My chat up line was.. "Lydia...Thats a beautiful name". *way to go dickhead, you could have said anything..and you fucked it up with that* slaps forehead.
I've been singing in a band for over 10 years now, and we had a gig in the beer garden of our local pub - a fund raiser for charridy.. so we decided to forgo our usual fee in exchange for copious amounts of beer!

The place was so packed, there wasn't even standing room left, and despite all being shitfaced, we played a storming set and had everyone dancing and cheering for More!

Bizarrely, I decided to tell the audience over the mic that I was single..which got a laugh, but strangely it worked, and lots of girls came up after asking to "buy a cd" oh and drop in the fact that they were single too !

But none of them really did it for me, until this one gorgeous brunette came up to me for a cd.. I was speechless.. and kind of just stared into her beautiful green eyes with my mouth slightly open.

She had 'the' most beautiful smile I had ever seen, and I swear I could feel myself blushing! No, that was just the alcohol I told myself..

She wanted a CD, so I gave her one and asked "What's your name"?

"Lydia" she replied.

*say something..anything, quickly before she walks away*!!!

"That's a beautiful name" I said.

(SPANG SPANG SPANG FUCKING SPANG, WHAT A FUCKING RETARD!! YOU COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING..BUT NO..WELL YOU CAN KISS THAT ONE GOODBYE..FUCKING IDIOT).

She smiled and said thank you and sat back down with her sister.

After I had repeatedly flushed my head down the toilet with shame, I decided to talk to her again..We sat chatting for ages..and then when she told me she was single too, I stood up with both fists in the air and shouted "YES" !
..then realised..that wasn't in my head.

She laughed again.

1 year later and I proposed on bended knee in the middle of the pitch at West Bromwich Albion 29th December in front of 25,000 people. (It made front page news on 2 local papers). And we got married july 20th this year.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Fri 29 Aug 2008, 9:38, 3 replies)

Total pleb
Somebody I know (but don't particularly like) had never ever asked a girl out until one particular night.
He must have been warped up because he had summoned up the courage to approach a girl.
"Excuse me, can I get you a drink?" was his opening line.
"No thanks, I'm not interested." came the reply.
"Hmmmm I suppose a fuck is out of the question then?" was his desperate response to that.
He delivered the line with all the seriousness of cancer and in no way was he joking.
He is going to be a rapist one day I'm sure of it.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 9:30, 2 replies)

Take her to a festival....
Went to Download festival 2005 with the ex of an old work colleague.

Cue a weekend filled with as much childish innuendo as you can imagine, then she had a "tiff" with her mate she was tent sharing with and ended up in mine doing the nasty all night.

Felt kinda bad, I was engaged at the time to someone else. Funny though, 3 years later we've ended up together and are very happy.
(batmowes Internet Dating Superstud, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 9:18, Reply)

A meat market club in watford circa 1991
It was the night before my 21st and my mate who i worked with had started early doors, by the time we got in the club at about 9.30pm he was already slurring, swaying and intermittently spoiling for a fight or trying to pull. He approached a pair of strumpets, one as drunken and shambling as himself and announced "Here, my mate's 21 tomorrow and he's sat all on his own - come and give him a kiss". The sober one, wanting to get her friend somewhere to sit came over and we got chatting. We spent the whole night chatting, with some snogging.

My friend sat with us at one point and fell off his chair, kicking a table and lamp over. Her friend passed out, and it was only when we noticed a rare smell that we spotted she was sleeping in a blanket of her own vomit. That was over 17 years ago, we've been married for over 15. We had a rough time and nearly split up in the summer of 2000, I'd changed jobs and lost contact with my friend. I found out through another friend the following year he'd killed himself that summer.

Gawd bless yer richard, you were a terrible drunk, a good friend, and most importantly, you found me my soul-mate.

RIP Richard Hughes
( sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 8:55, 3 replies)

Horrible thing I did
I was in Argos, this was many a year ago (back at uni) and when I picked up whatever tat it was that I bought, I chatted up a girl - whose name has long been forgotten in the mists of time...

Anyway, I managed to persuade her to come out with me on a night out with my mum and her friends - a dinner get-together if you will. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten that I'd invited my friend Phil out with me that same evening so he agrees to tag along.

Ok, this is no longer a date, but I reckon I can make this work.

Dammit - no I can't - Phil's good looking, charming and a damned nice fellow and she's more into him. Crap.

