How To Protect Yourself
So that the computer *won't* give away your secrets.

Right click on the Start Button
Select "Search"
Set to search on your C drive
Enter *.exe as the files to search for.
When it's finished searching press CTRL A and then Enter.

That will give you somenthing to do other than looking at Internet Porn....

Works every time....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:46, Reply)

Pron
A few stories spring to mind (one featuring me).

First, one day, I was bored at work, and viewing porn (as you do). I had got up from my PC to talk to one of the other Techs about something, and a lecturer walked in. He needed to look something up quickly, so I let him use my PC. He typed "http://www" into IE, and Autocomplete helpfully bought up a fairly complete list of all the Pron site's I had visited.

Second, one of my friends was viewing a link she had recieved in an email. It was fairly pornographic. Her Boss (who is anti-porn) walked in, so she tried to close the window. She clicked "Maximise" instead.

Finally, one night I was working late, and one of our security guards had found a way to view porn on the computer in reception. Now, that computer has been configured specifically to view the library's website (so students can seatch for books and stuff), but he had managed to persuade it to view a porn site. The thing is, the system was specifically set up to view the library website, so anything that had nothing to do with that was disabled (menus, Explorer, the Address bar etc). I got a call to say he was having a little trouble with the PC.

I went downstairs, had a look, and found 163 pop ups on screen. All advertising porn. I just told him to click on each one, then press "CTRL" + "F4".
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:44, Reply)

Total Granny
While on-site sorting a pc in a solicitors office, I could hear all the typist girls gasping with shock and giggling away. It wasn't until I saw that they were having a coffee break next to the server. This was a while back when proxy servers were still common. I used to leave the proxy program open on the screen so you could see what site each user is accessing. So imagine me and a group of typist ladies looking at a monitor with

|
-- [big shot solicitor partner] - www.totalgranny.com

flashing up.

Laugh? I nearly shat. (site's gone now tho :( )
(rosstheboss, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:43, Reply)

I have hundreds of these sorts of stories...
When I was about 11 I found porn on my dad's PC. Nothing too outrageous, although I'd never seen anythig like it before so it was a shock

About a week later I found a USB pen drive full of pictures of my mother. Bad, bad memories.

Since then I've been caught out by various family members on the Max Power and FHM websites... I'm only there for the cars ;-)

I knew my brother was gay a long time before he came out, partially due to the 6 gay porn DVDs and the 40GB of pictures and movies on his computer.

About a year ago, my old pc died and I had to use my dad's machine. I think he looked at the site history afterwards, which is why he made a few... embarrasing... jokes that weekend.

Just after christmas I went round to my mate's flat. I knocked on the door and he answered, partially dressed and sweaty. I asked if I could use his PC and was confronted by no less than 40 tabs in mozilla of pre-op transvestites (the slogan was 'chicks with dicks'), some sock fetish thing, and sex with horses.

But I turned out fine.
( sd Oh cumbuns!, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:42, Reply)

Old one but a goody.
Back in the days when you could send .exe's to everybody and the interweb was a big open fun fest there was this great (At the time) gag called Bearded. For those who don't remember, once run it would change your wallpaper to the now infamous lady with her legs apart showing her extrodinarly hairy bush and present the legend "You've been bearded". So of course everybody sent this to everybody else and it got old pretty quick. However, my friend in the US had no idea about this and ran the file. He saw the message and clicked it off but as he ran his Outlook maximised he hadn't realised what the payload had done.

He didn't realise that is until his female boss came to ask him a question and he thought it would be better if he showed her on the screen. You can imagine his face (As I often do) as he minimised his Outlook to be presented with this gigantic muff set as his wallpaper.

When he told me I laughed so hard I think a little bit of wee came out.

_{I might have made the bit about the wee up for effect}
( Smithlick is often seen at the bottom of threads, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:38, Reply)

Back at college...
As at every college/school/uni there is always the one suckup who goes through the years without ever being in trouble. Our kissass, however, made the mistake of leaving the computer lab for a short while leaving himself logged on... Next week he was found crying in the toilets as his parents were making him go to councelling due to the disturbing amount of incest rape he had viewed in the short time he had left the lab the previous week and obviously the head had been in contact with the family- he was never as cocky after that.
(dethsd, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:33, Reply)

Technoignoramous boss
I used to work for guy who knew next to nothing about PCs. He was also a homophobic Nazi. For space reasons I had to use his PC in his office one day. First thing I did? Check the browser history. Oh me, oh my. Of the HUGE list of filth, I think the URL tv69.com is the one that shall stay with me to my grave. I told no-one*.

