Taken from a friends Facebook page...



(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 9:43, 4 replies)

Warning - Nerd story
I used to play *gasp* World of Warcraft. I'm thankfully now cured. For the uninitiated, 'high-end' WoWing requires a lot of teamwork if you want to get all the best stuff. Thus, you generally put your evening in the hands of the other 9 or 24 people who you're playing with. So when someone goes to get a drink, or take a shit or whatever, if they are sufficiently important to the group, everyone else has to wait for them to get back, which is highly boring and inefficient, everyone wants to get on, kill the bosses and get the loot.

So when one of our key players fucked off in the middle of an evening's play, for around an hour without explaination, leaving us all frustrated and stranded, the rest of the group was mightily pissed. 'He'd better have a fucking good reason for this', we fumed over our microphones.

When he finally returned, it was to cries of 'WTF man?' etc.
'My Aunt just died'.

Silence.

Then someone pipes up 'What did she drop?'

Everyone laughed. Surely to Hull with us?
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 9:32, 6 replies)

Heading out early one Saturday afternoon to do a gig..
Me and the boys decided to stop and have a beer at a place called "The Foaming Jug" on the way. As we drove into the car park, we saw a man who was clearly a disabled special needs walking in the best way he could....more of a wobbly stumble with one foot being slightly dragged, and without thinking I said "Somebody's had a skinfull !". To which everyone told me I was going straight to hell..but then couldn't help bursting out laughing. Shameful really.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 9:30, 1 reply)

Friendly fire
Mrs Flatfrog was visiting a friend whose brother was a soldier. She asked how he was doing.
'Oh, didn't you hear? He died in Iraq'
'That's terrible, I didn't hear. How did it happen?'
'He was killed in a friendly fire incident. A tank fell on him'
At which point the missiz bursts out laughing. She was really embarrassed and apologetic, but her friend said.
'Don't worry about it, everyone does that'.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 9:06, 3 replies)

This got me into a load of shit.
Lets be honest, who doesn't laugh at a giant comedy penis? Whether it's on a road sign, in a French text book or scribbled on a Tory election campaign poster.

My mate has an etch-a-sketch so I drew a comedy penis on it and then handed it to my 2 year old daughter and took a picture of it. So to all intensive purposes it looked like she had drawn it.

Anyhooo I posted this picture on my FaceBook and all hell broke loose. 99% of my friends thought it was very funny (incidentally 99% of my friends who are parents thought it was very funny) but that 1% went postal. I was even accused of exposing my daughter to paedophilic images by my sister in law.

Mad.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 8:53, 7 replies)

Me old dog, Ben
Seeing him pissed off half a can of carling. Utterly comical. Watching a large labrador rottweiler stumble about, take a few seconds to focus on you then wag his tail and run over a bit dizzily towards you before randomly wagging his tail again and repeat it every few seconds is comical :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 8:22, 11 replies)

Cat badgers
I used to do a Sunday job in a garden centre, where two kittens would regularly come in to enjoy stroking and affection from the bored staff, and cooing from the elderly customers.

We gave free coffee to customers, which was served in polystyrene cups, so there was normally one or two of these lying around on the counter.

When there was half an inch or so of cold coffee in the bottom, one of the kittens would often wander up and stick its head in to take a sip, only to find the polystyrene cup stuck to its head.

Trying not to laugh as a kitten walked cup-first into a plant pot that had just been placed on the counter by a horrified granny was difficult to say the least.

I always wanted to paint one of the cups black and white to make the kitten look like a crazy badger, but never got around to it.