Some drink later.

She's more into Phil than me so I play the underhanded friend card:

"Phil, so how's xxxx and her daughter that you're seeing"

She goes cool on his, Phil is annoyed at me and she's no longer interested in me and leaves not long after.

No second date then?

Um. No...

The worst part of this is that I did a not dissimilar thing to him a few years later.

We're no longer friends.

(Sorry Phil!)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 8:47, Reply)

Ahem
who would've thought, I can use the same hugely long story for 3 different questions

Warning, Epic Repost Ahead!

I had been seeing my ex for two and a half years. Both of us happy and in love for most of the time, albeit I was stoned at least half of it. We had been living together before we got together at uni, and continued to do so throughout the whole of our relationship. this never caused any troubles. We shared the same group of friends, a very close group, and everyone got on amazingly well. (and smoked a lot of dope)

it happened that on my course there was a girl who I had liked from pretty much the moment I met her (before I met my ex), she was attached at the time unfortunately, and I was a long-haired overweight metaller. not a good basis for a relationship. This girl and I became good friends to the extent of sitting together in pretty much every lecture we had for 4 years; we had an arrangement whereby she informed of what work I needed to do and by when, and I checked hers for spelling and grammar. This worked beautifully for both of us. There was never any thought of a relationship between us until towards the end of our final year at uni we had a field trip to Barcelona, and it became apparent to each of us seperately (when incredibly drunk) that after another month or so that we might not see each other again. (I was no longer a long-haired overweight metaller)

Nothing happened on this trip save for a couple of hours holding hands (possibly some of the happiest hours of my life, and I was unbelievably, rip-roaringly drunk. Three sheets to the wind. Nissed as a pewt. etc.)

On return from Barcelona we parted, with some thinking to be done.

At this point I had decided that my future with the (now ex) girlfriend was not going to be to my liking. Frankly she was becoming a little annoying. Coupled with this, on a night out with some coursemates, the new girl and I again ended up holding hands and repaired back to hers for a talk (and talk we did). we also shared the best first kiss one could imagine.

I walked home on cloud 9, although with every step closer to my house it was coming home to me that I'd have to split up with my (then current) gf, who I lived with, shared a group of friends with, and who was in the middle of writing her dissertation and would shortly have her finals...

this left me in a dilemma. my nature wouldn't let me break things off with her due to the things mentioned above, and clearly I couldn't continue the way things had been. I wanted to be with the new girl. I broke the news to the current gf that I wasn't sure if I loved her anymore, and needed some time to think about it. This led to me jetting off to Swansea for a few days to visit my mate at uni there and going on a massive bender (I think). A few days later I returned to work on my dissertation etc. to find that my gf had gone to home to work on hers thus leaving me in relative peace.

Now, at this stage I didn't know who knew what out of my friends, so I resolved to keep as much to myself as I could. Spending all day in the library or computer room revising and writing my dissertation and coming home in the evening to lock myself in my room, smoke fags (had given up pot for the duration of this) and chat with the new girl on msn. Some afternoons were spent in the arms of the new girl, never going that far, but far enough to make me feel somewhat guilty about my double life.

This went on for some time as exams were dealt with and dissertations finished.

One day I was at home and my old gf had been shopping in town. I had finally insisted to myself that today was the day I had to break up with her, regardless of how hard it would be. I see her arrive by taxi via the gift of my window, and basically run upstairs, bursting into my room.

Her bag and contents including phone, wallet etc. had been stolen while trying on shoes

(a lesson here for you girls)

Naturally I tried to comfort her. While I didn't want to be with her anymore, I still cared for her very much, and respected her as well. Unfortunately she detected "something wrong with my hug" and decided that I did indeed not love her anymore.

This led to the breakup where I uttered all the cliches (It's not you, it's me etc.)

The part I felt guilty about (and did up until I heard that our friends had found out the truth some time later and informed me that I did the right thing) is this:

She repeatedly and insistently, whilst staring at me, asked if there was someone else. I went through a massive debate in my head in a split second, looked her in the eye and said a clear, firm "No". This was repeated several times with her asking "why don't I believe you?"

Eventually this passed, there was some awkwardness, and I once again, drove to Swansea for an almighty 3 day bender in relief and celebration.

I've seen her once or twice since then, and things were awkward (what can I say, I'm awesome, I affect people) but now things are all good, she's happy, and the new girl is the current Mrs Vipros of 4 years and counting. we have bought our second place together and are doing it up.