Remember: always clear your broswer history before allowing disgruntled employees near your computer.

*May not conform to standard definitions of "no-one".
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:31, Reply)

I wasn't the one the computer ratted on, but I digress
I must have been about 14, and I was using my mum's work computer, and for some reason decided to check what bookmarks she had...mostly rather benign stuff until about the middle:

divorce.com
divorce.net
Ask Jeeves: advice on divorce

Yes, that's right, I found out my parents were going to divorce, even before my dad did.

For the next five minutes or so I was understandably shaken up about it, but then I realised I didn't really give a shit so just carried on my day normally.
(Flabbergaster laughs at danger (and breaks all the rules), Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:19, Reply)

not really my computer, but more like the internet
back when i was like 12 or something i had a website that was typical of the sort of thing a 12 year old would have- hideous mind-melting colours and no actual content- mainly about the x-files and how OMG COOL!! it was. sadly during that time i happened to live in iceland and moved back to the uk. when i got to my new school my new friends already knew who i was because they had somehow found this website i had made three years previously and totally forgotten about.

not that bad really, but it seemed bad to my 15 year old self. good thing they were as strange as myself, haha.
(froffee, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:14, Reply)

As an IT tech myself, I tend to know how not to get caught :-)
But I have however found items on other peoples machines I have had in for repair... Its amazing the number of people who don't clear out thier computers when they sell them on, and manys a free avi file or porn stash I have... er.. "borrowed"
There was one Person I know asked me to check thier daughters laptop, and I did find some interesting stuff, and (as they wanted to know) showed them. They were pleased that it was just "normal" search related mild porn, and none of that "wierd stuff" that they thought she was looking at.. What they did not see was the home made video cam of her, in a very compromising position that she had sent to her boyfriend, lucky for me she is 18.. I hope...

anyway, for those of you who wish to remove this evil spy that dropped you in it:

Internet explorer:
1. Go to the "Tools" menu.
2. Select "Internet Options" and the "Content" tab.
3. Within the "Personal information" area, select "AutoComplete."
4. Click on "Clear Forms." You can also un-check the "Forms" box in this window to keep this information from being stored in the future.
5. Click "OK" to exit.

Alternatively, you can delete individual entries from your search history by using the Down arrow key to highlight a previous search, then pressing the Delete key once.

If you are on Firefox, go to:
tools
options
privacy
click the saved forms tab, and untick the "save information I enter" box to turn that off.


Thats £250 please.

(and no, I don't have the 18 year olds home video anymore) ;-)
( TBL I posted this on, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:10, Reply)

Well I used to work in IT support
and the first thing we did on every computer that was brought in was search for *.jpg, *.mpg, *.avi...you get the idea. It's amazing how much less intimidating the MD of a city bank can be when you know all about his big cock fetish.

A better example was when one of our clients' back-up tapes kept failing - we discovered the reason was that the MD had a bangbus subscription and had saved all their movies to his work PC. One of the senior engineers had to have a quiet word to let him know that the back-up tapes would work if they didn't have to back up 60Gb of porn movies each time.

More recently, I've been asked to look at a friend's PC that's been having some difficulties. He said he would take it to a regular shop but he didn't think they would understand his need for 20Gbs of gay porn and would probably call the police.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:09, Reply)

Bluetooth DONGLE
I work at a computer company in the workshop. There is only one working PC in there and it's mine! but if anyone else in the workshop they'll just start using it for whatever.
I had recently installed a bluetooth dongle on it and had it all paired up with my mobile, cool.
One day I was away from the computer at the work bench and a collegue was using my computer. He was strangly quiet for a few minutes and then started to giggle like a girl, which got louder and louder and turnned into a full on laugh. I was like 'what the fuck are you doing?' walking over to the computer to see him copying the entire contents of my phone which was in my pocket onto the computer.
Now lets just say there are some pictures of me and the girlfriend in there practicing some extra curicular activites. My phone wouldn't let the bluetooth be turnned off as it was in use so I had to run out the fucking building to break the signal.
What a CUNT! Needless to say I keep the bluetooth turnned off now.
(rosstheboss, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:07, Reply)

I went to help format a friend's PC,
after it was formatted. And despite me hammering it into him that "you will lose anything we haven't backed up"; he comes up with "oops, my Mum's wedding photographs were on there".

