I trod
in a human poo whilst barefooted & pissed in the sand-dunes at The Warren beach in Abersoch many years ago.

Minutes after cursing and swearing about filthy tramp bastards crapping in public places; i was informed by my mate that it was me who had laid the aforementioned brown trout earlier on.

Its not my fault, it was dusk and i'd been drinking Woodpecker (i was a student) for 6 hours.
(nappy rash, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:51, Reply)

Dysentery and airport bombing
Luckily not at the same time...

The dysentery occurred while in Tanzania, and was far more unpleasant than most people realise when they laugh at me for it. Shivering cold in the equatorial sun during the day, and hot sweats preventing sleep at night (plus vomiting and the shits of course).
Luckily (but somewhat regrettably) I got swift attention in the hospital because I'm white.
In any case it rather spoiled part of my visit to Zanzibar, which despite this incident remains the best place I have ever been to.

The other thing happened on a holiday to Sri Lanka; a few days before we were due to fly home, we heard that the Tamil Tigers had cleverly managed to piss off the government by blowing up a dozen or so planes at the country's only international airport. I think they were mainly military planes rather than civilian, but it was still rather disconcerting to see the burnt out shells scattered around the airport as our plane taxied to the runway.
It was quite exciting really; and there was the possibility of us having to stay in the country a few more days for security reasons, which never happened in the end so I was kinda disappointed that we didn't blag an extended holiday from the event.

Go to East Africa and Sri Lanka, they're both wonderful areas.
But sometimes... shit happens.

Apologies for length of time before I squeezed that pun in.
(moik, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:40, Reply)

A few little travel tips from one who's learnt the hard way...
NEVER get in a "matatu" (decrepit old mini bus) from Nairobi to Mombassa unless you enjoy thinking you're going to die every five minutes.

Try not to confuse Efferdrine (legal amphetamine) with Valium (strong habit-forming tranquiliser) when out on the piss in Bangkok.
Just trust me on that one.

Don't agree to buy grass from locals in the Bahamas unless what you actually want is just grass from the side of the road.
( BobbyParadise, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:30, Reply)

14yr old. 2 litres of vodka. one night.
and a very pissed off ex bodybuilder dad of mate holding me and his son by the legs whilst we have fits and puke everywhere for 9 hours. good laugh thou, still have scars on my hands from it, oh no...thats a hobnob
(Formaly Over say's hello, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:27, Reply)

About 13 or 14 and dragged kicking and screaming
on an exchange trip to Paris, turned out alright in the end, the lad I swapped with was pretty ok and his family were fine too. One day we went on a touristy trip around Paris and went inside the Arc De Triomphe (yes you can go inside it!) anyway a mate pulls me to one side to show me a display when what suddenly happens? My sister grabs my arm, for a few uncomprehending seconds my brain tries and fails to understand how she can be here, hundreds of miles from home, turns out my folks had decided to 'try Eurostar' for the weekend, cue me rather red faced, especially when my mum gave me a massive kiss in front of my class...
( hypnochimp, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:16, Reply)

Bloody Wales....
I went along on a year 7 camp to Wales to help out (I'd just finished my GCSEs, it was a free activity holiday, and I love all that outdoors crap, so along I went.).

The first morning we were there we were woken up at about 6am by the sounds of shouting children. We poked our heads out of our tent and all these bastard kids had woken up at the crack of dawn, claiming they couldn't sleep, and were playing football etc in the yard of this campsite. We made them go back in their tents and had another few hours of sleep.

What I didn't realise was that for the teachers at least, school trips are just big pissups. We went out drinking pretty much every night with the schools money (We'd toast the headmaster at the beginning of every evening). After a particularly heavy night, I had been elected to help the kids with kayaking the next day as I'd done it plenty before. I had to be up at 7am, help all the kids get their helmets and oars etc, with only 2 hours sleep and the most rotten hangover you could imagine.