I'm certain I did the right thing. and the few people who I've told or who know the story have backed me up on that, so I feel vindicated.

The moral of this story is that while honesty is the best policy, a lie if delivered effectively and with conviction can save someone you care about a lot of heartache.

and save you from a whole load more explaining!!!

if I've blurred any details, and you are dying to know more then message me and I'll try and clear things up.

that is all
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 8:15, 4 replies)

Bindun?
does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 8:13, 5 replies)

I can't remember her name...
which is bad of me because I remember everyone else.

I'd just come out of a really bad starter marriage, and had been single-ish for about 3 years. When I finally met this girl from the village close by. She was tall, strikingly pretty, and liked a good laugh. We got on great, like I had known her for years.

It all sounds rosey, but she had just split from her long-time-wastrel-boyfriend (who I knew, but not well).

Anyway, Friday neet comes along and I think this girl needs some special treatment. So I arrange one of my special dinners out. At the time there was two Italian restaurants I used to use, one to impress and one that was so good it was guaranteed to bowl them over.

We went out, had a great time. I blew almost 150 briton's pounds on a wonderful dinner - the Amarone Reserve at 30-a-bottle was superb.

At this point, my intentions are less than honourable. I consider doing her in the toilets, but decide better to take her home.

We go back to mine, and we don't waste much time and head upwards. She has this wonderful navy blue underwear ensemble going on, she smells fantastic, and she's lay in my bed with her fingers in her hair.

Then the slope gets slippery.

It's Dolmio Week. Ok, that happens - I could go for the wrong-un, but no... I know there are other ways to impress and be impressed. So we get sweaty, and it all feels perfect.

I lean over her and say softly "This is perfect. I don't want it to end. We should go out properly". "Sure" says she, "wey hey" thinks I.

We lie back... smoke another Benson and Hedges for smoky room effect, and drift off into a wonderful spoony sleep.

Following day, she goes back to her hobo boyfriend, watching him drink black-cans.

I often wondered how long I could have had my head betwixt her legs if I hadn't said what I said.

Ah well, that was 15 years ago. I saw her recently. She looks like shit.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 7:38, 1 reply)

Arranged marriage?
I had just gone back to live at Mum's for a while whilst I started a new job. The first night I came home, there was a handsome curly haired gorgeous sitting on Mum's sofa. He was a work clleague of Dad's and we got onto the subject of buying somewhere to live. Having known this man for all of two hours I said "Shall we buy a house together?" he said yes. We did. The end. Or the beginning.
/length - 20 years this November
( seeballs Doo da da doo da da doo da da doo, da da doo da do, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 7:28, 2 replies)

well.
she asked me if i wanted to see the latest Star Wars, we got into a discussion about X-Wing Fighters, it lasted two years.
the next girl didn't like Star Wars. it lasted two months.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 6:48, 2 replies)

Summer lovin'
Me and my missus met at leeds festival 2001, although we initially hit it off she managed to get a rat on with me for reasons I've never fully got to the bottom of and we parted on less than agreeable terms.

Out of the blue about 3 weeks later I got a call from her asking if she could come down South and stay the weekend. After a year and a half of commuting 300 miles and a lot of living in sin we're now just getting the wedding sorted.

I had it confirmed after hearing that her initial impression of me was "Fat, over confident bastard who's too cocky by half" ....... Good judge of character as well.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 6:11, Reply)

My best chatting up line EVER.
"You've a lovely smile. You should use it more often." Alongsides a lot of booze this works very well.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 29 Aug 2008, 5:23, Reply)

"Please step out of the car Mr Citadel..."
I was driving to the local high school to get a run in. It was just slightly past dusk and I left the house in my running gear: sweat pants, sweatshirt and a baseball cap, sporting a brand new pair of New Balance running shoes. (When I say brand new, I mean I bought them THAT day!)

So I am driving my Father's pick up because I was moving furniture from one Sister's house to another and I had mine in the shop having some work done. So I am sat at a traffic light and I notice 5-0 (that's hood speak for the Police...erm...Rozzers) pulls up behind me. No big deal.

As the light turns green and I pull through, the lights on the squad car light up like a Christmas tree! "Brilliant" I thought, "Did I accelerate too quickly or someat?!"