However, as it was a fresh format, I knew a recovery app would probably get them back. I told him not to do anything on him (I had visions of him creating a 40gb bitmap in paint and wiping all the magical magnetic data).

I return with some file-rescue app and load it up. Magically we can choose to only recover pictures! I think you now know where this is going.

End result was me having to sit next to my friend for a good hour whilst porn picture after porn picture (and some were quite worrying) flashed up, with a 3 second or so pause in which I could look even more horrified and my friend could make up a whole new excuse for it's being there.
( stevierar, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:00, Reply)

During my PhD research
I had to use some molecular dynamics software. The package is called AMBER. However some of the names of the applications within the package leave a lot to be desired. The energy analysis package is called anal and the coordinate analysis package is called carnal. Being complicated beasts to use, I had to do a google search for examples and help on the use of these applications. In hindsight, searching google using the words "Amber", "Carnal" and "Anal" was probably not the best choice. My supervisor, who is also the head of the department, decided to walk into the lab to see how things were going and looked at my screen just as google proudly presented the immensely biological results of my search. Hmmm
(Cousin It, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:57, Reply)

My computer
is yet (to my knowledge) to reveal any of my secrets to anyone. Oddly enough, my secrets are all very tame BUT I dread to think what my history might hold simply due to a few years of surfing source images for b3ta...
( Ratsta, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:56, Reply)

Dirty bastards - digital cameras aren't all good
Working for an IT Company I have seen more than my fair share of porn. The worst I ever found was a customer's own 'artistic' homemade collection.
Now when I saw this couple was ugly it is an understatement but in their favour they were well matched. The worst part of seeing her shoving a pink dildo up herself, getting fucked and sucking on hubby's slightly below average sized dick was when they came in to pick it up. I actually had to talk to them face-to-face. I didn't know if I was going to turn red from embarasment or throw up because of the image in my head.
Ahh that'll teach me. Dirty cunts.
(rosstheboss, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:54, Reply)

Me being clumsy...
My girlfriend found my porn on my computer (well... one of the stashes anyway). However she found the bigger, better stash. Bugger. She got paranoid, so to convince her I loved her so (dumbass), I deleted it in front of her. All 15 gigs of it... Needless to say I didnt have backups, and lost my favourite fwap-stash. Fucksocks.
She also wasnt happy when she stumbled across the forgotten-about folder full of pictures of my ex-girlfriend's (large, gorgeous, lay-your-head-between-them-and-fall-asleep-forever) boobies. Eeep. I told her I deleted them... I really just burned them to a CD. *fwap*
(Black_Dwarf frawD_kcalB, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:50, Reply)

not a lot of people know this but:
if you run a standard xp/nt/2000 network at work, chances are your sysadmin has left a few services running he/she shouldn't.

try clicking on Start then Run and type
CMD
now i know you've got a scary black window up
but bear with me, You know what your username is, chances are you also know what the username of the office cock is. you might like to type

MSG officecock "Finished Copying C:\GAYPORN to Server01"

And then press enter when you see the boss standing beside his computer. be aware it does state your username in the top but mostly they are too intent on clicking away the box.

at my last company they had to get a contractor in to switch this off because people started using it as an impromptu irc/chat client within the office.
( KittyWaste lives at Sleepingplanet.com, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:45, Reply)

Computer Bastard
Living with six other lads at university, pratical jokes are common place. One of my favourites WAS to download gay porn and save it on my friends computer saving large stonking erections as there wallpaper and screensavers. When my laptop starting slowing down and getting viruses I got a mate who was a computer whizz to have a look. Imagine the effort i had to put in to convince them i was not downloading gay porn for myself. And before anyone says, it honestly was for other peoples benefit not mine!! I now avoid such pranks and instead hide their drugs for hours at a time!!
(lankynyack, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:38, Reply)

Oopsy
Now,i know he's gonna read this,so damn you all for subjecting me to much teasing by my boyfriend.

He's much better on computers than me,so he managed to find my files id downloaded,including porn. I hid upstairs in embaressment as he shouted up "dont worry,i dont care that you like wee porn!"

He had also seen some of the weird shit id downloaded out of interest. I mean,who isnt curious about how one would go about fucking a horse!

