"So ... I've been living in Brixton for a year, now - what do you guys think of Brixton?"
*awkward silence*

"Erm ... this is Notting Hill, darling - we don't go to Brixton."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 11:02, 11 replies)

I was going to post this as a comment to the story below about Bill Hicks but felt it warrented its own airing.
I took my Dad to see Ken Dodd a few years ago. Doddy's age is showing a little more these days but he's still a great comedian from an age that we won't see again. Show usually go on for 5 hours...

Anyway, I got front row seats in the hope that Doddy would pick on my old man. Sadly, there was a bloke next to me who Doddy had discovered was from Wigan, so he spent most of his time making fun out of him.

When he asked the guy what he did for a living, the audience member (without breaking stride) said "I'm a tax accountant".

Doddy, with his well-documented history of tax problems, tottered visibly and said "By Jove! You're not are you?"

The bloke just said "no" and laughed.

Doddy muttered something like "ooo, you little rotter" or something equally lovely and gave a big goofy grin. Shook hands with the bloke at the end too. Good old Ken.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 11:00, 8 replies)

Heisenheckle
I was at a Bill Hicks show here in Brighton, and the Great Man was engaging in a little audience interaction. But he was having trouble understanding the accent of one of the audience members, so asked him where he was from.

"Cleveland" came the response.

Naturally, Mr Hicks had no idea that there was a Cleveland in the UK, so simply assumed that the bloke was taking the piss. An accidental heckle! I think he was puzzled by the reaction of the rest of the audience, too.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 10:42, 6 replies)

I dunno, heckles are funnier when you are there...
I remember going to see a bald headed chap perform stand-up. He wasn't the funniest person in the world, although, he did ask if anyone had any questions.

Some guy piped up at the back, "How come you're bald?"
He replied, "Because every time I suck your dad's cock he pats me on the head."

Funniest part of his routine. Probably planned it, looking back.
( $$ ✅, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 10:28, 2 replies)

Is this the one where everyone on B3ta just tells everyone else on B3ta that the comedian they like is shit as if humour isn't subjective?
Yay. Can't wait.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 10:02, 10 replies)

I remember going to see Easy Rider, and someone shouted out "Oi Pete - are you a dick?!" with impeccable timing, just as the actor was about to deliver the line "Yes"
I was very impressed at this staged Fonda accord.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 9:53, 1 reply)

The great Jack Dee
At the Wyvern in Swindon. Some slightly drunk girl shouts "Are you coming down the Brunel Rooms with us afterwards?".

JD stops his routine. "What's that, then?"

"It's a club!"

JD adopts his trademark sneer. "Only Swindon would name a night club after an engineer."
(rogerzilla, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 6:23, 3 replies)

In the 19th Century
Every American university campus features a loudmouth evangelist who shows up at lunchtime to harangue the sinning students. The University of Arizona was diabolically hot in the usual Tucson noontime oven heat when I decided to step into the ring of students surrounding the evangelist and rebuke him. So, I cleared my throat and pompously declaimed: "In the 19th Century..." From somewhere in the audience someone sarcastically echoed: "In the 19th Century..." And that was that - I was possessed by Satanic demons. As if cursed, I lost my train of thought and had to retreat in the face of ridicule.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 22:16, Reply)

I once went to a stand up comedy night at the end of a stag do.
I was surprisingly sober at the end of the night due to the sneaky cunt of a cunt who had the whip getting him and his sidekick cheeky shots of tequila with every round. Anyway. That's the reason I can remember the following exchange at the end of the night.

Act- Unfunny joke, unfunny joke, slightly witty comment referring to something he said 10 minutes earlier that the majority of the pissed up crowd have forgotten.'

Wag at the back- 'Hurry up and get to the funny stuff mate, I want to catch the last tube.'

Act- Oh blimey, I see the council are doing their care in the community night tonight. If I'd have known I'd have put some orange squash out and some crayons and a colouring book under your chair.'

Wag- Still waiting. Can you give us a rough ETA on a punchline?'

Act- Sorry about this everyone, I'd thought this might happen, His Mum warned me that he'd be tonight and he'd left his medication at home. At least I think that's what she said, I couldn't quite make it out as she had a trucker's cock in her mouth, and I couldn't really read her body language as I was behind her with the camera.'

-general 'hahaha, he's done you there from the rest of the boozed up crowd-

Act- 'Do you want to carry on? I get paid to do this and can do it all night.'

Wag- 'That's exactly what Your mother said to ME last night. I didn't have a camera, but I did have my cock in her arse.'

