( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 22:43, 7 replies)

'About 300 people have paid to come here tonight, because I'm a professional. Just like your mum was'.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 20:53, 2 replies)

I disagree ... this is the greatest question ever and scaryduck isn't a pointless lonely old fuck who should die in pain and misery.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 20:40, 4 replies)

I agree, this question isn't very good.

(Noosepeg Muff punched your grandma, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 19:44, 2 replies)

This question's shit and should fuck off

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 18:38, Reply)

I posted a story about my hilarious comeback skills and then other users were mean to me and I couldn't think of any comebacks for them and waaaahhh

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 18:15, 3 replies)

I was at a comedy gig where somebody gets paid to be clever and funny at people
but I was cleverer and funnier than them and everybody laughed and I'm awesome.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 16:47, 5 replies)

Reader, she married me.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 16:04, 5 replies)

I went to a pantomime and the heckling was really monotonous.
"He's behind you!"

The actors on the stage would have none of it and insisted that he wasn't behind them. I forget the rest and missed a lot of the show because Tony spilt Ki-ora on my dungarees and made me cry.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 12:51, 13 replies)

Best I ever heard back to a heckler
"Your father should have settled for the hand job"
(jerrykew He who codes last, codes least, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 10:06, 5 replies)

Heckling the audience
I was at a comedy cabaret type affair, and behind me was a group that included a girl who, it appeared, had no discernable sense of humour. The first couple of acts she didn't enjoy much, which was apparent from her comments. But the third act really got to her.

It was Mac McDonald, famous as Captain Hollister from Red Dwarf. Now I have to say it wasn't a great act; all I remember about it was him stuffing bread into his mouth. But I wasn't really able to pay attention, as I had the constant whine of her complaints directly behind my left ear the whole time. "I don't think this is funny." "I don't find this funny at all." "Why would anyone find this funny?" etc etc etc.

Eventually, he finished, left the stage, and there was a momentary pause. "Well I think - " began the girl, but before she could continue I turned around and, in a loud voice, said "Yes love, I think the whole room knows what you think by now, so could you please shut the fuck up now?"

There was a cheer from many of the punters around her, but that was as nothing compared to the howls of derisive laughter from the people she was actually with. For the rest of the show, they wouldn't let her say a single word.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 9:06, 11 replies)

I got seated in the front row at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles last year and this right cunt of a comedian was asking everyone one by one what they did for a living and subsequently taking the piss out of each person rather tastelessly. He wasn't all that funny, just mean spirited and was drawing at strings to keep his act together. He made fun of my choice of clothing and then asked me what I did for a living. I promptly lied and told him that I am a comedy scout for HBO looking for new talent and that I had yet to see anything worth writing home about. Audience laughed, he stopped in his tracks, moved on to someone else, got no crowd reaction and ended his set early. Edit: Yeah that's right I said "drawing at strings"
( smearballs double bag it!, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 22:34, 17 replies)

Tony Newley?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 19:44, 4 replies)

Has anyone mentioned Pistonbroke/ Jimbob/ The Luggage yet?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 18:40, 7 replies)

I think the board has lost the crowd
and should just get off the stage. Who's on next?
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 16:32, 11 replies)

Am I the only one
thoroughly enjoying the irony in all this?
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 16:13, 3 replies)

Top flouncing from bellboy just then, don't expect anyone will trump it.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 14:55, 4 replies)

pea please bob
Not a heckle as such but involves a putdown. Best I've got right now.

I was in a rather posh eaterie recently with 20 or so people who were all good friends celebrating a birthday - i'm the new bloke here so was feeling slightly awkward but was doing my best to integrate.

one guy clearly fancied himself as the alpha male, huge big bloke with a shaven head. (i'm a short stocky glaswegian) So alpha male is generally a bit pissed and acting up - in front of everyone, out of the blue he suddenly looks me in the eye and goes...

"so Spimf whats it like to suck a dogs cock?"

silence falls across the table

"dunno mate - have you asked your mum?"

(i swear someone gasped in the background)

alpha male leaps up and bellows

"my mum died when i was only seven you bastard!"

"yeah? what happened, choked on a dogs cock did she?"

then in my best attempt at Joe Pesci...

"fuck you ya bald cunt - I'm not buying that. sit down and drink your fucking malibu"

thankfully for me it would seem his mother is alive and well







i think she works at battersea dogs home
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 14:42, 9 replies)

My brother was at that Cambridge being all clever at that Mathematics back in them 1990s
In his final year he had a fancy flat style device in which to house himself and his gubbins. I was over to visit, mainly to play olde tyme vidya-gums on his Macintosh whilst he was away doing something productive and scholarly.