I did this, still pretty drunk and stinking of booze, and we got out onto the lake. I immediately dove right in to try and wake up a bit, realising afterwards I still had my mobile in my pocket. Great. Then one of the kids got stung by a wasp. Awesome. So I took this crying kid to the first aid thing, while he was being seen to I went into my tent to see if I could get some life out of my mobile, and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up at about 4pm to find out the kayaking lesson had been cut short because the health and safety folks say you need 2 instructors, and I had buggered off.

Oh and I got rope burns absailing, and a fat girl had a panic attack while we were potholing, I had to literally carry her out of this 40ft deep cave. Fat bitch.
(Jon Norris, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:15, Reply)

great days...
As a child my holidays were filled with 'fun-filled' scrapes and less fun emergencies and rapid change of plans: (background - we used to go on holiday to the Scilly Isles, off the Cornish coast - a ferry service ran between there and Penzance). On one particularly memorable holiday, on our way back the ferry was delayed and we missed our coach back to London by some time ... calls to the coach company revealed a) no more coaches until about 7am (by now it was about 10pm), and b) "you should go to the police" (??). Attempts to convince the family to sleep rough in Penzance harbour did not work, we went to the police station where they revealed that all hotels/b&bs were booked up due to it being a bank holiday weekend, and we ended up sleeping in the overnight detention cell (locked in) and pressing the emergency alarm switch every time we went to put the light on.

On another fun-filled trip to Cornwall, my mother fell off a boat, tore her knee cartilage and ruptured her anterior cruciate ligament and ended up in hospital for 3 days before a hasty exit home (later to have 3 ops). However, trusty travel insurance meant we could stay in a nice hotel (as opposed to the campsite we were staying in before) until we could go home.

Finally a school trip to Spain ended in chaos when we were forced to move hotels due to a fight between our school and a French one, during which a door was kicked down and a room trashed - the sight of my languages teacher screaming in (failing) French at the teacher from the other school will never leave me ...
(magicalell, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:14, Reply)

Stool sample
Was on an overland expedition in Kenya and had been feeling like utter shit for a few days (high temperature, shivering, very loose bowels, etc), so, on reaching some godforsaken town, our driver suggested I visit the doctor's surgery and get checked out for malaria. The nice plump lady doctor did all the tests then handed me a tiny blue pot with a little "spade" in the lid and told me to provide a stool sample. She also handed me a huge rusty key and gave me directions to a nearby yard where about 100 kids were playing football. The key, it turned out, was to unlock the door of the worst toilet in Africa (made the one in Trainspotting look like the Hilton). So there I am, squatting down in a roasting hot corrugated iron shack (with a football being constantly kicked against it)over a stinking hole in the earth trying not to throw up as I pebbledashed the "facilities". Remarkably I actually managed to get some liquid poo in the container in the end.
The whole episdode left me feeling profoudly depressed, I can tell you.
Didn't have malaria though.
Woo.

No apologies for length or consistency.
( BobbyParadise, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:14, Reply)

Cliff House, Penistone
School trip - lot of outward bound. In the attic of this huge building was exercise equipment, and climbing bars.
I managed to knock myself out on these.
At the weekend Parent visits were allowed. I showed them what I did. And did it again. (Matron was NOT lovely btw, although very soft and fluffy....)
(The real vlad the impala, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:05, Reply)

It was great
and the rides were really fun, and the rooms were cool, but they wouldn't let us leave and Michael kept making me do things...
(Garnett, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:03, Reply)

Hypothermia!
In a fit of child-like enthusiasm while on a family holiday in the algarve, i decided to take a small dingy out for a sail. apparently i had forgotten how to, and in force 5-6 offshore winds, i eventually found myself so far out at sea that i could only just still see land- the shoddy portugese rescue boat had no petrol. It took 3 hours to come and get me, by which time i had taken down the sails and sat whimpering with the curious combination of being fucking cold (from wind chill) and sunburned.
(squiffy raa raa pompousbottom, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:02, Reply)

Quarry of doom
Went on a small camping excursion with a few of me mates which started out all too well really, first few days was cool, beers around the fire, getting high, chasing sheep around, the usual really. Then we decided to explore the quarry half a mile down the road which had been abandoned for years cos it was all over grown and bits were flooded, but we were undeterred! Ignored those big red signs around the edge and went down into the bottom of the quarry, all seemed pretty boring actually just old huts, flooded pools of stinking water burnt out cars. So we got lost, in the bottom of the quarry..... we had to spend the nite freezing our arses off at the bottom of the quarry in this hut that just had a few hard hats in it and a leaky roof. We managed to get out the next day after climbing up an almost sheer cliff face with no equipment and not much to hold on to except shrubs poking out the face of the quarry. After that We got back to camp to find that miraculously our tent and stuff was still there which i spose was almost as good as not falling off the side of the quarry and dying....

