Gullible Sister
My sister is older than me but very naive and quite shy. Many a year ago we worked as waitresses together in a pub and she was writing the dessert menu on the chalkboard.

The chefs had made a different chocolate cake from the usual with fancy icing and stuff on it so she asked if it was called anything special. I told her it was an Italian Chocolate Treat with Fellatio Cream in the middle, knowing she'd check with the chefs who would rip her mercilessly for a few weeks as chefs are wont to do.

She told a table of twenty customers.

In retribution I had to then wait on the whole table by myself for the rest of the night because she refused to leave the kitchen, so uppance came, fear not.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:53, Reply)

A good way to settle an argument.
Me: Let's sort this out like men.
Stooge: Okay.
Me: Right, I'll kick you in the bollocks, then you kick me in the bollocks. The first one to back down loses.
Stooge: Okay.
*I give swift kick to stooge's nuts*
Me: You win.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:47, 1 reply)

London
ok, I'll own up on this one. Being a pervy kinda guy, I was taken in by this lassie in Soho on my LAST stay in London who promised me piles of porn of all sorts if I gave her some money. She would then take the money and go and get my porn. I started to think that she was not telling the truth when she would take my money, disappear, come back again, tell me they wanted more, me handing it over and her disappearing with about £150 of my money. I've visited Soho to see if she is there, still ripping people off. I would like to go up to her and say "hey, remember me. This is the LAST time you will be ripping people off..bitch" - *SMACK*

Edit: since you seem so interested, you are right, I was looking for different porn and didn't know where to get it...
(scotsbloke, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:43, 4 replies)

Ohhh... you reminded me!!!
Isle 'O Shite Trip.

As a Student I used to race mountainbikes downhill for a giggle.

To cut a long long long story short, the "Needles Park" group in the Dreaded Isle had said they'd host the Student Champs.... Woohoo!!

A Downhill course in the UK is doing well if it can boast a 50 meter (total) drop and a ride time of 2 minutes.

Needles park had a course with "a total 20 meter drop"... Still A bit sprinty .... we can still have a good laugh.... Until we GOT there.

20 meters to ride down... Yup.
Achieved by riding UP 15 meters half way through....

The top 6 positions in the "Downhill race" were won by sprinty Cross-Country types. The Horror...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:40, Reply)

Isle of Wight trip
Reading through the entries so far, there's quite a few stories about travel.

Mine begins on a coach on its way to the Isle of Wight. My dad used to travel to Southern League football grounds to follow his team (Corby Town FC). One of the away fixtures was at Newport, on the Isle of Wight.

Getting there meant a long coach ride from Corby followed by a ferry ride. I would sometimes tag along for the trip, as it meant a full day out doing a bit of sightseeing with the players.

To one of the youngest new players in Corby's team, this was his first ever trip away from home. The lad had recently joined the team and this was to be his first league game. He was about 15 years old and had led a bit of a sheltered life, so the other players conjured an initiation prank to welcome him into the team.

The coach arrived at the ferry port and my dad nipped off to speak to the port supervisor. After a minute or two of conversation, the supervisor made his way onto the coach donned in his official-looking yellow jacket and hat, security badge proudly on display.

"Passports please" said the official. The smirking players began producing their documents one after the other as he went down the bus, heading toward the back where the new boy was sitting with me and a couple of the other lads, looking worried.

We began nonchalantly comparing our passport photos and taking the piss out of each other as the guy made his way towards us, while the poor kid next to me whispered "I didn't bring one, I haven't got a passport!"

He was clearly terrified. The port supervisor arrived and asked for each of our passports in turn, before finally getting to the newbie.

"No passport? Dear oh dear. I'll have to call the port police. You're currently in international territory and I can't let you back onto UK mainland soil without one either, so you'll have to remain here until the passport office can process one for you. Should only take a few days..."

And with that, the port supervisor summoned port security on his walkie-talkie. The players unboarded and watched as the white-faced teenager was bundled into the back of a battered port security Ford Sierra with a flashing orange light on the top.

The car drove off and went around the block a few times before bringing him back to the players, who were waiting on the ferry, laughing mercilessly. He looked like he'd been sick, judging by the state of his club jacket. That went down well with the other lads too.

The new boy had the last laugh though - he scored twice in the game and Corby won convincingly.
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:34, Reply)

Moo sack
I was convinced that the 80's rock compilation I bought was the best ever in the world.
Then they brought out best ever 2.
And 3.
And 4.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:22, 1 reply)

its interesting no one has said last yet,
o_O
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:16, 9 replies)

without doubt
it has to be the Angel of the North, thats my most gollybrill monument.

although the Heavy Horse is pretty cool.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:08, 8 replies)

There is a joke my friend likes to tell at the pub.
'Knock knock'
'Who's there?'
'Interrupting slap'

...