Now I'm all grown up and have two little kittens of my own, it's perhaps time to buy some polystyrene cups and try it.
(yokelrobin THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 7:21, Reply)

Midgets and pigeons
A couple of weeks ago, my buddy and I were out at our one horse town fair. After gorging on funnel cake, deep fried avocado nachos and a lot of beer, it was time to piss.
We're stood there at the urinal when a "little person" walked in....which caused us both to stifle our giggles to start with, but then a pigeon flew into the restroom (kind of like a portacabin with urinals so there's a lot of open space in the roof) and landed right by the feet of the midget.
The little guy freaked out, and bent down to shoo the bird away...slipped and fell and got a mouthful of urinal water after falling face first into the trough.
That was it...Mark and I were laughing so hard we had to lean on each other for support and when security walked in and asked the little guy where his dad was - well, we were lucky we didn't end up face first in the trough ourselves.
(nolongernuts, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 5:45, 4 replies)

He who smelt it... well no, it was me...
Remember those "Heelies" shoes with the little wheels underneath that were so popular a few years back? Well, for a while their use was rampant in the Land of the Great Wide Shopping Mall (USA), where waist-high children would zip around until they inevitably ran into something. I seemed to have some sort of curse - these children would always manage to run directly into my backside - but couldn't avoid a trip to the mall to pick up a few things.

So there I was, standing in a store and trying to decide between two equally boring presents for my mother, when I started to feel a bit of a pressure in my stomach. I looked around - nobody in my aisle - and shifted my weight to one leg in preparation for a Standing One-Cheek Sneak. Just that that moment, a child zipped around a corner and *directly into my ass*, dislodging an air biscuit that was fortunately silent, but unfortunately quite redolent of the previous night's Mexican food. The boy, unbalanced, fell on his ass with a disgusted look, then picked himself up and unsteadily booked it out of the store.

I got a few dirty looks from people who thought my burst of laughter was because the boy had fallen... but I'd have gotten much dirtier looks if they'd come any closer and discovered the real reason. Poor kid.
(enervatrice, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 4:41, 1 reply)

I once went into a pub.
It was quite quiet. It was a country pub. I went up to the bar and asked how much it cost for a pint. Two pound booms the boy behind the bar. Alright I says, I'll take one. The guy pours me one and I shat in it in front of the whole bar. Just for a laugh. Then I got a mojito.
(Artimus Pie purred, unconvincingly, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 4:16, 1 reply)

Shit just remembered!
Was at a wedding where the bride's parents are both blind (dad completely, mum legally, but still sees blurrs).
Someone came up and grabbed them by the elbows saying "come one you two, on the dance floor!" and started leading them outside to where everyone was getting funky.
The sighted one in the middle walked straight through the door, the unsighted on either side slammed straight into the door frame on either side.
I had to leave the room.
( difficultchild, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 3:44, 4 replies)

And another one (of course)
It's an old favourite and one I'm sure many, many people have enjoyed...
But there's something particularly funny about attending an autopsy when the bodily gasses build up and the corpse farts.
EVERYONE laughs.
( difficultchild, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 3:41, Reply)

As a journalist I've seen my fair share of inappropriately hilarious moments.
But the peak would have to be when a colleague arrived late at a particularly bad traffic accident and was jogging up to get the facts... then he put his foot on a piece of brain and went flying into a ditch.
( difficultchild, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 3:39, 1 reply)

Most overplayed death scene ever...
Was the moment when I was standing in a pub with a mate who was well trollied and a bloke walked up with a bucket half-filled with change.
"Hi guys, would you like to donate a few coins to help bring a friend of ours home from Greece? He was killed while on holiday and his family can't afford to get his body home."
That's terrible, I say, what happened?
"Well he was riding a scooter with no helmet, came off the bike and slammed into the railing on the side of the road."
That's terrible I repeat.
"Then he flicked back into the traffic and was run over by a car. Then another car hit him and flipped him over the side of the road, down the side of a mountain back onto the road below into the path of a truck, that ran him over, another car hit him and he went back off the side of the road onto the rocks below and then into the sea."
At this point the mate of mine utterly lost it, laughing so hard he started to cry.
The poor guy with the bucket just wandered off.
( difficultchild, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 3:37, Reply)

you dish it out? then you take it too
I have no guilty laughs. There is noone I laugh at more than myself. I am happy that I treat everyone exactly as shitely as everyone else, bar myself. I tend to treat everything with the same irreverence. Isn't that the ultimate equality?