Still have a bit of fear when i see chalk quarries now......
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:02, Reply)

holiday horror
Inter-railing mid-80's (Not sure when but I do remember watching Andrew & Fergies wedding at a shop front tv display in Paris.)

Me and my 2 mates had our money and passports stolen whilst on an over night train from the south of france. Someone muscled their way into our compartment to get the spare seat in the early morning, but had mysteriously disappeared, along with the valuables, when we woke up coming into Paris. Me being the "big man" thought I would recognise him and confidently said to friends that I would "waste" said "thieving french bastard".

Needless to say we bumped into him and he looked like some sort of deranged, serial subway killer. Thousand yard stare, ill fitting dirty clothes, hair styled by tramps, hands like leather clad potting sheds, you know the type.

"Go on Brett, hit him!" egged on my now laughing friends.

"lets just get the police......"

edit- could this be my 1st time on page 1? wow!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:01, Reply)

just do it
Shat myself in the Lake District once. It was on a school trip, around the time Nike first launched its 'Just Do It' slogan. That's what gave me the incentive to stink out my trousers. (Possibly not what their marketing department were thinking of.)

I remember getting back to the bus and squidging it into my seat. Never told anyone, but I expect they guessed from the smell of shit. Think I was about 12 at the time.
(spastic_lequeer, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Damn English Camping, Damn It All To Hell
On my first ever trip to the UK my mother decided it would be a good idea for us all to go camping. In September.
I shared a tent with her, and she snores. Her geriatric old friend came with us, and she snored so loudly that other campers would move their tents in the morning. But the worst moment was a storm which occurred (somewhere aroung Blackpool, what a great place to camp) shortly after I had gotten into my inadequate sleeping bag for another night of no sleep due to being freezing cold and surrounded by snoring old ladies. The whole tent flooded within minutes and my mother and I have to dissasemble it, in the dark, in a muddy field, and pack it into the storm lashed car which we subsequently had to sleep in. For some reason, it now rains every time I go camping, in every country I have ever been to. And the worst is I truly frigging HATE camping, it's always my damn family who outvotes me.

Apologies for length, I have always wanted to admit how much I hate sleeping 'outdoors, under the stars' Give me a damn big bed with a warm duvet...
(bulleybeef, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:51, Reply)

crap school break thingy
my secondary school used to send its pupils in the first year on a really crap 3 days away at this place called mill farm somewhere in somerset i think. any way my class' turn rolled around and being a state comp we had a range of charachters.
on the first night oneo fthe girls wet the bed and made the place reek, but surprisingly we were actually all to kind to be mean to her.
however on the first and only full day we had there one of the boys got the hump with another whilst rowing in the 'boating lake' and decided to act out his aggression by throwing his oar (sp) at his head. he managed to connect pretty well with the poor chaps head. i remember the teacher in charge watching it and jumping up and down on the bak screaming about all the blood.
mind you the recipient was a true sport and came back later in the day after a trip to casualty with a head full of stitches!
otehr highlights of thr trip included watching teachers get pissed, and lost on the 2 mile walk home from the pub they took us to as a 'treat for the kids' and a visit to hinkley point!
(OhSoGoldsmiths, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:47, Reply)

no mummy i dont like it!
breaking my leg when i was seven jumping off a gate in france, resulted (after three fucking days in agony of my dad not believing me "don't cry wolf) in a trip to the hospital. those french bastards don't believe in taking medicine by mouth, so they used the other entrance. what a way to ruin a holiday. didn't help when my mum administered, my dad and sister could be heard giggling around the corner
(5ifty0, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:44, Reply)

Magnetic Island, Australia
Magnetic Island is a largely uninhabited island - most of it's a nature reserve. But there is a campsite and a few restaurants.