It sometimes works :D
( Walrus Man Think hippy thoughts, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:57, 2 replies)

Well.
.
I've changed my profile using web-wizardry so that the people I like can see my real profile and the people I don't like see what they deserve.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:52, 12 replies)

I was told...
I was told that the QOTW changed on a Thursday morning.

Fucksocks.
(whyamihere, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:51, 1 reply)

I once bought gear from a street dealer in Camden
nuff said
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:42, 1 reply)

The QOTW changes earlier than you think.
The new QOTW is actually created earlier than you think. I was chatting to someone who knows rob about this. It just takes time for the links page to get updated.

Infact the new QOTW is running now. So go take a look at the new one. Tell us stupid things you've done and gotten away with it.

www.b3ta.com/questions/gottenaway

Oh and you're too late. I already got in with the first post :D
(Miggyman, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:22, 6 replies)

Don't believe the hype!
Film hype. It's a pain in the arse, really. I try not to get sucked in by it (and I STILL haven't been to see the Dark Knight, despite really wanting to); I like to make my own mind up about these things. However, a few years ago I allowed myself to be reeled in and spat out by the movie-marketing machine thanks to:

- An internet marketing ploy;
- Extremely good 'word of mouth' reviews;
- Generally good reviews in the press (they surely can't be wrong, can they)?;
- And the killer consensus that this was surely 'the scariest film ever made'.

And so it was that, armed with a bucket of popcorn and a change of underwear, I went off to my local multiplex, ready to be entertained, thrilled, scared witless, and quite possibly do a Pooflake and spectacularly shit myself...

I emerged a bit later feeling nauseous, but not in an 'oh my god that was pant-shittingly scary' way. No, the hand held camera work had done that all on its own. I also felt a bit conned by the whole experience. Scary? I've been more scared taking the bins out... (then again, it was a 15 certificate - in retrospect I should have realised).

So I endured about 80 minutes of three unknown 'actors' pretending to make a documentary in some woods in America; being generally unpleasant to each other as the 'film' wore on; and waiting to be scared like I'd never been scared before. Only to leave with a crushing sense of (a) disappointment and (b) that I may have to do a little sick into my popcorn bucket.

Blair Witch Project, I'm looking at you. You utter waste of celluloid.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:15, 9 replies)

When I was younger
I used to hang out at my friend Duncan's house (we are no longer friends I'm sure this story will come out in a future QOTW)

His mum looked after the neighbour's young kids some of the time and on this one occasion, for reasons lost in the mists of time, I was persuading one of these kids that I had somewhere in the region of 1000 grandfathers.

He was looking sceptical, but I perservered. He seemed to accept what I was saying after a while and I settled back to bask in the glow of a job well done.

Then I heard him mutter to his younger brother "he must be lying, I bet he's only got about 40"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:57, 2 replies)

My name is Kit.
People often ask what it is short for.
I like to tell them it's short for 'Kitchen'.

If they don't look skeptical at this point, I follow it up with 'because I was conceived on our kitchen table'.

It cracks me up how many people believe it.
(trumpet, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:52, 4 replies)

I convinced all my mates
that sometimes when people want to draw a cock, they'll hide it by doing a car or a boat or something like that instead - so that if you see an ad with a big tree or a telephone pole in it, that probably means the guy who did it wanted to do a cock.

I also convinced them that I fancied my Mum!

Mind you I was a bit off my head on coke at the time.

Signed,
Sigmund Freud.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:18, 2 replies)

"I'm better than you"
My brother, 2 years older than me was a devious git. He knew that I'd do anything to equal or better him when I was younger, and took advantage of it. Regularly.

One summer's afternoon he carefully demonstrated the art of passing a paint-can (aerosol) from one hand to the other while shaking it... This continually shaking Transfer - he assured me - was a sure-fire way of proving that you were coordinated. It took a matter of seconds for me to discover that his coordination was far greater than mine.

Noticing that I wanted to practice this, he threw a smaller spray-can to me and said "Here.. do it with this one: It's harder, but if you manage to keep a rhythm with this one you'll manage it with any of them"

10 minutes of "jiggling up and down and transferring can from hand to hand at the same time" followed and I had it cracked!! My arms were aching like buggery and my brow hurt from the frown-lines of pre-pubescent concentration.... I scampered off to find my brother and demonstrate my new-found coordination. Stood there, arms jerking up and down like a clockwork tin-soldier having a fit I proved my skills....

"You look like an idiot... here.. give me that.. and Thanks for doing the shaking."

The Scheming bastard then proceeded to spray his bike with the perfectly shaken spray-can.
.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:11, Reply)

I gave all my money to a drug dealer
He told me the drugs were stashed round the corner. He went round the corner. I stayed where I was. He never came back. The fucker.
(se8card, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:09, 2 replies)

If you look up "gullible" in the dictionary...
...you'll find a picture of my grade eight best friend, Chris Watson. I use his name in the expectation that he doesn't know how to use a computer, and that his name is common enough.