So I pull off the road into a parking lot for a local business. Keeping in mind, I am literally less than half a mile from my house. So this rather attractive female police officer comes up to the drivers window and asks to see my drivers license and registration. I produce said documents, asking "And why did you pull me over?" She said because the vehicle license had been suspended because the owner hadnt had the vehicle tested for emissions.

Brilliant. I mention "It's my Father's truck. I was moving furniture for a Sister, so it's not MY fault."

She smiles, waves my license and says "No problem Mr. Citadel, I am only going to give you a warning anyway."

As I sat there, I thought: "That look/smile she gave me was kind of nice...hmmm"

What seems like an eternity goes by and she comes back to the window and asks "Mr. Citadel, can you please turn the vehicle off?" I complied, a quizzical look coming over my face. She then asked "Mr. Citadel, can you please step out of the car?" I ask why and she says "Your drivers license has been expired for THREE YEARS!" (the caps are MY emphasis, she was actually pretty relaxed)

So I get out and she places two matching stainless steel bracelets on my wrists...apparently they connect them with a short chain so it's hard to lose one thereby reducing the pairs value.

She asks just before she walks me to the car to 'take me in' if I want my phone which is sat on my dashboard. I said "Yes please."

She slips the phone into my pocket and off we go. So, being the chatty type I am, I start chatting her up, not realizing that when she put the phone in my pocket, it dialed the last number I had called which happened to be my Brother. The entire ride to the station was recorded.

After being printed and sat in a cell for about 3 hours, they release me. I go home, crawl into bed and go to sleep. The next morning my Brother calls and asks: "Dude? You were arrested last night, weren't you?" I confirmed his information and he said "Bro, were you hitting on the cop?!"

I said "Yes, I believe I was."

She called me a week later asking if I wanted to go grab a beer. A rather fetching female COP asking me if I want to go get a beer a week after she arrested me! Brilliant.

Cheers,

Apologies for the length!

PS*(In the end, the whole thing was due to a stupid ticket I got on a military base in 2005 and I was able to straighten it out without having to spend any more time in jail and had it cleared from my record! Ooooh Rah!)
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 5:02, 4 replies)

Online
Well, there are two stories. The made up one about how we met in South Korea 12 years ago, and I tracked her down when I returned to the country and we started dating.

The reality is we just met on an online dating site. I was new in South Korea and knew I didn't have much chance of landing a serious relationship. Basically, there are a limited number of ways to meet girls in this country.

1) Booking clubs - you go with friends and sit in a room. A waiter will go and grab female patrons of the club (never prostitutes, despite what it sounds like), and drag them over. They are literally forced to go, but they may leave as soon as they've been introduced. You then must buy them expensive drinks, and repeat this process all evening.

2) Sleazy pick-up bars with bad music, where you're likely to get a veritable Noah's Ark of STDs. Generally, Korean girls who have White Fever are skanks who've slept all around the expat community.

3) Getting fixed up by someone. Not a good idea, considering most of the offers came from my very Christian boss. Did I mention that this is an extremely Christian country? About half the population are Christians, and they're almost all bad Christians who will try to convert you, tell you you're going to Hell, and you should really come to their church and donate money. And almost everyone is Confucianist, which in combination with Christianity really makes for a lousy time.

4) Punk scene girls. I immediately got in close with the South Korean punk scene, which was good because most of these kids are very much unlike other Koreans. I took a liking to one girl, who was the drummer of a very good band (think Toy Dolls with bad English). We went out, and she took me back to her place. There, she told me to turn around while she changed. I decided against making a move then, which many have told me was the wrong choice. Then she gave me a gift: a pack of dried seaweed. What do you say to that? After I'd failed to make a bold move, we went to an Internet cafe, where she logged into World of Warcraft and zoned me out.

I met some of my male Korean friends, and I told one guy I was interested in her, asking him if she had a boyfriend. His answer: "Yeah: me." That was not a good night.

5) Online dating. Okay, so I registered a profile on a number of sites, going as far as I could with each one without actually paying money. By the way, an interesting tip I discovered somehow, on many dating sites, if you register a female account, you may then preview as many personal ads as you want, which means you don't have to pay to look at girls' ads. Then you can just log back into your male account and message them. Do not make a mistake with this though.

Most of the Korean girls on these sites seemed to be looking for friends to practice English, and penpals. I figured out right away not to go for the hard sell.