I rather take the attitude that (either everything is sacred or) nothing is sacred. In that sense then absolutely everything can have humorous value.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 3:17, 5 replies)

Wet old men.
Last year my brother had organised a trip to the races; meet in a pub for breakfast, train to Thirsk, few pre-race pints and then the gambling can begin. The race meet is on the same day as the Thirsk market but as no-one had driven then the stalls set up in the parking bays were of no bother to us.

Typically, after a week of blazing sunshine, as soon as we disembark the train it starts raining. It's not too bad - just a bit of drizzle at first, but when we're in a pub it proper honks down as if God's own racehorse was treating us to some golden-shower action usually reserved for the German dungeon scene.

It stops raining about 30 minutes before the first race so we venture outside, avoiding the nasty big puddles along the way and keeping close to the buildings to avoid any rogue raindrops.

As we're heading out, on the other side of the pavement and heading in the opposite direction is an old man, about 80 summers old and casually perusing the wares on offer at a market stall.

A market stall with a tarpaulin roof.

A tarpaulin filled with over an hours worth of torrential, cold, rainwater....

Cue a freak, totally unprecedented gust of wind, dumping a medium-sized paddling-pool's worth of water all over the old fella. He looks down at himself in shock, then stares up at the sky, raises his fists and shouts "OH HOWAY!!!!!" as if God himself had been playing pranks on him all day and had taken it too far this time.

We made sure he was ok, and managed to get a good 4 feet away before I was doubled over gasping for breath and struggling to breathe from the waves of Schadenfruede running through me.

It was the funniest thing I've seen in a couple of years and I also came away from the racetrack £30 quid up, result!

*insert length joke*
(SpongeGavShitPants, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 3:02, 3 replies)

At my expense
I am usually the butt of most guilty laughs due to my tall, quite inelegant manner and a habit of making an arse out of myself. I blame the extra time it takes for nerve impulses to travel from my brain to my hands and feet due to my extra height. A tenuous excuse you may agree.

Anyway one particular family holiday when I was aged about 15 we went on a canal barge holiday down the Avon with my aunt, uncle and cousins in tow too. As the kids we excitedly hurried around whenever it came to locks and bridges to break up the long sections of crawling along at the sort of speeds usually reserved for emphysemic pensioners tottering down the local post office.

This particular bridge was a swing bridge where you push it open and closed using a beam projecting out of the back of it, that way you're always on the bank. We'd already been through it once on the way out and were coming through it on the way back to the start. I'd eyed it up on the way through and figured it was ripe for some sort of James Bond-esque manoueuvre whereby I'd push it closed from the bridge end and swing over the river from one bank to the other amidst gasps and a round of applause from the watching gallery.

It didn't quite work this way.

I started off with an almighty push and jumped off the bank, hanging onto the end of the bridge. It stuttered and stopped in the middle of the river, me dangling from the handrail at the end. Now I wasn't reknown for my upper body strength (I've still never really managed a convincing chin up as I'm a heavy bastard) and I couldn't haul myself up onto the bridge. My sister did try to push the bridge clsoed on her own but being about 12 she didn't have the required grunt. After maybe a minute postponing the inevitable and gathering a small crowd (the same ones I was hoping for a hero's welcome from) my grip gave out and I landed in a sludgy canal up to around my chest. As I waded folornly back to the edge I was greeted by my parents, aunt and uncle and bunch of passers by sniggering and asking me what on earth possessed me to do something so stupid. They struggled to haul me out of the canal as they were all giggling too much. Red faced, I retreated down into the barge to shower off the filth, rat urine and whatever else you find in your local canal and pretty much refused to come out until I was sure that all the people who saw me had gone.