Anyway, I was the evil genius nerd and he was my big lunkheaded friend, foil, and victim. I used every opportunity to outwit him, sometimes just for the sport of it.

1/4: He invited me over to show me the porn magazine he'd somehow obtained. I ended up going over there each week, and hatched a cunning plan to take it. The plan? Stuff it in my backpack and hope everything turns out alright. He cornered me the next day, and I suggested maybe he left it out and his dad found it. Got me off the hook.

A long time after this, he had a larger porn collection, and that went missing only to turn up later in his father's closet. I asked if the skin mag he'd accused me of stealing was in there. He answered "Yes." To this date I don't believe in karma.

2/4: He had this interesting delusional habit where he would pick a persona and live it for a time. For a month, he was The Nature Boy Ric Flair, he was the Narcissus (both WWE wrestlers), he was Captain Kirk (and I was naturally his Vulcan sidekick), and for the longest period, he was Lord Vader. I always enjoyed playing into his delusions.

Every Sunday I went to my Ukrainian grandmother's house, where I learnt that "You stupid" in Ukrainian is (pronounced phonetically): "tih durnay." So I went to Lord Vader and told him "tih durnay" is Klingonese for "Hail the lord." I got half our class shouting "You stupid!" at him, only for him to respond genially with "That's right" or "Thank you." It went on for months, and he didn't learn the truth until the next academic schoolyear.

3/4: The "tih durnay" secret was revealed to him by a mutual friend who was angry at me for something. Knowing that a good pummelling was imminent, I decided the only alternative was to allow him onto the ground level of another, similar prank.

I chose the word "shusnak," another Ukrainian word, this time meaning "garlic." I told him that it really meant something rude (can't remember what now). And I told Chris (no longer Lord Vader at this point) that I'd convinced my other friend Greg that it means "Nice hair." Of course it doesn't--it means garlic. Then I let Greg in on the whole thing, and told him that every time Chris says "shusnak" to him, he has to run a hand through his hair and say "Thanks." It happened once, and sent Chris into fits of laughter and made Greg wonder if I was being truthful to him. Kept me from getting beat up, at any rate.

4/4: Chris was angry at me. Yeah, I know, not much of a surprise. Maybe it's from the time I pulled his chair back as he was sitting down, and he hit the back of his head hard. Or maybe it's because I kicked him full force square in the nuts because he was being too aggressive in a football game. Doesn't really matter now.

How could I get out of this one? By promising to complete his science homework. It was a simple fill-in-the-blanks worksheet, single page double-sided, and we marked our own papers in class while the teacher read out the correct answers, after which we were on the honour system to report to the teacher the correct grade. I had to complete the assignment myself, so it was really no trouble at all, just copying 20 words.

I gave the dumbest possible answer for every question. On that sheet, I think he ended up with 30%. As we were marking them in class, Chris glared at me from the far side of the classroom.

After class, he was furious. So I promised to do the next one for him. One week later, and he's glaring at me in class as he's marking his worksheet, only to find that it's even worse than last time.

Well, he was having none of it. In the hallway after class he confronted me, and I promised to do the next worksheet for him. The cycle was broken, however, as he was absent when we were marking that one in class. Sometimes I wonder how long I could've kept it going.

We fell out of touch the next year, as I was placed in the smart kids class along with all my smart kids friends. By high school we drifted apart. I later heard he started doing coke and helped break into the school computer lab to steal equipment for drug money. Apparently his conscience got the better of him and he turned himself and his partners-in-crime in, getting all three of them expelled. I honestly have no idea where he is now.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 10:40, 1 reply)

I'm not very good at maintaining a straight face while setting someone up...
...but I did convince my brother when he was a wee little pineapplesibling that the bridge connecting north and south Perth was lit up across the whole span to prevent low flying planes from colliding with it as they ferry people along the river.

A fact that he proudly related to his school mates as "100% fact, my sister told me and she's an engineer".

He doesn't trust me anymore :-( (with good reason)
(pineappleunderthesea mortal enemy of the apple since, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 9:58, Reply)

Pachelbels Canon in D
I was force-fed music to a seriously high level at school (see "on the stage" QOTW to get a rough Idea) and had regular disagreements with the tweed-clad establishment that ran the Music School.

One of them spat "DOCTOR" at you if you called him "Mister", so I dug into his past. His Doctorate was based around the life and times of one of Mozart's lesser known daughters... Whoopty-Fucking Doo: he SURE owned that doctorate.

So. Time to take the pipe-smoking mincing mother-lover down a peg. He was to give a lecture on music on a parent's day, and asked for music students to research certain pieces for him. Pachelbel's Canon in D was the one that I was lumbered with.

