I suppose what I crave most
are posts written in English with proper syntax. There seems to be a rash of posts lately that seem to be written in some sort of rudimentary cretinous pidgin English.

What's going on? Are people running their posts through into each language in turn on Google Translate and back to English again?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 22:45, 43 replies)

Deep (Right Down The) Pan Pizza Company
In late 1992, I was on ET. Remember ET? For six quid extra a week, you'd agree to take weeks of half-arsed "training" to keep you off the streets — and more importantly, off the unemployment roll. For us, it meant being shut in a shabby office in Anderston for the morning, and then finding the cheapest pub that we wouldn't get stabbed in to nurse a pint until 4pm.

The group decided that, though we were short on cash, we needed to have a night out. There was a dismal place called the Deep Pan Pizza Company that had an all-you-can-eat pizza 'n pasta buffet for five quid. The house rule was you had to have a serving of gloopy pasta with your spongey pizza slice, and you couldn't go back with anything on your plate. Despite this, Smallish Jim decides to take the rules as a challenge.

After seven huge slices and their accompanying starchy pasta goo, I called it quits, feeling like I'd eaten a truckload of redimix. Smallish Jim makes it to 15 rounds, looking none the worse for eating the entire wheat production of Saskatchewan in one evening. To celebrate, we all chip in to buy him a pint. Smallish Jim is still smiling after a couple of sips. Three sips in, though, and he turns the colour of the filling in a Mint Aero. He barely makes it to the bog, and the retching noises are terrible. After much flushing and coughing, Smallish Jim saunters out, quietly gets his coat, and whispers to us, "We should leave. The bog's blocked with pizza and pasta spew. We don't want to be here when the barman finds what the floor looks like in there". We left, sharpish.
( scruss, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 22:21, 1 reply)

beer bbq offer of more beer
several monsoons ago when we had a rather pleasant weekend, we decided to hold a bbq party.
much buying of beer burgers prawns and other tasty burney things later, we are ready for teh off and so light the bbq, but before we had even got to this stage much beer vodka and tequila had been consumed and bets made as to who was going to be the first to get arseholed. as a side bet a friend decided to wager that i wouldnt sniff some squirty creme, the fool!

Bbq was kicking of well and truly more had been drunk and friend raised the wage again and produced the aerosol of squirt creme. being the gulible fool and wankerd to boot i took the can from him and then shoved the nozzle up my nose and let fly with the spray.....

dear god possibly the worst thing i have ever done for a bet, my eyes started to stream, my nose felt like it was falling of, but it was just a mix of snot and expanding spray creme , i couldnt stop coughing up great lumps of creme from the back of my mouth it just kept ouzing out of my nose, what followed next was a nightmare . for the next week all any one who was near me could smell was rancid creme, me? i coudnt smell any thing but then again i couldnt taste any thing for a week either, developed a massive sinus infection and when the doctor asked me about it and the smell, he nearly pissed himself laughing .
and what was the great pay off for so much suffering i hear you ask?

1 can of beer! and you know what ?
i feel cheated, that beer was bought by me for the damned bbq





feel fee to add punctuation where you think it is needed
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 22:00, Reply)

I was that greedy for clicks and replies
That when I had over twenty on my post, I deleted it so that noone else could join in.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 21:46, 6 replies)

Dirty Pint
Just for a laugh (and ten quid), we got a friend of ours to drink a dirty pint - half a lager topped up with shots of vodka, rum, absinthe, gin, kalua, Baileys, Blu Bols and whatever we could lay our hands on. He drank it as well! Then he died of alcohol poisoning, so we got back the tenner and put it towards his wreath.
(McChinaman banned, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 19:44, 2 replies)

Move a sh*theap...literally!
When in my teens and working my summers between education I was given a tractor, trailer, wheel barrow and a spade, and told "shift this several tonnes of assorted animal sh*t from here to this other farm".

Oh, and that was in the rain, with a tractor that didn't have a cab, which bloody well makes me appreciate my warm cosy office job these days!
(repooc, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 19:25, 7 replies)

Curious George and the Mustard Eye Incident.
Entertaining some visitors from Indonesia, went out for a pub lunch on the company. Our guests seemed somewhat thrown by the plethora of sauces on offer, so we got to explaining the intricacies of British condiments. After mustard was simply described as "Something you wouldn't want to get in your eye, a bit like wasabi", I piped up that it wouldn't be that bad (dear science, why?). After some bargaining, we settled on the princely sum of 20 beer tokens for me to shove a dollop of Heinz's finest English Mustard into my ocular instrumentation.