The female profiles were all pretty well the same, so I sent out a bunch of messages and got a few replies back. One girl in the town I was in agreed to meet me. Her profile photo was a blurry, dark, unflattering headshot. Fortunately, when we met in person, she was much better looking than I'd thought possible. We went out a few times, with me slowly pressuring her to hold hands and we kissed a couple times. Then she told me she couldn't see me anymore because I wasn't Christian.

I went home extremely frustrated, and there was another automatic message from one of the dating sites. I'd been deleting them all for the past several weeks, but I figured what the hell. Just a message from a girl commenting about my taste in music, nothing too special. Then my eyes caught this part: "Religion: atheist." I sent a reply and we ended up adding each other on MSN.

She turned out to be two years little older than me (27 at the time), and she was obsessed with foreign films and all the right bands. We had long engaging MSN conversations, sometimes going to sunrise (on weekdays when I had to work the next day). However, she refused to meet because she said she was living with her parents for a few weeks. One day, she told me she hadn't been honest with me, and she was married. She had a daughter, whose name was April. And she kept calling me a fool. It took me about 15 minutes to figure out there was no husband and it was currently April Fool's Day.

We finally agreed to meet on April 18. I waited at the subway station, same place I met the last girl. She was late. Twenty minutes after she was supposed to arrive, a worn-out old woman with a baby dragged her kid over to me, and she told her son "Say hello." I nearly had a heart attack. Then she walked her son away--I guess she just wanted her son to practice English. Finally my date showed up, wearing cowboy boots and already drunk from a lunch meeting with friends. I tried taking her to a restaurant I liked, but we got lost and ended up in a red light district. She slapped me and I led her the right way.

Long story short, we got too drunk that night and I brought her back to my apartment to show her my music collection. In a haze of drunkenness I kissed her. She left shortly after, and I thought I'd gone too far and scared her off. Then the next day she called me and we met up at a punk show. A couple years later, we ended up getting married, and we've been together for over four years.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 3:40, 3 replies)

I asked her name and it was.....
I was once enjoying a celebratory champagne (over a business deal) in a small club in Soho with a few chums, and I caught this girl looking at me from across the bar, and my eyes caught her's she quickly glanced away. I thought nothing of it, I'm used to people looking at me, I'm 6ft 7, so I get a lot of people looking at me trying to guess my height.

Any way, I caught her looking again a few minuets later, again she quickly looked away. There was something quite different about this girl but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Anyway I caught her looking yet again, but this time she didn't shy-ly glance off to the side, no, this time she got off her bar stool, and walked over to me. She seemed to be quite tall, which is a good thing for me, having a tall woman makes things hell of a lot easier considering my height.

As she arrived at my side, she asked in a rater deep breathy voice if I wanted to dance, well I'm not the worlds most passionate guy, but it was only a dance, nothing serious, so I figured "why-not", we made our way over to the dance floor, it was quite strange, she seemed to want to lead, I had no problem with that, I'm far from a good dancer. After the first song, I asked her her name, and it was Lola, L-o-l-a, Lola! And that's all that I'm telling, but I feel sure you can fill the rest in for yourself!!!
(Madlyinsane, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 3:37, 2 replies)

It was odd, but very sweet
Settle down kids, it's time for a story....

....Ok, it's quite short really.
Basically I had fancied my dearest from afar for a good long while and everyone knew it, apart from her (apparently I was very obvious despite never telling anyone).

Cue one fateful English trip to York in late October, in some lovely hostel somewhere.....

We'd spent pretty much the entire trip wandering about together, getting into the same groups, and one particularly fine arm-in-arm walk through the York Dungeons thingy and we ended up back at the hostel bar just chatting away and before I realised it she was sat on my knee!

"Someone up there likes me!" thinks I, and the chatting about nothing and everything continues, and its just us in this empty bar and after a while she goes a little quiet and
shy and says "Um.....can I kiss you?"

I'd like to say I leaned in smoother than velvet and suavely kissed her tender lips, or done the heavy '40's movie kiss and blown her socks off.

I think I said "Urm...yeah, ok then".

Romantic sod, aren't I?

This smooching carries on till bedtime (not like that you filthy buggers) and we went our separate ways. The next morning was met with much quietness and blushing, but we sat together on the minibus home, arm in arm.

A week passes and no more is said, to either a yay or nay, much to my worry, but we were set to go to a mates birthday party and I figured maybe we could talk about it then. Nope. We ended up on the couch once again snogging and afterwards no mention is said except for maybe a few embarrassed glances in the college common room.