Me and a friend decide to follow the path over a ridge to a restaurant - a pleasant 15 minute walk. We have nice big boozy lunch and the sun is out. It's a lovely, lovely day.

So we decide to walk around the coastline back to the campsite - it's just round the headland. Can't be that far.

We clamber over the rocks, up big ones and down even bigger ones. At one point we drop a good 15 feet down a sheer rock to the beach so we can continue. There's no way back, and no way up to the rest of the island from the beach now, but that's OK. It can't be far now.

Rounding the headland reveals... three more headlands and no campsite. The tide's coming in, we've got no water and it's just passed midday in the Australian Summer. Oh, and we'd been drinking lots of beer.

We took 3 hours to get back to the campsite and at one point I gave up and just lay there. It was only my mate's cajouling that got me going again.

Moral: beer is bad for you.
( chthonic, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:39, Reply)

Norfolk Broads
about 5 years ago, my dad decided a family holiday on the Norfolk Broads was the best thing for us. It was lovely, being able to moor up near a nice olde english pub and have a long, relaxing meal in the evenings. On one such evening, my dear old dad spotted a nice looking place, so we all get off the boat and wander along the country path. Had a lovely dinner, on the way back I spotted what looked like a drinks machine, just up from where out boat was moored. Drinks, no, cans of maggots, yes. My dad decided he'd like a can of them, not that he's ever been inclined to fish or anything. So, all the family gathered round to look at the squirming mass of blue, white and orange maggots. The novelty soon wore off.
Cut to the following morning, woken by a screaming sister. Daddy dearest had left said can of maggots on the top of the boat. I can only assume the can tipped over, because the little fuckers were everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In the beds, in our food, all over the floor and most importantly, in my hair. Generally ruining our holiday, as we spent the next four days constantly picking them out of our belongings. Also, the only radio station we could pick up was Radio 1. Says it all really.
( Fictional Emma, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:38, Reply)

seems that holidays + me = accidents/disaster
Thinking about it, I always seem to have a horror every holiday I go on.

Last month on holiday, skiing (I'm slightly accident prone), I managed to break my collarbone in 3places. Was the last afternoon we were there, so wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Was in LA for a few weeks in 2002, and managed to get arrested by El Segundo's finest. Charge was a Drink and Drug misdemeanor - Ended with just spending a night in jail. I do now have to apply for a special visa now if I want to visit California before 2009.
Also, whilst in LA, managed to on a Friday night at 1130 at night, get lost and end up on Crenshaw Boulevard. In a Buick, with 4 other (frightened) Europeans in the car. Its actually not as bad as I thought (Although at the time I was slowly sliding down my seat to hide)

I just don't think I should go on holiday with my track record.
( -:Coop:-, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Was at Nice airport in France...
a couple of years ago on route to visit a mate in Monaco, and got stopped by French customs who, for some reasons must have had it in for me. They basically accused me of having cocaine in my bag, ganga in my pocket and then swabbed my hands for explosives!! - wtf!!
Having done none of the above, i was then nearly attacked by a passing sniffer dog, who was obviously so high on weed that he must of thought i was 'carrying'.
This then resulted in me being surrounded by 6 armed French cops, who carted me off to a side room. I was then asked to strip naked and remove my 'pantalons'. After being asked to turn round i clenched my teeth (and arse cheeks) and awaited the inevitable. - Luckily for me, all they did was stare at my arse for a minute and told me to get dressed (Fucking perverts).
I was then released and allowed to carry on my way. But i was still given a 'we'll get him next time' dirty look???

Spose' i shouldn't have walked through customs in the first place with a lit fag in my mouth, shades on, wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt, whilst on my mobile.