Stung like a fucker, but twenty notes buys a lot of eye-drops. We never did get that Far-Eastern contract, can't think why.
(SpangMonkey mustachioed for her pleasure, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 18:13, Reply)

The worst thing I have ever done for money?
I made Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen.

Oh...wait...that wasn't me. It was Michael Bay.

But fuck me, it's shit. (sorry, I'd never seen it until I just caught 5 minutes of Shia LeBouf saying goodbye to a car in a barn. Then I had to switch off).
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sun 17 Apr 2011, 12:08, 4 replies)

I've said it in a QOTW before and I may very well say it in a QOTW again
I once ate a dollar for 5 dollars.

Folded it up, washed it down with a beer, paid for (part of) my dinner with the fiver.
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 18:29, 4 replies)

I'm greedy for segues
from the actual topic to kittens.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 16:47, 2 replies)

BOGOF
Went to McDonalds when they were doing one of their buy one get one free promotions.
Me and my mate ordered 16 quarter pounders along with 2 diet cokes.
The girl serving didn't see the irony.
(davidcompression, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 16:10, 24 replies)

A sell out of my principles...
There was this guy called Dave and, in order to advance my career, I got my friends to support him and his friends and allowed myself (and the country) to be utterly shafted by the Tory numbnuts. Now I've got a big car. Sweet.

Nick Clegg.
(ProfessorCutnybaws knows two chords now., Sat 16 Apr 2011, 14:58, 3 replies)

Greed
Back in 2000 when Sydney had the Olympics my organisation decided to allocate a shitload of overtime to be worked at various Olympic venues around the city. My Bosses boss, the lazy twat, couldn't be bothered working out a way to fairly distribute the OT amongst the troops, so got one of his arselicking minions to do it for him. Turns out this brownnosing cock allocates most of the cream to himself and his bumchums, doing everyone else out of their share.
Now it takes a bit to get me to react, but I snapped. Rang the big boss and told him I was going to report him for corruption. Turns out senior officers are scared shitless of that particular C word, and he folded like a deck of cards. Asked me if I was happy with names being drawn out of a hat and would I like to supervise the draw.
No surprises when I only got one shift of OT, but ended up swapping with another guy so ended up working two shifts instead. Then the pay section fucked up and paid me for three shifts instead of two. Result. Been 11 years now and I suppose I should tell them of their error. Maybe next week.
(Firemansam, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 12:43, 3 replies)

Legend
There's an enormous guy from my home town who's mates once bet him £20 that he wouldn't be able to eat 20 battered fish from the chip shop.

He did, and with his winnings went back and bought cod and chips.

Sir, I salute you.
( Sculpture of Man Putting a banging donk on it since, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 12:00, 1 reply)

Hershey chocolate
Went to america a few years back and visited the Hersey factory.
Couldn't believe how cheap choccys were over there.

Well we got seven pounds (3.175 kilos) in weight of the stuff, just one problem.
None of my family liked it except me, they said it tasted of a cross between cigarette smoke and sick.

So I ate the whole lot in 3 days when we got back to blighty.
Then I had to go for a regular blood test and got called back a few days later as they thought I was diabetic. Luckily I'd cleared the choc from my system by the second test.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 11:55, 13 replies)

You've all heard about the story of bar snacks being ridden with germs common to urine?
At a town we briefly drank at, the customers acquired the habit of throwing any copper change into the ceramic trough in the old fashioned urinal, as some sort of bonus for the cleaners. Towards the end of the night, there'd often be a fair few quids worth of small change.

Worryingly, some nights, there used to be almost nothing. Which lead us to believe that someone had delved into this stinking pit and scooped up the change with their bare hands to pay for their taxi, a burger on the way home or to buy their last pint

We stopped going there fairly quickly when someone remembered the story about the bar snacks and wondered whether the change had ended up in the till or if the staff washed their hands after every translation before pouring our pints.

It was taken over a few years ago and refurbished. They've got nice new, modern urinals nowadays, but there's still change at the bottom. The memories came flooding back and I couldn't finish my pint.
(Unit, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 11:32, 15 replies)

Me ol' Computing lecturer spotted a bargain
when he went to Tescos a few years ago and noticed an offer on Coca-Cola, where if you bought 6 cans for £2 (it was a while ago) you got a shedload of bonus points on your Clubcard. Doing a quick bit of maths in his head he realized that it meant he would get the same amount back in money-off vouchers for every 6-pack that he bought.

So he grabbed another trolley and bought £140 worth of the stuff. A few weeks later he got the same amount back in Tesco vouchers too.