My "Research" laboured around the ficticious point that Pachelbel was infact a woman, and had to assume the identity of a man in order to gain respect for her music.

Our "Doctor" whittered on about this infront of all the parents of the school's Musicians at good length with an air of smugness about him that was stunning.

It was the equivalent of the Pope telling the world that ... and it's a little known fact ... that it's ok for priests to bugger choir-boys, and that Jesus was a girl..

All parents sniggered at him for a long time afterwards.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 9:58, 2 replies)

Did you know that "Please please me" by the Beatles...
...is a request from John Lennon to his then girlfriend to give him a blowjob, after the thorough licking he gave her the night before?

If so, then I can take the credit. I came out with this one day in the 6th form common room after hearing the song on the radio the previous night, while stoned. After a bit of "You're joking" it was agreed that this was actually pretty possible. I've not heard this factoid recently, so it's probably time to start it up again.

Feel free to pass this on.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 9:12, Reply)

Poseidon Adventure
I read on Snopes.com that when the Titanic sank, D.W. Griffith's silent-film version of "The Poseidon Adventure" was being screened onboard. I believed it too, since the purpose of Snopes is to debunk urban myths.

Turns out Snopes salts their debunking efforts with outright lies, in order to catch the gullible and subject them to ridicule. Always use more than one source to do fact-checking, Snopes says.

My "friends" still laugh over that....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 8:59, 1 reply)

Sacked
I was once on a routine missing persons search for the Empire, two droids that were believed to have absconded together. Well, it so happens we stopped a passing landspeeder with two droids in accompanied by boy and a kindly old gentleman.

Now these droids matched the descriptions perfectly so I asked the usual questions. You know, how long have you had them? Do you have any identification? Well, the old guy kinda waves his hand and tells me I don't need to see his identification, that they aren't the droids we're looking for and they can go about their business.

He seemed like such a genuine, gentle guy that I believed him and let them on their way. I don't know what the hand thing was about though.

So anyways, the next day guess what I find out. They WERE the droids we were looking for! Lord Vader was pissed. I got hauled up in front of a military tribunal and was found guilty of gross incompetence. I was thrown out of the army, my Imperial pension was refused and now I make my living exterminating womp rats.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 7:57, 1 reply)

one time i accidently got hit by a cat and this guy was like a cat did not hit you and i was all like, okay.

( d d, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 4:20, 2 replies)

Feline Money Machine
As a kid I spent some time convincing my younger brother that if he licked the cat's arse hole, 50 quid would come out of his mouth.

After several attempts (and no 50 quid funnily enough) I told him he was not doing it properly. Cue more concerted attempts (very ill to watch).

Anyway wandered off and left him to it. Parents were less than amused when they discovered his new hobby several days later (the poor bugger was still trying).
(Mandrill, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 3:24, Reply)

I was just reading throught these answers and was inspired by the "Willie Nelson Just Died" one....
As my wifey usually sends a few emails to me through the day I thought I'd casually slip the "Willie" into one of my replies. Below is the transcript (complete with unrelated shit)...

Wifey: 10.11am Hiya there
Could you please follow up with Lynette this morning for me? I did explain it on the voice mail, but I really do need it followed up today, coz I really need it posted today so sarah gets it tomorrow.
Also Tina asked if I would like to go to the movies with her on fri night if we can find somewhere that’s still showing S.A.T.C? would this be ok with you if I did?

Love you

Me 11.19am: I really dont want to,
but guess I have to seeing as you clearly haven't wanted to do it either.
yeah movies is fine.

Just found out Willie Nelson died.

xo

Wifey 11.42am: But I did try ringing her, and left a msg with all the details last night. Just want you to call her to confirm she got the msg and that she can get onto it asap.

Oh that’s sad, what from? I didn’t realise he was even sick.

xxoo

Me 11.46am: He was playing on the road again

xo:)

Wifey 11.47am: Did he really die?

Me 11.50am: *strokes head gently*
Nooo Bronwyn, he did not die.
It was all part of a meeean meeean joke your boyfriend played on you:(

*hugs*

Wifey 11.53am: You dickhead!!!!!! I just told everyone in the office that he had!!!!!


RESULT PLUS!!!
I got a text message soon after infoming me that I was a "fuckwit".
She also called a bit after that and it turns out that she is still struggling as to how to tell everyone that he is not really dead.

This has made my day.
Thanks for the inspration B3ta! :):):)
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 3:18, 4 replies)

Question of the week...

I have it on good information that due to the popularity of this weeks QOTW it will now roll over and be next weeks QOTW too!*


No more lurking at work refreshing B3ta waiting for next weeks question.













* I suck at humour!
(Something funny, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 1:03, Reply)