No apologies for length, girth, tightness of arse cheeks etc. (which is also what i said to the pervert French customs guy while he stared at my cock. The puff.)
(nappy rash, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:33, Reply)

Bilbao last year
Best mate and I go on a bit of an off-the-beaten-track pub crawl. Found a nice little pub for a couple, slowly dawns on me that I'm the only bloke in there surrounded by short-haired, stocky girls. I'm pretty certain we'd stumbled by accident to the local Lesbian Bar (mate was happy though, she nearly pulled)
Although we did end up hugging every street thermometer on the way back to the hotel that night, because they obviously weren't talking to each other, so we had to do it for them.
(SCar, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:33, Reply)

Thailand was beautiful...
and the hospitals are surprisingly good. Spent a week recovering from Dengue fever in a hospital in Bangkok. Thought I'd be cheeky and claim a luxury room on the insurance. It had cable - woo, which had two channels in English, BBC World News and Asian MTV and BBC had no sound - boo.

Oh, and did I mention the absinthe binge?
(Scoobs, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:31, Reply)

Stick 'em up!
Oooh, the Spanish Costas. Magic! Loads of booze, silly fun and games down the Red Lion etc etc.

On our last night home, the missus and I were walking back to the hotel when she decided she really fancied a go on the trampolines on the closed off play park near the beach. Unfortunatley we got mugged on the way by two scum bags with their fingers stuffed under thier t-shirts as faux six-shooters. I got a kicking because they didn't believe we didn't have any money. I really didn't which was the worst thing. Spoilt a good holiday that. Still could have been worse, they could have shot me. Oh wait...
(joe_merchandise, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:27, Reply)

School Holiday from HELL
Our school used to organise a week long 'holiday' for people off to university so that we could see what the accomodation etc was like. The year I went saw the worst ever, for which the staff would probably now go to prison for.

The geography teacher led us out on a walk around the country side, promptly got lost despite a map, and ended up taking 7 hours to get back to the coach. Halfway through this, me and my mates saw the coach in the distance, thought sod this and off we went. By the time everybody else got back we'd managed to drink everything that had been provided, so 2 of the lost had to be taken to hospital with dehudration. The coach then caught fire, resulting in another one arriving complete with tanked up driver who ploughed off the road and into a ditch. 7 more to hospital. The rooms we were staying in needed fumigating. 1 more to hospital with a severe reaction to bites. Field trip to beach. 1 more to hospital after slipping on rocks and breaking leg. On the final night everybody sneaked out and went to the pub. 3 arrested due to fight with inbred locals, 1 taken to hospital to have guts pumped after too much booze.

There were more casualties, but I can't remember what they were.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:25, Reply)

Um
We had to take seperate taxis back to our hotel after going to one of those timeshare promotion things. It was really good; we got free lunch and a load of time on their private beach.

But the taxi drivers started racing each other back, leaning out of the window and yelling swear words at each other. I swear we nearly went off a cliff on plural occassions.

They're all mental.
(bionic sheep, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:23, Reply)

in the Lake District many years ago.
Half way up a mountainside overlooking one of the many passes snaking through the valley below. Decided it would be a really good idea to roll a rock down the hill...... bad idea. took out two sheep and missed our tiny little car parked at the bottom by what seemed mere inches. All we could do was watch in a mixture of horror and childish glee at the carnage we almost caused.... sorry sheep.
(johncougarmellonhead, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:16, Reply)

Ooh mince
Me and my ex, along with a mate and his wife, were camping in Brighton a couple of years ago. We were in the tent in the middle of a lightning storm. A bolt must have struck in the next field as it was fooking loud, and left a scorch mark the next day. At the time us two blokes were just having a laugh, eating tomato sauce sandwiches (as that was the only thing we had), whilst the two girls were going absolutely hysterical. Screaming at every clap of thunder. We thought it was hilarious!!
(jimmy_stavros, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:12, Reply)

Rats

(spastic_lequeer, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:04, Reply)

I win!
Ha!
Edit: Fell from a 4th story balcony on the last night of a ski holiday. Would have been ok, bar the fact that I caught the next balcony down with my head, and I forgot to get travel insurance. Lucky not to kill myself, but made it back to the Uk and hobbled into the Hospital.
(Bruised my skull, tore my ligaments in my neck, back and elbow for anyone who's interested)
( -:Coop:-, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 10:02, Reply)