-Slightly louder hahaha, he's done you there from the rest of the boozed up crowd-

Wag- And she owes me two pound fifty in change you cunt.'
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 20:58, 2 replies)

Royston Vasey
Many eons past, when I was an impressionable teenager (no, I didn't do impressions), I went to see a Chubby Brown gig. As any of you who has seen his act will know, it's a cocktail of swearing, bad taste and misogyny and the crowd consists largely of beered-up blokes.

On this particular occasion, one of the aforementioned Neanderthals shouted something incomprehensible at Chubby, who appeared to ignore the heckle and move into his next gag, which went something like,
"The average length of a cock is 5 inches and the average depth of a fanny is also 5 inches. Some are deeper than that. We call these useless cunts... and there's a six-foot tall one sitting over there."

Not a great line, and I'm sure it was well-used, but I've remembered it for 30 years in the vain hope that I'll one day get chance to use it.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 12 Jun 2014, 19:58, 8 replies)

Actually, you'll find it's YOU that's upset.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 18:15, 11 replies)

My mate Welsh Dave
My mate Dave is from Cardiff. He speaks with a strong Welsh accent. When he gets the inevitable comment about shagging sheep, he gives a stock answer of :

'We shag our sheep mate. But thats only cos we know you English eat them afterwards'.
(chutneyweasel, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 16:54, 7 replies)

When Michael Barrymore tried a supremely ill-advised post-fatal pool fisting comeback tour, some guy started shouting incoherent stuff at him at one gig
Ever the professional, Barrymore came back with something like "If you're going to interrupt, at least speak up. It sounds like you're out in the car park."

"I bloody wish I was", came the reply.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 16:01, 8 replies)

Fuck off QOTW, you're past it.

( Zuowan, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:59, 2 replies)

We should get that b3tan who did stand up to perform the script I wrote about cross-channel collusions regarding personal dentistry.
Yes - we should get Piston: my Un Mouth
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:56, Reply)

A friend of mine "scored" tickets to a recording of BBC Radio 4 comedy show.
Now, it wasn't something with famous people (Just A Minute, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue etc) but some tedious generic pissflap called Look Away Now. It was loosely based on sport from what I can remember, but by Christ is was shit.

This "shit" element appeared to bypass most of the audience who all obediently hooted with laughter at every obvious joke and it appeared that I was in for a torrid time. Even my friend was finding it funny. She is a bit dull though.

Anyway, step in my night's saviour. He and his wife were sat next to me and he had clearly been soaking alcohol up like a sponge before entering the auditorium. He'd made a few comments in the quiet moments, but nothing too bad, just lazily commenting on whatever the last punchline was, that sort of thing. His missus had enough of his embarrassing behaviour and stomped out, leaving him on his own.

His final throw of the dice was waiting for another quiet bit and yelling out "this is fucking shit!!" before a nervy usher came over and suggested that he might be better off outside.

I often wonder if this person and his missus actually existed or if they just represented something in my head.

I've just checked, and somehow that show had 4 series. How incredibly shit.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:46, 10 replies)

I made an annoucement at a sales meeting and I said "You are all doomed!"
Some wag said, "It is, we are all doomed"

He was incorrect on many levels.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:23, Reply)

For reasons unknown, a mate* ended up with two pairs of tickets to see Eddie Izzard.
He took his girl on the first night, during which Izzard was heckled, and put the heckler down very impressively - quick, funny, effective - nice. Just what he'd come for.

He ended up taking a mate with the other pair of tickets to the next night, where the same heckle came at the same time, eliciting the same put-down.




*Actually a mate, but he's known for his grumpiness, so this could be entirely untrue.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:18, 8 replies)

I'll try to keep it down.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=CH-70S8Dn_0

Sure this guy was in Breaking Bad too. On that car lot thing.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:13, 3 replies)

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:04, 11 replies)

an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Jew walk into a pub
and they all think you're a cunt.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 15:03, 7 replies)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 14:53, Reply)

ANYONE WHO POSTS LOADS OF PICTURES WILL BE NAUGHTY STEPPED

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 14:51, 4 replies)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 14:43, 6 replies)

Something, something, piston_broke, something.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 14:43, 12 replies)

A little scud-heckle there ...

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Jun 2014, 14:40, Reply)

CAN YOU DO ANY CLIFF RICHARD?
This was at some generic Nu-Metal wankers.
EDIT: Fuck, I'm the warm-up act.
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 12 Jun 2014, 14:39, 1 reply)