Mowing habits and lady gardens
Hmm... Something which resembles Brian Blessed blowing a kiss isn't my bag, but don't let me stop you holding back.

The analogies alone are enough to keep me amused for ages.

[scribbles "Terry Waite's allotment" in notebook]
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 5 Sep 2007, 14:04, Reply)

Emily B-D
I can't say I've really given any thought to your personal mowing habits, so I had no expectations per se.

I have also just thought that a more contemporary analogy would be Alan Johnston's front lawn.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Gas masks at the ready if you work for CSC in Solihull....
I just farted and stunk out the office. How is this a guilty secret you might well be wondering. I got my boss to take the blame.
(Prawn, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:58, Reply)

I have Terry Waite's allotment.
You expected what exactly?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:56, Reply)

k2k6: I can confirm....
that your mother is not square in cross-section
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:53, Reply)

It's all coming back to me now
A bloke I was at school with was a bit of a pervert. OK, he was a complete weirdo, but anyway, he turned up to class one day with a bunch of polaroid photos and let us all see them.

He'd found them in his parents' wardrobe. You can see where this is going, can't you?

There were the relatively "normal" shots of copulation etc, but the one which is permanently etched in my memory was of his mother sitting naked with a trickle of menstrual blood running down her leg.

WTF? Finding my mum's pron mag was bad enough - had I found pictures I think I'd have been in therapy, not showing them to my classmates with wicked glee.

Mr Bulloch, if you're reading this - you're a sick man.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:53, Reply)

Re Torch
oo-er...
( SocialRobot, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:42, Reply)

Torch
I bloody well hope so. Apart from the mental scars I've just reopened, the torch was square in cross section!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:36, Reply)

Looks like i touched a nerve!
I aint gunna apologize for having an opinion on someone.

1. Notice how i havent said his storys arent funny. They are. Even though i can gauntee 99% of them are fabricated.

2. I dont despise him. I jsut feel that the people who take his word as gospel should be rounded up and be made to listern to every song S club 7 ever made. on repeat. for 100 years.

3. A couple of messages said im 'narrow minded'. Im sorry for having a differing opinoin to you! Wait, lets all jump on the band wagon! Woo!



He is a thinking mans Apeloverage, less contriversal.
(DebbieDoesDerby, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:35, Reply)

Hmm...
...and do you really think she was using the torch for 'feeding the cat'? In a manner of speaking, maybe...
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Oh, and another one
I would have been maybe 10. My mum had borrowed my torch for some reason, maybe getting up to feed the cat in the middle of the night or something. I asked for it back.

She said it was in below her pillow. So I went to retrieve it.

By mistake, I lifted not only the blankets and pillow, but also the mattress. I found thereunder a glossy colour publication, the likes of which my young mind had only imagined before.

Yes, my mum had a girlie mag under her side of the mattress. Had it been my dad's side, well, fair enough.

I never yet found out what that was all about, and I never want to know, either. Some things are best left unknown.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:31, Reply)

Portrait?
Actually, that IS Rachelswipe on the far right...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:31, Reply)

And here's a portrait of Legless...
...that is, if Ms. Swipe, his ex and Mrs. Legless ever get together...


( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:23, Reply)

Goodbye, cruel world...
For those of you who know who I am…this is personality suicide.

I used to be scared of the testcard. (you know, the girl with the clown and the blackboard…I mean, just what the blithering bitch-tits was that all about?) Also, I say ‘used to be scared’; to be honest, I still am a bit shuddersville when I see it. My brother says I was scared of the Phantom-flan-flinger from Tiswas. I wasn’t, really I wasn’t, but the testcard….fuck-a-doodle-do!

Aged about 7 years old, I once held someone’s arms behind their back whilst someone else punched them. The lad concerned was a gobshite, but it’s still unforgivable and I hate myself for doing it.

I am in inner turmoil about actually finding out what Rachelswipe looks like…I mean, do I spoil my imaginary picture? Let's face it, we've all got pretty high expectations of her? Would I be disappointed? Oh, the conflict! I suppose I shouldn't worry, I prob won't get to see her anyway!

I like crap pop music waaay more than I should. I have been respectfully and quite successfully writing / performing everything from rock to grunge to indie etc for years but……..I just don’t think Led Zeppelin are any good…and I think ‘Caught in the middle’ by A1 is fucking brilliant! (Oh the shame)

People think I’m clever…I’m not. I get asked my opinions and advice on a regular basis on every issue imaginable and always just seem to blag my way out of situations with rambling bullshit which people eat up because they're glad somebody is pretending to listen.

I have a thing for ‘curvy’ girls. Stick thin ‘model types’ simply fail to pump my nads. Don’t get me wrong, bloaters are not on the pooflake menu, but a little meat is reet neat. Then again, I would gladly like to give each member of Girls Aloud (even the Ginger one) the best 24.7 seconds of their lives.

Speaking of attractiveness, waitress / secretary outfits (the old black skirt / white blouse thing) when worn by the above (and I mean girls, not Led Zeppelin or A1) seriously float my boat. Mmm grrr etc.

I have stolen a lot more than the average person…I just seem to get away with it all the time. A smiley personality gets you loads of free stuff

Sorry for dragging this up, but I have shagged a best mate’s girlfriend in my mum & dad’s bathroom while he was in my bedroom next door. Afterwards, she cried rape and it meant quite a poo-chute of trouble. Here’s the weird bit - She apologised to me and admitted her lie to her boyfriend. He promptly forgave us both, then used to bring her round my house, set up a ‘fake argument’ and abandon her at my house, upon which his girlfriend and I would rumpy, and indeed pumpy, like rabbits on Dextrosol. He never asked any questions, so that's how it qualifies as a guilty secret. She was very attractive too (rswipe, if you look like she did, I’ll be v.happy!)