Ever since then though he can't look at the stuff; he most probs drunk himself sick what with the 420 free cans of sugary acid he obtained.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 10:08, 1 reply)

i heard about a job advertisement
Looking for a "hygiene technician".

It was based on a remote building site where, due to a lack of toilet facilities, the hairy armed Scottish bricks had to piss into their empty glass irn bru bottles. The lucky candidate would get to clear these up and dispose of them. Due to the nature of the work the hourly rate was quite high. As an added bonus, the advert said, the person doing the job would also get to keep the deposit bottles.

Don't know if this was made up or not. I would like to think that some kid got the job and the sheer horror of handling hundreds of litres of bricks piss spurred them on to great things.
(OTT, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 8:43, 3 replies)

I once tried to ripoff a charity shop
I guess that counts as a greed, right? 'Twas just a few days before leaving for China for the first time, back in the mists of time (2007). I was idly browsing through an Oxfam bookshop one afternoon when I noticed there was a Chinese language grammar and character-writing set - two books for about 3.50 each. Good deal, and it struck me that learning a bit of Chinese might come in handy - you never know! So I went up and paid for them.

Except the nice lady at the till assumed they were 3.50 for the pair, not each. I kept schtum until she started to bag them, at which point she noticed the price on the smaller of the books. "Oh," she said. "This one is 3.50 too."

"Oh right," I said, obviously rumbled. The nice lady pretended not to understand, but she knew, and I knew she knew, that I'd been trying to con the shop out of this tiny amount. I paid up and got out of there as fast as I could, never to return. And that's how I tried to ripoff a charity shop.
(McChinaman banned, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 7:13, 5 replies)

Poo and wee.
Ive done a lot of crappy things for money in my time, some of them were even legal, but one that springs to mind was a job i had for two weeks collecting commodes from old peoples homes and having to wash them out. Imagine how bad that must be and then multiply that by 10 and you'd be getting close to how shit it was.
I also drank a glass of my own warm piss for a bet once. fucking easy money! made a $100 off that but for the next week every time i took a wee the smell almost made me puke.
(technocore, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 5:21, 1 reply)

My second job
Involved kitchen drudgery, with such as keeping dishes clean, and prepping food. Instead of paying for proper utensils, the couple I worked for just gave me a fuck-off big knife with which to do everything. Easily 5cm tall by about 30cm long for the blade. One day I sliced my thumb open, from one side almost completely round to connect again. So I trot off to show my boss, and explain why I'd be heading off to the hospital.

Now, I've got a nice wound wrapped nearly around my thumb, and my hand covered in blood, a red (white five minutes prior) cloth hand towel wrapped around it, and a thing trail off blood following me from the other side of the complex. Show my boss and tell her I'm off.

"What do you mean you're off? You can't go to the hospital for that, I'm not paying any more on my insurance premiums!" She would have gladly had me pass out from blood loss on her kitchen floor, rather than pay an extra $0.50-$1.50 a month on her insurance. I quit shortly after that. Also, a big huzzah for the US insurance system. Glad to see how well it's always worked out for me.

Strangely, I still get Christmas cards and Birthday cards from them every year. They were a lovely couple right up to the moment they started paying you, at which point they (especially the wife) became absolutely mental.
( Ithyphallophobia, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 3:24, 2 replies)

Accused of greed
Not so long ago I had a docs appointment at 2pm.
Now im not one for eating breakfast or anything really before midday at the very least, so thought I'd wait until after my appointment.
What I hadnt expected was that my appointment would end in my being carted off in an ambulance all lights and sirens blazing, oh the shame.
On arrival at the MAU, was asked when I last ate as they would be performing a procedure in due course and I needed to be nil by mouth.
Oh about 6pm last night.
So thats good and I wait nervously, every hour or so having BP and blood tests etc
At around 8pm I'd happily french kiss a warthog for a sip of water but am told no.
At 10pm they tell me they wont be doing anything invasive until the morning now.
I ask the nurse/orderly ( I dont know) if its possible for me to have anything to eat, and im brought a sandwich, neither of us know what the contents are, concensus seems to be it might be chicken, and a tiny sealed cup of juice.
I virtually inhaled them.
And then I had the temerity to ask if perhaps they had an apple or something?
Note to hospital staff, just because a curtain is drawn doesnt mean you cant hear what is being said on the other side.
"Weve got a greedy one here"
One bloody sarnie and a cup of juice in just over 29 hours and i'm greedy?