I would like to say I had learned a valuable lesson that day and that I always thought through the likely consequences before embarking on something like that again but I'd be lying. I really do want to be James Bond.
(bigjonnydynamite, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 2:24, Reply)

Can't you see that I'm blind?
A few years ago, I left my then employer in London's busy West End and made my way to the nearby tube station, weaving my way through slow-moving tourists with a commuter's disdain and giving a wide berth to an elderly blind gentleman who was happily tapping his way with a white stick. I remember thinking something patronising about how remarkable it was that he was able to function in such a normal way. It was then that I saw another elderly blind gentleman coming the other way on a collision course. Time stood still for a moment. I had time to say something, but I didn't. I couldn't. The elderly blind gentlemen smashed into each other with a volley of outrage and swear words. The slow-moving tourists gasped oh-my-Gods and are-you-alrights as I bent double in uncontrollable laughter.
(Popinjay, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 2:23, Reply)

My sisters wedding and naturally the barstaff were poorly trained and thus I had been generously over-served. I was seated at a table full of posh people I hadn't met before. A gentleman in his senior years approached the table and we all hushed while he addressed us. He apologised that his wife, a heavily bandaged woman I had briefly spied earlier, was unable to attend the reception but had been present at the ceremony. Tragically, he explained, she had been in a workplace accident recently and had needed to have an eye removed.

"Aha, cyclops!" I exploded, to deathly silence.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 0:46, Reply)

death by dinner
about 15 years ago, i ran into a good friend of mine. upon asking how she was, she told me that her father had recently died. obviously, i felt very sorry for her. then she told me that she'd found his body. my god, i thought, what an horrific thing to go through!
"how did he die?" i asked her.
"he choked to death on a sausage," she replied. i know it's not funny, but god help me, i laughed. after i'd stopped, i immediately apologised. "don't worry about it," she reassured me. "i've told quite a few people, they all laugh at first."
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 0:40, Reply)

The law of "one more time"
Anyone who has spent time near small children knows that when you tell them to stop doing something, they will always do it one more time just to spite you because the little fuckers love working your last nerve. That one more time is the sweetest moment for things to go wrong, and makes a child's pain my pleasure.

- My sister was twirling around in the bathroom, and my mom told her not to because it was dangerous. One more twirl... the bath mat slipped out from under her feet and her arm went into the toilet up to her shoulder.

- My friend's toddler was headbanging at the dinner table for no good reason. After repeatedly warning him to cut it out and eat his food, my friend finally yelled at him. He stopped, made eye-contact for a second, and headbanged one more time. *SMACK* forehead meets wood.

- Same child was jumping back and forth from the couch and armchair. While my friend told him off and asked him to get down, he squatted and took his final leap. It didn't work out so well for him, as he tripped and slammed his head into a corner, requiring three stitches.

- At the motel pool, a young boy kept running around. His mother yelled "don't run near the pool" and two steps later the kid slipped and fell on his ass. He got back up like a champ, and started running again. His mom yelled "damn it, Billy, don't..." and right then he fell on his ass again.

- A four-year-old daughter of some friends of the family was running around making a general nuisance of herself, so they told her to sit down and mellow out. Instead, she ran up to my dad and bit him on the knee, causing a literal knee-jerk reaction. He kicked her, she fell on her butt, and my whole family cracked up laughing at her. (Her parents luckily had not witnessed the kicking, but were confused by us laughing at their crying child)

Moral lesson: listen to your mom. She has powers.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 0:22, 2 replies)

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 23:49, 4 replies)

Pearoast alert
From Kids topic way back...

No way of making this less wince inducing I am afraid lads.
At the tender age of five he dropped the wooden toilet lid it's full height on his knob. The noise he made was like the death throes of a warthog. The bruising it left was spectacular and remained for a good couple of weeks. The sound of muffled adult laughter almost lasted as long.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 23:48, 1 reply)

Not the first Auschwitz story..
I live in Poland. My father visits occasionally, and on one of those occasions he said "I really want to visit Auschwitz, so we did.
Anyone who has ever done the Polish Museum Experience in a coach party will testify to the fact that they (the Poles - sorry for the massive generalisation, but this one is mostly true)are really good at that kind of thing, with audio guides, information, directions etc.
However - if you are visiting as an individual, or a bloke and his venerable pa, there is basically nothing for you. Nic, nichts, nada, niente, rien, nowt. It's the same at the museum of the Warsaw Uprising, the War Museum... all of them, as far as I can tell.
I have checked my impression with many Polish friends, and they say the same. Go with a big bunch, or you're fucked.
So - we did the best we could. Dad can walk up to 50 metres without resting, and he likes a clue or two about what he is looking at, where to go, what's next, that kind of thing. We saw what we could find, we listened to the birds not singing, we didn't see half the stuff we knew was there, and there was no-one around to ask.
After 90mins of stumbling over cobbles, my father turned to me and said (with a COMPLETELY straight face - bearing in mind he knew people who died there) "I can't help thinking that this place would be better organised if the Germans were still running it".
I hope that the people who saw us clinging to each other, helpless with suppressed laughter, thought that they were witnessing a very different display of emotion.
This is not a story I can easily relate in Poland.
Incidentally, two days after we were there, some fucker nicked 'the' sign. It wasn't us.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 23:33, 4 replies)