I thew a big boot at him.
(Miharu, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:36, Reply)

Not my good self but...
... my uber-respectable, pillar of the community, staunch Christian father-in-law. Round the in-laws one day recently, he's swearing (mildly) at his elderly laptop and complaining how slowly it's running. I offer to take a look, suddenly he clams up and says that it isn't too bad really, etc.

"Nonsense, I'm sure I can help" quoth I and grabs it... Never, never have I seen a machine so utterly crammed with the telltale signs of a serious pr0n addiction. Trojans and viruses by the score, desktop, start menu and favourite links to porn obviously added involuntarily by clever little filthmongering websites, IE homepage hijacked to an 'adult' search engine, and three separate premium-rate dialer scam things.

Moral of the story - don't get hooked on interweb pr0n if you don't even have the computer skills to clear your IE history, delete shortcuts or run a virus check.

On reflection, the worst thing was how many of the sites seemed to have an incest theme...
(testmeuk, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:26, Reply)

i was once doing a picture (in PSP5 of all things)
...it wasn't going well and anoyed me so much i saved it as 'Fuckanal.psp'

there was nothing 'Fuckanal' about the actual picture, but when showing my computer illiterate mother something unrelated the file and its heinous name was in view on the screen.

i felt a hot flush and as quickly as possible closed the offending window.

i have no idea if she read it. and i'll never ask her either.

but what must she think of me if she did?
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Thanks to auto-complete...
...my Dad now knows that I like girls to wee on me.
(Mr Eraserhead Why aren't you a lemon?, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:22, Reply)

I am not a Nazi!
I wanted to find a picture of Hitler to mess with at work.

My boss came over to discuss some work, I minimised everything but for some reason due to a delayed opening an explorer window was left open the middle of the screen with:

WEBSENSE : BLOCKED

CATAGORY : RACE HATE

My boss was not impressed.
(Minty Hit, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:19, Reply)

Company secrets
In my previous (small) company, they fired the IT guy essentially because they were tight fisted.

The first result of the director's inept management of the IT systems was the deletion of the permissioning for the HR folders. Which led to me finding a spreadsheet listing everyone's wages.

The spreadsheet basically showed that whilst the directors were pleading poverty, their salaries had actually been increasing over the previous year whilst everyone else had been denied payrises due to "the slow nature of the market". Bastards.

I left shortly after. But not before spreading the information around a bit to cause some havoc.
(breakfastwithjam, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:18, Reply)

Work computers - huh!
We all have to be quite careful at work at the moment, as someone got kicked out late last year.
His crime? The security team noticed he'd been seaching for such basic terms as "Hacking into servers", "Cracking passwords" and most tellingly of all "Computer Fraud law".
What a twat, at least use your home PC - not to mention the fact that if you need to seach in google for these terms, you're not going to be good enough.

Mind you, I am typing this on a work pc.
(RIP Lord_Anubis)
(grr_boy, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:16, Reply)

Only slightly dodgy
Autocomplete on Google Image Search allowed a few of us to find out that our friend had an "outdoor sex" fetish. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

No-one else gets to use my computer, so I'm not getting caught by autocomplete. No-one will ever know what I search for... and this is probably for the best.
( Aardvark and so at last, I understood, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:16, Reply)

Curses!
I made the mistake of shooting up whilst sitting in front of my computer. The next day it went down to the police station and grassed me up.

The bastard.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:12, Reply)

My brother
After my brother had been using the computer one day i went on it.

Imagine my horror when i see 'Hunks' and 'men' in the auto-complete box.

I'm not so convinced now that he was just interested in seeing what in-shape men look like, unlike him.
(androoh, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:11, Reply)

First post- woo!!
Yeay

got no story tho yet :(

EDIT: Altho- it may have done but i dont know- and have never asked- i had the obligatory stash of porn- some normal- some 'for interest', but one day i went to turn it on and it wouldn't boot up- arse!

My mates good with comps s i had no choice to ask him to fix it- was not goin to take it in for all you computer whizzkids to laff/call the police etc- i do have my stash somewhat 'hidden' in 'dummy' files but being a computer ignoramus its not that well hidden and seen as i'd been looking at it the last time i used it- it may well have lurked in the documetns bit of the menu etc etc

So he may well have seen it- as i sed- didnt want to know!
(Keyser Soze, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 11:10, Reply)