Another girl and I had a kind of mutual attraction thing for years but we were always seeing other people. We bumped into each other years later when I was single, and we went for a drink. She then said that she had set up the whole ‘bump into’ thing because she wanted to shag the arse off me. 'Get in there', I thought, and carried on drinking. Unfortunately, when we went back to her house I spent the entire night trying to get my cock to raise to any size bigger than a button mushroom. I failed. I think the phrase is ‘trying to play snooker with a piece of string’. I haven’t seen her since but I told everybody that I nailed her.

I am also addicted to posting christ-on-a-bike lengthy posts on B3ta (not a secret I admit, in fact, pretty bleeding obvious!)

Ps. (Don’t click ‘I like this’ I just want to forget about this post as soon as it’s on)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:19, Reply)

My word
Rachelswipe seems to have her own cult! Well, guilty secret time. I once managed to fuck up the database at the visa department for the home office. I dread to think the amount of damage I did... incidentally, why doesn't rachel post a picture of herself in her profile?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Gay Paris
ten years ago I was driving my little black Fiat 'round the streets of Paris when some twunt in a flash Merc cut me up in a tunnel. So I flash my lights and the git skids and slams in to a pillar. Found out later it was some blonde peace and her Eygptian boyfriend. I felt guilty but my greek mate Phil thought it was well funny.
shhhhh.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:11, Reply)

me and my sister used to hollow out sweets
and put dog shit in them and give them to kids we didnt like who always ate them..

:)
(ThePainKiller :/, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 13:01, Reply)

I'll have to kill you all.....
The first cd I ever bought wound up being a toss up between the Spice girls and East 17.

I bought East 17 and listened to it once...
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 12:58, Reply)

Rachelswipe & Kroney.
I too fucking LOVE the ginge from girls aloud! Its the moody expression. Gets me off every time!
(Gimli son of Gloin., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 12:33, Reply)

theif..
not so much of a guilty secret but he never worked it out.. there was a guy that i used to work with in my old job who was forever stealing pens from peoples desks, now we didnt think that it was intentional, he would come over ask something then go to write it down but had no pen.. so "borrowed" one from your desk and then dissappeard..

we all started to get quite tired of this so started celotaping all of his pens to the underside of his desk, everytime he got a pen from somewhere it ended up being stuck under his desk, we also started sticking other peices of stationary under this deski, this went on for 6 odd months before he left..

he never knew where they went and never really asked any questions.. was fun to see the look on his face when another one goes missing,

sounds quite sad now to be honest but was fun at the time..
(SuckYourMum, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 12:04, Reply)

Nephew
Does having sex with your (ex) girlfriend in her nephew's bed count? (he wasn't there...)

What if he was only 8 and had a child's bed, and i'm 6 foot 2?

What if the bed covers had pictures of Noddy on them?

Meh
(Zutroy started without you, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 12:03, Reply)

Hmmm, not quite sure I should admit to this...
I may be unusual in this, but I prefer if women don't shave all of their pubic hair off. I'm not talking Terry Waite's allotment here - it should be trimmed neatly - but I do prefer a bit of minge fuzz rather than the polished finish that is becoming more popular these days.

That said, I wouldn't (and don't) let it put me off!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 11:41, Reply)

Not directly me but...
Two of my mates were returning to one of them's flat after a night on the piss, carrying a 2-litre bottle of cheap cider (as we all know, you don't need a reason, it just magically happens).
As they wandered, they passed a tramp, who said "Can ah have sip of ya drink, gents?"

They look at each other, then one of them says:

"You can have the whole bottle if you dance for us."

So the tramp gets up, and does a dance for them (a sort of sea shanty jig type thing quite good apparently). And then they parted, with all parties well pleased, the tramp with his alcohol and my friends having got a tramp to dance for them.





Why is this my guilty secret? Since I was told this story I have on occasions while returning from a night out obtained some cheap alcohol in the hope I will be approached* by a tramp and get him to dance.
So far no luck...

*asking the tramp would be cheating.
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 11:31, Reply)

click, click
guilty secret fantasy:
as we seem to be on the subject of random people we fancy, I've always had a thing for Mortica Adams,(from the original black and white TV series) that long dark hair and wiggle. Tip top.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 11:08, Reply)

My guilty secret?
I really, really couldn't care less about rachelswipe. We need a new QOTW. Or for people to use MSN Messenger for these conversations.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 11:06, Reply)

reallywittyname
No, but we're all now imagining it...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 11:04, Reply)

So...
has anyone here shagged rswipe in her parents' bed while her parents/grandparents/boyfriend/pet chinchilla was downstairs/listening in the next room/watching/passed out drunk on the floor?

Come on, out with it.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 11:03, Reply)

Guilty secret
One of my first records was Number One Rat Fan by Roland Rat with a fold out poster showing the 'dance moves'. I was also in the Roland Rat Fan Club.

In my defence, I was 20.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 11:02, Reply)

On the subject of music
More an embarrassing secret than a guilty one, my first records consisted of The Wombling Song (by the Wombles, of course) and Rolf Harris's Six White Boomers.

The B-sides of which were Remember You're a Womble and Waltzing Matilda, respectively.

Incidentally, that line "Remember You're a Womble" was used for many years as a football song, using the lyrics "The Referee's a Wanker".
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:57, Reply)