Evil Laughs
I got me some new kittehs (Sooty and Sweep).....

They're guilty of so much damage but I look at their faces and can't help but smile and laugh :-)


(Something funny, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 23:17, Reply)

A work colleague
that I hadn't known for very long told me that he was taking time off because his grandad had died. Unfortunately he told me at the precise moment I opened an email someone had sent of a dog wearing a hat.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 23:02, 1 reply)

Twitchy lady shame
Picture the scene , two customers walk in.
A very attractive young lady and an average man.
The young lady is sheepish , shy and reserved , the man .... well i can't remember.
Well to cut a long story short she had a twitch a serious one where she frequently hit herself in the face, cue sniggering and bets by the bar staff.
They orderd two pints and thusly she spilled her drink everywhere and whilst her date cleaned it up she then knocked his drink over.
Cue me rushing over to help clean whilst sniggering like a loon.

They then had some bottles and left sporting scowls.
The worst thing about it all is my impersonation of the lady when i get drunk.
I'm a bad bad man and am probably going to someplace cold and full of pain.... Its called work and i deserve to be there.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 22:23, Reply)

Kit-e-Splat
my friend anthony loves animals. he's had several pets for as long as i've known him.
a few years back, he had 2 cats, mel and pepsi. one night, he phoned me in floods of tears and told me that pepsi had been run over. i made the appropriate soothing noises, waited for him to calm down, then offered to go down and keep him company. he said no, he'd just needed to tell someone and felt better now.
i hung up the phone and turned to my neighbour chris, who'd been watching telly with me. "what's up?" he asked. i told him about anthony's cat and he said "which cat was it?" "pepsi", i replied. "ooh," says he, "there's nothing worse than flat pepsi."
i almost choked laughing.
i felt really guilty afterwards, but fuck me, it was funny at the time.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:54, Reply)

The Lost Highway by David Lynch
We were out one night in Brixton and went to the fabulous Ritzy Cinema to see this much acclaimed new work by acclaimed film making guy.

I've never cared for Lynch or this type of Heavy Art Film. However, I found myself sat with a lot of people who did. A lot. Who did. A lot.

So anyway i sat through this disturbing disjointed head fucking story. It was OK. I could see the point, without being that impressed. In common with some other films, I struggled to give a fuck about any of the characters and anything that happened to them. i think some films just expect you to care about a character, without giving you any reason to. This was such a film.

But then there's this scene at the end, where (ooh! how original) some homicidal maniac is chasing this couple around their sumptuous house, trying to do what homicidal maniacs do best.

THEN it look's like our couple's geese are cooked.
THEN the bad guy GOES DOWN HARD (but out of shot, behind a small cocktail bar)
THEN the couple start making out,they are SO RELIEVED! the horror has ended.

REMEMBER this is not a cliché, it's an art film so it's dead good.
BUT THEN the bad guy gets back up. OMG he's not dead, after all!
THEN he LEAPS over the bar, straight at our hero and heroine!
BUT he flies over their heads, and lands, full length, in the sunken sofa area of the room, with about 4 inches of the corner of a glass coffee table stuck into his forehead THE END.

The whole cinema GASPED with shock. The horror. The poignancy. The camera angle.

I, OTOH, almost pissed myself. It was pure, ridiculous Peter Jackson/Bad Taste. It took me a few moments to calm down.

My arty friends were not impressed. They're not my friends any more.

Great posh popcorn, though!
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:41, 5 replies)