Reply)

It doesn't cost too much
To pay extra for a private room in hospital, save for it now, you'll need the rest when the time comes. Otherwise you'll be sharing your life for a week with 5 old guys with various stages of emphasyemia and one chap who ripps out a fart every 5 mins.
(knackerz is skinning up, Mon 24 May 2010, 21:01, 8 replies)

Regarding my taste in love interests:
My friend thought this was appropriate advice when I had ended it with yet another basketcase (this one was a cross-dressing knife-thrower, which funnily enough was the most normal thing about him) and I could not for the life of me work out why psychotic after psychotic kept flocking to me! When confiding in a friend, in a tone as serious as they come I got told:

"Here's an idea; stop cruising outside the loony bin in Mile End picking them up one by one!!!"

I do nothing of the sort, grade A loons are attracted to me from mental wards across the country not just Mile End. What got me raising an eyebrow is that when I laughed I realised her advice was serious! So much for her opinion of me!
(trippeh, Mon 24 May 2010, 20:38, Reply)

I recall once
at about the age of 6 or 7, my slightly inebriated father telling me, "son, watch out for those women, They are just snakes with tits" I didnt really listen, but there have been many moments when it has slipped back into my memory.
( Glovington, Mon 24 May 2010, 20:35, Reply)

My stock advice
Here are a couple of pearls of advice that I find myself giving out often in many different contexts.

• Don't allow yourself to fall into a downward spiral of negativity. Your perception of the world is shaped by your thoughts. If you believe this, you will start thinking more positively and adopt a more positive attitude to life.
• Have faith in your personal goals.
• If you find you're too aggressive or angry (not just physically, but mentally too), take up a martial art to relieve the tension in a positive and controlled way.
• Be yourself. Doing so will ultimately lead you to where you really want to be.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 24 May 2010, 20:18, 5 replies)

A quote from the commentary to Sun Tzu's art of war
"Now the Field of Battle is a land of standing corpses; Those determined to die will live; Those who hope to escape with their lives will die."
-- Wu Chi's commentary to Sun Tzu's art of war

As well as winning battles, this also sums up the secret to success in just about any context - just go for it and take the necessary risks. Even if you fail, you would have still learned some valuable experience and life-lessons in the process.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 24 May 2010, 20:12, 2 replies)

Fighting talk
Was told by someone who had probably done this, if you are ever in a poisition were a fight is inevitable, be chivalrous and say "ok but not here" point at a nearby open space, wait for matey to turn around then jump on them and start swinging like a chimp at a shit catching party.
(cname, Mon 24 May 2010, 19:57, 2 replies)

Never
Take a sleeping pill snd a laxative at the same time
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 24 May 2010, 18:55, Reply)

You can take a horse to water but you can't climb a ladder with a bell in each hand
(Saltheart, Mon 24 May 2010, 18:06, Reply)

My Nana
My Nana is an amazing person, who's had a very shit life. She was born in Latvia, and when she was a teenager she had to move to a refugee camp in Germany to escape the Russian invasion. She never saw any of her family again. When in the camp, she was raped, more than once. She married my Grandad when she was 20, and moved to England, despite not being able to speak the language. He was a violent alcoholic who didn't want kids, and pushed her down the stairs when she was 8 months pregnant, so she lost the child. He stole from anyone around them, and finally died when my mother was 16. His family, to this day, still blame her for his alcoholism and general cock-headedness, and refuse to speak to her, despite her seeing them as her only family for 25 years. She met another guy, who became very ill after they had only been together a short time, and became his carer for the rest of his life. On her 79th birthday last year, I spoke to her about her life, and how she had coped with the hardships she had suffered, and this is what she said to me:

"Well, you just have to get on with it, don't you?"

Legend.

Oh, and may I mention, that at 79, she still climbs the trees in her back garden to get the fruit, and visits her less able friends every day to help them out, and still finds the time to do catering at the Latvian club every week (about 100 people). She also loves a good piss-up with me and my mum, and she's hard as nails (Mr. Anodyne calls her Rambo).

My Nana is awesome.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 24 May 2010, 17:01, 8 replies)

Back in the day I was a stockbroker
whose unethical business practices cost me my job and my trader's license. Unable to find another job, I was forced to move in with my equally self-involved (and completely oblivious) girlfriend, Cindy , an insensitive advice columnist on the cusp of losing her own job due to her poor advice and slow work habits. Finding that the truth behind my moving in has nothing to do with romance, she ran off with another (richer) man. I decide to stay in the apartment and earn a living by doing Cindy's job. I quickly established myself with Cindy's editor, Page, as Cindy's go-fer, collecting Cindy's paychecks and mail and delivering "her" columns. Initially as hopelessly inept as Cindy was in giving advice, I nearly got the column canceled. However, I rapidly grew into the job and the combination of forced introspection, research and the growing knowledge that i was touching other people's lives transformed me. The column became an amazing success. I found my initially superficial attraction to Page growing into love, but I couldn't reveal my feelings while I was a deceptive fraud. Meanwhile, Cindy became aware of "her" growing fame, and the bitch returned to cash in, at the same time that the owner of a rival newspaper chain attempts to force Page to sell "Cindy's" column to me. oooh what a palaver...

sorry :P
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 24 May 2010, 16:57, 5 replies)

Don't trust...
...Jimmy Saville.



Mark my words....
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Mon 24 May 2010, 16:56, 3 replies)

Thanks Dad
The one single piece of advise that my Dad has given me, and has managed to stick in my brain at least, is this:

"Son, always tell a girl that you will be the most fantastic shag she has ever had. Because when she finds out you're not, it's too late anyway"

Not sure if that stuck because it makes sense in a weird way or because of the mental scarring
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Mon 24 May 2010, 15:56, 2 replies)

Take a section on a website
and turn it into a week-long feature. For example, "Bugs and feature requests" and turn it into a feature called "How would you make this website better?" and run it for a 7 days.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 May 2010, 15:46, Reply)

To give her an extra special facial
abstain from masturbating for a good few days. This allows your body to build up a healthy volume of devil's porridge to cough onto her face. Also, make sure you are well hydated.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 May 2010, 15:35, 4 replies)