Whilst taking a break from conquering space and time itself, I went out onto the first floor balcony to take in the view. Who should I spy not some 200 yards distant but John 'Inspector Morse' Thaw, having some similar balcony based larks. Time for some belligerent fun, I thought, save for the inclusion of the word 'belligerent', which I didn't know the meaning of at that time.

"Solve this one, Sherlock!" I smugly said in my own voice in my own head and let out a confusing yelp, carefully intoned to be part cry of distress, part existential bleat and part exuberant throat bugle (if anyone has ever seen the Mulligan & O'Hare Vic-n-Bob sketches, it was very much modelled on Bob's yell that finished a lot of their songs). The telly sleuth reacted in a flash, slowly turning his head in my direction and mustering his best middle distance frown.

I ducked, giggling and crept back to my game, safe in the knowledge that Thaw wouldn't be sleuthing his way to the bottom of that obnoxious mystery. Years later he died of heart boo-boos and I like to think my drive-by shouting had something to do with it.

God that's awful. Too late now though. SCIENCE BLESS YOU!
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 14:36, 8 replies)

I'VE JUST REALISED SOMETHING
Something mega

Something meta

We're thru the looking-glass here, fans...

MOST OF THE REPLIES ON HERE... ARE HECKLES!!!

Rassilon's Rigid ROD!

Off now for a cup of tea and a lie down, sweeties!

XXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 12:03, 8 replies)

Less heckle more audience participation
I saw Sean Lock at Leeds City Varieties, he was alright.

At the interval there was a very drunk Irish man outside who started singing and a lot of people saw him.

When everyone sat back down Sean came back on stage and asked people if they'd had a good interval, and for some unknown reason someone shouted "A drunk Irish man was singing outside!"

Sean Lock said "A drunk Irish man was singing outside? What was he singing?"

The guy that had shouted out didn't answer as I think he realised that he had started a shit story. For some reason, and I still don't know why I did this I thought to myself ""what would a drunk man sing?""

So I just started making very loud slurred noises like "Errbadur boh hup murnur", it was a very convincing drunk man song. Everyone in the theatre laughed and I went bright red and looked at the floor.

Still pretty proud of that though.
(PunkDaddy NullPointerException, Sun 15 Jun 2014, 19:30, 6 replies)

I once told Mark Thomas to get his tits out
he ripped me a new one of course, and it felt lovely :D
( lustreboy making himself laugh since 1973 (tm), Sun 15 Jun 2014, 19:20, 3 replies)

Finger Clickin' Dead
Another one from me sweeties! Aren't you the lucky ones!

My last incarnation (SORRY all these stories are about my last incarnation, but my current one is only a few weeks old and I haven't got up to much in it! Yet!!!) once visited a comedy club and witnessed a very poor comedian indeed get his come-uppance (ooer).

His name was Sammy Smiley and he was a 'music hall' type old fashioned comedian a bit like Arthur Atkinson of off out of off the Fast Show. His act was pretty dull, and he would punctuate each joke by clicking his fingers just before the punchline, e.g.:

'A prostitute walks up to a tramp, flashes her wares and says, "Super sex!" And the tramp replies [CLICK!] - "can I have the soup, please?" '

Terrible, though to my shame I think I actually laughed.

Anyway, he concluded his act - and, as it transpired, his existence - by singing us a song. It was called 'I'm A Paedo' and went like this:

I'm a paedo, a paedo
I love to fuck yer kids
I get off on yer offspring, yer sexy saucepan lids
My hero's Jimmy Saville, or perhaps Gary Glitter
So let me fuck your children [CLICK!] up the shitter

He wasn't so much heckled as eviscerated. The enraged audience constructed a Mare of Steel out of beercans in the pub carpark and made him ride it.

Laters sweeties!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 15 Jun 2014, 16:25, 13 replies)

less heckling, more weird encouragement
a late uncle of mine, a total pisshead, was always to be found in his local on a sunday night, getting drunk and waiting for the singer to start. when that week's turn started, he'd stand in front of the stage(the middle of the dancefloor) and gently raise and lower his hands and bend his knees to the rhythm, saying "give it the bits, baby!"
nobody knew why, but it certainly threw a few singers off their beat.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 15 Jun 2014, 16:02, 9 replies)

Play some Slayer
There's a running joke that involves waiting for a gap at a music event, and then shouting "Play some Slayer!". It's the funniest joke ever.

Anyway, some years back I was at a Nine Inch Nails concert and so between songs I shouted "Play some Slayer!"

Of course, I didn't have a microphone whereas Trent Reznor did, so when he replied, "No, I'm not playing any Fall Out Boy", I could hardly defend myself.

Dour goths are secretly well lol.
(Eukanuba, Sat 14 Jun 2014, 20:00, 8 replies)