This goes on until January in a Starbucks when I finally gather up the courage to ask what was going on with us to. And well, cock.
We talk and she explained how she didn't want a relationship and would rather just be good friends, all that jazz, and I left somewhat understandably a bit dejected, but we managed to stay friends, and good ones at that.
On top of that she starts to come over and stay over more often, so I'm getting quite mixed messages at this point, but hey, I don't mind, and I'm not about to complain :)

One night a bit later than that, in early March, we were supposed to go to someones ELSES birthday (a man that I despise with my very core) and at the very last minute (and I mean last minute, we were in fancy dress and just heading out) when I get a call, "fancy a beer and Halo night mate? There are girls there too so you can bring S* too, she won't be bored."

I breath a sigh of relief mostly cause I really wasn't looking forward to the birthday thing, and because I love the bunch of mates to death, the halo nights, and all that. So we end up at one mate's uni halls to settle in for a night, and S is whisked away by K to "give her a good talking to" or so I'm reliably informed, and after a while they return, red-faced and giggling, and we play on.

Alas we had to retire and let our good host rest, and back to mine we went, and pretty much straight to bed. We were just having a bit of a chat when I asked why K had dragged her away for a while, to be met with a blush and a grin.

"She was talking about us, she reckons we should just get on with it. So sod it; will you be my boyfriend?"

I was elated, said so, and offered my very definite "Yes" and we've been a couple ever since! SUCCESS!

March 11th, 2007, about 4am. Brilliant :D


Oh, I guess this IS quite long? Well if you've made it this far, thanks, and sorry for my drunken early morning meanderings, I'll probably edit this for clarity in the morn.

However, no apologies for length, it was bloody worth it ;)



*For that is her initial
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 3:18, 2 replies)

How I met My Wife
I was in a samba band (several, actually) and was returning from a gig at three in the morning, trying to decide whether I felt like going to a party the next night. My fellow band members badgered me into going, so I went.
There I was, glass in hand, just milling around when I spotted this rather tall lady chatting to some of my friends so i walked over, looked straight at her shoes and uttered the immortal phrase, "My God, what size are your feet?" (She is a tall lady) We spent much of the rest of the party talking in to the small hours until my lift had to drag me away. We're still together and married. Yay for my smooth-talking ways!
(sleekloon Curing Cancer one cell at a time., Fri 29 Aug 2008, 3:09, 1 reply)

Ask her
It's better to ask and know the answer, than to never ask and never know.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 2:52, 4 replies)

Romance is a funny thing.
The air hung still and heavy, seemingly anchored by the thick, omnipresent haze of cigarette smoke – a subtle smell that permeated everyone and everything in the bar as surely as the melancholy meandering notes of the lone saxophone player sat in the corner.

I wouldn’t have noticed her if I hadn’t caught a glimpse of her in the dram of single-malt I had put to my lips, her beauty unmistakable even in the rippling sepia tone of her reflection.

But most importantly, it was she who had been staring at me, her eyes locked on my back. I halted the scotch’s progress and turned to meet her gaze.

Jade eyes shimmered in a soft, slender face framed in luxurious waves of silky ebony hair, finished with a soft smile that glistened on ruby lips. Her cheeks tinted rose, either from being caught staring or from the empty cocktail glass delicately clasped in her right hand.

I raised the whiskey and tilted it, raising an eyebrow with a slightly cheeky smile of my own. She stood, gathering her purse and walked over to the bar, placing the small red bag between us before elegantly slipping her seductive form onto a barstool beside me, the cut of her little black dress offering a hint of thigh. She turned and smiled demurely.
I finally grew brave enough to break the silence.

“Might I offer you a drink?”

She accepted my offer, and as we sipped from our alcohol of choice we talked. We talked about ourselves, we talked about each other, we spoke of poetry, of vice and of virtue. We spoke for hours, delighting in each other’s company, our drinks left virtually untouched before us as the night grew darker.

I found I loved to make her laugh, watching her joy was a delight in itself, and I shared with her the numerous anecdotes and escapades that comprised of my life. She drank them in, blushing with that incredible demure smile as I likened her hair to the majesty of Hawaiian waterfalls, flushing rose as I asked her in turn of her life.