I also heard that person say things about other patients but thats for another QOTW
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 1:12, 2 replies)

I don't even like West Ham
A bet while drunk (of course) in a fish and chip shop led to me eating an entire small catering pack of Persil poured over a pineapple fritter supper.
I got round the corner with my winnings - the princely sum of 37p - ie the cost of the supper (this was 1976) - before puking.
Three days later and every toilet flush was accompanied by bubbles. No lie. If you don't believe me try it yourself.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 0:31, 10 replies)

Red Poo
I love beetroot, I eat as much of it as I can get.

It took me a few goes to work out I didn't have bowel cancer.
(Jugular, Sat 16 Apr 2011, 0:07, 8 replies)

Sex, drugs and sausage rolls*
My first job was in a small family run store under the Happy Shopper chain. Great people I'd known for a long time, but not a clue when it came to running a store. It was a bit WW2. It was nice to have a traditional store about, that sold biscuits and fresh cakes, hot pastries and stamps as well, but still... If they really wanted to, they could have made a lot more money from it. They didn't need loads of money, as a 55/60ish year old couple they were just a little obivious. I took advantage, I'm sorry to say.

The shop was probably 8m x 20m, with doors situated at either side of the 8m face on one end, and the counter stretching between the two doors. Access was only granted on one side, however, as one end was blocked off by the 'hot counter' - where all the pastrie were kept.

We had all manner of greasy goodness. Steak bakes (this was WAY before I'd ever heard of Greggs, as this was 6 years ago. And in Hertfordshire), Breakfast Bakes (egg, sausage, beans), Cornish Pasties, Sausages/Bacon for baps, and Sausage Rolls. Beautiful, gorgeous sausage rolls - at LEAST a good 8 inches long. And, from what I've heard, that's about bang on. I mean, any more than 8 and they find it a struggle.

My bosses/supervisors at the time would always cook too many pastries. At 13:00 they'd stop selling and we'd take them out from under the heater, at 13:30 they're as hard as diamonds, and at 18:00 enough pastry hits the bottom of the bin that if you listen quietly, you can just make out the distant cries of Rick Waller.

For each shift I worked I got a free pastry of my choosing for lunch, but I was a 15/16 year old kid going through quite a growth spurt. One measly pastry was not enough. After working there for a month or two I picked up courage, and went for a second sausage roll. By 6 months I was sneaking 2 sausage rolls, a packet of crisps and a can of coke on a tab never to be paid. By month #23 I was really taking the piss, and under plain view of CCTV.

One day my boss called me back to the staff kitchen, sounding fairly aggitated. It was about 14:00 on my Saturday shift, I worked 10:00 to 16:00, so still had a good few pastries to go.The dialogue wasn't too unlike this:

Boss: Munch, you do know that you're not allowed to eat behind the counter, right?
Me: Yes....
B: You've been doing it all day, I've just watched the CCTV. In fact, you weren't even paying for what you were eating.
M: But they're all going to get thrown away.
B: Do you know how much you ate today?
M: No... But I'll pay for it, I didn't mean for it to be like stealing, just take it out of my shift. (I got paid cash in hand)
B: Oh, I will. Because you've eaten £22 worth of food today. Get back to work!

£22! Jesus Christ, I couldn't believe it. Let me put this into perspective, all of the pastries were costed between £1.00 and £1.50. Coke at about 60p (to be fair, I could easily have had around 10 of these), and sweets or crisps at about 50p.

£22 I ate. I was only on £3.90 an hour, that was almost my entire fucking pay for that shift gone. I'd wasted the entire morning and left with about £1 in my pocket and barely even a full fucking stomach.

PISS. TAKE.


*Minus the sex and drugs
(MunchMyBalloons, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 23:40, 5 replies)

My co-worker
is a glutton for praise. She simply can't get enough of it. And whats worse she will put down her superiors and other co-workers to get it. This is something of a problem considering she, is in the job a wet week, and, to be brutally honest, has fuck all clue how to deal with troubled teens.

I've worked with everyone on the team for the past few years and every team meeting my co-worker will without fail embarrass herself unwittingly by either being over-enthusiastic or uncomprehending of simple concepts.

I decided to take advantage of her need for praise. With my managers knowledge I said in front of said co-worker that I simply had TOO MUCH paperwork to possibly get done in work and that, by-gum, I was taking it home with me to get done. On hearing this my co-worker panicked and stated she would do same. Next day she came in wrecked stating she had spent hours getting her paperwork done. When she asked how I had done I stated I wasn't paid to do work at home and that I had most of it done anyway.

Ha.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Fri 15 Apr 2011, 23:34, Reply)