I sat, in rapt attention, my gaze never straying from hers, blushing a little myself as I caught my gaze becoming lost in her beautiful eyes time and time again. A bond had formed between us, two strangers speaking of life and sharing ours with each other over blushes and shy smiles, simple attraction giving way to a simple need for each other’s company, one that grew more and more romantic as the lighting began to dim, the other patrons taking their leave one by one until we were the only souls there, the barman making himself scarce.

The conversation faltered, leaving us both blushing as we realized we had slowly gravitated towards each other, now scant inches separating our eyes. Then she kissed me.

Our lips met as she softly shut her eyes, a brief embrace of the flesh. Somewhere, somehow, our hands found each other, palms pressed together as she pulled back, her cheeks aflame.

“I-I shouldn’t h-have…” She stammered, softly, and I rushed to stop her.

“I love you, Janice.” The words passed my lips with nary a thought, and I knew then, that very moment, that for once in my life it was true.

Her face crumpled, the delicate trickle of tears tracing matching lines down her face, and I caught her as she leant forwards, wrapping my arms around her and drawing her close.

“Shhh…Shhh… It’ll be alright…”

She sobbed into my chest, pressing herself deeper into my embrace as I made soothing noises, softly stroking the back of her head with gentle motions.

“I s-shouldn’t l-love you… Michael.”

I tilted my head, placing a soft kiss on her forehead, as she mumbled into my shirt.

“Shhh…Shhh… It’ll be alright…”

“M-Marcellus s-sends his regards.”

Oh.

I felt the heat of the shot before I heard it. The sudden blossom of warmth on my sternum registered briefly, all too quickly replaced with a sharp flush of searing agony as the bullet tore a messy exit wound in my back.

My eyes flew open just in time to meet hers.

The hammer fell a second time, the muzzle of the revolver pressed into my ribs.

I gasped, not through shock but necessity as my left lung was punctured a second time.

The cylinder clicked smoothly into place again, a fresh round in the chamber, the hammer falling immediately as the trigger travelled it’s full course, and again and again as she fired another two shots, tearing involuntary strangled noises from my throat with each crack of the pistol.

The only thing I could think of was that she stopped on the fifth round, a smooth, practiced economy of motion that belied her appearances. An assassin’s control. It was then I knew how completely I had been fooled.

I caught a glimpse of her tear-streaked face as I slumped, my arms slipping from around her as I fell against the bar. My legs refused to hold me, and gravity won as I slid down the lacquered hardwood, smearing the mahogany with scarlet as I finally came to rest on the floor, sitting against the bar in a rapidly growing pool of my blood.

My strength left me completely, my chin sinking to my chest as I coughed arterial crimson in thin streams, my suit already soaked through, the blood still under pressure even as my heart stopped beating.

I barely heard the barstool hitting the floorboards beside me, nor did I see Janice sinking to her knees in front of me – but I felt her hand as it lifted my head, her lips finding mine once more. I focused on her touch through a supreme effort of will, fighting back the darkness with what little I had left.

“I s-shouldn’t love you, M-Michael. I w-wish I didn’t…”

She held me this time, her tears warming my neck as I felt her sobbing through my ruined chest.

My vision dimmed, my eyelids now too heavy to hold open, my legs now utterly numb as I fought for every tortured, broken breath.

“Hhhnghh… sssshhhhh…sh...shhh…”

My lips moved wordlessly as her slender frame shook against me.

“…t’ll…be all…all…”

I couldn’t hold it any longer. I choked, wheezing as I coughed red foam, the irony tang of blood filling the air, my once pristine shirt now a deep burgundy.

“N-no, i-it won’t.”

My mouth moved ineffectually. I no longer had the strength to draw breathe, never mind speak, but I heard it in my mind, and I could only pray she could read it on my lips.

“I love you, Janice.”

She kissed me one last time on the forehead, and I knew it was the last thing I would ever feel.

“I love you, Michael.”

The hammer struck a sixth, final note.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 2:47, 3 replies)

very simple and almost obvious really
We were 16, I think, and we worked in Bejams.

Every Saturday, for what seemed like months I walked her to a phone box, where she would call her Dad to come and pick her up.

Not really having had much experience of 'asking someone out' I just simply piped up with the rather direct and straight forward "will you go out with me?"

"Where?" was the almost immediate response, not having understood the implications and hidden meanings of the question I had posed.

"erm...everywhere I guess", was my rather confused reply.

We then spent 18 months together, at the end of which she broke my heart.
( bacon and egg roll is going to be big downunder, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 2:37, 2 replies)

Love life’s on the fritz
Although we have recently separated, I got together with Elisabeth in 1984 after asking her to help me carry a door down to the basement.
(Claxon_Beverage, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 2:01, 3 replies)

oh thanks b3ta, just what I needed reminding of.
Dragging up yet another well repressed life event in front of total strangers (well you are).

Aged 15 I think, I played lacrosse -twas popular round our way. It mainly meant seeing more girls. And one of them was Claire. Claire was lovely. But a bit chunky. But most importantly, she had once spoken to me. Therefore, I was in love.

My plan was simple, phone her up, ask her to the cinema on Friday night.

After dialling about 40 times and hanging up before the last digit, it rang. My heartbeat somewhere in the mid 300's. My stomach acids eating through the lining and into my bowels. My nails bitten to stubs.

Someone pick up. "HelloisClairethereplease?" I stammer.

"Hold on." I do for ages. I can hear the background chatter - 'who is it mum? Dont know, some boy, a boy? who? i dont know pick it up!'

"Hi"

"Hi, its Coke"

nothing

"..from Lacrosse?"

"Oh yeah hi." Confused.

"Yeah hi. Erm aloadofusaregoingoutonfridaynighttothecinemaandIwonderedifyouwantedtocome"

I am so fucking SMOOTH.

"Erm, you want me to go with you?"

"erm, yeah"

"No, why do you think I would"

"Oh, I thought you'd like to."

"No, sorry, no."

"Are you sure?"

"yes!"

"really"

"yes!"

OK time to bring out the big guns.

Me: "Please."

Thats it. Thats the last bit i remember. I fucking said PLEASE. I actually begged her to go out with me. That millisecond has haunted me like forever. Fuck. Girls are stupid.

Later that week I cycled round and threw an egg at her house and pedalled away really fast. That showed her.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 1:04, 4 replies)

I asked her out on the Talk Board, so it only seems sensible...
Ms swander, will you marry me?
(swander, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 0:59, 3 replies)

Aw this sucks...
The only half decent story I have is of an ex who I met in a pub and he was staring at me so I asked him not very politely(!) "what the hell he was staring at?!" I thought it was fate that we'd met at the time.. now I know it was just bad luck on my part..

One other bad rejection was a kid I fancied in high school.. got the courage up to go ask him at lunch and he turned to me and said "No, cos you're ugly" That smarted a little.. kids can be so mean!

The others have mostly been pub/bar/club meetings.. and at the moment I'm single and looking... !
Length.. I'm still waiting for Mr Right...
(miss.spanky.pants .. is looking for a handsome prince..., Fri 29 Aug 2008, 0:54, 1 reply)

Ah, hopeless romance
I got together with my current missus, who I shall call L as she may or may not read this and so don't really wanna embarrass her too much if she does, a few years back, over the GameFAQs Roleplaying and Fanfiction section (Read: The uber-geeky writing section) where we both did some roleplaying (Read: I wrote stuff, she wrote stuff, others wrote stuff and we all came up with a story. Not the other kind of roleplaying ;) )

However, we kinda split up for a bit, and moved on in our own separate ways (Read: She got with another bloke, I got with another woman who I seduced whilst she was lying on my bed listening to Supermassive Black Hole. I am the master of smooth!) and carried on as friends happily.

Until me and the ex decided things weren't going too smoothly, she in fact fancied another bloke and didn't want to carry on with me, which would have been fine had we not been discussing getting married and planning the engagement and the wedding at the time (And for the record, it was her idea to get hitched, not mine. Silly bint.)

Anyway, I slink back to L, tail between my legs and my head completely fucked up (literally effed up, I was diagnosed as being bipolar type 2 after being dragged to the docs by my ex for being suicidal), and she helped me out. Long story short, we are now somewhat together in that she loves me, but has a boyfriend who she doesn't want to hurt by breaking up with him. He knows nothing apart from the fact that me and her talk. Bizarre love triangle, anyone?
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 0:42, 6 replies)

She was so good looking
that I was too much of a coward to ask her out. So she asked ME out. That was over 20 years...we've been married for 18 years this October.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 0:36, Reply)

I walked into a classroom, to hear Gordon Gano.
Back in high school, I walked into a classroom to hear a glorious voice coming out of a boom box. I'd never heard anything like it before. The girl in charge of the boom box was Kirsty Lovell, who I 'liked'.

'What's this crap?' I sneered.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 0:06, Reply)